This is my first and last update.
So I spoke to my sister again.
She apologised for reacting that way the last time. Also for keeping it from me all these years. She said she didn’t tell me because she knew I would ask her to choose, and she didn’t want to be in that position. She said she never wanted to hurt me, but at the same time, she couldn’t bring herself to walk away from the people who had been there for her.
She said it never felt fair to cut him off completely. Growing up, our parents were barely around. They were always busy with work. And for a long time, it was just me and my ex who were actually present in her life. He was like family to her.
Then she brought up the accident she was in around five years ago. I knew about it, of course. She had multiple fractures, hematomas, and internal bruising. She was in the hospital for a while and bedridden for weeks. I always assumed our parents were taking care of her. I never asked, and I never really checked in. I was too busy trying to manage a recent divorce, a small child, a career, and whatever was left of my mental health.
She said it was my ex’s wife who stepped up. She took her to every appointment, picked up prescriptions, brought food, helped her move around, stayed with her when she couldn’t be alone. And at one point she said, “I know it hurts you, but she was there. He was there. You weren’t. You didn’t even come to the hospital. I thought I was gonna d i e, and you didn’t even show up.”
She cried while telling me all this. She said she still wants a relationship with me, but she’s not going to cut them off. She also said she’s fine with me not helping her with the loans anymore. She’s planning to get a part-time job and figure it out herself.
She told my ex and the wife about our conversation. Apparently they offered to help her financially, but she turned it down too.
I just listened. Then I told her she’s free to do whatever she wants. And so am I. And to never call me again.
So that’s where we are.
Link to the original; https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/hyn7hUWLUx
NTA
People are missing the fact that the ex was there for the sister but couldn't be there for his child? hmmmmm
So rather than your ex husband stepping up as a father so you could be with your sister, the better thing was his wife to be a nursemaid. Wow. They don't sound like the saviors your sister describes them as.
100% this, IMO. Why was the affair partner ever put in the position of helping the sister in the first place?
It's shitty that OP's sister praises these people for being there for her while completely failing to acknowledge that the reason OP wasn't there for her was due to these people.
I think the AP used this as an opening to take more away from OP.
You still weren’t the ah tho incase you wondered.
Exactly. Sister wanted to find a way to excuse her betrayal by putting it on OP.
This woman must take great pleasure in luring a husband and sister away from OP, getting them both to deceive her, whose family she helped destroy.
She played the long game, acting like the savior while keeping OP out, then used it to justify staying close to them. It’s manipulation wrapped in “kindness” to keep control and keep OP isolated.
If OP isn’t careful the son will be next (parental alienation), she needs to keep a sharp eye on behavioral changes and to see if he starts lashing out unexpectedly at her.
I hope OP sees this because this is a valid concern.
Agree. That's why therapy will be key. She needs to get herself and her kid into therapy and then watch for behavioral changes in her child.
This is what is so frustrating. The kid always seems to want to parent that’s not there more than the one who stays. Like cats. Cats don’t like people who want them. They like people who don’t want to be around them.
Yeah, I sympathise with OPs sister because I know what it's like to have been in a bad accident and I can't imagine how much more badly it would have been for me if I didn't have my parents there to support me through my recovery.
BUT I'm wondering WHY else OPs exs ap would do what she did for her boyfriends, ex wifes sister other than manipulation. So yeah, if the sister really didn't have any other support I don't blame her for that but she did intentionally choose to keep it from OP and OP is NTA for that being a deal breaker for any kind of relationship with her never mind financial.
Yes, we see this. Know that it's also kind of sad that this person spent her life to set herself against you.
Yeah, I checked out when I realised OP has been gaslit into believing that any of this is acceptable. Just no. No.
How is it this woman's fault that OP didn't bother even checking in on her sister when she nearly died?
I don't think OP did anything wrong deciding to financially cut her sister off - she's free to do whatever she wants with her money - but the fact is that if OP had bothered even trying to be there for her hospitalised sister, then her ex and his wife wouldn't have been able to "lure" her away.
The only reason the mistress/new wife would have taken care of the sister, is if they had already established a close relationship. This was inappropriate.
You really think the mistress/new wife doesn’t know it was wrong to befriend the sister of the woman whose life she destroyed?
As for OP not checking on her sister, that is a separate issue. That is no excuse to deceive the sister financially supporting her, to get close to the mistress.
OP had found out her husband cheated, her marriage was over, and likely needed to get an STD test. From the way the conversation with the sister was described, it doesn’t sound like OP knew the sister’s life was in danger. The sister should have called OP. OP should have visited her sister.
The sister felt justified buddying up to the mistress who was coincidentally so officiously attentive. She felt justified deceiving OP about the relationship so she’d continue to receive financial support.
It’s the same justification techniques cheaters employ.
She already was in touch with them before the accident. Assuming that they were already close since the ex's wife was helping. She is trying to find an excuse.
And excuse to get her loans paid for again
Facts. You did what you had to, doesn’t make you the bad guy. Just someone with boundaries.
Sometimes protecting your peace means letting go, even if it’s messy and painful.
I’m sorry, not going to see your sister in the hospital is AH behavior. What world do y’all live in?
i can understand not physically going to the hospital, especially if distance is an issue.
it's the not even checking up on her that gets me. couldn't send a text message asking if she had everything she needed, who was helping her, etc.?
while it doesn't excuse keeping in touch with them before the accident, it does explain why she doesn't want to give up that relationship now
Edit: 5 years ago was also in the middle of COVID, and toddlers weren't exactly welcome in hospital wards at that time. Visitors were also strictly limited.
I agree that that's not great, but it's still not adding up for me.
How did the ex know about the sister's accident? Why was he around all the time with the affair partner*, a situation the sister would have known OP couldn't handle?
We know that ex rejected custody of the son. It all sounds like sister reached out to ex, who had nothing going on at the time and made himself and new wife very available to sister. Meanwhile OP was drowning.
Sister was an adult then, she was banged up not comatose. She could have reached out. But since the cheater ex and paramour were around all of the time I'd bet money on the sister deliberately avoiding keeping OP in the loop. Only to throw it back in her face now.
Sister chose to rely on ex at that time over the sister. She's always chosen them.
“I never asked, and I never really checked in”. You don’t need to visit the hospital to check in on someone. It sounds like OP didn’t know anything about how her sister was recovering. No calls, texts, FaceTime? Anything to show she cared?
