I (16f) lost my dad when I was 5, on the first day of kindergarten actually. He was in an accident on his way to pick me up. For a few years after that it was just me and mom and I'd say she did pretty okay with helping me after dad died. There were times where she felt a bit distant and she told me at one point she felt really lonely. But I wouldn't say she had been a bad mom. I know she was grieving too.
I was 10 when my mom remarried. Her husband had a 2 year old daughter and at the time he had primary custody of her that became sole custody about 18 months after that. Once her mom lost all visitation and access to her my mom decided she needed to step up and make sure she had a mom and wasn't a motherless child the rest of her life. But with this effort to make sure her stepdaughter had a mom, she pushed me aside and ignored me.
She was always with her stepdaughter and was always fussing over her and babying her and making sure she got her 24/7 attention. Nothing was too much for her in my mom's eyes and it came at my expense a lot. My mom didn't show up to meetings my school tried to schedule, she did nothing for any of my birthdays, we no longer had time alone where we could do stuff together and if me and her stepdaughter had conflicting commitments then mom always went to hers no matter what and at times made me miss commitments I had because she wasn't going to pull time from her stepdaughter to take me to mine or help me find a way there with someone else.
The best example of this is her stepdaughter's in ballet and I'm in art classes. We had an exhibit and three of my drawings were being shown while her stepdaughter had a recital. My mom chose the recital and didn't even find a way to get me to the exhibit and I was punished for not showing up and my art was passed over the next time and my art teacher was so mad that I switched to different classes that are basically just draw and paint and leave. There's no real aim for them.
My mom's husband spends time with his daughter twice a week and mom and I could have up to 10 hours between those two days where we could hang out. But she won't. I have asked her and she told me it would make her stepdaughter feel jealous and insecure and she doesn't want her to feel like she favors me.
About three years ago I asked mom for help with a school issue and she asked me why I didn't ask my dad. I got so mad at her that I stormed off because either she forgot dad's dead or she meant her husband which is even worse honestly.
I talk to my grandparents, my aunt and my uncle on the phone regularly. They're my dad's family. They live like 15-20 hours from us so I don't get to see them a ton. But they're really my only support because mom's family are all cold as ice and don't give a crap.
Last week my mom asked me to babysit so she could have a night out with her husband and I got upset/mad and told her no way. Mom asked why the tears and why was I refusing instead of negotiating. I told her I wasn't going to do anything for her. We started to fight and mom was all like "what's with the attitude and I'm your mom" about it.
I told her she makes me feel like an orphan. I lost dad and then I lost her to her stepdaughter because she chose to only care about her stepdaughter's feelings. I told her I don't have a mom. I don't have someone I can go to if I need help. She always sends me away. And I brought up her insensitive comment three years ago and said stuff like it just makes me feel more like an orphan who lives with a foster family and gets ignored. She told me she doesn't have the ability to make me feel like an orphan and it's an ugly thing to say when she's still alive. I told her she'll never pick me over her stepdaughter or even pick me when her stepdaughter's doing other stuff. It's always about how she'd feel and if she'd get jealous or feel like she's less favored than me.
We just kept arguing and mom told me I had an ugly and selfish view of everything. After that mom has ignored me and she's on edge when I'm near her now because I wouldn't talk to her husband.
AITA?
NTA You’re not selfish or ugly for expressing how neglected you feel. You’re grieving the loss of your dad and the emotional loss of your mom’s attention. It’s deeply painful to feel replaced and ignored by the only parent you have left. Her dismissing your feelings and prioritizing her stepdaughter without maintaining a bond with you is damaging. You’re allowed to feel hurt and speak up about it.
It always hurt so bad and now it still hurts but it makes me so angry at her too. There are so many times she could've put some effort into our relationship and she wouldn't.
I would so much like to give you a hug right now. Keep strong and know it’s not anaything you did. You deserve to be loved and will be in the near future.
Mom told on herself when that was her reaction. Didn’t even try to deny OP’s allegations - just attacked her for making them.
NTA at all. She has massively failed you. Can you go and live with your dads family? Your mother clearly doesn't give a shit. Get away from her and go no contact as soon as you are able. She likely won't even notice.
