My parents are divorced and they shared custody of me until two years ago. There was a fight over custody and the judge decided that I (16m) could choose which house to stay in at any point if I wanted to, which meant neither of my parents won and the decision was put in my hands. Until now H had chosen to keep splitting the time between both houses but a few weeks ago I decided I wanted to live with my dad so I told my mom I wasn't coming back to her house.
She wasn't happy about it, obviously, and she hates my reason for making this decision.
The TLDR version is my mom's remarried and has three stepkids, my two stepsisters and my stepbrother. My stepbrother is neurodivergent and he's super exhausting to be around.
Because I'm the only other boy in the house he fixated on me because of it. He's super misogynistic and says stuff that really hurts his sisters. I get so tired of him following me around and copying me and the things I do. There is no such thing as personal space with him. He's always in my room or in my face and there are times I've come back from dad's house and he slept in my room instead of his own. He's tried to make me eat like he does too and he destroyed a bunch of snacks that were mine, that I even bought because he didn't like them and he wants us to like the same stuff. My mom can't talk to him because he doesn't listen to her at all. One because she's not his mom and two because she's a woman. My stepbrother's dad coddles him to the extreme and always brings up how he has additional needs and challenges other kids have. We fight about his son a lot because he thinks I should love his kids and make sure I take extra care when being around his son.
My breaking point was my stepbrother moving all his stuff into my room and deciding we'll share. He's 10 and already so in my face and even still with that age gap it's a no. And he's not even my brother. He's my stepbrother. And things are already weird enough. But his dad and my mom let him move his stuff and let him declare we'd share a room now.
It was getting harder not to lash out at him (never physically) and I don't care about him in a way that I'd want to be the sibling who teaches him. I don't even consider him my actual sibling at all. If my mom's marriage was over tomorrow I'd have nothing more to do with him.
So yeah I decided to move in with dad. I told my mom exactly why and she hated my reason. She said it's so unkind and will make my stepsiblings feel so abandoned. She said my stepbrother won't fully understand and my stepsisters will lose the brother who isn't an asshole to them. I told her none of them were my problem and I won't make myself unhappy to help them. My mom asked how I could leave her so easily and I said because her house is my worst nightmare. And I said it was going to all go from bad to worse if I finally lost it with that kid.
My mom's still trying to change my mind and she even tried to force my dad to invite my stepsiblings over so we could all hang out. I don't want that. Not even the girls. I just want to be left alone and to not deal with the bullshit my mom dragged me into.
AITA?
NTA.
You are a child and are not responsible for your stepbrother. You need to take care of yourself and you're doing the right thing by taking yourself out of a toxic situation.
I'm glad I had the option to do that. Without my dad I'd be in a really uncomfortable place for another two years.
Just reading your post made me uncomfortable, yeah. I don't blame you a bit for wanting to get out. Don't listen to your mother's guilt-tripping bullshit; she married the dude, not you.
I'm glad it's not just me and my dad. He hated me talking about mom's house and he never felt like it was okay. I'm so lucky I had him in my life.
I'm glad you have one parent worth a damn!
My only piece of advice to you is to not fully cut contact with your stepsisters. If shit hits the fan, it will be good for them to have one sane person around.
Great advice. How often are those kids with their mom?
Atleast you have one sane parent, your mother is wild af for this💀😭
NTA. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
Exactly this. OP shouldn’t be expected to just suck it up and sacrifice their peace because the adults in the house refuse to set proper boundaries. You did what was best for you and that doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you smart.
NTA. Your mom expects too much from you. You have been forced into a very complex and difficult living situation. Especially when the only sanctuary you had in their home was taken over. I feel for you partner.
Thanks. At least I have an out. His sisters don't.
Where is the mother of these girls? They don't have any extended family?
I don't know where their mom is. They have family on their dad's side but nobody seems too involved with them from the extended family.
Wow, that's sad.
Do you have any way to contact the family on their Dad's side? If so, please do. Even if they don't seem close please reach out, tell them you are the step son and you escaped but the girls are stuck and they NEED help. Include a link and tell them this is you and you are begging for some intervention for them. Step Dad has likely glossed over everything with all of them.