Depression (Mental Health) is very real, and can be extremely debilitating even in the best of situations. Add a Divorce, Toddler, and Work, and it can be a lot to manage just getting through each day doing the bare minimum. OP has every right to whatever boundaries she has set for her own sanity!
If demonstrating no care or regard for your sibling is a "boundary" then I guess I really don't know what that is supposed to mean. And I'm referring to OP, just to be clear.
Adding on to your comment, OP had just gone through a divorce and was still dealing with her own shit at the time. She wrote a comment admitting that she had spoken to her sister but didn't visit her and admitted that it was wrong of her to.
You could still call then, COVID didn't break all the worlds cellphones.
I agree, to a certain degree. I would not assume the responsibility of making sure a sibling is cared for in the hospital once we are adults. I would check in on them, but I wouldn’t assume I needed to ride to the rescue if they didn’t ask. It sucks that OP didn’t. But it also doesn’t sound like Sister was reaching out and checking on OP as her life imploded either. It sounds like the family isn’t that close.
I can understand the Sister’s reasons, but the lie means that I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with her anymore either even if I understood. That’s five years of regularly lying to my sister about the people that destroyed her life, even if they are kind to me.
it also strikes me as a little disingenuous to hold the worst times of each other’s lives against your sibling. It sounds like the Sister might be viewing OP as a caregiver, not as a person in her own right. The sister is very focused on what she needs. Which is fine, but it’s not necessarily somebody that you want to have a close relationship with or fork out money for.
Isn’t the worst time of your life when you truly find out who cares? If someone cares about you, you don’t have to ask them. Also who wants to reach out to someone for help who clearly doesn’t give a crap about you that they couldn’t even check in on you.
Agreed, but that goes both ways. Before the accident was the sister reaching out to the OP whose life imploded? Was she supporting OP, or did she ‘not want to pick a side.’ There’s not a lot of information there so I can’t make a judgement. I’m not with most of the commenters demonizing the sister, but I’m also not flipping around to view the sister as an angel. Lying for five years, in part so you can get money, is a really crappy thing to do. If she’d made the point clear back then I would be 100% behind her. Right now I think OP is right to take a step back from the relationship even if I understand and empathize with the sister’s position.
this.
She has no room to ask or expect fuckall anything, and she's doing Sister a favor removing herself.
Leaving out "oh and i ignored her as she recovered from a nearly fatal accident, and the person i want her to exclude is the one person who took care of her" - Slimy and disingenuous.
My opinion is kinda.. OP is the trash taking itself out if she cant see where she is the AH.
yeah and if you read the paragraph before, she said she was dealing with the recent divorce, a young child, and her own deteriorating mental health. it sucks she wasn’t able to visit her sister but that doesn’t make her an AH.
She didn't have time to go to the freaking hospital and visit her sister who was possibly dying? I don't care how busy she was. She could have made one visit.
I agree with you: the sister's accident was bad enough she feared she might die, had a long hospital stay and was bedridden "for weeks"-- and OP says, "I thought our parents were taking care of her"--which means not only did OP fail to visit the sister while she was hospitalized, she didn't do ANYTHING for the sister while the sister was bedridden.
I think the sister was wrong to take financial help from OP while hiding her friendship with OP's ex & his AP-then-2nd wife, but--should the sis have just... rejected the only help being offered to her? Tried to drag herself & her broken bones from bed to bathroom? To the pharmacy? To pick up groceries?
Right. She obviously never called because then she would have known the parents were not taking care of her.
Op seems to treat her relationship with her sister as purely financial and considers that is good enough. Everything with how they talk about their relationship pre-and-post-affair sounds very “I paid for anything she needed that should be enough”
The ex and affair partner are the only ones who sound like theyve been emotionally there for the sister in 5+ years. No friends, sister, or parents putting in any effort.
The sister was definitely in the wrong but it feels hard to blame her for treating OP as a purely financial relationship when OP seems to substitute anything resembling emotional availability with money.
And just the tone in these posts of how OP talks about the sister really feels like she just has never cared or been close to her.
Like it’s understandable to struggle and do as little as possible when everything is falling apart like happened to op… but she couldn’t even do the bare minimum of asking “how are you doing, do you have everything you need?”
Op expects grace for her mistakes and to not be held responsible for tgem because she was struggling but expects perfection from her sister
Hell … she didn’t even call or check on her. She just ASSUMED mom and dad “who weren’t there for them as kids” we’re taking care of her?!
OP… YTA!
5 years ago was Covid. OP had a small child. How exactly was she supposed to visit the sister. Please, be specific. Because there weren't a lot of childcare options going on, I can tell you that. And absolutely children weren't be allowed into hospitals. And OP has said her friends and parents weren't being supportive. And we don't know how local this hospital was.
Please. OP admitted she made zero efforts because of her own issues. That had to have been extremely hurtful to her sister on top of being sick or injured. No wonder she feels loyalty to these two. What is she supposed to do now? You were there for me and took care of me when my own sister didn't bother. Now go buzz off. Don't think so.
But it doesn’t even sound like she was checking in via phone or anything. OP said she never asked who was helping with the recovery, never checked in. You don’t need child care to call your sister and see how she’s doing after almost dying
She could still call or text... Op is definitely the ah for not even caring enough to do either of those for a sister that could have possibly passed away.
Sorry but I lived through covid in one of the worst (if not the worst) hit city and still managed to check in on friends by phone while being a therapist with 50 clients and being terrified to go outside for MONTHS.
If OP couldn’t go bc of covid rules then they could’ve called. The fact that they didn’t even know who was helping their sister says it all
5 years ago I had a new baby and was states away when my dad was hospitalized, and I still FaceTimed and texted EVERY DAY. I knew who was taking care of him and where he was every freaking day. Not acceptable, no excuses.
There's no mention of her calling to check on her. Her ex and his wife helped.
Yeah, I'm sorry, that's a BS excuse. She wasn't even aware of who was taking care of her sister? Who was - checks notes - about 23 at the time? Sure, maybe she can't get to the hospital. But she didn't even ask about her. I mean, make a phone call or 2, sheesh. I mean, these are her words here: "I always assumed our parents were taking care of her. I never asked, and I never really checked in."
Sorry, that's a bit much to swallow. OP is either pretty callous and self centered, or there is more to the story that what is being told. OP goes full tilt in making herself the hero in her story, but I think we are missing a big chunk of info on the sibling relationship.
It definitely does make her a huge AH to not visit your dying sibling even once in the hospital.
Au contraire she is an ah for not even visiting her own sister
The sister was dying and OP didn't even check in. One phone call and she would have known that the parents didn't take care of the sister.
