We're in a trial separation. He wants half custody. It's been several months and it was the 8th time daycare has called me because he was unable to pick up our toddler. Sometimes he was just a "no show" and the daycare would call me because it's already been half an hour since their offical close time. Everytime, the daycare is pissed at me for making them stay over time and we're charge 2$ per minute for being late. They threaten to call authorities and CPS if we keep doing this. I tried to explain the problem, but daycare doesn't care (as they shouldn't).
Well last week, it happened again and I told daycare to go ahead and call the authorities and CPS. My (soon to be ex) husband showed up an hour late and met our toddler there with the cops. Daycare also threatened to kick our toddler out. (again, understandably so).
My STBXhusband was so mad and said I was a cruel mother for abandoning our toddler. I told him I warned him multiple times in the past, and issues only arise when he has "custody" (we switch with each week, trialing house swap too). I told him repeatedly if he cannot get out of work reliably, he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny and he cannot rely on me as his primary backup. (I'd get it if it was like once or twice a year, or if babysitter/nanny plans fell through... but if i'm his exwife and he has custody, he shouldn't depend on me as his primary backup)
And I also felt bad about leaving our toddler but if we separated, this would only keep happening and I felt short term pain might be worth the long term gain. I feel bad our toddler is caught in the middle, but was I the AH for letting daycare call CPS?
Relevant details: We're both high paying jobs...but I intention do not schedule myself to work late on days I have him or I have a nanny/babysitter ready. Now with the trial separation, I have cut down to half time - I work half days on the days I have our toddler so I can spend time with him, and work long days on days I'm "childfree". He has made no changes in his schedule.
Talk to your attorney. Stop posting background information on Reddit. This can be so bad for you.
Call your attorney now. Explicitly follow the directions of your attorney. Explicitly. Do not make any response to this post.
ETA: thank you for the award.
💯💯 this OP. Custody cases are weird. Both my sisters are dealing with them. Op needs to see this
OP needs to see if she can get testimony/a written statement from the daycare stating they only have issues when the dad has primary custody. I have never been through a custody battle but I’m assuming their statement would hold some weight?
No need. They get charged a late fee when the child is picked up late. A statement showing the dates the late fees were applied and a separate document outlining when the dad had custody is all that should be needed.
Mmm, perhaps, but the impact of them saying it, is, I think, weighty. She should use everything she's got. This won't go over well. For him!
While it could mean more for them to say it, I can also see a business simply not wanting the liability of being involved any more than absolutely necessary. A statement of charges would likely be accepted "as is" by the courts and then it would be on the ex to refute or disprove the dates.
Forgot to say, edited. For grammar.
OP needs to follow the directions of their attorney.
Yup, but trust me, the CPS statements taken a lot more seriously. This guy's upset because he knows she's got him in his short and curlies.
It's already being documented and OP would be able to prove that via the documents. No testimony required
💯 This! With it being a "trial separation," maybe there aren't attorneys involved yet, but I would definitely find one after this.
I know Reddit is a place where people can get general advice, but this is a highly complex situation that needs to be sorted out with an attorney. I don't understand why OP doesn't just file for divorce. This "trialing a separation" shit is just bull shit
Since you two are still LEGALLY married, cps will just take your kid, by thinking that you both should have made sure that the boy was picked up. If you're seperated LEGALLY, ON PAPER, you could have more credance, but if nothing has been filed, then to the court's perspective, you're still legally married, which means that on paper, you're still married and in the same household, even though you're not anymore. The court will look at it this way- either you both are fighting so much that you're throwing your kid under the bus to "get back" at the other parent, or that you're both unfit parents- perhaps addicts- who won't take responsibility for your child's care. Now I'm not saying this personally-I think what you're doing is fair, but the courts, and ESPECIALLY DCF, won't be on your side. Since they've already gotten involved, you need to lawyer up, like yesterday. Don't prioritize anything else except getting a good attorney, and make sure you have at least 5k in reserve to pay them a retainer upfront. I've been where you're at, almost exactly, but I learned from the school of hard knocks-DCF is NOT your friend. Good luck, op. Take everything you said here and forward it to an attorney ASAP.
Said the same thing got downvoted to Oblivion. She's definitely the asshole. Not because he's not an asshole too. But because she's putting herself before the kids.
And like you said she's hurting the kids for no good reason because the Court's not going to be on her side on this one.
Someone was so upset at me by my response that they told me I should kill myself. I don't get people on the internet anymore
35 states require a separation or "cooling off" period before divorce. South Carolina and North Carolina require an entire year of separation before filing.
Absolutely. Refusing to pick your child up because you’re working even though your husband is showing he’s unreliable has the potential to backfire on you massively, especially given your “trial separation” probably doesn’t have legal weight.
You need to get a lawyer if you don’t already have one and follow their advice to the letter.
The only reason I hesitate to knock the "trial seperation," is that some states have stipulations around "you must have spent the last year seperated," or whatever before you can even be granted a divorce in the first place.
I agree wholeheartedly. My son is going thru custody stuff right now. His attorney has told him ZERO info on any socials regarding issues with baby momma. They will bring it up in mediation and/or court. I'd even say remove the post. All the courts care about is what is best for the child. Not either you or your ex. OP Is it best for your baby to get caught in the middle and sit at daycare when you could get him? Was it best for your toddler to call CPS? No, it's not. That can go against you as well. It's not up to you to teach your ex a lesson. It's up to you to take care of your child. I know i sound harsh but I've seen this all firsthand. EVERYTHING you do needs to be in the best interests of the child. Just because you're sick of being backup doesn't matter. Unless you don't want more than 50/50. The courts will reduce your ex's % if he can't handle things. Follow your attorney's advice to the letter. Even if it goes against what you think. My son was a "dream client" because he did what his lawyer said. He didn't like a lot of it, but he listened. Well it worked. Baby momma dug herself into a hole so deep she couldn't climb out of it. Let your ex do the same. You're somewhat the AH because the welfare of your child should be the priority over teaching the ex a lesson.
I've had 4 women block me on Facebook because they posted a meme that said, "My kids weren't a mistake, but their father sure was!" and I replied, "I would strongly recommend that you delete that post."
Yeah, things like that don't work out so well, either.
