My husband and I got married on Saturday! On Friday night, we planned a birthday party for my son and I told my friend(MOH) to make sure her husband does not bring any guns/large knives to my house.
A little backstory on that. Her husband is not the brightest crayon in the box and is extremely irresponsible when it comes to firearms, knives and explosives especially when there is alcohol involved. So Friday, her husband shows up to the house. She was already at the house because prior to that, we were setting up a wedding venue. She told him several times not to bring a firearm or large knife to the party. We live in a very chill area so there's no need to bring a firearm to a kid's birthday party.
Part way through the party, my friends friend who had accompanied the husband to my house, pulled me aside and said that my friend was upset and wanted to see me. I went and found her she was sitting by her car, and I went over and asked her what was wrong. She said that her husband was not paying any attention to her and hadn't been since he got home. She literally just wanted him to show her any kind of you love, attention or affection, even just a little bit. While I was talking to her, her other friend(the one who came with her husband to my house) walked over to me with the gun and said, "look what I found in my truck, your husband brought his gun when you told him not to"...
I looked at her and flat out told her he is uninvited to my wedding. I had a simple request for him not to bring a firearm to my house. And I didn't think that that was too crazy of a request and that I felt really disrespected. She started apologizing, and told me she understood.
Fast forward to the morning of my wedding. We were all getting ready and I asked her how it went telling her husband he wasn't invited? She told me that she didn't want to talk about it right now. I said, "okay, maybe later" and she said, "no. I don't think I can even talk about it later". So I knew it was bad. I went to facebook and try to look for her husband's profile, and I couldn't find it because I had been blocked. I found out from one of our other friends who came to the wedding to do my hair that her husband had blown up on her and was trying to make her not come to the wedding. She told him she made an obligation and she was going to be there regardless of what he thought. Her husband then said, "I guess I know where my loyalties lie" and that he wanted a divorce.
She has not spoken to me since. I tried to message her and got no response. Now I feel like I should have just sucked it up and been uncomfortable so that I could have kept my friend. Some of my other family/friends that were at the birthday party/wedding said that I am not the asshole and that I deserve to feel comfortable at my own wedding and not nervous about some idiot bringing a gun and drinking and doing something stupid.
So reddit am I the asshole?
NTA.Ā Your friend is being abused.Ā It's REALLY scary that a guy like this has lots of guns and knives and is "irresponsible" with them.Ā Wtf does that mean?Ā I'm worried your friend is going to end up dead.
I worry about her alot but she wont leave him š
You canāt save her. You can assist when sheās ready for help but if she chooses to stay with him and cut you off, thereās nothing you can do. Trying to force the issue will just drive her further away and less likely to even ask for help
But there's plenty she can do to help, if her friend doesn't cut her off, or if she allows/resumes contact or reaches out again at some point.
Especially, just remaining her friend, and remaining available for any connection (and help) possible, no matter what state her friend's relationship is in, is key.
So often ppl trying to help victims of domestic violence end up getting exasperated, depressed or impatient (when the victim doesn't/can't leave right away, or when she returns to their abuser), and cut off contact to increase pressure to leave, or just drift away because the helpless feeling is too hard.
Friends and family may not realize that while we can't force someone to get free, our steady, continued, non-judgy presence, and our acceptance, unwavering valuing of them, and our long-term, repeated advocacy for them getting safe can often make all the difference in motivating/supporting an escape, and in helping with emotional and logistical survival and healing afterward,
As can directly giving them Women's Center/Shelter numbers or driving them there for a consultation, etc.
So many women get trapped and give up after years of abandonment by support ppl, left deeply isolated, with no more social connection or engagement or witnesses that the way they're being treated is not ok, and no more loving voices reminding them of hope and of their own worth and importance.
Staying an abused woman's friend--and picking the friendship back up with grace and patience even after a period of silence from them (usually out of fear, sometimes after a return to their abuser) can be heartbreaking, but could also save a life, or make all the difference in post-relationship safety and recovery
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This is so beautiful. This is exactly what my best friend did for me, for over 20 years. I wasnāt ready and she did not push me away or judge. She stayed a constant positive in my life, sometimes the *only positive.
I had no idea I was in an abusive marriage for over 30 years. I couldnāt really accept how awful he is, how cruel, and that I did not deserve it. The more I learned about narcissistic abuse, the more convinced I became. Yes, I was married to an abusive man.
Now we are separated and divorce will happen. I can almost breathe.
YOU CAN DO THIS! Been there...good luck Girl <3
Itās highly likely her husband has control of her socials and is forcing her to ignore OP.
That said, reaching out to her through social media or by text, etc. could put her friend in danger if the husband sees it. Especially if itās support for her leaving him. If they have any mutual friends that still see her, itād be best for them to convey any messages from OP directly when the husband is not around.
And you can help with her funeral planning, like she helped your wedding planning.
Domestic violence ending in murder isn't something to joke about, you uncooked potato
I donāt think it was a joke. It was clearly from someone who knows how this ends, so often.
I have asked my son, when he continued to drink, what he wanted at his funeral. It did wake him up - a little. You have to repeat it a few times.
Donāt dismiss reality with insults.
The point about the realities of domestic violence have been made several times. This is too fucking dark and not what OP needs when she's already terrified for her friend.
NTA, OP. Don't let him make his bullshit your fault. It's not, at all. Here's hoping your friend takes this as the wakeup call she needs to get out.
I was going to say something similar, and I survived DV. I had guns put to my head and knives held to my throat, both WHILE holding my then infant daughter. I got out early. Most don't. It is just a simple fact that he is likely to kill her. Even if its an "accident".