Her sister was potentially dying in the hospital…
Be serious, OP is obviously an asshole, they both were. Her sister obviously had rightfully felt like OP wasn't being her family anymore. She should have stopped accepting money.
But the question isn't who is the bigger asshole, it's if someone (or both people) is an asshole. And with this information, that I would have been ashamed to tell anyone else, shows that she could have left her sister alone in a hospital all by herself while she wasn't medically stable.
Stop coddling this woman. She needs to go to therapy not be told she's ok.
Kind of sounds like she's an AH to me.
You want to feel like you can't deal with it, that it's too hard, that it's too upsetting, and you can't be around her? I get that. I really do. And if OPs response had that element to it instead of just hardness and apathy I'd not say this part.
But to tell someone that when they were in the hospital and YOU WERENT AROUND but other people were that they should betray those other people who WERE there for them in favor of the people who DIDNT SHOW UP OR EVEN FUCKING CARE? It's kind of an asshole move.
OP wants loyalty unearned and to have her sister betray the people who put some effort into earning it. OP is one of the AH if not the only one.
You weren’t. You didn’t even come to the hospital. I thought I was gonna d i e, and you didn’t even show up.
I mean. This is kind of AH. Op just abandoned her and assumed someone else was helping and didn't even visit her. That's shitty.
Of course she is the ah. Couldn't even call to check on her severely injured sister in the hospital. Just assumed that the parents would take care.
BS!
She’s been feeding ex and his mistress info about you for years! She has betrayed you on multiple levels for YEARS.
Example: She ran right to them to tell them you cut her off etc. told them word for word with her twist your whole exchange. She’s also clearly a sympathy junkie and milks everyone for money/meals/rides/support etc.
She only kept quiet to keep your money flowing!
My prediction, now the information highway has dried up, your ex and his mistress turned/partner loses interest in sis real fast.
His mistress/partner will especially be over sis, if your ex starts giving sis money when the part time job doesn’t happen.
You watch….It was fun for the three of them watching you spend your money on sis knowing you were being played, but mistress won’t think it’s funny watching her AP start supporting unemployed sis now the betrayal is out in the open.
My question is… did your son know about sis being tight with them and did they ask him to lie for them?
I was also wondering if they put her child in that horrible spot to keep a secret from his mother
Oh my God. This mistress got OP’s husband and her sister to deceive OP. If she also manipulated her son into deceiving OP about yet another inappropriate relationship, that’s narcissist level of toxic.
I’ll bet that woman gets off on luring OP’s sister into a friendship.
With the sister out of the picture to feed them info… The mistress turned/wife who’s CLEARLY obsessed… first with OP’s husband, then obsessed with OP’s sister… is there any doubt mistress’s obsession is transferred to OP’s son?
Of course they pump the boy for info w/o him even knowing he’s being pumped! OP will have to be careful with what is shared with him and around him, until he’s old enough to understand discretion/privacy etc.
Was OP’s parents also aware of it all..?
This. Cut her off for your own mental health and well being plus needs to learn from her own mistakes. Let them support her. That’s gonna get old real quick. Your sister will see the mistresses true colors
Nothing in her explanation (excuses) addresses why she would befriend the woman your ex cheated with before her accident
She said they weren’t friends before the accident. She was cordial to her. They only became close after the accident.
Being cordial to the woman your brother-in-law cheated on your sister with is still too friendly
Ironically, cordial means warm and friendly, not polite yet aloof, which everyone seems to (incorrectly) use it for.
Off topic but as an Italian I would have never guessed. Cordial comes from the Latin word for heart, it implies warmth and sincere care.
That’s it!!! The sister had to have known the wife/ap before she(the wife) met the now ex. That would make the most sense if she felt she was indirectly responsible for introducing the ex to the now wife. Speculation on my part of course.
Idk why people on Reddit view the world as black and white. People and emotions are complicated. The sister gave a reason why she didn’t just cut off op’s ex, and a life altering medical event like that is going to make her close with the people who took care of her.
life altering medical event like that is going to make her close with the people who took care of her.
Yes. I had to take care of a family member for the last few years through a long decline.
Every person who substantially helped me out is someone I would drop anything I can to help them.
Those situations really show you who you can count on.
Yeah, and it's telling that OP never showed up for her sister. Sure she was struggling with her divorce, but your sister almost dies and you never even visit her, make sure she's ok. Huge red flag that OP is only sharing what makes her look good.
This! She didn’t even know where sister was or who was caring for her. How is that not on her radar? She “assumed” the parents were taking care of her…so she never actually spoke to parents or sister during that time (would have been months).
I wonder if the original offer to help pay for school was to ease some of the guilt from not showing up during that time.
Yes. Clearly OP has dealt with a lot but I do wonder how much of an unreliable narrator issue there is.
While it might be understandable why she would become close with them, her choosing to completely hide that and keep it a secret from her sister while taking her sister's money was wrong.
You weren't there after the accident because your ex and his home wrecker destroyed your life. You were in pain and had a lot to deal with. They destroy your family unit, then swoop in to play all nice to your sister while you were falling apart. The cheek of this woman is astonishing. She goes to help your sister because her actions left you in a position where you couldn't, and she's looked at as some sorta hero for that. Nope. Awful people the lot of them. My ex cheated on me and my family literally ignore him. I dont even look at him.
Exactly. Of course ex’s new wife was there- she was living her best life in the ruins of OP’s. The sister is an AH for sure.
This 💯!!! They had time because the OP was doing the hard work of rebuilding a life that was blown apart by those two scumbags. The ex wasn't even trying to be a father to their child, and the sister only cared about what she was going through (undetectable). This leech of a woman swooped in and is now being praised. “I call shenanigans!!!”
OP, they all deserve each other.
Question: did you talk to your sister at all during her accident/recovery? It doesn't sound like you did, since you didn't know who took care of her.
Your sister is a snake who’s only out for her best interests.
She’s mad you “weren’t there for her” but she sure as hell had no problem taking your money.
While I somewhat understand her inability and resistance to cut off someone she grew up with, she could have drawn the line at befriending the woman who helped destroy your marriage.
I’m glad you cut her off. Let you ex pay her way from now on. She’s only refusing their help(for now) because she knows she looks bad.
Your ex will most likely facilitate a relationship between her and your son from now on.
NTA
Acting like if she had asked you would have blown her off too, what a shitty sister
she try to guilt trip OP into accepting her relation whit the affair partner..
Forgive me, but I missed the part of the story that explains why you didn't visit your sister in the hospital or check in on her.