Maybe once you've had some time to get decompress now you're at your Dad's you can get back in touch with you stepsisters and check in on them occasionally, perhaps once you've finished school?
Your step bro isn’t your issue or problem to set an example for that would be his sperm donor because doesn’t sound like he parents
Your mother is an enabler of his behaviour and shouldn’t be putting any of this on your shoulders
You did their best right thing removing yourself from a situation that’s only going to get worse
NTA - You are a child yourself, you are in no way responsible for educating and raising another child. That's the job of the parents. Just because they are failing, doesn't mean that it's 'your' turn.
And if your step-brother is allowed to decide he can move into your room unilaterally, then that means that you're allowed to decide which room you want to be in as well. It just so happens that room is in another house.
If your mother persists, tell her that you're teaching him that actions have consequences. Your step-brother acted in a way that violated your boundaries, so you did something about it. You left. Just like everyone else in his life will leave him, if he keeps up that sort of behaviour. He's going to end up alone, and it's all going to be his fault. Women aren't going to want to spend time with a person who obviously hates them and the type of man who will hang out with him, are only going to do so if they see that he has something they want. Because surprise, most friends want to have friends who treat people like people.
No one can force him to change, but people certainly have the option of removing themselves from his vicinity.
As I find myself often saying to parents - if you don't teach your child basic respect and manners, society will. And they aren't going to be nice about it. I pity your step-brother. He's going to be walking into rakes the rest of his life and trying to find someone else but himself to blame.
If you do speak to him again, be sure to be blunt to him and let him know that you left entirely because of his behaviour.
NTA… your stepfather is allowing him to be a predator in the making. Keep an eye and report it if need be, but also keep your distance.
Tell your dad the truth about everything and you don't want him over there.
Dad knows everything. He would never let my stepbrother come.
That's good news.
I get that your step-brither is ND. That doesn't mean that everyone should just roll over, give in to everything he wants to prevent a meltdown.
He should be told when things are not correct, make people uneasy. Etc. He is going to need to learn to live in the real world unless your mum and his dad are going to be around for the rest of his life, coddling his every move.
I'm so pleased that you have somewhere safe that welcomes you. Well done to uour Dad for stepping up the way any parent should.
If your step-sisters were not too bad can I suggest you keep in contact with them. Someone who understands what's going on in the house and can be a sounding board for them to let off steam. They probably need it.
As for Step-brother there's no requirement for you to spend time with him again. If your Mother wants a relationship with you she needs to make time FOR YOU. JUST YOU. A day out with JUST you so you can talk, be together, make memories with just the two of you.Not have any steps, encroaching on your mum & son time.
Goodluck
Updateme!
Thoughtful intelligent comment
So she actually acknowledges how he treats them and basically that she expects you to protect them from it instead of their awful dad (who most likely is where he gets his beliefs from anyway) and her own sorry self?! Jesus nta at all. Stand your ground and good luck op that is not your job or your responsibility at all. UpdateMe!
Pretty much. She's super aware of how bad he is.
So you mom married a misogynistic AH who is raising a misogynistic AH son. BOTH your mom and step-dad are neglectful parents. They are doing nothing to raise the three kids, allowing the feral kid to run the show, and your mom is neglecting YOU.
Neglect is a form of abuse. They are abusive parents, and all four of you are suffering under that roof. I am so glad you were able to get out... they can and should be reported to CPS. The boy is already causing problems at school due to their neglect. Those girls are suffering. It's a shame they have no way to escape like you.
You have every right to be so hurt and angry at your mom that you do not want to see her anymore. Please talk to someone about all you have endured, a good therapist or counselor will help you work through everything your mom is putting you through. Don't let her failings define your worth or impact your future relationships.
NOBODY can deal with this kind of parenting failure on their own, tell your dad to find you a therapist talk to. I wish I had a therapist at your age, my life would be so different if I had help processing my abuse, so it's the only unsolicited advice I give to young people.