My son's baby momma got herself in trouble posting multiple things like that.... and yes she was called out about it. Flat out told to stop, that it was not appropriate and it was disingenuous of her to profess she was being so respectful and accommodating when clearly she was not. It's now in their parenting plan that they are not to disparage one another or the other's family etc because it affects the child in a negative way.
Even if it's true, you DO NOT put that stuff on social media. Talk to your therapist, pastor, best friend, etc. but not the Internet! For people who want to do that: What if your EX acted that way?
THIS! You have to get legal advice from an attorney in your state and do what they say!
It's fake. Either that or OP is a huge moron.
This needs to be the top and only response here!
Please be careful that you don't screw yourself over with this. Yes, your stbx should have consequences for failing to care for your son by not picking him up from daycare during his parenting time. However, you may not be helping yourself on the upcoming custody battle by telling the daycare to go ahead and call CPS.
Instead, go pick your son up, Every. Single. Time. and document it. Ask the daycare to call your stbx before calling you and to keep a record for you of how many times he has to be called because he is late or no shows.
Use that documentation of your stbs's irresponsiblity in making sure your child is cared for to get full custody of your son, limited visitation, and full child support.
i'd lose my job if i keep calling out in place of him
How will you manage your work commitments if you get full custody? The current situation is clearly not working and it’s negatively impacting your child, your husband is unlikely to get better, so you need to think of a new plan.
I'd use child support for a part time nanny. I have a SAHM friend right now who I pay to get my child if my day runs long (would be abnormal because the weeks I have him, I only do shorter days, I'm done usually by 2 pm... but she's there as my part time nanny to help me out if I run late, her kids are older).
Unfortunately your husband is almost certainly going to keep being unreliable, so I think you need to look at what aspects of that plan you can implement now while you get the legal divorce in motion.
Once you get CPS involved this could spiral out of your control in very bad ways and refusing to pick up your child could look really bad for you if you get an unsympathetic case worker or judge. After all, if your child is sick someone needs to pick them up even if you’re working - you’re ultimately still responsible as a parent.
If i'm working and I have custody, I make arrangements and plan accordingly for just in case - as I always have. His backup plan is me.
He's not a bad dad when he's around. Which is why if he wanted 50% custody, I'd be fine. But I don't want to just wait around as his backup plan. If I don't have custody - I'd work or travel. If I have custody, I'll be present. But what I will not do is "not have custody but sit on my ass waiting to be his on call nanny"
You need to get a legal separation or a divorce and a real custody arrangement. ASAP. In the meantime, these posters are correct. He's not going to stop doing this and letting your child go through that to "teach him a lesson" will not look good for you. So pick your kid up, document it every time, and go for primary custody and generous child support. Make whatever temporary arrangements you have to in order to make this happen.
Yes, it sucks. Yes, you are being treated like his on call nanny. And if you document that, and work with your attorney, you will have a very good case for primary custody and child support.
But what you are doing currently will not work out for you in the long run.
We’re scheduled to meet with a mediator later this week.
You need an ATTORNEY! I mean, look, I know everyone wants to think they can have an amicable divorce and co-parent well together. But the truth is, few can, at least at first. That's why there's a legal process and framework for handling this.
You are already seeing that co-parenting, etc. isn't going to be completely amicable. I mean... CPS was called. The cops were called. And you are early in this process.
In the long run, actually doing this through the proper legal framework, with legal representation, will make all of this cleaner, neater and more likely to end up amicable, with good co-parenting. By trying to work all this out yourselves, you set yourself up to have these contentious situations with no custody order to fall back to.
But currently you aren’t divorced and there’s no legal custody arrangement in place - you’re both fully legally responsible for your child.
Someone who is regularly abandoning your child at daycare after closing is not a good or reliable parent and he’s not going to suddenly get better. You can’t just throw up your hands here - the one who is going to suffer is your young child.
L9ve ur kid more than u hate their dad. You statement is all me and not child. If u are out of town fine but if you are around your child is still your child 24/7... you take care of child FIRST and then deal with fall out. If your job is getting shaky then file for custody modification and use all those fail to pick up days as your reasoning but this... CPS is called for the CHILD which is BOTH parents. This is not something that happened at his house THEY CALLED YOU AND YOU REFUSED. Thats not a good look.
Gonna lose your kid if you don’t pick them up from daycare on time regardless of who’s supposed to have custody.
THIS IS THE FUCKING ONE!
How can anyone not realise that "I knew my kid was left abandoned and could have got there but instead told them to call CPS" is NOT A GOOD LOOK either.
fuuuuuck me.
Do not allow CPS in this any longer. It will bite you just as much as him. Lawyer, document, document, document. He only wants 50/50 to avoid child support. He clearly cannot handle solo parenting, whether by choice or circumstance. Proceed to divorce and stop drawing this out - your baby deserves stability.
It doesn’t come down to “allow” once they’re already involved…
That is a fair assessment. NGL
Honestly this. While I understand with ops frustration, as a ex-foster hell would have to freeze over before I let those monsters anywhere near my child! She should have had anyone else pick her kid up and just kept documenting. Now that CPS is involved there is a non-zero chance they both loose this kid. The system is fickle and very unforgiving.
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Given that he's blaming her it's probably still not the wake up call he needs, but it is the documenting she needs.
OP, tell him point blank that on his custody days you are not reasonable for y'all's kid, he is, both legally and ethically. Might be worth pointing out as well that multiple CPS reports of him abandoning y'all's toddler will pretty much guarantee that he will only be given supervised visitation, so if he wants split custody he needs to figure out childcare for when he's not available.
That said, you can also pick your kid up then go to the police over the abandonment, which might be easier on your kid than leaving kid at the daycare. This part may be true depending on where you live but you shouldn't do it without taking with a lawyer first.
Edit: Get a lawyer and get actual legal advice on how to handle this. You don't want it blowing back on you. This may mean picking up your kid then reporting him for abandonment, but that could very well depend on where you live, and a lawyer will be able to explain your best course of action.
The courts do not see it this way. It can go very badly for OP if she does that. OP needs an attorney and to follow legal advice. Daycare needs to document the no show and late pick ups and so does OP by text. Texts are admissible as evidence. She and ex need to only communicate thru a court approved parenting app as well.