OP said in the original post: "I always assumed our parents were taking care of her. I never asked, and I never really checked in. I was too busy trying to manage a recent divorce, a small child, a career, and whatever was left of my mental health."
So there ya go.
Hopefully, they're close enough for her to pay off the loans. Why were you supporting your sister when you were barely surviving yourself? She's quite the entitled princess.
I’m just curious how the ex’s mistress knew she had an accident and was in hospital if they weren’t friends? I don’t believe her. They were friends prior and she hid it. Still NTA. Betrayed by too many people in your life.
I was thinking the same thing. The divorce was 6 years ago, and the accident was 5 years ago. It seems like the friendship blossomed way before the accident, and the sister is only using it as an excuse for lying about it. This is all hypothetical, of course, but the math ain't mathing for me!
Did you read? They weren't friendly, but the sister was still close to her ex brother-in-law who helped raised her...
You weren’t there after the accident because of the position that ex and his wife put through.
You are better off in life without your sister.
Nah, I think it's total BS that you didn't help her while in the hospital. Your ex did. Her reasons are understandable.
You had the initial, gut-wrench reaction. Fine. But now, what would you have done in her shoes?
Ex's wife caring for her when she almost died doesn't explain her befriending her!? If anything it would have made more sense for the sister to cut off OP.
Perhaps because the sister felt indebted to her ex's wife after the wife being the one helping her out after her accident? She was the only one who cared and OP couldn't even pick up a phone to check in on how her sister is doing or if she needed any help with something.
This is what I don't get with all of these responses. Where was OP when her sister was in the hospital and then rehabbing after a life-threatening accident? OP is an AH of epic proportions. She comes across as a narcissist, too.
Right? OP's really leaning on the blood relationship and just hand-waving the part where she doesn't seem to give a shit about her sister. Sister's just prioritizing the people who actually care about her, that's all.
and did sister check in before the accident to help OP with her divorce?
I disagree, EVERYTHING she said is a reason for the sister. You don’t just throw people away when they literally assisted with bringing you back from the dead. What was sis supposed to do, respect their help and possibly die? OP should have the “i don’t agree but i understand” approach at minimum given she didn’t go see her sister when sis was on her deathbed. If it were me in the hospital, I wouldn’t be speaking to OP again fwiw.
Down vote all you want but I said what I said.
So you were left cleaning up the mess that your ex and his ho created. She “steals” him, then comes for your sister??? Naw, this was a calculated move on the side piece’s part. I’m glad u cut your sister off. And shame on your ex and AP. They know what they’re doing. Hope your sister thinks it’s worth it.
And why wasn’t the ex around to take care of their son so OP could maybe see her sister in the hospital, or help afterwards?
Exactly. In her first post it pretty much reads that he just ran off into the sunset with AP. Why wasn’t it a 50/50 split. The original post said he didn’t even try to ask for custody/more time with the kid. The whole thing just stinks of them being selfish buttholes.
Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if they actually are helping the sister with her loans and she’s saying otherwise, but I learned the hard way not to trust anything that comes out of a the mouths of cheaters and their cadre.
Absolutely agree with you. This wasn’t some random coincidence, it was calculated and messy from the start. Cutting off your sister was the right call. Anyone who disrespects you like that doesn’t deserve a seat at your table. Let them enjoy the chaos they created. You did the right thing.
NTA.
She made her choice, and you’re allowed to make yours
Just my take but I feel the exes wife is crossing boundaries and doing this (taking care of his exes sister, being there for her, even offering her money now) is a very deep seated manipulation tactic. The new wife clearly wants to prove something to her husband’s family - that she’s better than OP and their affair was justified.
NTA but You seem to wave your hand at what seems to a pretty significant accident that was potentially life threatening. And I think there was something the original post that you definitely downplayed. Still not an excuse for your sister but you may want to think about how you come off to her.
I’ll be downvoted but I can never imagine my sibling being in the hospital and me not even bothering to check up on her. Like, I know your ex is a shite person and all, but I get where your sister is coming from.
100% I'm not even close to my sisters but if one of them were on their deathbed basically bc of an accident I would drop the world and fly out to them.
See, I too was pissed at OP about that, but she mentioned she was handling a divorce, her child, her mental health after going through something so heartbreaking. That said, she definitely should've checked up on her sister in the hospital.
The sister, on the other hand, praises the ex and his new wife but fails to recognise that they were the very reason OP was somewhat absent. It was their infidelity and affair that put OP in the terrible position. If she can't even recognise that then both OP and her sister have huge flaws and are better off without the other.
I went through that too. Op could have made a phone call to her sister and check on her. She didn't bother doing that. Op doesn't care and she showed it
Going through a divorce won’t be stopping me from being beside my sibling who was hospitalized and could have possibly died.
OP a massive AH for being a terrible older sister.
But she’s NTA for protecting her peace.
Man not even a call a text. A literal life altering accident. I just cant fathom it and i honestly dont expect the sister to do so either
Agree, mental health takes its toll going through divorce and the very people who caused that helped the sister. OP didn’t know. Sister messaged them instead of OP. OP thought parents cared for her. Husband didn’t even fight for custody so she had to help her son adapt and take care of everything. I think sister knew mistress before the accident that’s why she felt comfortable contacting her. Lots of betrayal to process.
OP thought parents cared for her.
Doesn't OP mention in their original post that their parents weren't exactly present and that's why her sister had such an attachment to OP's ex in the first place?
So why in the world would she think their parents would step up at the point of a serious hospitalization? Like I get that OP was going through a lot, but her sister was too and she needed someone to be there for her. Probably hoping her sister would try or come through in some way. Instead it was OP's ex and new partner that were there for her.
You're acting like her sister's mental health wouldn't have been in a bad place as well considering she literally thought she was dying. Why does OP get a pass for her (lack of) actions due to mental health, but her sister doesn't?
There's also nothing to suggest that her sister messaged OP's ex either or that she was friends with his AP before her hospitalisation. She and OP's ex have been close since she was a kid, so it's not unreasonable to assume he would find out anyway and so would she.
As for the custody thing, it seems like he just didn't fight for full custody (although I could be wrong about this). Considering he has their son on weekends and holidays, it sounds like he does have shared custody. If that's the case, I don't get how that could be a bad thing at all.
Yeah idk broken family and broken heart sucks and all no doubt but a (supposedly close?) family member in the hospital, honestly regardless of severity takes precedent for sure. It doesn't seem like those two were close.. at all. And OP's ex (and consequently his new wife) were. Especially if before the breakup she saw the two of them as mom and dad (since sounds like actual mom and dad weren't there) its not too crazy to understand why she kept talking to him.