That was my thinking too. Stepbrother is getting this attitude about girls from somewhere. Because based on what OP’s said he does it’s beyond the typical “ewww girls are yucky” mindset most ten year old still have to an extent. So either his dad is monitoring what stepbrother watches online or the stepdad is the one giving him these ideas.
NTA and I have no respectable words for a woman who completely abandoned the wants and needs of her own son for her new family. Stay with your dad and tell your mom she's reaping what she sowed for not helping you maintain any boundaries in your home with her. Her stepson sounds like a nightmare, but that's not your concern.
Your mom’s house wasn’t working for you. You tried and stayed for a while. You explained your reasons. You’re allowed to say enough. And you did it
Next time you chat with mom/text..
Mom, we can meet away from step bro. Thats it. That kid is a monster and I don’t want to be around him. Especially because I would say something that wouldn’t be good for anyone.
Mom, if you care at all about those kids you need to do better by the step sisters. (List some of the bad stuff he says or does to them). Once he gets hormones who is to know how he will treat his sisters. And if anything happens to them that’s on you and his father.
NTA
What’s your dad think about this?
My dad is furious mom let this go on for so long. He was never okay with all the boundary issues I had with this kid and I'm pretty sure it was what set off the whole custody fight. Dad didn't want me around that and mom thought dad was a bad influence for blending families.
I don’t know what you mom thinks what blended families are. She thinks she is on a tv show where after a little conflict we are back to be one happy family.
Where is the stepkids mom?
Why did your mom even marry a man whose son is so blatantly disrespectful to her? Neurodivergent or not. That doesn't let them off the hook from trying to teach himn and it doesn't mean you have to put up with rude behavior.
Nta
Because she liked him enough and cared less about the hell she was bringing us into.
I would think she wouldn't want to put up with his behavior towards her, but I guess she doesn't care.
NTA. It's your life and your comfort zone. You're old enough to decide where you want to live and with whom. Your mom needs to understand this. Her actions or inaction in the home environment also played a part in your decision.
You made the healthy and right decision. Your mom unfortunately is one of those women who will pick a man over her own child, smh. You are not responsible for anyone but yourself, and dont let your dad be manipulated to have any of them over at his place. Your mom is selfish and so is her husband.
NTA
You have to look out for yourself first. The stepbrother being neurodivergent is no excuse to be a misogynistic AH. Your mother and his dad need to take this issue seriously and get professional help regarding this.
NTA. Your step dad is the biggest AH here, closely followed by your mum. Their inaction has pushed you away. They have no right to try and emotionally manipulate you.
I can see your step sisters going NC with your mom, your stepdad (their dad) and your stepbrother (their brother) in the future once theyre 18. Then its gonna be « Why dont 2 of my kids talk to me? » « why dont 2 of my stepkids talk to me? » and « why dont my sisters talk to me? »💀💀💀
Yeah. You have learned to set boundaries.. Just because your mother decided to marry another man thet has kids, makes no difference to you. In fact, this entire concept of someone else's kids being foisted upon others based solely on the decisions of a parent is patently absurd. I despise the term "step". Its "the children of the person who my mother/father married". That little helion is not your problem. And quite frankly, im sick of people demanding others make all possible sacrifices just because some kid is "special needs". Why should you have to live in misery? You shouldn't.
NTA. Sounds like you’re making the correct decisions and thinking correctly. Don’t let anyone gaslight you! This is your life and your boundaries are being invaded. Live with your dad! I moved in with my dad as a teen and it was the best thing I could have done for both sides of the family. My stepmom and me made a team and my mom could focus on her fav kids. (Said lovingly and not angrily lol).
NTA, but maybe report your brother to CPS for your sisters’ safety.
I wonder where the step brother get his attitude to mistreat his sisters from?? wth what type of disability does he really have? IDK what your mom got herself into, to loose your only son?? Make it make sense??!!
NTA - but I feel sorry for your step sisters.
Supporting a neurodivergent kid does not mean giving him all he wants and don't make him accept boundaries. Your Stepdad and your Mom are the AHs here. And they can not ask you to burn yourself to keep your Mom and stepsibblings warm.
NTA. Are you able to report the stepbrother's behaviour to a teacher or someone else so something can be done to protect your stepsisters ?