It's not that easy because they're in another state. If they lived close enough for me to walk and not so far that it would be a big deal I could. But the way things are now mom could decide to be petty and accuse them of kidnapping me. With how angry she is at me I could see it happening.
Even bringing it up would show her how serious you are. If she wants your relationship to be anything at all after 18, she's gonna have to step up.
In the meantime, focus on school, get your grades as high as possible, and count down to when you can leave for college, or whatever you have planned.
It's ok to make jabs like 'I just live here' when it comes to family.
Continuous confrontation and slamming doors, etc won't get you anything.
If your mom sees you moved on and focus on yourself, she either steps up, or you know you're on your own.
Acceptance usually cuts deeper than confrontation.
She can yell back when you yell. She can call you disrespectful, if you use cuss words. But she can't really argue with 'I don't remember anything we did together as a family, really. It's you and your new daughter. I've accepted that. I just live here, and I'll likely move out as soon as I can, so don't worry about me.'
Exactly, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
She is angry because you held up a mirror to her. If she argues, ask her what event you have had has she attended. The last birthday celebration. Let her try to think of something Meanwhile start planning your escape. Collect your papers. Put away savings Check to see if there are any colleges near where your dad's family lives. Talk to them about living with them. Find out if you have to establish residency first to get reduced tuition cost
Jump on a bus, or ask them to collect you, and call the police so your mum can't stop you leaving, its on record then so she can't claim kidnapping.
"16f".
What and 16yr olds can't use public transport?
Im in the uk, at 16 you can move out of your parents home and live alone. Im guessing OP isn't uk which is why I said to get on a bus to the grandparents home.
OP also said in another comment that her mother is petty enough to report her as running away or her relatives kidnapping her if she left to go to them, so there’s that too.
Yes thats why i said to call the police before she leaves so that theres a report to say that this is what she wants and that she's going willingly.
I have since researched that they cannot leave home and go live with another family member without parental permission in America.
I'm from the UK, here at 16 you can legally move out and live alone.
No, 16 year olds can't cross state lines and decide to live in another state.
According to Google a 16yr old CAN cross state lines (but MAY encounter some restrictions if they are alone) but can't live with grandparents unless a parent has given consent.
However I do appreciate you explaining more than the "16f" I had. Not everyone here is American so im not sure why they thought id know what "16f" was supposed to explain to me. So, thank you.
Will your dad’s family take you in when you’re 18? If you’re going to pursue further education can you do it in the state they live?
Your mum is so bad that I initially thought this was fake, but most fake posts don’t have detailed replies. I‘m sorry you’re going through this.
Show her this post
NTA. She didn’t just neglect you, she replaced you and then had the audacity to act shocked when you finally said it out loud. You lost your dad, and instead of stepping up, she made you invisible to make another kid feel special. That’s not parenting, that’s abandonment with extra steps.
Yes! I always hated how she'd bring up how it would make her stepdaughter feel. What about me and how I feel? Why does that not matter at all?
NTA her trying to gaslight you is crazy. Write a list of every time you can remember her failing you and choosing your stepsister, make a copy and then give it to her and tell her she has made the choice to abandon you therefore you don’t owe her anything.
I don't think giving her a list is worth the time it would take. That's just another chance for her to show me she doesn't care anymore about me and that I matter so little.
Here’s what I was told about anything written: are you ok if it shows up in court as evidence?
And, it sounds like you’re a decent human, so you probably wouldn’t want your stepsister to find/see the list. IDK
What’s your relationship with your stepsister like?
And it’s a chance for you to accept that she doesn’t care anymore. It’s very harsh for a 16 y/o child but I’m sure you’ll get through this.
NTA. You’re hurting and just want your mom to see you too. That’s not selfish it’s human.
Thank you. I know it was a waste of time but at least she can't ever say I never told her how I felt when we end up not talking when I'm older.