OP is still not TAH because i get it, but neither is the sister, it just sounds like they didn't really have a relationship to begin with.
Also its funny to me that i read multiple comments saying sister is taking advantage financially of the OP and whoever the fuck, when OP explicitly said that the sister said she'll figure it out herself and refused help from the other side.
It seems like there's a lot going unsaid. I get the feeling from how little OP talks about her sister that they were never close to begin with. I have to wonder how much of the financial help for her sister was based in control over and/or coping for not being emotionally available for her sister. Why was the sister never comfortable enough to talk about her ongoing relationship with the ex? If OP was actually close with the sister that should be a no-brainer to be open about.
I agree. I don't blame the sister for talking to them still. They were the only ones that helped her when she was in the damn hospital!
I thought it was just me. The comments calling it excuses are throwing me for one. She was close to death but she should turn down the only people willing and able to help. OP didn't even ring to check in with her sister, let alone she never visited or had a single clue who if anyone was helping the sister recover.
Because this subreddit is filled with people who make leaps of assumptions and see the world in black or white. It’s honestly a terribly place to ask the AITH question.
OP expects absolute loyalty from her sister but can’t seem to put in the most basic effort. It’s understandable the mental hardship OP went through but her sister was literally on her deathbed. If sister is just telling her this now, then that meant OP never bothered to apologize either for not calling or visiting. Like seriously?
Yeah, I think a lot of people here are pretty privileged to not have to deal with a hardship like that where your emotional support pulls you through it.
I think part of it is that the ex and ap caused op to go in to a deep depression, and suddenly become a single parent. She had to juggle a job, household, and full time parenting without the support of a partner, and on top of that depression. During that time the ex probably had the child every other weekend (which is customary until court in a lot of places) the ap didn’t have any of those responsibilities and so had the time and mental health ability to be there while op was navigating divorce, adjusting to being a single parent, dealing with the trauma that comes with being cheated on, etc.
Those are just excuses my man. Its insane to be this in the dark of a supposedly close family member almost dying. She didnt care at all thats the truth. If she cared she would have visited she would have called she would have given a text at the very least. Like god damn she was basically her sisters mom. She didnt care thats what it was
I know, right!
Ex is terrible and shouldn’t have had an affair, no excuse for that.
But sister is injured so badly to be in hospital and then bedridden for weeks and OP can’t be bothered to check on her. Expected parents to be looking after her but obviously didn’t ask her parents about her sister else they’d have said they weren’t.
So the AP steps up and looks after the sister instead. She turns into a decent person for looking after a stranger better than her actual so called family does.
I would be more inclined to become friends with someone, if they did that for me when no one else did.
OP can choose who she wants to be in their life etc but so can her sister. The ex cheated, he didn’t rape/abuse/threaten to kill anyone (that we know of).
Personally, on this info alone, I’d probably pick the AP too.
Expected parents to be looking after her but obviously didn’t ask her parents about her sister else they’d have said they weren’t.
parents who she stated were barely around for their childhood.
yeah, sister sucks for hiding all of this.
but what kind of person can't even show up to visit their sibling in the hospital after a serious incident. by OP's own admission, sister had multiple fractures, hematomas, and in the hospital for weeks... so not a light incident. all these people sound self absorbed to me.
Your sister could’ve died and you assumed your parents were helping her but you never checked in to at least say hello. I think that that is very wrong. Edit: I think I would be extremely disappointed if a sister of mine completely ignored me after an accident that did so much damage.
She turned to the one person that was a constant in her life for a long time and he and his new wife stepped up to help her. His wife didn’t have to what she did but she did it.
What your husband did to you is disgusting. I am 1000% against cheating, but it happened and you have a child together and you have to coparent and he has a new person in his life and you don’t have to deal with her at all. You cannot prevent your sister with being friends with his wife now after all they did for her. They stepped up to help her when nobody else, including you did.
You made your choice and your sister made hers.
... you still didn't even check up with your sister when she was in an accident? Not even once.
NAH shes allowed to choose friends who return the same effort of love and care she gives. You can both live your lives now.
Harsh but fair.
Wait, you never checked on your sister after she was in a bad accident? Wow.
I mean do what you want with your relationship with her and your money but seriously, wow.
That part told me all I needed to know about OP. Ex’s new wife was more of a sister than OP is
Any suspicions that your sister knew about the affair? Seems like pretty short span between the divorce and the accident for his mistress to basically be her caregiver. 🤔
And then, she likely went to the wedding, yes? Surely she’d have run into your kid on one of those times he had custody? Seems like a lot involved for you to NOT find out. All to be blown open cuz the idiot left her phone.
So you didn’t even call your sister while she was injured or recovering? You just assumed your parents were helping?
I don’t understand all of these responses calling her a horrible person. If you were my sibling and never visited or checked on me after a serious accident I would have cut you off.
People are mad that the AP was kinder to the sister than OP. No amount of divorce or empty cup could’ve stopped me from caring about my sibling who could’ve died.
I feel like OP is posting all of this to get sympathy from strangers for being a literal shitty older sister (very embarrassing). What happened to OP is terrible but her being a terrible sister speaks volumes about her character.
She didnt care for her sistwr and didnt care to ask for her own parents
Right? Everyone is glossing over that.
OP is letting his hate destroy his relationships with family
I really get where OP is coming from, feels like being stabbed in the back when family chooses other bloodlines over you. NTA though, gotta set those boundaries or they'll keep bleeding you dry. Speaking of boundaries... I recently went through a major overhaul of my email filters to avoid workplace stress, 200+ rules later and I'm golden!
It was predatory of the affair partner to pursue the friendship.
What if the mistress/new wife has also manipulated OP’s son into deceiving her about sister’s friendship?
OP can trust no one at this point, including her only child.
The mistress/new wife sounds like a charismatic manipulator.
JFC your sister is in a major accident, hospital and bed ridden and you never checked in on her?
No wonder she's sticking with the people who actually seen to care for her
So no internal reflection about the whole never visiting your sister in the hospital or during her recovery but asking her to throw away the people who were actually there for her? Why would she or anyone else ever think you're a bitch?