It wasn't a joke. It was a sad observation.
You're right and that wasn't a joke. It was an honest statement about the inevitable outcome of the victim doesn't break the cycle And even then she may still be murdered.
Uncooked potato came out of left field and took me out šš
I didnāt take it as a joke, but as an absolutely brutal statement of possibility.
Well, good news is she doesn't have to since he's the one initiating the divorce. Send her one last message empathizing with her situation and reassure her that you'll always be there for her.
Don't message her until she reaches out. If she gets out safely, she won't feel like you won't feel like you turned your back her and will know she can trust/rely on you. Let her know you'll always have her back, but don't keep messaging her when she clearly doesn't want to talk to you.
This is vital when trying to help someone in an abusive situation, especially when the abuser is trying to isolate them. On average, it takes victims 7 attempts to escape. Offer your support, but don't breathe down her neck.
Him saying he wants a divorce is almost definitely an empty threat that he's using to manipulate her. It would be great if he did divorce her, but chances are slim it will actually happen.
I agree with everything else you've said.
I can't count the number of times my abusive ex wife said we should divorce... then was all shocked pikachu when she got the papers.
Abusers need an abusee ā¦ the threat of divorce is just part of the manipulation. And her husband has now separated her from the one friend who gave her strength. This is gonna get so much worse.
I used to feel relieved when my shitty ex said he wanted to break up. He never went through with it though. Took me a few years to get up the gumption to do it myself and it's the best thing I've ever done for myself
I agree completely!
My guess is he said that to ruin her day and will begin the love bombing shortly after.
What a way to start out your marriage - worrying about the safety of your friend. Keep your husband in the loop so he won't be surprised if things go south with that ammosexual.
Ammosexual is a good term
Who the fk is this asshole and where in the hell does he live that he needs to run around with guns and knives????
He doesn't need to
He wants to. It's part of his identity; he thinks it's fun. He likes the rush of power.
The most dangerous place of all: suburban America after youāve been fed a diet of non-stop nonsense from fascist news sites and YouTube channels.
For sure. You can tell by the way OP says their area is chill, like there are places where you need weapons to survive.
He doesnāt need one, itās SDE. (Small ____ energy.)
I'm a trans lady living in a lower income metro area in the US. If anyone would feel compelled to carry heat, I would likely be higher on the list. And even my -actually in danger- self only carries a little thing of pepper spray to help me get away if I need it.
Anyone who is preparing to end another's life just wants an excuse, and I feel bad for this lady, because the odds are circumstantially way higher that he'll find one.
So one thing I was taught by a martial instructor as a 19 year old: if someone tries to hurt you and they get in your bubble, stomp down and sort of inwards on their kneecaps as well. We training at a level where hitting someone could be considered deadly force, but breaking their kneecaps so they canāt follow you is very clearly self defence because you were ensuring your get away, not beating them up. It works. My one really scary experience out clubbing involved a guy trying to drag me down an alley near the taxi rank. Silly juggins put his hands on my shoulders to pull me and gave me extra leverage instead. Knee to groin and a foot to each knee cap and then I went and found the police afterwards. There was enough security footage at the taxi rank that it was thankfully very clearly self defence.
I mean, if I were hiking in grizzly/polar bear country, or Kandahar, Iād probably want to be carrying a gun.
Farmers having a gun makes sense too if they need to protect their livestock or crops from wild animals. Having seen what a fox did to my Dadās henhouse once, I get why farmers have guns and Iām Australian and vehemently anti gun in most situations.
I live in a bad part of a large California city and I donāt take a gun with me in public (I have one in a locked box)
The most dangerous place for him: somewhere that he isn't literally holding his partner hostage by threat of violence.
Yes. Intentionally bringing weapons with you is an act of violence.
In America, literally anywhere in America, cuz apparently we all need guns and knives at any time /s itās really frustrating and scary imo. Iām in Florida and know that many people , and many who I know (coworkers, acquaintances, some family) carry all the time.
Likely started around 2016. And now you have "Dick" DeSantis. They live by the sword, can only hope....
It is scary. I've tried to talk to people about this, why they feel the need. I worked in Manhattan (ooh, scary!) and rode the subway for decades. I go to Target all the time as a disabled woman on my own, I've traveled, on my own, through rural areas of Syria...and have never felt the need to carry a weapon. But these people are so indoctrinated that the world is scary they carry guns, just in case. I even argued with a woman about how baby wearing moms probably shouldn't carry guns, but nope, apparently they need guns more. I was raised by a cop and former Recon Marine who did tend to bring his weapon everywhere, but he was very highly trained...which none of these people are. And he was the one who taught me not to carry (unless I was just as trained.)
Iāve also lived in NYC, and in other large cities, and studied abroad in Europe. At no time did I feel unsafe. I feel more unsafe currently- just living my life in Florida- knowing how many people are carrying and not trusting most of them. Scary times, friend. And how cool that youāve done all of that?! Bad ass
This is one of the big reasons I don't live in those parts of the US that it is acceptable to open carry firearms. Accidents can and do happen. Also want to know that if I do see someone with a firearm, they are probably not one of the "good guys with a gun".
I also do recognize that there are places and times where it is appropriate to have firearms because of the actual animal wildlife. A child's birthday party or wedding isn't one of those places.
Sounds like Texas.
I quite literally have a drug dealer who is posted in front of my apartment building in Minneapolis.Ā
I don't have a gun.
Grew up in Detroit. Never had a gun.
Small d energy.