That's a good point that her knowingly not showing up could also be seen as abandonment by OP, even if it shouldn't be. This is such a common control tactic by abusive exes that OP should be using everything she has to document it, but you're right that a lawyer will know what's most effective in a given jurisdiction.
There have definitely been cases where, "Pick up the kid yourself then take kid to the police to report the abandonment," was the recommended course of action, but if that will go over badly with the local judges then a local lawyer will know that.
Exactly. It's crazy and frustrating. My son has done a LOT of venting to me privately. But his lawyer was totally right. They saw him as a loving dad who was doing everything he could to make his baby the priority. Not engaging in drama, doing everything to be cooperative. Even to his own inconvenience and detriment. But judges are looking at who can put aside their own personal feelings for the good of the child. There are a lot of crap parents out there, but it seems that courts are finally getting wiser (at least where I am) to the antics and shutting them down.
This. ESH cause the victim is the child. If OP genuinely cannot pick him up because she is put of the area then they would be clear but to not do it to prove a point... thats not cool because using your child to score doesnt go over well. The process can be long and drawn out BUT in the end put your kid over getting back at parent
A daycare wouldn’t just leave a toddler to fend for themselves. They would get shut down for that. Realistically, calling CPS or the police is what they’d do in the event of child abandonment, which is what happened.
That would NEVER happen. If you send your child to a facility with staff that would legitimately leave your toddler unsupervised simply because it’s closing time, rethink your life choices. When possible, both parents are included on the pickup list for this reason. If one parent fails to meet their pickup obligations, you go to court.
Oh my gosh what are you doing. Talk to your lawyer and get their advice. If I was you, I’d pick child up but start a record of every time he fell through. This is going to look bad for both of you.
Your feelings are valid, but beware that when it comes to the custody battle portion of the divorce, the CPS being called to come to daycare might come back to bite you in the ass too. In my opinion, it’d be better to document his late arrivals and no-shows than to allow CPS to get involved
Talk to your attorney aboout how to handle this and stop posting online. In fact, I would confer with you lawyer about deleting this. Custody shit is weird so I don't know how it might look if you delete and this were to come up so TALK TO A LAWYER
OP, I'm sorry your stbx is a dick and a shit dad, but you need to delete this post and any other information about the situation on social media and call your lawyer immediately.
Don't let your kid sit at daycare alone agaIn, and get a hold of your lawyer ASAP.
I think it hurts right now and you're questioning it because you're a good mom but in the long run you did the right thing. Hopefully your separate times are well documented and so are your conversations with him because if he doesn't have time for 50/50 custody he doesn't deserve it and the courts probably wouldn't have seen any problem with it if you didnt involve authorities.
It hurts now, but you did the right thing. If he doesn’t have time for the kid, he shouldn’t be going for custody.
I don’t think you’re understanding that if you are not divorced yet, you are both legally responsible for your child at ALL times. Be bitter and petty all you want once the custody and divorce are finalized, but in court YOU WILL ALSO look like the negligent one here.
YTA for refusing to pick up your child out of spite. If your stbx is failing as a parent, you should be documenting instead of using your child to punish them.
Think about how your kid must feel being the last child to be picked up. Just because they are still a toddler doesn’t mean they won’t pick up on the fact that their parents aren’t there for them.
It’s crazy that this doesn’t have more upvotes. The most upvoted comment in this thread says N T A and he shouldn’t be getting custody etc etc. insane.
You need to get the documentation of dates and times they had to call you. You give that to your lawyer.
Get a lawyer.
It sounds like there is no actual custody order. As I see it, you're still likely a custodial parent at all times -- your private agreement with STBX to the contrary does not change that reality.
This can backfire on you, your child is also your responsibility. They didn’t just call CPS and the police on your husband, they called on you too. You are now the mother who refused to get their child and told them to call the police, that will look so bad for you. There’s no official custody order, so it’s 50/50 if a judge will care that your husband isn’t doing what he agreed to when you both are skirting your responsibilities. Your daycare is also 100% going to drop your child, which will impact your job far greater than leaving to pick them up. Time to make sure you have a really good attorney.
talk to your attorney to make sure you’re not making yourself look bad
ESH.
Your STBX is an asshole and absolutely should be more responsible and adjust his schedule.
That said, if you could have picked him up and didn't, you also are the asshole. You wasted valuable CPS time for a child who wasn't being abused or neglected. Also, maybe you don't understand that both parents are parties to a CPS case and having that on your record can damage you professionally.
More important, whether or not you are your STBX's primary backup, you are always and forever your child's primary backup when your child is in his other parent's care.
Here's how you handle it: get a written parenting plan for your separation. If your STBX keeps violating the timely pickup from daycare provision, bring a motion for contempt. That's all.
Oh the child is definitely being neglected and emotionally abused. It’s being used as a pawn in its parents petty divorce games. Blazing example of people who are incapable of loving their child more than they hate their ex.
NTA.
You warned him, he kept failing, and protecting your child isn’t cruelty, it’s parenting
Anyone in this thread thinking of the trauma the child is getting with cops and cps. This is why I hated my parents divorce, I was the after thought. And CPS could deem them both unfit and send the child to a foster home and who knows what would happen then
Yep. And anyone that thinks a child doesn't remember stuff like this is an idiot. Toddler or not. Because its also going ro be rehashed in court for YEARS
Document everything, and make it a permanent separation not a trial one.
ESH
Yes, your ex needs to be accountable for not picking up your kid on time. His lack of planning shows he is not realiable and that the custody he wants is not something he is ready to actually do.
But, instead of leaving the kid at daycare, could you have not just documented each time he was late or a no show, and then use that information during a custody decision? Instead of screwing over the daycare center, endangering your spot there, and invovling CPS, who will now be up both your asses?
Yes, he needs to understand what he is doing wrong here, but you are using your kid as a pawn. Instead, put the kid first, and keep good records.
And buy the daycare workers some coffee and doughnuts, along with an apology.
I don't think you're an asshole but you have now put your family on CPS' radar.
Worked with CPS for a long time and you do not want your daughter, your STBex or yourself in their systems because if there ever is an issue, you now have a history established of abandonment (I get it was minor but CPS doesn't care, school's don't care, courts don't care).