She will still say that. She wants to live in denial, like all shit parents. She will try to cover her ass, to make herself look like a victim.
this whole thing feels like emotional abandonment in slow motion. she did not just get caught up in her new family she fully made a choice to push you aside and then gaslit you for noticing.
you were TEN when this started. that is not an age where a mom should be saying things like “ask your dad” when she knows exactly what that means. that was cruel no matter how you frame it.
you were not asking for more you were asking for enough. and she made it clear that enough was too much to give.
NTA. you said what needed to be said and she just was not ready to hear the truth.
I don't think she cares enough to do anything about the truth. At some point I think she just detached from me completely and any real feelings she had toward me just went.
NTA you need therapy honey 🫂. This is really sad. Can you ask a teacher to sign you up?
My teachers can't sign me up for regular therapy and our school counselor is awful so I'd be better with no therapy than him.
In some states, minors don't need their parents' permission for medical issues; they can schedule their own appointments.
Also, in some states, parents can't access your medical file without your written consent.
Might be worth talking to your primary doctor about your rights to medical care.
How about your uncles & aunt?
NTA, but your mother is a real piece of work honestly. Since you have a part-time job, save up all you can, and once you turn 18 get out of hell and go to your dad's side of the family. And when you do move out, check your dad's will, just to make sure your mom didn't use anything for your stepsister that should be for you, because she sounds like the type who would do that.
And the fact that she basically called your stepdick your dad is above and beyond disgusting! I hope you go no contact forever after leaving them, you deserve better than what they're putting you through. And yes, I'm blaming stepdick here too because he could have been decent and told your mom to knock it off, she's being unfair to you and teaching his daughter to be a narcissist, but he didn't because his spawn his getting all the benefit from having your mom obsessed with her, it's so damn gross honestly.
I'm so sorry for you OP, you really deserve better. Just hold out till you can move out and be rid of them forever.
I hope your family on your dad’s side can help you at 18 (or earlier) with a or help with a place for you to live, if you are e.g. studying something
I’d also get at your 18th birthday an account (in some countries its earlier possible to get a secure account) at a bank neither your mother nor her husband has an account too, check for your credit score and freeze it, check for insurances, pay-outs, will details, possible trust in connection to your dad, including his death
get a tax pin too, get legal advice for your country/region about under which circumstances they can still claim you at tax,
make sure to be very early to do your taxes, I’ve seen here lots of cases were parents stole the tax reduction from their kids, took credits out in their name, including those for students without their offspring ever knew about that, stole inheritance and worse, always counting on either their kids don’t realize it or counting on their kids not going the legal way, see faaammmiiiilllyyyyy
be prepared for cut phone plans, no access to e.g. birth certificate, school papers and more => get an email, an independent cloud, something not related to your normal mobile/cloud, to store there pictures of papers, pictures of pictures that might mean something later on, contact infos (famiky, friends, work, old school, insurances, maybe lawyers, see death of father,…), screenshots od e.g. ‚discussions‘, all what might be important
Never trust someone who discards you or someone else, for personal gain, a golden child, the new marriage or… e happy if they do nothing bad, but better be prepared than to be hurt/getting in a difficult situation
NTA
I just want to chime in that not only is your mom terrible, but it really sucks that your former art teacher punished you for things completely outside of your control. You are a child, at that point you were unable to manage your own transport, that was not your fault, NTA. Might be worth discussing that with the school administration, if you think you can.
Mommy is so preoccupied being a dick warmer, she forgot how to be a mother. Women like this make me sick.
She told me she doesn't have the ability to make me feel like an orphan
If only she had the ability to be self aware. NTA
ask your dad's family of they can take you to live with them ,and tell her that's your choice and you can't stay with her anymore , if she refused tell her it will take 2 more years and then she will lose you forever And she can live a happy life with her new daughter and you already don't have a mother
NTA
I'm sorry you lost both your parents. I'm glad you have some memories from before you were 10 for your mom and 5 for your dad of what it is like to be loved and cherished. You know what a functional relationship feels like, you can move on from this.
Don't be ashamed of your anger. Anger is what drives us to refuse to accept the unacceptable. It will give you the energy you need to take yourself out of abusive situations, and to force others to acknowledge the harm they have done to you. Don't lash out with it, but think of it as an engine that can drive you forward to a point where you are living with people you love and who love you back.