She's an adult who has made her choice. Itās hard to let go of someone when you see theyāre on such a destructive path, but better to be absent than part of the fray.
This part.Ā
You can't help someone who don't want it.Ā
I am shocked the friendship lasted this long and OP didn't speak up on her friend building a life with that dangerous dunce.Ā
She won't leave him, or she can't leave him and live to tell the tale?
Thatās exactly what I was thinking!
I grew up with guns .Had a rifle at age 8. This guy is the sort that gives responsible gun owners a bad name . You are NTAH OP.He is by a mile.
Same. My grandpa used to own a gun store so my dad made sure to drill gun safety into us.
Grandpa gave me a Mosin Nagant when I was in jr high for getting my grades up. I'd still have it if my bitch brother didn't pawn it without my knowledge or consent, though. I hate his fucking guts.
You just need to be there for her. This could be the light at the end of the tunnel. Obviously sheās going through a lot right now but you should try to have a conversation with her at some point
If you haven't heard from her and no one has seen her in a while, I would call the police and ask them to do a wellness check.Ā
Does he hold these guns legally?
The best you can do is not turn your back on her or get angry. She didn't block you. Her husband did by telling her he would leave if she ever spoke with you again or he could have threatened her with violence. He probably already punished her for going to the wedding.
All she needs to know is when and if she ever wants to leave, you will always be there to help.
Again, don't get angry at her bc it's the last thing she can handle. He is isolating her right now, and she's scared. Find a way to let her know that you are always there whenever she needs you and that you understand. Just leave it there bc she knows one thing for sure.
She has a safety net if she ever decides to leave.
You failed to mention he is also āirresponsibleā with explosives!
This isn't just a red flag, it's a full-blown siren. "Irresponsible with guns and knives" isn't something you casually mention like a bad habit. That's how people end up on the news. If no one steps in, this could end exactly the way you're afraid it will.
and explosives.
EXPLOSIVES.
I fully support RESPONSIBLE gun ownership. This is not it, OP. I agree with Lady Agatha, Iām definitely worried about the situation your friend is in. This definitely screams abusive relationship and abusive / unhinged person to me.
I am a gun person, But This guy is an idiot, and dangerous. I hope she gets away ok.
THIS THIS THIS^
NTA donāt bring a weapon to my house or wedding is a pretty low bar. Although Iām sorry for your friend and what happened.Ā
Yeah, āplease donāt show up strapped to my weddingā isnāt exactly a wild request. Friend needs to chill.
Itās not the friend, itās the husband isolating her and monitoring her phone
But he hAs a LiCeNsE fOr cONcEaLeD cArRy
Nah. If he had one he would know not to bring it into a private residence or private venue without the hosts permission.
Some states you don't even need a license.
Yes thatās true. Also even the ones that doā¦ is there a test you have to pass? Or is it just a criminal record check?
The bar was in hell and he still couldn't reach itĀ
NTA - And he has the gall to say "I guess I know where my loyalties lie"??? He brought a gun to a CHILD'S birthday party - after being specifically told to not do that. He values his guns over his wife, your friendship with her, your child's safety. You did the right thing.
Well, you never know when Timmy Junior is going to pull out his pop gun and bust a cap in someone's dome /s
NTA. You get to set the rules for your wedding, and certainly "No Guns," can be on that list. The venue probably has it's own rules about guns, but anyone who doesn't want to follow that fairly simple boundary is not someone you want at your wedding.
Sometimes I just feel happy I donāt live in the US.
A gun to a kidās party, it just blows my mind.
NTA.
Your friend is in danger. A guy like that with tons of weapons and no control? Thatās terrifying. Iād be seriously worried for her safety
NTA. You set a boundary, it was crossed, so you proceeded with a consequence; pretty standard for boundary setting.
Then her husband decided to ask for a divorce. That is not your fault.
His reaction is not your responsibility. Full stop.
He blew up at his wife and threated divorce because she went to your wedding without him after he was uninvited for acting like an disrespectful, reckless idiot?!
He brought a GUN to a KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY. After SPECIFICALLY being told not to. If he brought it there, why WOULDN'T he bring it to your wedding? Of COURSE you uninvited him!
Kinda weird your MOH is not speaking with you, seemingly just so she can try to "win" back her irresponsible man-child of a husband. But that's on her. NTA.
No, heās isolating her and monitoring her phone
Fuck. That's likely true.
Not weird. Husband has probably made her āproveā sheās loyal to him by blocking OPās phone number, and has probably had her block OP on social media as well. Itās a well known tactic of abusers - isolate your victim from everyone so that when they get the courage to leave they have no one to run to, so end up staying. It gets worse if they have kids, because then it can become āyou can leave but youāre not taking the kids.ā
Add the fact that OP has said this guy isnāt too bright, and does not follow the most basics of gun safety makes it even worse.
OP, all you can do is be willing to at the very least talk to her if she decides to break free of him. Realize that itās more than likely her trying to save her marriage (which she shouldnāt, but thatās another story) than ānot talking to you.ā Sheās being abused at the very least verbally (I know where your loyalties lie) and emotionally (the withholding of affection), if not already physically behind closed doors. She might not yet see it as abuse if it hasnāt reached the physical part, and excuses it with āitās just how he is.ā
A lot of the people in the comments, me included, think MOH is in an abusive relationship with the irresponsible man-child of a husband. So unfortunately...it makes a lot of sense that MOH is not speaking to OP in order to win him back.
It's ass-backwards, but MOH knows that OP's love is unconditional compared to the asshole husband's conditional love, so MOH would rather risk OP's friendship over her marriage.