Your STBex is definitely not prioritizing your daughter but please don't let CPS or authorities get involved unless something severe happens. It complicates things and it may arise at an inconvenient time in the future that could really cause problems for your family.
You are playing a dangerous game.
YTA big time. Record evidence of these instances, use them when its time to demonstrate his lack of ability to care for the child. Don’t leave a fucking toddler stranded without their parents and stressed out daycare workers. This is beyond insanity.
You call CPS and they’ll be looking right at you for why you also abandoned your child. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
This has to be fake. the facility would have called CPS on BOTH of you for not picking up the child given that there is no parenting plan and you equally are responsible. For all the daycare knows it’s your day and you are lying.
Exactly like if I worked at that daycare and the father was late or didn't pick up his child and I call the mom and she refuses to come and says will call CPS then. That looks extremely bad on OP'S part because it's like so you're willing to have CPS called and have your child taken in order to teach your ex a lesson she better hoped doesn't backfire on her
NTA but you really should have consulted a lawyer before making this decision because you are still technically married and CPS is going to be investigating you both.
I'm a teacher who also works aftercare. It's too bad when people have to stay late because parents can't get their act together. It's especially hard on the child because they can tell it's getting darker outside, and they're scared they are not going to get picked up. Unfortunately, it happens more than you would think. My advice would be to pick up the child if you can but document everything.
So daycare is gonna do what daycare gotta do.
However:
If you're logging how many times you have to pick up his slack because he's late to pick up the kid and /or no-showing at daycare... you can drop that log of how many times he's neglected your kid in a court room as an argument against him getting 50/50.
Short term pain for long term gain, and your child isn't stuck with annoyed childcare workers. Do you think they're going to treat your child worse only on days when Dad is supposed to pick up? Don't make your problems with your stbx into their problems. Next time, just pick up your dang kid, and document document document.
Because the other side of this is that if you make it into a habit of only being there for your kid when it's "your time" and not having your kid's back always... your kid will grow up believing you won't always have their back. Dad might not ever have their back, but you won't always... which is just as bad, in a kid's eyes.
ESH
Your husband sucks way more than you but if CPS investigates this they will also look at how you refused to pick up your child. This could easily go against you and your husband and your kid may end up in foster care. You should be documenting when your husband is late for pickup and showing that YOU are reliable parent who picks up her kid instead. Instead you are showing that you are willing to weaponize your child. Its not good for you.
ESH because some poor CPS worker already probably stretched too thin and underpaid is getting called out because 2 people can't act like adults and get this resolved so they can give their kid the best life.
Agree. CPS does not take kindly to using its services to 'punish' exes.
I've seen this happen before and it never ends pretty because now there is a record of abandonment. If a mandatory reporter ever makes another report to CPS about this family, there is a history of abandonment.
And yes, this happens to people with money. People with money lose their kids to foster care or to other family members.
Not worth it.
Right? Just because Dad has him doesn't mean she's not mom still. If he doesn't show up, mom should show up. What if the kid was at school and was sick? If Dad had him that week and couldn't pick him up, is mom going to say "nah I'm childfree right now, it's Dad's responsibility, keep calling him" That's what I'm getting from this post.
Yeah it seemed weird to me that she said she shouldn't be his primary backup, and I might be wrong since I don't have relevant experience, but shouldn't the child's other bio parent with 50/50 custody absolutely be the primary backup?
That is what I was thinking. It seems weird that she thinks that she is being treated like a nanny, when this is her own child.
Same thing that popped into my mind also .
NTA, sounds like he want half custody so he doesn’t have to pay childcare money, otherwise HE would not do this to his toddler
What the hell do you mean the daycare shouldn't care about your divorce situation? The majority of kidnappings happen when parents are having a messy divorce and the parent without custody takes the kid from the parent with custody. Daycare should be very concerned about which parent has custody or the kids they are supposed to be responsible for are going to be very vulnerable to parental kidnapping by someone found unfit to parent.
My opinion might not be popular but— you’re both AHs.
You are right about your STBX needing to figure his stuff out. BUT you cannot let your little one be used to teach that lesson.
Keep a record of these occurrences. Ask your daycare to text you when he’s late. Use this documentation to support a petition for a custody change. Your daycare may even agree to provide a letter confirming that you pick up on schedule and the lates have occurred on days when they expected STBX at pick up.
Bottom line, you need to step up if and when STBX falters. Your child deserves to be loved and cared for even if it’s not your day-night-week-weekend.
Signed, a mom that raised 3 kids with someone just like your STBX
YTA, only because CPS might not care that you’re separated. Because you’re still legally married it’s likely that you and him will BOTH be investigated. I would never ever risk that, personally. What you should’ve done is keep a log and ask the daycare to provide you documentation of when the late pickups occurred and how late they were, that way your lawyer could use it in your divorce proceedings. But by calling CPS you’re playing with fire. Since you’re not divorced yet and don’t have an official custody agreement you are equally responsible for picking up your child.
I'll probably be downvoted but Imma say yes, YTA. So is your ex.
Why?
You are making your child a part of your relationship/divorce games.
This is your child and their care and safety should be your utmost priority. If that means having to pick them up because your ex is a piece of shit, then you do it. They don't need to be aware of all your relationship drama and you certainly don't want the state crawling up your ass or taking the child.
Document all the times he didn't show and take it to court for custody.
Someone that has logical thoughts beyond petty revenge.
Exactly this
NTA....Time to get a lawyer and go to court to see that he does not get 50/50 custody. He has already proven he can not be reliable for his child.
How does he expect to have 50/50 when he can't even meet this requirement? Almost all other parents are capable of making it on time.
NTA. Your STBX needs to find a reliable solution if he cannot pick up your child on his custody time or agree to a custody agreement he can work with. I hope you are documenting these instances and forwarding them to your lawyer.
I also hope something can be worked out soon because being left waiting for pickup is rough on kids of any age, but brutal on a toddler.
The only thing is with making him face the consequences of his actions CPS will investigate you too so be prepared for that. You're job is already upset with you bailing to pick up his slake and you can't lose your job. He needs a back up plain if he can't pick up your child, a friend family something it's not your responsibility when it's his custody time
NTA. Make sure you get a copy of the CPS report. Also go to the daycare and receive a copy of all the times your son has been left late. Also Hire an attorney.