I don't blame you one bit for trying to get out of that situation.
Sounds overwhelming. I would do the same. You cant force relationships. NTA
NTA and your dad should be telling the judge what your mom is doing, just in case
NTA your mom proved who is more important and you owe your step siblings nothing. She doesn't want to deal with her stepson so she went along with pawning him off on you. Judge gave you a choice you acted on it and the judge can't force you or your dad to have the step kids over.
Even if the face of you leaving, her priority is the stepbrother, with secondary care for the stepsisters? You made the right call. NTA
I'm so sorry. That's just heartbreaking. My mom heart can't even fathom letting my house get so bad that my kids want to leave, I would move heaven and earth to make sure my kids felt good at home; shame on your mom for not doing that for you. I can't imagine putting one of my kids in your position. I'm so glad you can move in with your dad, please remember that it's nothing to do with YOU that your mom didn't prioritize and protect you. Your mom is so in the wrong. You are worth more than how she's treating you. I feel so bad for the girls, too. That's just so sad.
When you're gone, I would inform your mom and step dad that they're failing those other 3 kids. Theyre teaching the girls to accept sexist mistreatment. Teaching them to be 2nd class citizens and you won't be surprised if they turn 18 and never come home again. (I would also tell the girls, if you can, that they don't have to be responsible for their brother as adults and that they can and SHOULD call the police if he gets violent.)
They're also failing your step-brother. If they don't teach him to respect women and boundaries, he's going to have a really awful life. Treating him like they do isn't doing him any favors.
And of course, your mom also failed you. Instead of protecting you, which is her job as a mother, she tried to make you a caregiver to someone who someone who won't listen when you say No. It's fucked up to put that responsibility on a kid.
I'd tell them all of this once my stuff was out of the house and I'd tell your dad everything.
NTA
NTA- Your mom and her husband are horrible enablers. They're going to end up alone with your stepbrother and wonder why. They will never be allowed near your stepsister's future families because heaven knows what your stepbrother will try. And they know what your mom and her husband don't, protect the innocent.
Stepbrother needs a lot of help, and it's really hard work. Heaven knows how many parent/teacher conferences there have been. Instead of actually doing the work, they tried a human bandaid in you when he showed a positive interest.
If mom keeps nagging you coming back threaten to call CPS on her and her husband. They're neglecting the girls for the sake of stepbrother who is out of control. It's extreme, and she may never forgive you, but they're doing a horrible job parenting.
Maybe they can focus on stopping the stepbrother from being such a little asshole to his sisters?
How old are your step sisters? A call to CPS sounds like a really good idea. The school may not be aware of how bad the brother is at home
NTA, not your problem m8. Good luck at your dad's place.
NTA that sounds fucking exhausting at 41, at 16 I wouldn't have had the skills to navigate that shit.
NTA. The root of the problems there is your stepfather for not parenting his kid and your mom for exposing you to all this. You're doing the right thing by getting away from it. Meanwhile your mother expects you to light yourself on fire in order to keep others warm and such self destructive behavior is anything but a good idea, so don't listen to her. If she doesn't stop trying to change your mind then I'd just mute or block her.
I wonder how long your mom will last in that house once you're out of the picture, because things are about to get a whole lot worse for them once your stepbrother can no longer fixate on you as you've effectively served as a shield/distraction. I'd put my money on a divorce happening within a few years. I also hope that your stepsisters can get away from their brother sooner rather than later, just like how you are getting away from it all now.
NTA, get out and let your mother know actions have consequences. This is hers.
NTA
I'd have done the same thing in your shoes.
It sucks for your stepsisters, but that's not on you to fix.
Your mother, and her husband have caused this. They've ignored your stepbrothers behaviour, and are now attempting to emotionally manipulate you into taking the bullet for your stepsisters.
I'm glad that you have one good parent at least.
Hey OP, up to you, but could try and be there for the girls if possible even via social media, something tells me they may need a person who isn't a dick to them so they at least have a person who they can at least tell if anything nefarious occurs.....
As a psychologist, it is rather concerning that a 10 year old boy is acting this way, with a father with silently encouraging it.