Nta. Itās a reasonable request not bring weapons to a kids birthday party or even wedding. This isnāt a storyline to supernatural.
NTA. You set a clear, reasonable boundary and he broke it, at a kidās party, no less. If that ended the friendship, thatās on them, not you.
Just be there to help her get away from him. He is awful. Message her that. None of what you said was too much to ask. Hopefully one day when sheās an away and safe, she will thank you.
NTA i understand they might have kids and that would complicated things but it just seems to me that you did her a favour.
So NTA. Your friend's husband is a total POS and I really hope he divorces her so the trash can take itself out. Poor girl needs to get out of there.
NTA. I have a feeling your friend's husband is an abuser.
NTA.
For all the reasons everyone else has stated.
Also. Really hope your friend DOES get Divorced. If so then good can only come of it.
He doesn't appear to be the type of person someone should be married to if they want to be happy.
Ok wait this wasnāt the husbands truck correct? He brought the gun and left in someone else truck?
Correct
Yeah he is abusive idiot and hopefully your friend will see the light before she is 6 feet under. I would be happy the truck owner brought the gun to your attention before the idiot had it out around the kids. Iām a gun owner and I carry but I do it responsibly.
NTA
People could go back and forth about the gun being in the truck, that is not the big issue here. The focus should be on his reaction to his wife! That is scary.
Just in case you need to hear this: this was not your fault. Sure, you could have just ignored it, let him come to the wedding anyway. This argument between your friend and her husband was going to happen sooner or later.
I hope your friend gets through this and leaves this guy.
That other friend really does like causing drama.
There is a nonzero chance she's going to be murdered by her husband a sacrifice on the altar of men's rights and the 2nd amendment.
I worry about that alot... He is not right in the head
Your friend is in a toxic relationship but she's also toxic herself.
Why is she out crying in a vehicle AT A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY - because her husband "won't give her attention?"
And sending in a messenger to tell you to come away from your child's party to deal with HER emotions? WTF juvenile high school BS is that?
Frankly, I hope he divorces her and she gets therapy.
He's an abusive ah but she's there for all of it.
NTA
I noticed that no ages were mentioned in the post
Should have sucked it up and been cool with him bringing deadly weapons to a kid's birthday party? Fuck no. Grow a spine.
Wasnāt the gun in the truck? Why would the woman bring the gun out?
NTA and it sounds like your friend needs help fleeing an abusive relationship. All you can do is let her know you're here and ready to help her when she's ready to escape.
B-b-b-but my CONSTITUTION!!!
The same people who 'need' to be armed hardly ever respect property rights or the wishes of landowners. You didn't want a gun at your place. That's your right. Dude has little dick syndrome.
Your friend needs help. I wish her luck.
NTA
Okay. I havenāt read the whole post yet, but in what area of the world do you think it IS a āneedā to bring weapons to a CHILDāS BIRTHDAY PARTY?!
NTA for not wanting a drunk Yosemite Sam at your house or wedding!
NTA,
I carry damn near everywhere I go. My wifeās cousin cut his guns up on his (now ex wifeās) demand about guns.
We got into the gun debate around the fire, it started talking about knives and why my knife was on my left hip (because my gun is on my right). (I carry a knife, usually 2, as a tool everywhere I go, waking up to sleep).
She asked if I had brought a gun to her house, nope, I know your opinion and I respect it. Full civil conversation. I would either respect the wishes or would t show up with the reason.
Especially with alcohol. That dude sounds like a prick that should t have a gun.
NTA
I'm a Marine veteran, I love guns. I love going to the range or to the middle of nowhere shoot targets.
Unfortunately, so many people that share that love of mine are absolute fucking morons. Like fully 50% of people that have guns shouldn't be allowed near them they're so stupid.
I've seen people smuggle guns into bars and then get shit faced. I've seen people openly carry in bars and then flash a fake badge when someone questions it.
I've seen people flag an entire row of shooters at the range. I've seen people drop their loaded weapon multiple times. I've seen people accidently fire their weapon because they were just holding it with their finger on the trigger.
Everyone has 100% the right to remove someone from their lives if said person is an irresponsible gun owner. Those people are flat out dangerous.
I'm a gun owner.Ā I don't feel the need to being weapons to kids parties.Ā Even if it's just concealed carry, if the person who's home it is doesn't want people carrying guns, it stays home.Ā You are not overreacting.Ā You need to keep yourself and your family safe.Ā This guy sounds like a lunatic.Ā He does not sound responsible enough to have guns IMHO.
the script for you and all of her friends is to tell her she deserves to be treated better every time she complains about him, and ONLY then. Abusers tear down, and attacking him helps him because it is attacking her (flawed) judgement. Build her up, she will eventually believe she deserves better.
You are not the asshole. He is the asshole. She is being abused.
You had a birthday party the night before your wedding?
Ok, this might be an american thing but... if he brought a gun in his car, does that technically count as 'he brought a gun into your house'?
Cause I feel like if I had told someone not to bring X into my house, and they just kept X in their car, I would assume that they've fulfilled their obligation.
Am I missing something?
NTA, though I think you may be jumping the gun (no pun intended) by assuming your friendship is over. Assuming the husband carries through with his threat of divorce, your friend's life just imploded. She may very well just need time to figure things out for herself. Give her some time.
NTA. Your friend is in an abusive relationship and needs your support. You should not even have to worry about this at a kids' party or at your wedding. She knows you're right, nobody is mad at you - she's in an abusive relationship and if she's not going to leave she might end up not speaking to you anymore because he refuses to allow it. I feel for her, but he was in the wrong and you HAD to uninvite him. What I wish you could do is also get HER away from him but that has to be her decision. I would let her know she has your support if she wants to leave him.