He's more the AH but you are too. Any call to CPS makes both parents look bad and is extremely frightening for a child of any age. You're hurting your kid by trying to win long term in your divorce when you could have definitely gotten some sort of written documentation from daycare of him consistently not picking your son up. Your STBEX is terrible and needs to learn to pick your child up on time but not by having CPS called and scaring your kid.
NTA
I had to do similar. My ex had bedbugs. The school nurse called me and was about to go off about the kids constantly coming to her with bites. I told her to check for a pattern of every other Monday and said that's when they're with their dad. I told her I was well aware of the problem and literally doing everything in my power but I have no control over him. I had been arguing about it with him and he didn't want to pay for it, nor was he willing to put in the work to prevent them. I was steaming everything, putting my laundry in giant ziplock bags right out of the dryer. He denied it and said since I ride the bus it was me. The nurse called him and threatened to call CPS.
NTA. He needs to learn to adult on his own. This is a basic responsibility as the primary parent. He either hires someone, works out something with the daycare on his own or agrees to less custody since he can’t reliably pickup kiddo during the week. It’s about priorities. You understand yours, he doesn’t want to grasp his. You aren’t a crutch for him. You’re an ‘in case of emergency’ and he’s cried wolf too many times at this point. You did what needed to be done. Here’s hoping kiddo doesn’t need to find a new daycare.
make sure this is documented and in the hands of your lawyer. him already having issues with custody is alarming.
NTA.
NTA for making your ex have to deal with CPS. Now to make sure you don't cause yourself problems going forward. Talk to your lawyer and listen the their advice. Do you want primary custody or the 50/50 you have now. If you want 50/50 it looks like you are going to have a lot of years of frustration because you can't control his time with your child and he is putting work first. However if you want primary custody just be prepared for him to be the fun parent on his weekends and your career may suffer. Best of luck.
He's a cruel (and stupid )father for thinking his soon to be ex will always be at his beck and call for not being able to plan pick ups of his own daughter.. and still expecting to go for child custody.
This isn't that hard to plan, and honestly, he's only getting a taste of what a lot of women with full time jobs along with their partner goes through every day, and he can't even put his daughter first.
Back to reality - read that one post about contacting your attorney.
NTA
It’s good to have this paper trail for custody
My STBX husband was so mad and said I was a cruel mother for abandoning our toddler
So...what kind of father does that make him for abandoning your toddler enough times for them to have threatened the police and CPS several times?
Sounds like neither one of you should be procreating. Your child is the victim here and you're worried about your ex. Your priorities are screwed up. Please don't make anymore children. You and the father are both ASSHOLES.
Hope he had to pay the $2 per minute (that works out at over $100). This may be tough - he just doesn’t care about being a parent. You NTA, unfortunately you married TA
He can afford it. He makes 350-500/hr
Does he understand that half custody includes not only papers, but taking care of actual child 50% of the time?
When CPS takes your kid and places them in foster care, you will regret these actions. You have no idea the corruption that is CPS.
GOOD JOB, keep documenting, and ask for CPS report too
YTA for leaving your baby there so late. Not just to the daycare, but your kid. Get the daycare to document the days he is late and get full custody.
You need to delete this post. This isn't for reddit to discuss, it's for you to document with your attorney to take to family court, for your custody fight.
NTA. He’s making it clear from his behavior that he is only fighting for 50/50 custody in order to not pay child support. If he cannot complete the duties of 50/50 custody, he cannot have it. As you said, this is a repeated issue that he has been warned several times about not only by you, but by the daycare. 1/4-1/3 of your child’s life is about to be irrevocably changed due to being kicked out of the daycare; that is a very large portion. And, to have it be changed solely due to dad’s incompetence is asinine.
He’s apparently well educated and intelligent enough to be employed in a high paying field; how is he magically incapable of doing basic parenting?
NTA. 8 times he failed to pick up his daughter, and 8 times, he failed to make arrangements ahead of time for a trusted person to pick her up. He just didn’t show up and figured you’d drop everything when the daycare called you after closing time?
Can you imagine what this is doing to your kid? A toddler notices all the other kids got picked up by their mommies and daddies.
He makes plenty of money to hire a nanny, or a babysitter.
Stop dabbling with this trial separation and house swap nonsense. File for divorce.
YTAH
You are the mother. Period.
All you are proving is that your child has NO dependable parent. That you are making a decision to make your child upset, and confused, and unsafe is gross.
And, if you think your child won't remember this, you may find yourself to be VERY sadly mistaken. They very well might remember police, and drama with being abandoned by both parents.
I went through a carbon copy situation. I had a similar thought to let my ex hang himself. My lawyer told me no way.
Be the one steady, dependable, drama-free safe space for your child.
Which, by the way; you should ALWAYS BE no matter WHAT.
It's LITERALLY YOUR JOB.
Find the movie Irreconcilable Differences and watch it.
You "abandoned" your child during his custody time. Damn, you're talented.
I hope you're keeping good documentation during this. Document everything, including this.
NTA. My mom used to forget about me and the counselors would have to take me home with them. Happened so much, I got kicked out of daycare. lol I used have to listen to her bitch that people had no compassion for a working mom. I almost believed her, too.
NTA you need to only be communicating with him through a court app and you should discuss this with your lawyer.
He just wants half custody to avoid paying child support.
This is likely fake. 5 hour old account, one post, and most importantly no one is this stupid, except for AI.
I hope you have been documenting each time it happens. It will go against his bid for custody
Most fathers only want half custody to get out of paying child support. It’s good that you have this documented and every time prior to the CPS call that he has done this. Make sure you have a documented as well. It’s too bad. He’s missing out on some quality time with your kid.
You need a lawyer, not Reddit.
Okay so I very much understand why you did what you did. But as an ex family law attorney I’m going to tell you what I would tell my clients. You have to decide if you hate your ex more than you love your child. If the answer is that you love your child more than you hate your ex then you need to always act in your child’s best interest even when it benefits your ex. One more thing and this goes to all people who have children and are divorced. I am highly against the one week with one parent and the next week with the other parent unless it is the parents who have to switch houses. It is unfair and cruel to make children basically live out of suitcases with no place to actually call home. I know a judge who has had the children remain in the marital home and the parents come and go per the custody schedule. Remember your child did not ask to be born and further had nothing to do with his/her parents getting a divorce. They should be protected and put first by both parents in every circumstance. And if one parent is failing to do that unfortunately the other parent is going to have to step it up even more. Is that fair ? No, but at least one of the parents has to put the child first, always.