Slower cognitive development is not an excuse to not discipline or get therapy to correct these ideals.
As for your mum, you can use her complacency in any custodial hearing, but something tells me, she won't try and enforce custody, because what you wrote here would raise many red flags and the entire family will be investigated.
If the 10 year old boy is saying sexual things about his sisters, without their dad stopping it, that alone will ruin the next 12 months because then other things will be investigated into....
NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just make sure your dad understands all this so your mother doesn’t trick him into invited these strangers into your home.
NTA
Your mom betrayed you by not defending you against your step brother. She should have put up boundaries and stuck to them. By letting his dad and him control the house she let you down as your mom! If you're happier at dad's, she needs to accept your choice. By trying to force you to have a relationship with your step siblings, she's only creating more of a divide. Trust your gut and stay where you're happy!
NTA. Stepbrother sounds like a sociopath and he's only 10, that's really scary. And your own mother won't protect you; that's a kind of betrayal I can identify with.
You have 100% made the right choice by going to your father's. You only have a couple more years at most of high school. This is the time to be able to concentrate on that and enjoying the rest of your childhood, rather than dealing with the f*cked up people in your mom's household.
If your mom tries to guilt trip you again about your stepsisters, tell her it's HER job as an adult parent to protect them from that boy, not yours. It's really spinless to put that on you.
Also, that 10-year-old doesn't care about any kind of a relationship with you. He got what he wanted by forcing himself into your bedroom; he got rid of you and feels he's claimed extra power in that household. I wouldn't be surprised if he now turns his full psychotic wrath toward his sisters.
NTA - your mother chose to love them and marry their father, you were forced into these relationships, and you shouldn't have to live with her decisions.
NTA. My 12yo son is ND and I would implement discipline if he ever so much behaved that way, and I make this very clear to him. Luckily he is generally an all round caring and compassionate kid who wants to help everyone.
But, it's been hard work for him, and for me, with fortnightly therapy social skills sessions since he was about 7.
You yourself are a child still, you should not be put through parentification for another minor let alone a ND minor who obvioursly needs a firm freaking hand in learning appropriate and socially acceptible behaviours. I wouldn't put it past your mother and step father looking at you as the kids carer once they have passed away.
You should be focusing on school, friends, figuring out your life and college choices, potential careers and relationships.
How are your relationships with the girls? Are they older/younger that the boy? You don't have to, but if the relationships are good you could offer them help out of that environment once they become of age if they don't have any other family to do so. Unfortunately from what you've said of the boys behaviours it will more than likely go down the physical route if intervention is not made. And help in the sense of what ever you are comfortable with even if it's just contacts for emergency social services for them.
NTA but at least give the girls a way to get hold of you if their brother crosses the line from verbal to any type of physical abuse. You may not be blood but you might be the only one who will do something about it.
NTA, be nice to your stepsisters, they don't have the option to leave.
Updateme
Good for you. Stay strong and keep your head high. You made the best decision. It’s not your problem. How are you doing living with dad?
NTA. You’ve got every right to want space and choose to live where you’re more comfortable. It’s not on you to deal with your stepbrother, especially when the adults won’t handle it. Wanting some peace doesn’t make you a bad person.
NTA. It's sad how many parents put their kids, even the bios, in second place after marring again. Your father is gold, make sure to treasure him and let him know how much his supporter mean to you.
As for the girls, I would say to you to at least keep in contact (messages) with then or meet then here and there sometimes outside the house, just the three of you depending on their age. You don't have obligation to do this, and will not be a AH for not doing it if you don't want to, but it sucks that the girls don't have a support system and are growing up with someone attaching then under their father's nose. At least make sure to tell then that this is not normal and they should move out asap before things escalate beyond just words.
And again, NTA... Great dad 👏👏👏
NTA. Her choosing that life doesn’t obligate you to choose the same. Updateme
This is disgusting. Not only is your mom and ashshoke to you but to herself.
Go to your dad's and if your mom wants to see you, she can come to you.
You're sn intelligent young man. Don't let them manipulate you.