NTA - That marriage was headed for divorce. You weren't the cause, your request just helped speed up the process a little bit faster. Maybe when said friend has some time and distance from this situation she will see that.
NTA. Frankly if they get divorced she will be better off. He sounds unsafe. Also, people who are careless with firearms are criminals.
NTA. If your friendās marriage was on this thin of ice then this was just the final straw. It doesnāt sound like a good or respectful relationship anyways
Stay available to her, so she knows you will help her when she needs it
You need to get rid of that little baby snitch of a friend. ššš
Sheās married to an unhinged lunatic who āis extremely irresponsible when it comes to firearms, knives and explosives especially when there is alcohol involvedā (explosives?? Alcohol??! The fuck???!) and follows directions / tantrums like heās 3.
You are NTA. She is for choosing that POS to breed with and he is for obvious reasons. Heās disrespectful and cosplays with loaded guns and explosives at childrenās birthday parties while being what sounds like a dangerous drunk waving guns around. He IS going to hurt someone some day, be glad it wasnāt your events. This time.
Nta and your friend is a great friend for backing you up. Just be ready to be there for her and periodically check in. She's going to need you if/hopefully WHEN this divorce goes through.
Feel like I can tell exactly what kind of person he is based on the very little info you provided about him...
Yeah this isn't even about a wedding
Wow. This is a variation on the usual AI plot. Congrats on plugging in some different elements.
NTA. You made a simple request and he disrespected you, your family, and his family. We need to stop sucking up to assholes and catering to these giant man babies and make them feel shame for their bullshit.
NTA honestly it sounds like divorce is the best thing that could happen to her at this point.
Who brings a weapon to a kids party!
NTA. irresponsible gun owners are the reason why you see news stories about children being shot by accident, sometimes by other children. Bringing weapons to a child's bday is ridiculous. Not keeping his gun secure at all times makes him a huge danger to everyone.
You should not allow him in your home or around your family ever again.
Why on earth would any sane person think it is OK to even bring a firearm, knife or other piece of ridiculousness to a kid's party, a wedding or anywhere else for that matter?? NTA.
Why would anyone feel the need to bring any sort of weapon to a childrenās birthday party. If your on a rescue mission in another country sure take a weapon. But to a childrenās birthday party. Are people that insecure they need a weapon to hang out with a bunch of kids. NTA
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Yeah but if other friend could get at the firearm, means it wasn't secured properly in the truck anyways. Any kid could have gotten it.
I think her other friend did it on purpose if we are being honest...
We were getting the venue ready on Friday for our wedding on Saturday. We only had the venue Friday Saturday Sunday.
Yes, her other friend set you up. Did you not recognize that? He didn't bring the gun "to the party," he left it in the truck.
Which is also really dumb. Why can't your friends leave their homes without a gun? What kind of place do you live? Seriously, I live in a major American City and for 60 years have never needed a gun. Not once.
You literally just said her friend did this on purpose. Youāre mad at the wrong person, I assume because you donāt like her husband
He DID NOT bring the weapon anywhere NEAR your house or child. He left it in a vehicle. I bet you it was even locked, and the owner of the truck unlocked the car and brought it out - and youāre not mad at him for bringing it in your house?
You just needed an excuse to get pissed off at your friends husband. He had listened to your boundary of no guns in your home or near children, your friend did not listen, and was the one who brought in the weapon.
Leaving a gun in a vehicle is not unsafe or illegal, he was being respectful. You are an asshole to your girl friend for uninviting her husband when he wasnāt the one who disrespected you in the moment. At least be honest with her that you donāt like him so you donāt want him around, but be honest about it instead of using this as an excuse when he wasnāt the one who did wrong
Left an unsecured gun in an unlocked vehicle. Another "responsible" gun owner.
NTA nope. She married that dumbass dangerous man and she showed up for you. But now the wedding is over and reality is back and sheās home dealing with a divorce or reconciliation and youāll have to make a decision or one has already been made about your friendship.
Ehā¦
Iām going to get downvoted probably, but the husband DID NOT bring a gun onto your home! He had LEFT IT in the vehicle, which is perfectly reasonable
The āfriendā who pulled it out and brought it to you at your house! and brought it to your attention and you got pissed off. The friend who brought it out of the vehicle instigated and caused trouble by ātattlingā. You were likely emotionally amped up too because your friend was complaining heās a shit husband and wanted attention
He did not bring the gun into your home or around the children, the āfriendā did by bringing it inside.
Edit to add because of above: yes YTA
YTA.
The gun was outside, in a vehicle, and not at the party. I get that you're not comfortable around him when he's armed with a gun and/or a knife. But he wasn't armed.
Your other friend brought the gun over to you, so, your other friend is the one who removed the gun from the vehicle and brought it closer to the party. That friend was stirring the pot, and you fell for it.
Your ex-friend (Gun Guy's wife) is facing a very difficult situation, and everyone involved missed the fact that she needs support, because her husband has issues that are over her head and she's drowning.
You suck, 2(?) of your friends suck, and no one is there for the friend who truly needs your support.
Y'all need to reevaluate your friendships, because none of you are there for each other, you all sound toxic, and at least two "friends" are disrespectful.
This reads like Mean Girls or a soap opera episode.
Best of luck getting your real friend back.