NTA. This makes me mad and sad.
Sounds like she feels because you are blood she doesn't need to make an effort because she takes for granted you'll "always" be there.
Whereas she's insecure with stepchildren and links her to the security of her marriage.
This may be why she was shocked when you told her this was not as secure as she believed. Wait for the reaction if you leave and go LC or NC, after all she did for you...
NTA. Crass of your mother to tell her neglected child she shouldn't be so selfish.
NTA I'm sorry, but your mother is an awful human being.
This might not be what you want to hear; but in my experience, it really doesn't get any better.
Work hard and plan for your future, because your mother won't help.
NTA, send your mom this thread. Then ask her if you can move in with your dad's family, after you ok it with them first . Updateme
NTA. Your mom is terrible! I know it's difficult now, but do not let this make you think you don't have value or deserve to be loved. YOU ABSOLUTELY ARE LOVABLE.
i had kinda the same thing happen fr with my stepmom and it sucks so much feeling like the “extra” kid. honestly, it’s okay to ask for your own space and not feel guilty about needing your own time with your mom. like, you deserve to feel seen too.
I'm sorry you've been there too. You deserved to be seen too. It sucks that neither of us were.
updateme
NTAH, and I'm so sorry your father passed, and you've been emotionally abandoned by your mom. Your feelings are absolutely valid, and I suspect your mom got upset because she 100% knows what you said is true. Keep in contact with your dad's family. Maybe they can be your support when you're finally able to escape your mom and her new family.
Absolutely NOT TA. She refuses to see how she is pushing you away, and she will be surprised when you chose to move closer to your dad's family when you go to college and work. Sending you mom-hugs from across the internet.
Sorry this happened to you. Your feelings are absolutely valid, your mother chose to ignore you in favor of her stepdaughter. She still didn't acknowledge the feelings you brought up to her. There is not much you can do about it, either try moving in with your grandparents or aunts/uncles, or continue to stay with your mom until you're 18. In the meantime, try saving up money and become financially independent so you can move out once you're 18. Go low contact or no contact whatever you choose.
I can bet she'll 100% try connecting with you once you move out, but then it'll be too late.
IDK maybe she will but I feel like she'll just be extra angry at me when I move out. Because from what I can see she blames me for feeling like I do and thinks it's so selfish of me to want to take her from her stepdaughter.
I have a part time job now so I'll get to saving. I normally buy myself stuff because it feels better for a little while to have something I enjoy.
Anyway, after you turn 18, you can legally move out and go no contact. Then there won’t be any reason for her to be angry with you, since you wouldn’t have anything to do with her.
That's my plan because I have nothing to stay for.
NTA her having a relationship with you at all is entirely your decision. That’s the biggest power you have here. Tell her she can ground you, be cold all she wants, but it will just push you further away. You could walk out at 18, never speak to her again, and it would change very little in your life. And there’s nothing she could do about it.
Nta. Does your maternal grandparents live close by so you might be able to move in with them? In worst case move 15-20 hours away to your dad's side. Updateme
NTA
I am so sorry for you. Is there a way that you can move in with your dad's side of the family?
It's a bitter motivation, but you should focus on school and try to be financial independent as early as possible. Build your own family by finding friends that love you.
Maybe you can find some support groups (maybe online?) and find other persons that also lost their parents. Because it also sounds to me like you lost both of them. Your mother compensated the loss by building a new family and pushing you away.
You have my sympathies.l Your mom needs therapy - so do you. Your mother never dealt with the Fact that she places SOME of the blame for your dad's death on you. After all, he was going to pick You up😓. IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT. It is possible that she resents your existence in the face of her loss, never seeing that YOU LOST HIM, TOO🫂
Check with your guidance counselor at school about getting help [counseling or possibly moving to your supportive relatives]. Until she gets into therapy, this behavior won't change. I pray for your peace and healing.❤️🩹🙏🏼
NTA
NTA. You have some serious feelings of abandonment, and quite frankly, they're 💯% valid based on your story. It could be that she was trying to make her stepdaughter feel welcome, but that should not have come at the expense of you and your upbringing.