Updateme
Updateme
NTA. This is a case of protecting your peace that you otherwise wouldn't have. No one can expect you to deal with this and be ok. I'm sorry for the stepsisters. But it's not your responsibility. Tho, if you want, you could call CPS and tell them what's happening in the house? You are the only one that knows what is happening in the house and would not play down what your stepbrother says and does. But, of course, you don't have to do that.
Otherwise, Updateme. I would like to see how this plays out.
NTA. Where is your step dad's ex? Why isn't she doing more to protect her daughters? Or her extended family if she's not around?
You need to protect yourself and your mental health. It's clearly not a priority for your mom. I'm glad you have a safe place to stay. How old are your step sisters?
I'm not saying that you should treat daughters better than sons, not at all.
But, in the US, statistically, adults with 3 daughters or DILs are less likely to end up in elder care, because that care is often shared between the daughters (or DILs).
Your step-dad could potentially have enough future caregivers for when he reaches the winter of his life. But he is so set on coddling his misogynistic son, who will likely struggle to find a partner if that's how he treats women, and ignoring his daughters that he will likely alienate his daughters and caring for his son well into adulthood, while his son may never be able to take care of himself, let alone someone else.
Again, not saying that eldercare is solely the responsibility of daughters and DIL, or that parents are owed care and support by their children, but it is an interesting statistic.
NTA
NTA
You’re protecting your peace.
However, what you said about your 10 year-old stepbrother is very concerning. It’s obvious he doesn’t have a good relationship with his sisters. Has he gotten into trouble at his school? Based on what you’ve posted I would continue to keep your distance from him as much as possible; which, unfortunately, means limiting communication with your mother.
NTA - you made the right call. You were honest and your intention was to diffuse a situation that would have ended badly. Your father raised a good son. Unfortunately, your mother is only thinking of herself.
NTA. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Sounds like they want you as a buffer for coddled, neurodivergent 10-yr-old. Not your job, you didn't sign up for that--your Mom did. NTA.
NTA - you need to protect yourself.
NTA. Living with siblings is a big adjustment for you, but losing your personal space is too much to deal with. Nobody even in a non-blended family would bunk a 10-year-old with a 16-year-old. You just have different needs.
Autism is not something that a big brother can change by being a good influence, or sharing a space. Her stepson will always have challenges that will be with him his entire life. Nobody is going to be able to change that.
Living with your dad in a private space, is going to allow you the time and peace to be able to study correctly, sleep enough, and set you up for academic success. That’s what she should want… you to succeed, despite this divorce which, as all divorces do.. take a toll on the members of the family.
I Admire your maturity and compassion you have for the step sisters, but your needs are important too. You are doing the right thing.
I don’t know why a 16 year-old has to teach an adult about autism, and personal space, but hopefully your mother will listen.
NTA, you should not be required to set yourself on fire to keep that little youknowwhat warm.
NTA I will never understand how a parent gets married without ever considering the long term implications on their kids?!
NTA. All your reasons are faultlessly valid reasons. They can parent more but your dad especially. HE needs to be the male the brother aligns with ... not you.
Your life and mental stability will be negatively affected if you stay. Move in with your dad with a totally free conscience. Not your responsibility to be his friend or his brother; you did not choose this. Your dad did.
Updateme
Reading this, I was imagining your stepbrother was older, closer to your own age and I was legitimately horrified and disgusted to read that he is ten years old. To have such a savage perspective on girls and women by the age, the amount of misogyny he must have been exposed to is definitely more than the typical. However, whether he got that from his dad or from the internet is a question as well.
My experience with neurodivergent kids is limited to those in my circle and some I've taught before, but if his dad is a hands off parent, it's possible that stepbrother fell down the YouTube/internet black hole to those kind of talking heads.
Regardless, the fact that no responsible adult in his life is correcting his behavior does not bode well for his future or the people around him.