Obviously an AI post LOL
Your friend should take up her husband's offer
Fake anti gun post
āWhile I was talking to her, her other friend(the one who came with her husband to my house) walked over to me with the gun and said, "look what I found in my truck, your husband brought his gun when you told him not to"...ā
I feel like everyone is just skipping over this. Iāve seen so many people saying that the guy had it in his truck and that it wasnāt that seriousā¦but he had it in someone elseās vehicle. Which is also not safe and the person owning the vehicle could have gotten in trouble for not knowing it was in there in the first place.
sounds like you saved your friend from a psycho nta
It sounds like he treated her like shit regardless and shes better off without him. Did she forget she was just crying over him the night before because he was being an asshole to her?
NTA You did the absolute right thing. I am sure he is threatening her with divorce and not allowing her to see you. You really need to check on her. Iād be worried about what he did when she got home.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. Safety should always come first, especially around kids.
Communicating your ārulesā/ expectations to the potential offender would be more appropriate. The messenger always gets the brunt of bearing the message.
The friend, in this case, knows her husband got an alcohol problem/ impulse control. If he drinks and itās not uncommon for him to dangerously act a fool flashing around weapons, he has a problem.
If heās thisā¦ itās hard to find an appropriate term for thatās not rude.
I give up; disturbingly immature and downright aggressively stupid is just stating facts. This is a, hold my beer, lemme do something asinine and wind up blowing up neighborās car or āIām not a bad person, I was just showing off my quick-draw. swear I thought it was unloaded, I didnāt know one was already chamber .ā (while paramedics are working on 19yo Door Dasher riding by at the wrong time. (based on situation described)
You canāt fix stupidā¦. āIf youāre gonna be stupid, you better be toughāā heās a danger, the tragedy just hasnāt happened yet. The only person he appears toātoughā with, is partner, who heās now isolating.
NTA. You might have actually done her a favor but she doesnāt know it yet.
NTA
Being that irresponsible with firearms is enough reason to not invite him.
Leaving the firearm in the car could be following your request HOWEVER
Leaving a firearm unsecured in a vehicle to the point the friend could get it is gross negligence and absolutely unacceptable.
(For reference I know several people who conceal carry, and when going to a building which prohibits guns, will put it in their glove compartment or trunk and lock their car)
Kids can be such a handful. Better come armed.
We found the A-hole
I'm wondering if everyone in this story are blood relatives.
NTA. At this point the safest thing you can do for her is find a way to convince her that this divorce is indeed a good idea.
I donāt have guns, although Iāve gone through training, and masse my kids go through too. but it seems like her husband did not bring one, he left it in the vehicle and someone else brought it into the house. Much could be said about that, did he lock it in the trunk, vehicle or glove box or just left it accessible. Sounds like that friend was just stirring shit and his wife had to deal with all yāallās crap. ESH.
Nta, he sounds abusive, I worry for your friend.
Sheez. Definitely NTA. She has a marriage problem, not a friend problem. Even if he was a responsible gun owner, why tf would he bring weapons to a child's birthday party? He's the asshole!
You lost me at āI had to tell my friend to tell her husband not to bring gunsā¦..ā
You playing high risk games girl š
Him giving her a divorce is a gift at that point.
NTA. If him not bringing a gun to a birthday party and her attending the wedding without him are big enough to cause a divorce ending fight, then clearly there were already bigger issues in their marriage
Youch! That's awful.
NTA but you need to get your girlfriend out of there. He's abusive and has access to WAY too many handy weapons.
NTA, I'm so sorry.
This is not remotely your fault, but I understand why it feels that way. But there is a big difference between cause and effect and responsibility. You had no idea that uninviting this man would cause her so much trouble. You had no clue he was potentially abusive, and you definitely didn't know that she'd be upset with you for asking.
It's the difference between throwing gasoline on a house and lighting it up and plugging in a faulty AC that ends up burning the house down.
This guy is a POS butā¦ iām not actually sure. I think that heās wrong. Look, on a technicality ā it was in the truck and not in your actual house (according to my understanding). I donāt think we have the right to police what items people have in private vehicles that we are not in / do not own. Now whoever owned that vehicle or was riding with him, can be mad. But I donāt think that leaving a weapon in a vehicle parked outside qualifies as bringing it to the house. Unless Iām misunderstanding where this weapon was.
Again tho ā he is a POS and you have a friend with way bigger problems than that he canāt follow simple instructions.
NTA. I live in an area where the majority of people own firearms. And we have our share of 2A advocates that carry all the time to prove they can, and to normalize carrying a handgun. It is normal here to have boundaries about no guns in house. And at parties some asshole will bitch and get pissy. And everyone else goes off on them. They would be on your side. Bringing a gun to a kidās birthday party is so far over the line, I canāt imagine that happening around here. But about 1/4 of the cars might have a gun in them.
NTA. Your friend is in deeply disturbing situation it sounds like.
NTA
That guy is not a safe person to be around. It's extremely likely that your friend is in an abusive relationship.
NTA Your friend needs some time. Either she will stay with her scary husband and he'll demand that she not talk to you for a while and she'll go along with it to "save her marriage" even though it won't save anything, it will just be her acquiescing to his insanity OR the divorce will happen and they'll both act like the marriage ending was all your fault even though it's not in any way your fault, it's just easier to blame this one instance being the whole problem instead of looking at how the behaviors between them built up to this. Either way, after some time, she might just show up like nothing ever happened.
Sounds like divorce is the best case scenario for your friend.
NTA. It sounds like your friend's life is actually going to improve he wants to divorce her. I mean the fact that not only he brings weapons (including EXPLOSIVES) everywhere but brought it to a kid's birthday party when he was SPECIFICALLY told not to is nuts. He sounds nuts and the farther she gets away from the guy before he does something REAL dumb with all that stuff, the safer she'll be.