I may have missed others saying this already, but you may want to revisit the holiday custody - just a thought. Holidays are often core memories for children of family bonding, traditions, special meals, gifts, fun activities/outings, etc. that your son is seemingly only experiencing with the homewreckers. If it were me, I wouldn't want the affair partner to get all those special times in my place. They are already getting so much - the social circle/friends, your sister, your planned life/future, a pass on horrid behavior due to the erroneous belief that pretty people = good people. I mean, you get the school days, with homework, chores, routines, etc. and they get the fun, relaxing weekends and holidays? I'm sure there is more nuance and you two have fun together as well, but this feels unfair to me (again, from my perspective and preference).
NTA in this scenario based on what I've read (including many of your comments). I sympathize with your sister about her accident and recovery, but she didn't let you know about being besties with affair partner for 5-6 years because she knew it was wrong, and it would hurt you.
This thread is straight up disgusting.
You didn't help her. Your parents didn't help her. So she reached out to the only family she had left. Pathetically, that was her sister's ex husband who was a piece of shit. That's a scathing indictment of everyone in your family.
Honestly this read like rage bait OP made to get people to realize situations aren't always black and white but that clearly backfired
You'll both be better off not speaking to each other.
So your sister was in the hospital and you couldn't manage to visit her even once during that time? I don't care what drama is going on in your life, thats shitty. And I know how hard it is going through all the divorce and single parenting. Yes, it's hard, but you really have no excuse. The fact that your ex acted more like family than you did really speaks volumes.
YTA You knew your sister was in the hospital. You never called? Never visited? Had no idea of who took care of her? Sounds like you weren’t the greatest sister either. I can’t imagine not checking on my sibling no matter what happened in my own life.
So ESH.
She should not have hid this from you.
But clearly you suck as a sister . It’s unbelievable that you never checked on her once when she was severally injured and hospitalized for weeks.
It’s also telling that despite this new information, you still plan to never speak to her again. All I can say is that it takes two to make a relationship work and two to make it fail. I don’t get the sense that you ever take personal responsibility for your own actions - in both your marriage and your relationship with your sister.
Yeah, not sure how much NC will change things since it's not like she was there when her sister needed her. I understand not being in a personal place to show up, but it sounds like there's not a ton of closeness and loyalty there to protect going either direction.
The fact that the sister isn't acting like a victim and taking the financial blow in stride just shores up my interpretation.
You didn't even go to the hospital to visit her when she nearly died. I don't care what else she did, but YTA.
That is just unfathomably awful.
Just cut them off! Better go seperate ways. You can ask for your money back too if you wanna be more petty
NTA. I don't blame you for going NC and cutting everything off along the way. My ex in-laws and even ex-wife, stayed in contact with a family whose son caused my daughter to blurt out one night at bedtime that "Zach kisses me on the mouth too much." That same kid also convinced my son to go past a safe point in a river and was swept downstream a mile before catching a tree root sticking out of the side of the bank. A betrayal is a betrayal is a betrayal and you don't need those kind of people in your world.
You never even went to the hospital and she was that badly messed up?
Damn.
ESH. You for not even bothering to check up on her at the hospital when she had the accident. You didn't even visit her once at the hospital? That's cold. Real cold of you.
So I understand she feels indebted to the ones who did show up. But she should not have hidden it from you. She should have been honest. In that way, she is an A H, too. But I think of the two of you, your sister is the more sympathetic one. She felt pressured by the situation and she caved by being dishonest. Not to excuse her, but I can understand.
Your complete coldness to your sister while still expecting total loyalty is pretty hard to understand or even empathize with.
Your sister is mild A H. You are a complete and utter A H.
YTA for not showing up for your sister who was in hospital. I can’t imagine treating mine that way. You didn’t even check in?? I’m floored at your cold hearted callousness.
Probably a pattern of behavior.
Well, I wasn't your fan after your first post, and I'm definitely not your fan now. "Oh,my sister is dying in the hospital, but whatever,I wouldn't even check on her, wouldn't ask My parents how is she. My divorce! My mental health!!! Meeee-meeeee-meee!".
Yeah, OP sucks and the comments here are psychotic. I know AITAH generally has a problem with people living out revenge fantasies in the comments, but holy shit.
People are twisting helping the ex and his wife helping her out in a time of need as manipulation 💀 not everything is a fucking mind game. Sometimes people help others they care about when they’re in need
NTA for not paying. Gonna get downvoted for this part but so be it:
You might have helped her out all these years by paying but you are a horrible sister for not even bothering to call her after the accident and assumed she was being taken care of by your parents.
I'm sorry but you knew your sister was in the hospital and you never checked in and just assumed things instead of reaching out to her at the time?
It's understandable why she's friends with your ex's wife if she was the one who actually bothered helping her out after the accident.
I agree with you. Yes, OP was going through a horrible and trying time. But to not once take a few minutes to check on her sister? That's harsh. My sister lives 1300 miles away. Even when I was broke, having to be mom and dad to our son, and dealing with a husband overseas, I still would have found a way. If I couldn't get there, I certainly would have called. A lot. Her sister turned to the one person who was there for her. OP has a right to her anger, but sheesh. She should be apologizing for letting her sister down when she really needed her, not cutting her off.
I'm sorry but if they were there for her when she was dying and u wasn't yes ur the ah
Damn your sister was in the hospital and you never checked on her? That does kinda make you the AH
You weren't there then, and you won't be there in the future.
At least you're consistent.
Hmmmmmm I’d say ESH
I understand your feeling of betrayal, however it feels like your much younger sister was on her own while in the hospital, and she of course grew closer to the person that was willing to care for her, it is weird you didn’t visit her(assuming from your update)
Id say that everyone was trying to make the best of their circumstances. Your husband is a piece of cheating shit though
No one in this situation really holds the moral high ground. OP comes across as quite petty, and while her pain is valid, she’s clearly still bitter. That’s understandable, but for her own well-being, she needs to let go at some point. Her sister went through her own trauma, and OP didn’t even check in on her. It’s important to remember: her sister’s experience is not OP’s experience.
What stands out is that the ex-husband, despite his betrayal, stepped up for someone in need. That takes a certain level of compassion and empathy. Cheating is horrible and absolutely a betrayal, but his support for the sister doesn’t just disappear because of that. In fact, it’s a redeeming act that shows he’s not all bad.
Meanwhile, OP not only distanced herself, but she even told her sister to never call her again. That raises real concerns, not just about her emotional state, but possibly about her mental health. Again, the pain is real, but at the end of the day, you remember the people who showed up when you were most vulnerable, and in this case, it wasn’t OP or their parents.
Both OP and her ex made serious mistakes that hurt people. But one of them still found a way to offer kindness in the middle of the mess, and that matters.