NTA, it's not your job to correct adults' crappy parenting. Or lack of parenting. Sadly, if he does value your opinion this much that he's attached to you, you'd have a decent shot at correcting some of his perceptions since he's still in at very malleable age and your opinion matters to him. I know it's not your job and you need some distance right now, but if you had a discussion with him to find out where he's getting this perspective from ("I've never heard some of these things before, where did you hear them?") it might help your stepsisters at least. Again, *not your job*, but if you had the wherewithall to do some sleuthing.. if it is from his dad, not much anyone can do. If it's from an outside family member or the internet, though, that might be something your mom can address with her husband.
NTA, but your mom and her husband are huge AH's.
I'm a neurodivergent mom with a neurodivergent 9 y/o son, and those are some severe red flags 🚩🚩🚩 Without any kind of intervention or therapy, they are going to ruin that boy, his mind, and his chance at life permanently.
Be it mentally, physically, or both; absent parenting is an epidemic, and that's how this is feeling. Your mom's "how could you leave me here?" is pretty telling, and that she's depending on you, her son, for a caregiver role you never signed up for. From her reactions, it doesn't feel like your step-dad does much to help with the kids
They're also instilling, and re-enforcing AWFUL & (it sounds like) inappropriate behavior, especially towards women. SUPER NOT OK. These are things that can absolutely be worked through in therapeutic settings, as long as the parents actually DO SOMETHING about it. Backseat parenting can get dangerous in situations like this.
Young kids are extremely impressionable, and can totally understand why he'd be so excited with another "boy" around, BUT, again, once you, another child in the home began to express discomfort, that should've been taken seriously and been a further conversation as to how we can make it safe/comfortable for everyone going forward. Does he follow his dad around just as much? Or is it (my guess) that he's so hyper-fixated on you because he's ignored or not getting the correct attention from desired adults?
Still doesn't make it your responsibility to take on, and that's a bigger issue meant between your mom and her husband. It's inappropriate and immature AF of the adults to be getting a 16 y/o involved. The oldest child is NOT a substitute or 3rd parent, especially to a special needs child when they have little to no experience??
They are creating excuses for him and themselves, & sadly, ALL you kids are paying for it. I'm really interested to know how your step dad behaves/talks because that red pill women hating sh*t doesn't just come from nowhere, and for a 10 year old to be saying/doing things toeing those lines? He's testing boundaries, and your mom and step dad are giving him the full green light 🟢🤦♂️ seriously worried for his daughter's.
Hope you're doing ok, OP! 🫂 you made the right choice.
Don't let your mom be emotionally manipulative towards you in this. SHE married this guy and his kids, not you. & you are not your dad, to where she needs you to step in to help because her current husband won't. You're a kid too, and deserve to live a kid life!
NTA, but maybe report your brother to CPS.
UpdateMe!
Mom picked a winner. Unfortunately her new family > you in her eyes. Her husband caused this scenario you did nothing. I would try meeting your mom 1 on 1 in a neutral location and explain that her husband has raised a shithead and you have no interest in dealing with him. Let her know that it’s not because he’s your stepbrother but that her husband coddling of him is raising a selfish and entitled kid, and you’re not gonna subject yourself to his selfishness just because it would appease her husband.
Your mom knew the problems you were experiencing with her stepson. She not only ignored those problems, but decided to move the kid into your room, regardless of how you felt. Throwing you two together was never going to miraculously make you change your mind about him. She’s made sure that you’ll never go back, because apparently your feelings and discomfort don’t matter.
At least you’ll have peace, and space now that you’re at your dad’s. Glad your dads not bend to your mom’s pushiness. It’ll never work in her favour. Let’s hope she realises that before it’s too late
Updateme!
So NTA but let’s be clear i dont think the stepbrother is neurodivergent, based on his behavior at minimum he is a borderline. Worse he is a psychopath. And unfortunately both those things are extremely hard to diagnose, especially in young children. Most doctors wont until 16 or 18. Even if he was diagnosed with anything i doubt the dad would even accept it.
I would report the stuff with the sisters to the authorities. You only know about the verbal abuse, with you leaving I could see him doing something dangerous potentially to them as a result. He could “blame them” merely because they are women. But i truly believe he is a danger to others. If he lashes out when he wants something and/or doesn’t get his way (the snacks) he can easily lash out with you leaving. The parents will clearly indulge and blame you.