I have 4 kids of my own 15f, 13f, 7f, & 4f. I don't have step kids (maybe some day, as I'm separated from my ex wife), but I know that I'd never want my kids to feel pushed away.
My heart breaks 💔 for you.
NTA. I've never had kids but I can't understand not at least entertaining the idea you've neglected your child if they come to you and say this.
NTA
I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Your mom is terrible. She easily could have easily given her love and attention to both of you (moms do that all the time!). Instead, she ruined any chance of a relationship between the two of you and destroyed her relationship with you.
The question now is where do you go from here?
First, get a job and a bank account. You need to start saving up so you can move out either when you’re 18 or graduate HS. If she argues about it, tell her you need it for college applications. You earn additional admissions points for having extra curricular activities & a job counts. If she is against it, talk with neighbors. Tell them you’re trying to earn money for college and ask if they have any odd jobs they would pay you to do.
Second, keep in contact with your paternal family. They are your emotional support. Ask whichever grandparent is closest to your mom to call her and ask if you can come visit for a week or two.
Third, like it or not, you have to make peace with your mom and stepdad. It is not healthy to live in that kind of stress. Yes, you likely will have to apologize to your mom for arguing. (It may even help her to be agreeable to you visiting your grandparents).
Last, remember this prayer: God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It helped me a lot when I was your age. The other thing I kept saying to myself is “I am a survivor and I will survive this just like I’ve survived everything before.” OP, you’re stronger than you know. Don’t forget that!
Updateme
Nta. I would flat out tell mom she has you till 18. Then you will be gone for good. Maybe see if any on your dad side will take you in..
Best option is to move to your grandparents regardless of distance it’s obvious that your “mother” doesn’t care anymore which sucks
Would your dad's family consider taking you in?
UpdateMe!
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme!
Siempre digo si los padres no cuidan a sus hijos a estos les espera una mala vejez una vieja que era mala con sus hijos literalmente la dejaron sola sin nadie y los hijos la abandonaron por extrema negligencia.
Creeme OP al menos no lloraras su perdida cuando muera d verdad la estás llorando ahora ella se está perdiendo a alguien importante.
Have you told your family on your father’s side what is going on? Maybe they can help you think of solutions.
Nta ask her if you can move to your dad's family because she clearly doesn't and won't give a cr*p.
NTA. I am so sorry that you are going through this. The fact that she told you to ask your dad shows just how far detached she is from you. You have less than 2 years until you can choose not deal with her. Like others have said, look into options with your paternal side. Get all your documents. Good luck.
NTA. Sorry for your loss. Early on do you think your step sister needed extra attention? You were ten and she was two and then three? You were in that awkward preteen age and maybe a little jealous of a three year old getting mom's attention? Now you're a teenager with all those feelings. Parents will disappoint us. Please stop comparing yourself to your step sister and weighing the pros and cons. Feelings are important but don't lead your life with them. I hope you can grow into a better relationship with your mom and family. I wish you well.
You really don't if you said shit like this.
OP can be both NTA and mom can be right, both can be true at the same time.
you’re not the asshole. your mom pushed you aside to focus on her stepdaughter and ignored your needs. it’s okay to feel hurt ,you just want love and support. your feelings are valid.
This. Kids know when they’re not being chosen. It’s not about jealousy, it’s about not being seen or supported.
Thank you. I really wish she could've made some time for me. But I'll get through it.
You can always go to https://www.reddit.com/r/MomForAMinute/s/ziFwWxwP0x And there is also https://www.reddit.com/r/DadForAMinute/s/l4ciBQxXfU They are great at offering support and good advice.
i didn't know i needed this until i saw it and started crying. thank you so much for informing us about these 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Exactly. No one deserves to feel invisible in their own family. It’s completely valid to speak up when your emotional needs aren’t being met.
It's tough when your mom turns into a one-woman cheer squad for her stepdaughter while you're left holding pom-poms made of sadness. But hey, your feelings are valid just remember, every good show needs a plot twist, and yours is coming!