Ex husband didn’t step up, his affair partner did and he is reaping the benefit of that relationship because he is still with the other woman.
Even if the ex husband could step up for the sister don’t you think that was because he was literally the disney dad during the divorce? Op said she was focused on her child, so where was the dad in all that?
I can’t stand cheaters either, he did OP dirty, no question. But OP doesn’t even separate him from the affair partner. She blames them both like they’re the same person.
So yes, OP has every right to be hurt. But her sister’s pain and healing matter too, and that includes accepting support from the only person who offered it, flawed or not.
Spite doesn’t help you heal after a major accident.
You didn't even check on your sister!? She's got a really good point. You weren't there for her when she needed you.
“Get a part time job?“ Has your sister been unemployed and that’s why you started helping pay her loans? It’s really hard not to suspect your sister was playing you. Or maybe she was punishing you. Whatever her game, you, OP, are NTA for cutting her off.
NTA,
Do what gives you peace of mind. Basically your Ex and his wife stole your sister.
I read both posts, and damn this is messy.
Honestly, I think there’s a bunch of missing information and way more to this story than presented in either of the posts.
Is the OP the AH? I think the OP is understandably hurt with her ex’s actions. And yea, life got rough and there’s no doubt that her mental health took a toll. However, her sister was severely injured and she didn’t bother to check up on her, not even a call, and that speaks volumes.
And I get it, depression is a bitch and takes a toll. Dealing with kid and divorce and pandemic is a lot. But to still ignore your sister who almost died and just assume that someone else is helping her? That is not okay.
And even if the depression was that deep, it is unreasonable to assume that there would not be a consequence/reaction from that choice.
Is the OP the AH? I don’t know. I don’t entirely trust the OP as a narrator.
Is the sister the AH? Even by the OP’s admission the sister was close to her ex and viewed him as a father figure, especially since the OP’s and sister’s parents were pretty absent. There are hints that it was not a casual relationship.
Then there was the accident. And it wasn’t a small one. To have a sister who demands loyalty but doesn’t even bother to call? Parents who were (apparently) never really present to begin with? Then the two people who are supposed to be on the shit list are the only ones to show up? Honestly, Id’ve picked them too. She basically had to out of survival.
Assuming that the OP was truly incapacitated from helping her sister at that time, if I were her I would have been grateful that at least they could step up when I couldn’t. Sometimes life really does suck that hard and knocks everyone down at once.
But I also would not have been shocked that the sister grew closer to them as a result. They essentially saved her life and got her back on her feet when no one else, including the OP, didn’t.
And the money? If you’re living in the same economy than I am, then you would not turn down financial help either. But the real tell is that the sister seems to have accepted the OPs choice to cut her off by telling the OP that she’ll manage. That is definitely not an AH move.
What’s also telling us that the sister has decided to become self reliant by turning down the OP’s ex’s offer … so personal growth moment? If so, good for her.
I really don’t think that the sister is an AH.
So between the sister and the OP who is TA?
Definitely not the sister in my opinion. Her reactions were pretty normal all things considered. Her “parents” — OP and ex — had a messy breakup and she was caught in the middle. Then add to it the accident and recovery and I can’t blame her for growing closer to the people who showed up.
What about the OP? I believe that she genuinely suffered and that the hurt and stress were/are real. But I keep getting hung up on the unreasonable demands that she’s making of the sister. She is demanding loyalty of her sister without holding herself to the same standard. The OP has every right to not financially support her, that is not why I’m going to say YTA to the OP. But I will say that the OP is YTA because she expected her sister to show her 100% loyalty even though she was either unwilling or incapable of showing 100% loyalty to her sister.
Yes, OP has a kid and is navigating life as a single mom with resulting and understandable mental health challenges. Yet the OP has chosen to go scorched earth with her own sister instead of taking a moment to see that her sister also had her own issues and a pre-existing strong bond of her own with the ex. On top of that, it’s only natural that her sister grew closer to the only people who stepped up in the darkest hour of her life especially when the OP didn’t. There is definitely way more to this story than is being presented here, and I would hazard a guess that more details will not make the OP look much better, at least in my eyes.
Just because you were giving her money doesn't make you a good sister; you can't pay for a good and loyal relationship. You can spent a single hour of your stressed life checking in on someone you love when they're recovering from a major incident. Heck, it's weird to think that you expected your parents were helping her, but you were struggling alone. Even sending a text that there's a lot going on right now, but if she needs something you could try for her. Because she's your sister.
If my husband fell out of love with me and we divorced, and I found out he was helping my family when I couldn't? I would thank him for it once I was done processing my feelings.
I have nothing clever to say, OP, just that I wish that good karma finds you soon, in the form of loyal and honest people to surround yourself with. I imagine you hardly trust your own judgement now, but truly, you did nothing wrong.
Be loving and kind to your son and nobody will be able to make him think of you otherwise. Those who have been disloyal and dishonest, calmly release from your mind and thoughts. They are nothing and they don’t matter. Onwards and upwards with nonpoisoned heart - there are still very many good people out there ;-) Wish you the best of luck!
Yeah, no. That excuses nothing. And the reasons why you could t be there was them and what they did. They were able to be by her side whilst you hat to shovel yourself out of the chin deep shit they put you in. And there’s no way back from this betrayal. I hope it was worth it for her.
Not physically being there is one thing, but not even a phone call or text message? ESH for different reasons but god damn what a terrible sister.
The emotional bullshit of “you weren’t there”, as though that was by your own selfish choice is DIABOLICAL and so fucking shitty of her.
“You weren’t there…so I accepted help from a couple who TOTALLY destroyed my sister and wanted to use me to appease their own guilt and justify their actions”
She didn’t have a choice. She was hospitalized and bedridden, could have possibly died.
Parents didn’t look after her. Sister (OP) didn’t even bother checking in on her. The only people who looked after her was the ex and his new wife.
Op is a massive AH for being a terrible sibling but OP is NTA for protecting her peace.
Honestly the sister will be better off without OP in her life. Having an older sibling who doesn’t even care about you is tough.
OP is better off not having little sister in her life because sis won’t cut off connections with the ex and his new wife.
Lmfao I’m sure you’d say differently if you were the one in the hospital
What choice did she have? Op didn't care and didn't bother calling to check on her.
ESH How could you not check on your sister at all ? When she was in the hospital.
I don't think this is as black and white as it has been protrayed.