The idea of being an adult and youāre known as āthe guy we have to specifically tell not carry at a kids birthday partyā is SO fucking cringe, even setting aside the considerable danger and irresponsibility. What, in case the childrenās party happens to have likeā¦a dangerous drunk asshole with a gun at it? Real cool, John Wick
NAH. I am surprised that I am defending her husband on one issue, but it sounds like he didn't bring the gun in to the party. I presume that he has the legal right to carry the gun (permits, etc), and choosing to leave it in the truck (hopefully secured) actually showed that he DID respect your directive not to bring it to your house. I find it odd that you had to specify that he also couldn't bring large knives, but that's a separate issue.
I think that if you didn't want him at your wedding, YOU needed to tell him that. You definitely had the right to univnite him, but you put your friend in a very uncomfortable position by making her tell him the night before.
It sounds like you know that he isn't a good person for her to be in a relationship with ... but unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about that. Continue to be open to supporting her.
As a 70 yrs old women i will have a gun in my vehicle when ever we go out. I've had a gun around me since i we 12. I also lock it in a small gun safe in the car when I donāt carry i to someplace's.
Yes I have a CCW permit but if someone requested my not to bring it to a party I'm not going to bring it. But I will lock it in me car.
But the fact that this other women went to all the trouble to go to this guy truck and look of the gun is insane. What was her reason to not only go do that but to bring it over to you?
I think this is the friend who should be uninvited to your wedding. Seriously this friend is a problem.
As someone who owns and carries firearms, guys like this piss me off to no end. If someone says "don't bring a gun to my home/event" it's real simple, you don't. And who the hell leaves their gun where someone can just grab it? In someone else's vehicle to boot!
NTA.
Keep your friend safe. Sheās lucky to get out that easily.
NTA, but like you said, he's not the sharpest. Was he aware that leaving a gun in the car still qualifies as bringing it? Seems like the kind of thing you might have to specify with this one.
Him sneaking a weapon in a fellow friends car is crazy like imagine finding the kids finding it ion blame you
NTA your friend is in an abusive marriage and a dangerous one at that. Has anyone seen or spoken to your friend since the wedding? Preferably seen in person. If not someone needs to check on her ASAP. An irresponsible person with weapons is an incredibly dangerous person.
I did end up getting a message for her tonight. She is ok.
OP PLEASE Don't give up!
NTA, duh. Tbh if she doesnāt respond I would call in a wellness check. Heās a danger to her and I would also watch your back, too, he sounds dangerous overall.
NTA, please support your friend in the coming divorce she clearly needs for her own wellbeing.
NTA. I own firearms and I would NEVER do this. We're going to be reading about this guy in the news and the article will include the phrase "thoughts and prayers"
Im sorry you said he did what?!
W T , NTA
I love that I live in a country where this wouldn't even be a topic of conversation or something I should generally be scared off
Please do not bring a GUN to my child's birthday party is a bar that is so low it's literally in HELL. And bro could not oblige.
Your friend is (hopefully) going to be safe now and (hopefully) he carries through on his threat to divorce and then he leaves her alone forever and she can live a happy (gun-free) life without the Mad Gun Bringer of the West.
NTA. In no way are you in the wrong. Your friend is in an abusive and toxic relationship, however, there is nothing you can do. She has to save herself and wants to be out of this, and she isn't there yet.
Good luck and congratulations on the wedding
NTA
He will kill her and/or others with one of those firearms one day. All you can do is remove that threat from your vicinity.
Nta and frankly she should divorce him before he either gets her killed or arrested due to his negligence and deliberate awful choices. It was clearly all about control with him and needing a weapon to feel like a big man and soothe his fragile ego and he would NOT be told what to do especially I suspect by a woman. You did absolutely nothing wrong at all. You literally did nothing but stand your ground in the interest of safety. Stand your ground now as well, be there for your friend if she lets/needs you to be and god luck op. UpdateMe!
You should've called the police "there's a drunk guy with a gun at my child's birthday party"
Her husband in an abusive piece of shit. There's nothing you can do if she won't leave him. My late aunt had a very abusive and controlling husband. He beat her, controlled everything she did until the day she died. She never left him. Many of the family hadn't seen her for years so I invited her to my wedding, with her name only on the invitation. She politely declined and I found out later that he threatened to turn up and trash my wedding if she went. His own kids haven't had anything to do with him for years and blame him for her death.
Holy shit an AITAH from an account with an actual post history? Insane!
You're obviously NTA. I know it sucks and you feel responsible for "putting the couple against each other" or something but your friend's husband (hopefully soon-to-be-ex) is a moron and it sounds like he would engineer whatever excuse he could to put her down and make her feel guilty for his indiscretions.
As you say in your other post, this guy is not safe to be around children and should not be in a relationship if he acts like this and cannot follow simple directions. Your friend has some blame in the sense of covering for him and not listening to good sense, but I'm sure we're all aware how difficult it can be to have appropriate critical distance when you're in that situation and the controlling or manipulative behavior has become normal.
I know you said heās irresponsible with firearms but even an idiot should know that if you are going to be drinking you shouldnāt have a gun with you nothing positive can happen.
I'd be reporting to police every instance of his dumbass behaviour around knives and guns. Your friend is much better off without this guy who feels entitled to take firearms to a kid's birthday. Gun is not your personality unless you're a massive douche bag. NTA
It is so strange to me that this is normal in the usa. I just dont know why americans, who literally havrthe piwer to destroy humanity in an hour or two, liv3 in such utter terror all the time.