Couldn’t this hurt OP in court too? It wasn’t her custody week but once she found out her ex was a no show, she chose not to pick her child up as well.
Yes it could. They are still married and there is no custody order in place. Very foolish to involve CPS.
NTA. Half the custody=half the responsibility. It's not your job to anticipate that he might be late to pick your kids up(it never was).
NTA if you didn’t let this happen then you’d only be helping to hide the reasons he shouldn’t have the level of custody he’s going to ask the courts for.
NTA, he is for not making his son his priority & taking responsibility for doing what he needs to do
Devil's advocate here. A child should never be used to teach someone a lesson. There are other methods. I'm not sure how old the child is but involving them when you could have picked them up is ridiculous.
NTA for letting daycare call them in. YTA for leaving the kid. Especially the whole short term pain, long term gain part you wrote. They’re a toddler but I hope they don’t have any sort of remembrance of this. Honestly, if he’s going to be like this, just get full custody at this point and give him supervised visitation and make the necessary arrangements for work. I’m sorry, but if he’s going to be like this I wouldn’t trust him.
Sounds like he only wants 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child support, not because he actually wants to parent his kid
NTA. He can’t share custody if he can’t handle sharing custody
NTA, you need to start documenting the times your soon to be ex has been a no show this information can be used to reduce the time your child spends with the child. I say this because he appears to want to play daddy but he is proving he's not responsible enough. Just picture going on vacation 5 or 6 states away and he pulls a no show.
NTA. You didn't abandon your son, he abandoned him. He gets to deal with the consequences of his actions. If that means that you get full custody and he gets visitation a couple times a month then that is what is necessary.
I would talk to my lawyer about taking this to court citing all the times he has failed to pick him up on time and has used you as the primary backup.
There is no custody order. She is not the primary backup. She IS THE MOTHER that is using her child as a pawn to.prove a point.
I would delete this post.
You should delete this. I'm familiar with this exact situation and can tell you that you are putting yourself in both legal and civil hot water. CPS, itself, won't really differentiate whose day it was, other than determining the primary and secondary guardian. As soon as you became aware that your child was "abandoned" they consider your lack of response to the situation as willful neglect and being culpable in the abandonment. It's just the way it is.
Judges in family courts will look down on your behavior as well. They will contend that a responsible parent would respond to their child when in need, regardless of the situation and you should have responded to your child's need and documented your ex's failures, not refrain from responding to your child's needs as a tool to address your ex's failures.
Anyways, consult your attorney about this and follow their guidance. Good luck.
Argh, id divorce your husband too.
Fight for 50/50, but consistently shows he isnt responsible enough. Sucks you needed to waste cops and cps time just so he can learn a lesson.
NTA
He put the child in this situation not you, ask the nursery for documentation stating the dates his has been late and the extra charges incurred because of it. Take it straight to your lawyer.
If you want him to have 50/50 ask the judge for a review or penalty for not picking up on time. Of not use it to get custody!
I've never, ever, ever heard of a daycare calling CPS for a parent being late. CPS is for abuse/neglect. An hour late sucks, but is neither of those things. They would simply kick him out. Kids get dismissed from daycare for a lot less.
You also never want CPS involved in non-abuse/neglect cases. It's taking scarce resources away from children that actually need it, and now you've got a documented case where CPS is involved. Not good. Anyone that's hard dealings with CPS can tell you you don't want them involved unless it is absolutely necessary. CPS puts kids in foster care for less. They also ignore cases a lot more serious.
Too much doesn't make sense. I'm not positive this is a real AITAH and not a chatbot story.
Not picking up your child from daycare, repeatedly, could be considered neglect. Her child won't end up in foster care because her and the husband are no longer together. This situation will make it easier for her to gain sole custody because he keeps dropping the ball.
NTA.
How are you a cruel mother for abandoning your child when he clearly does not care enough to get to the daycare in time.
He is the delinquent parent.
I know your separation is a “trial” as of right now, but if I were you, your stbx’s behavior and attitude would 100% convince me to make it a permanent separation and to officially file for divorce.
You are NTA for allowing them to call CPS. It’s actually a super smart move. This will help you tremendously in family court when custody is decided. Documenting these kinds of things yourself is incredibly helpful, but having it officially documented by the authorities is even better. I would also ask the daycare if they could give you a letter with all of the times this has happened, and the specifics.
Your stbx just FA and FO. Unfortunately for your toddler, they’re stuck in the middle. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, and are doing all the right things. Your stbx’s actions are NOT, and never will be, YOUR responsibility - neither are whatever consequences he winds up facing.
Good luck during the divorce. Give his entitled attitude and lack of intelligence, I have a feelings it’s going to be a pain in the ass process. Stay strong mama. You’re doing great.
NTA
Get the police report/CPS report if you can cause if you guys go to court for custody arraignment or child support it will be good supporting documents for you being primary custodian!
You are wrong. The report will show neither of the parents picked the child up. She is the mother. It is HER JOB to bend over backwards at all times to make sure her child feels safe, and cared for.
NTA. He probably wants 50/50 custody to reduce his child support obligation. That seems to be the motivation for most men wanting equal custody. So he wants 50/50, but can't reliably handle his 50/50 parental obligations.
And I get that emergencies pop up. But 8+ times in a couple of months is ridiculous. To add to the ridiculousness, why does he let it go until you are getting calls from the daycare after they close? Is he that unaware of the time that he doesn't think "I have to pick kiddo up in 45 minutes and I am going to be late! Let me call OP/or other emergency contact". No, he is just ghosting his kid at the daycare. Wtf.
yes, simply for putting your child through that.
NTA Childcare worker here. You did the right thing. The Centre was being lenient by not calling the police sooner. If you can you should enrol your toddler under your own account, separate from his but add him as an emergency contact. Day cares can do this and if you are separated you should have done it already. That way you won't be liable for his late fees. If your centre refuses to do this I highly recommend finding one that will. Cancel the enrolment with them if you can and your stbx wants to stay there he can enrol without you on his own account. You are going to have to come to a custody arrangement. It sounds like you both want 50/50 which is becoming the norm, however, consistently picking your child up late looks bad on him and is taken into consideration if you end up in court. Doing the pick up for him is doing him a massive favour that will only hurt you in the long run.