Both op and the commenters lack empathy the girl thought she was gonna die for ffucks sake
She was in the hospital for a while and bedridden for weeks. I always assumed our parents were taking care of her. I never asked, and I never really checked in.
You really should have checked in. You should have asked instead of assuming everything was peachy. Though yes admittedly you had plenty on your plate at the time.
I'm seeing this from the viewpoint of when my late husband was deathly ill (not expected to live) and bedridden for weeks, how his mother and siblings stayed away in droves. One lived right next door, even. This was after 30 years of hearing "Family Is Everything" out of them. It really changed my view of those people.
But this isn't to say that Sis was right to choose the people who betrayed and devastated you as her new family. And it sure wasn't right of her to expect you to pay off her debts while she's buddying up to them.
you didn't even visit your own sister in the hospital?! holy shit.
you maybe should take some time to reflect here. everyone seems firmly on your side, but if your sister would rather be close with your ex and his wife and risk you cutting her out (as you are enthusiastically doing), doesn't exactly look good for you here. i'm surprised how little empathy you are showing your sister after she explained herself.
So to recap: When she was going through a rough spot, you ignored her because your rough spot took precedence over her rough spot. And you didn't check to see how her rough spot was going. During said rough spot, someone else helped her through the rough spot, and that's her fault?
I commented nta on the first post. And I still think nta. But the hospital info wasn't in the first post. I still think taking the money and hiding her relationship was purposely deceptive, and she is a dishonest and manipulating person. You don't owe her financial subsidiation.
But any relationship of substance obligates people to check on hospitalized people. Especially if they have bedrest after being released. No matter what's going on in your own life. It's all part of that love thing where we care about people because we love them. So, therefore, love causes us to be concerned and interested in the problems of those that we love.
Even with all you had going on, your lack of interest in your sister's hospitalization implies you aren't really that close. So it doesn't seem as if there is a relationship to salvage.
Agree 100%.
But 5 years ago was literally during the Covid Pandemic. I was hospitalized and almost died (lost 30% of my blood and needed emergency surgery and 3 transfusions), and even my husband wasn’t allowed to visit. He had to wait outside in the car while I checked myself into the ER. Women were giving birth alone. It was a different time.
I have 6 close siblings and a loving mom, and none of them visited, not just because they couldn’t, but because I didn’t want them to. If I asked for help, they absolutely stepped up. Otherwise, they assumed my husband was taking care of me, just as OP assumed her parents were taking care of her unemployed sister who is 15 years younger than her — a huge age gap.
The sister clearly didn’t ask OP for help because she already had her “Bestie”. The sister chose a side, and hid it, all the while fully willing to get monetary “help” from OP. Sister is totally spinning this to get sympathy, and I don’t buy it.
THANK YOU!!
I was waiting for somebody to say this. I get that OP sister was in the hospital, and it’s awful. But if there was an emergency, somebody would’ve told OP. If OP sister wanted to see her, phone works both ways. She didn’t call her sister because she already made her choice. Well OP was picking up the pieces of her life, OP sister was snuggling up with the woman who helped destroy her sister‘s life. It’s gross.
Idk, sounds like the ex had the time bc he wasn't taking care of the kid.
Also, how tf was sister supposed to pay bills without a job?
She is paying bills because OP is giving her money. She may have been able to go see her sister if she actually had a partner who wanted to be a dad. He was so busy poking little young thang that he couldn’t bother to take care of his son.
He had time to take care of sissy and look like an angel because he left all his responsibilities for a new life and left OP with all the responsibilities.
Sister may think they were there for her, and OP’s ex was but at the expense of OP.
Sister is still an asshole and OP is still NTA. OP, take care of yourself and create your own family. You deserve to be happy!
Yep, exactly. I'm like, awww poor baby had to get a part time job? Soooo sad, hard to hang out with friends when the atm closes.
It's honestly insane to me. How much of a crappy, bum of a person do you need to be to entirely mooch off your sister then do this mental gymnastics to victimize yourself?
It sounds like OP playing generous sister backfired massively after a while and sis saw the kindness as an opening to turn her into a doormat.
Ex husband had the time because he was playing house with his mistress, he was not trying to pick up his soul off the floor, be a single mother and go through a betrayal.
Yup, it's easy to have time to "be there for someone" when you've ditched your other responsibilities.
that’s what i was thinking. op was the scorned partner reeling after their divorce, while the ex was happy w his affair partner. so op was mourning her marriage, taking care of their son alone, and managing her career.
ofc the ex and his ap were available (mentally & physically). it sounds shitty, but i don’t completely fault op.
I can absolutely understand OP being overwhelmed. What I don’t buy is OP just assuming that the parents were there for the sister. That doesn’t mesh at all. The parents neglected the sister as she was growing up, and OP and ex husband picked up the slack. No matter how devastated OP was, surely she must have known in her very bones that there was a good chance of the parents failing little sister again.
Of course, he had time to play hero when he ruined his own marriage and left his son.
I dunno, seems like if her plate wasn’t full from the divorce she’d probably have more time to check in on her sister… if only there was some way even after the divorce that at least something like childcare could have been eased instead of trying to take care of OP’s sister.
I mean, unless I were hospitalized myself, I would have MADE time to visit my hospitalized/bedridden brother.
It’s the not even calling that gets me. OP didn’t even check in! OP assumed the parents were handling things and… yeah, no. I can’t fathom not even calling once.
Agreed. To be THAT completely out of touch during such traumatic events, FOR BOTH OF THEM? A devastating accident and crushing divorce?
Something just isn't right in this whole story. OP is leaving out a LOT of info in order to sound like they're in the right.
Her plate was SOOOO full she couldn’t send a “hey, how are you doing today?” Text?
Yeah her sister thought she was gonna die and OP couldn't even be assed to call? I wonder what else she's hidden/glossed over about regarding the breakdown of her marriage. Seems sus that basically her entire family are on board with the ex. Ignoring your sister while she's in the hospital like that is capital B word behaviour.
Wouldn’t this then change to be NAH (at least between OP and her sister)?
No, because sister was lying all these years. She easily accepted handouts from OP while hiding her betrayal and relationship with the EX. Again, she’s free to do that, but her deception for monetary gain makes her definitely the AH.
The sister chose to stay close to the cheaters and not her poor sister. That was where her loyalty lay. All that time accepting the financial help. When she was hurt, she wasn’t even connected enough to her sister to know the condition she was in, she no doubt communicated her needs only to the couple, not her sister.
She couldn’t risk sister visiting and running into her ex or his wife, could she?? Then later she tried to lay a guilt trip in her sister for not being there?