If anyone ever brought a gun to my house they woild never be welcome anywhere around me ever again.
NTA
If the firearm was locked up in the vehicle, in a Console Vault...that would be one thing
The fact a firearm was unsecured, in a vehicle, that could be accessed by any of the kids at the party, is more than enough reason to not want this person anywhere near you or your family
Question: so the husbandās friend got the gun out of the vehicle just to tell his wife he brought it? If he left it in the vehicle whatās the big deal. I have lots of friends who always have a gun in the car regardless for safety purposes. If he did not have it on his person in your house then you are an AH. No wonder your friend quit talking to you.
"Now I feel like I should have just sucked it up"
nono you had it right , gun and kids birthday party dont belong together, when the other gal could just grab it to show you, dont you think a kid could have done the same?
That part doesn't sit right/well with me...
What, was it just laying on the seat?
If not, then how did the other friend get/find it?
Sounds like he left it unlocked. A kid could have grabbed it and killed themselves or someone else. Op was absolutely in the right, especially with how the bastard is abusing his wife over this.
^ Absolutely agree with this part.
It's this part I'm struggling with, and I wish OP would provide additional explanation on:
So, if the truck was unlocked... where was the gun actually located?
The way that part of the story is written in the OP, it sounds like either:
If it was b, the rando/friend should go through the academy and get a job as a detective somewhere!
I had to read this a few times, the person who found the gun came with the friends husband. Most likely scenario, at least where I am from, is dude put it in the glove box or console and the "friend" decided to stir the pot.
Putting your gun in the console/glove box is fairly normal when you are entering someplace you can't carry.
Actually (I'm so sorry to be the "actually guy", but...)
OP's MOH's husband, who we will henceforth refer to as Asshole, arrived to the party with a friend (we'll call them Taylor), in Taylor's truck.
Unless OP has clarified in the comments, we don't know where Asshole left the gun in Taylor's truck.
From the post, Taylor knew MOH had told Asshole not to bring the gun. We don't know how Taylor knew Asshole was told not to bring it; but if Asshole told them, then Taylor probably knew about the presence of the gun in their truck.
We also don't know whether Asshole asked Taylor if they could leave the gun in Taylor's truck, or if Taylor was the one to tell them to leave it in the truck.
It is possible that Taylor was trying to stir shit, but it could have just been that Taylor didn't want Asshole's gun in their truck.
The following is pure speculation on my part, but I'm guessing Taylor is aware that MOH is in an abusive relationship, so by saying "Asshole brought a gun to the party even though you told him not to"; they were really saying, "You know this guy is a giant red flag, right?"
This implies that the FoaF (Taylor) got a ride with The Husband in husband's truck.
100%... gotta love how AI struggles to maintain consistent possessive nouns.
Based on that added information
Does "oh shit I totally forgot I wasn't supposed to bring this with me, I just have it on me because I always have it on me. Can I leave it in your truck dude, don't want to bring it into the house given I've been asked not to"
Followed by Taylor.
"Yeah dude of course" waits an amount of time "hey everyone, look what he left in my truck and didn't bring into the house?"
Like obviously this husband is an asshole based in everything we've been told.
But leaving a firearm in a vehicle outside is not the same as bringing it into the building, which was the request.
My father in law and brother in law both know they can't bring guns into my home, both leave them in their car, I don't see that as violating the rule about not bringing them into my home.
Unfortunately this is also how I read it. I'm in CA now but I used to live in TX with a ccw. My guns stayed in my vehicle secured in a quick release lockbox when I was at my friend's house who had like 6 toddlers. Dude had his own security, I never needed to carry in his home. (For additional unnecessary context this dude had the money to have his below ground pool refilled only at parties with adults/grown children who could definitely swim and otherwise had it drained because he couldn't bear the thought of one of his million kids drowning).
I too want to know more of the story. He sounds like an absolute asshole, but I also am willing to cut a little slack if the gun was secured in a locked truck and not spoken of. How did it come to be known heās brought it? (Iām in rural Georgia, and Iād bet every truck at every kidsā party has a firearm in it, but none of the owners would be considered āirresponsibleā unless the person saying it has an outsiderās opinion.)
That friend is the same one that brought the husband in their truck. I think the husband hid the gun when he got picked up and then tried to hide is in the car and maybe did stupidly leave it on the seat when he got out. I have a feeling he probably put it in the door and the driver went back to the car to get something, and saw it.
OP - Sorry that this series of unfortunate events led to you and your friend not speaking atm but you are definitely NTA bc your ask was one out of logic and rationale - the same way that friend was able to find the gun is the same way a little kid or someone who meant harm, could have found the gun and caused a calamity.
It's obvious that your friend's husband was concealing the weapon bc the other friend "found" the gun after already telling you that your MOH was outside and upset. Had that friend known about the firearm, they would have told you earlier. They obviously stumbled upon it in their truck bc he snuck it aboard, likely on his person, and then hid it in the truck (not very well, might I add) to be found by someone else.
From the way it sounds, this divorce might save your friend from future heartache bc her husband seems to be a shite human. She may be hurting right now but the way she responded to you and still showed up, knowing what it meant in her own relationship, means that she values your friendship a lot more than that ape she married. She'll come around. She will need some time to deal with what she has going on under her own roof but I don't think you've loss a friend, unless she stays with him, which I hope to God she does not.
The truck belonged to the friend. The friend drove the Maid of honor's husband to the birthday party. Don't know where in the truck the gun was.