Why does this post have more info than your other one on relationship advice? Legit just read this and was shorter
Document everything. Get records from the daycare. Make sure to get a lawyer for your custody hearing. NTA when it comes to taking care of your kids like this, for anyone.
NTA. If he wants to share custody he needs to do the work half the time or deal with the consequences like an adult
Can’t play weekend dad and expect full-credit parenting. Share the kid, share the responsibility, or don’t bother.
Exactly but if he's like this chances are he's only insisting on shared custody to get out of paying CS.
Yep. That’s what I think is going on. I used to babysit for a couple whose marriage ended in divorce. The wife was good, paid me on time and tried to create a consistent, loving environment for her kids. The husband seemed to want to do his best at first, but he was hardly there because he worked nights so most of the work of raising their kids and managing their household was left to his wife, who had to work long hours to keep things going.
It was such a tough job. Their kids were higher needs and were acting out, especially after things went south for their parents’ marriage. The wife let me know when they were separating/divorcing and that I had to be paid separately depending on who had custody time.
That was its own nightmare. Then she warned me that her ex was going for 50/50 and would likely ask me to be a full time nanny for him because she knew he wouldn’t be able to actually be there for his parenting time. 50/50 just so he didn’t have to pay more child support. I’m not saying he didn’t love his kids, he did, but it was 100% because he didn’t want to pay more support.
If they both have high paying jobs and he gets 50/50 he won’t have to pay any child support. OP document the dates he did not pick up your son on time. Hire an attorney, they can a get an expedited court date and you probably can prove neglect on his end because he isn’t picking up his son. If it happens a lot then you could get primary physical custody and he would get the Disneyland Dad visitation ( every other weekend) Your Attorney could subpoena the sign in and out reports for the daycare that shows how often and how late he picks up your child. Also if it is the weekend make sure you have in writing that he would come pick up your child, don’t you become a delivery service for him.
That last part is important because it isn't a few minutes, like "traffic was bad". An hour? Disgraceful.
The only issue I then see with this is Dad gets the fun weekend Dad without any of the parenting effort. Doesn't need to think about schooling, after school care or clubs, or homework as they get older. No consideration to mum having to work, plan & prep meals, organise laundry etc.
Weekend Dad's get to live their life over, carefree and responsibility free whilst mum hardly catches her breath. Or a good night's sleep either.
Judges should not allow this to happen. The should enforce both parents to parent or risk prison time. If the mother refused to let the father see the child, she risks prison. So why should feckless fathers who are quite happy walking away not be held accountable too. Not just in the financial sense. Which many get away with too.
I applaud you for letting CPS called on him. He deserves much more. Thankfully your child is young enough that they will most likely forget the event anyway.
Go for the jugular.
Updateme!
Or he might get the toddler who doesn’t recognize him or want to do anything unfamiliar
Yeah--this dynamic can suck.
But ultimately it's better for the kids (assuming he does show up as Fun Dad, which is uncertain here) to have a parent who shows up when he should even if it's less often.
And yeah--more of the parenting falls on the parent with majority custody. That's generally also good for the kids in a situation like this where the other parent isn't showing up.
Yeah, it can suck for the majority custody parent... but it's better for the kids, in general.
This is my situation. Tried to get him to take every other weekend but somehow only Sundays work for him. So he has his son for 2 days/mth, no overnights. I call him the “fun uncle”, all they do is go play golf, go to the movies, amusement park, you get the picture. But yet somehow, he still tries to plaster shit all over fb talking about what a great kid he’s raising and what a great dad he is. Comes to maybe 1/10 of his games, never handles practices, meet ups with friends, etc. And has the audacity to tell me I’m not doing a good job even though my son is an honor roll student in all advanced placement classes, top athlete, and just all around awesome kid. He also pays a fraction of the CS he’s supposed to. (My offer so that he wouldn’t fight me on custody.)
But you know what? I’m ok with it. It means my son grows up with a good role model and spends limited time getting brainwashed by a narcissist. In the long run, that fact is more important than any of the rest of it. My job as a mom is to protect my child and ensure that he is given the best start in life he possibly can. If I have to sacrifice some CS money in order to do that, then so be it.
My ex husband was like this. Custody was 1 day per week but he barely took him & when he did, I had to drive him to his new house about 1.5hrs each way, every time it was convenient for him. If I didn’t, my son would have never seen him.
My son wrestled, played baseball, & football all year long. Practice 5 days a week & one game or match on Saturdays & if wrestling, that included sundays. I sat on the board for each & worked full time & was in college full time. Very stressful to say the least. He never paid support either until he was arrested, then I’d get the back pay til he bonded out & then the cycle started all over.
My son loved his dad tho, so never once did I say a bad thing about him. I’d made excuses for his absence or him not showing up to get him when it was planned. It was heartbreaking. But I’d just say he was stuck at work & he was really sorry & he loved him.
My son is 22 now, but it happened when he was around 16. All the things I did for all those years he seen without me ever saying anything & he thanked me! lol at 16! I 100% cried bc I did everything for him with no help from his dad. Now, my ex will call my son asking to borrow money. My son makes more than I do & is responsible. I’m so thankful bc at 22 I was waking up still drunk in a ditch somewhere lmao. But he’s a great kid no thanks to his dad. So your kid will see it one day & hopefully have a heart to heart & it makes all the suffering, stress, & pain worth it to know that you were seen. My son never knew just how poor we were lol. I’m thankful for that. So good luck to you!
and just as an FYI, there's no such things as fun/disney parent (dad or mom) the parent without the daily interaction with kids have no clue what their kids are in to, like/dislikes, etc. kids end up 'alienated' from that parent and in general have no connection with that parent.
no amount of Disneyland or fun weekends can make up for the fact you don't know your kid.
“Non-custodial parent” is Latin for “fun parent.”
Not always.
So he pays nanny instead? I’m guessing it’s cheaper but you miss interacting with your kids.
More people need to choose being child free.
I have never seen a 50/50 shared physical custody thing work. Never. I do not believe in it under any circumstances, in fact.
Most of the people who insist on it are guys who want to say they're a "single parent" as a chick magnet, on top of the "no child support" thing. And then they go to boards like r/ParentalAlienation when the Big Hero Dad Comeback they make when the kids are teenagers doesn't work.
Single Dads are not chick magnets. We don’t have the time.
Thats their point to a degree. They pretend to be single dads but they arent actually if their custody/parenting roles are actually split 50/50
I am a single dad with 50/50 custody. I dont agree with your comment. In the other 50% of time where our kids live with our ex’s->where people are saying we get to live our lives….
I spend my other 50% going to dance competitions, soccer games, golfing with my son, wrestling, and traveling with them. It may be 50/50 custody but not all are 50/50 parents. We don’t just say Oh it’s Sunday, you’re going to your Mom’s, talk to you in 7 days. Like I said, no time to be chick magnets. I have found women are not drawn to this. What single woman wants to spend their Saturday’s in a gym or an auditorium?
I have. I had mad respect for it. The dad purchased a house in the same neighborhood, and the kids would go back and forth. All they did was go across the street. The parents even did birthdays together. Don't get me wrong. There was definitely this is only for the kids. There was no love lost between them. I recall once being at their dad's, and he had been on the phone with her, and when they hung up, he gave her the finger through the window. Not that she was able to see it. I had actually been surprised because I had admired the way they worked together.
As soon as the kids graduated high school and the dad remarried, he moved, but up until that point, they did a good job. My kiddo is one of their kiddos' best friends, and so we got to know both parents really well.
Isn’t that a bit contradictory? To say he only wanted 50/50 because it’d save him money and say he loves his kids?
Or is this the way ”every parent loves their child” while we know many parents abuse and beat their kids and even sell their kids for fuck to get drugs/money? Like it’s just so so bad, so out of the norm to say the obvious truth like ”This father does not care about his kids and only fights for 50/50 custody because of money. In reality he’d be happy to interact with his kids only every other weekend and probably even more seldom, but he knows the value of moral posing too. He very well knows he isn’t interested or capable of taking care of his kids every other week but he doesn’t care. He prefers his kids being neglected if it leaves him with more money.”.
He wants the perks of custody without the effort or the financial responsibility.
Or he wants to not owe child support.
I mean he probably also doesn't want to face the fact that he's a crappy parent. Only seeing your kid one weekend a month for no reason other than that you're lazy is being a crappy parent. If he has half custody then (in his eyes) he's an equal parent.
OP is calling his bluff and I am here for it!
This is why they are getting a divorce. He has no respect for her time or her efforts. If he doesn’t do something, she will pick up the slack. Guess what. Divorce means she isnt your wife anymore. Dude. She’s not your wife anymore. She isn’t going to do wife stuff. “Picking up the toddler is not wife stuff. It’s parent stuff.” Picking up the toddler because you can’t be bothered is wife stuff.
BINGO!!
I'll give him the benefit of assuming that he just hasn't figured out yet how to do this without mom doing the heavy lifting. And just like kids, he needs to experience the consequences of his actions/inaction to learn to make adjustments to his schedule.
The benefit is shared custody with quality co-parenting for the kid is best.
Sounds like some family separation counseling could help .
I have a family member going through a divorce. Stbx wants full custody, but still wants her to have the kids full time so "she can raise them." He'll just pop in and out when it works for him.
And he's shocked/pissed she isn't going for it lol.
My ex attempted to something similar. He wanted 50/50 on paper but for me to have our child full time while he saw her every other weekend. He didn't want to pay child support. Luckily his lawyer told him legally he cannot do that. If he wanted 50/50 he actually had to parent 50/50. He gets visitation every other weekend the legal way.
My husband’s ex suddenly decided he was abusive and should only have every other weekend after 2 years of unofficial (not in a legal document, but agreed to) 50/50 when she realized she would owe him child support.
She did the math and knew the line of the time split that would ensure she didn’t pay a dime—- and even dropped to quarter time for almost a year to cover all bases.
Sounds like “full custody” means control - controlling the decisions about the kids, controlling the mom…full reign to be a max AH.
Makes you wonder what led to the divorce. LOL
He's shocked that he's not the first dad to try to get out of child support this way.lol.
Mine sued me for full custody at the urging of his now ex-wife (number 2 ex outta three), thinking he’d get child support outta me since I out-earn him pretty significantly.
Five years and about $20K later on my end, guess who lost primary custody and has a foreclosure on his credit record?
Our kids are grown now and we’re actually in a much better place in terms of communication about our adult children. But man, was it ever sweet to win that battle, even to the tune of $20K.
What is it with people proposing a “heads I win tails you lose” scenario and being genuinely rankled when the other person says no? Do these guys genuinely think that everyone but them operates on cartoon robot levels of intelligence?
They get through their entire marriage behaving like that, so they think they can keep on doing it. The fact that that exact behaviour is probably one of the main reasons the marriage failed doesn’t readily occur to them.
Oh it's not even the dumbest thing he proposed lol. For a long time it was "Why do we have to get divorced? I'll give you money to watch the kids and come by whenever I can." as in, go out, have fun, sleep around while she was up to her eyes in diapers with a baby that had some mild/eventually fixable physical disabilities.
I don't want to post too much else but it's like a bad soap opera.
The only way I'd agree to that is if I have sole control of his income. "No, you'll direct deposit your money into an account only I have access to and you'll get just enough money to cover your bills. Otherwise, I'm still better off just getting a court to take child support from you."
That is just… bananas.
That sounds like a case for Judge Vonda B
This! OP don’t bail him out. My neighbor has been divorced three years and her POS ex still relies on her but doesn’t compromise for her and uses it to control her. If he can’t handle 50% custody then that’s his problem.
Exactly. Shared custody means shared responsibility, not just in name.
It’s wild how some people want 50/50 custody but put in like... 12% of the effort. You don’t get a gold star just for wanting to be a dad show up on time, man
It's like, you were a 0% dad when you actually lived with the kids; why do you care now?
To punish the wife for leaving him.
Exactly. It was foolish of him to think that OP would act like his partner during a trial separation.
He only wants custody to get out of child support
At least here in NL if u split custody 50/50 u don’t have to pay child support