Unfortunately your mom is a weak personality and that’s probably never going to change. You have to first do what is best for you. But I would stay alert.
I think, if you can swing it, that you need to ask your dad for some therapy so you can have a therapist help you write a letter to your mom detailing why you can't be around her and how let down you felt by her prioritizing her own wants over your happiness and frankly, your sanity and safety.
NTAH
NTAH
NTA. You're going to live in the place where life is more comfortable for you, and you're not forced to accept your stepbrother's intrusions. If your mother can't understand that, I don't know what to say. It is sad for the stepsisters, but you're not in charge of their wellbeing, their dad is, and he's failing them by not reining in his son's behavior.
Nta but your step brother and mom are.
What is cps going to do make them get counseling, remove them because of the way he speaks to his sisters , it may be condesending hurtful but as long as he hasn't harmed them physically or sexually they will do nothing if the house is presentable , he also has a diagnosis. Sadly good luck getting them to intervene they actually will wait until one or both of them or mom are harmed. It's either dad changes how he parents his son
NTA. I'm very sorry for you and your stepsisters. What an awful life - and what terrible parents.
NTA. You sound remarkably mature and you made your reasons known in a clear way. Your mom didn't like your reasons, but that's her problem. She and your stepdad have done nothing to make their home a place that you want to be. Their shortsightedness isn't good for you, the stepsisters and especially your stepbrother. She is asking you to be the sacrificial lamb.
Good luck!
Nta your brother is going to end up in a mental institution within the next 10 yrs and most likely for some serious crimes. Those poor girls don't even have a chance at a normal life. Your mother cast you aside to love over a psychopath. I wouldn't even talk to her anymore. I'm glad your dad's house is a good option. Soon enough you will be an adult and can choose to go NC with your mother's whole mess she created.
NTA
NTA they need to get him together before he gets even older that is unacceptable
NTA. Your stepsisters will understand and you can keep in contact without living together. Your mom will have to deal with the burden alone. You deserve peace and quiet.
NTA your mum is the AH and your stepdad is the AH for not parenting his kid better but you are not the AH
My mom asked how I could leave her so easily
"I don't know, mom. How could you set your actual child on fire just to keep your bed warm?" She's a failure of a parent. Consider yourself incredibly lucky to have have the freedom to go elsewhere. NTA
NTA - you do what's right for you - your mom & stepdad are AH's - him for the way he let's his son do whatever he wants & not pull him up for it - being neurodivergent is no excuse for piss poor behaviour to others.
I feel sorry for your step-sisters but they are just your step-sisters & not really your problem.
Your mom doesn't seem to give a damn about you - more bothered about what his means for her step-kids.
NTA but please keep in mind you have an out unlike those girls. If you can offer them some kindness it could go along way for them and their mental health. You don't have to of course but they are stuck with adults who are failing them. Heck you might even want to call CPS for them. Then maybe your stepbrother will get some help he needs and those girls can be safe. Give your dad a big hug too. Best of luck moving forward.
I feel you could try and keep in touch with the girls. I don't know. Life is not that simple. Most time you got to suck it up
The fact that they let him take over your room like that is really awful. I would refuse to visit. Tell your mother if she wants to see you, it will need to be just her and not there.
NTA
Good for you. Mom needs to deal with her step kids, all on her own.
reminds me of the greek έτσι και έτσι etsi ke etsi
NTA and his parents aren't doing him any favours. Being neurodivergent isn't a get out of jail free card and he's young enough that he can learn boundaries and coping mechanisms.
OP, I'm sorry that your mom is such a weak person. She's chosen to sacrifice you (and the girls) so she can "be happy." If she had any integrity, she'd stand up to her husband and stepson.
She needs to go visit r/stepparents and learn a thing or two.
Nta I’m feel bad for your stepsisters to have a brother a like that. Betting that your stepbrother is learning that from his dad. Great job 👏 going to live with your dad
You write very well for a 16m.
Updateme!
NTA. I`m glad you got away. Honestly, you are not your step-brother`s babysitter. Poor sisters though.
NTA
NTA
NTA. Your mother is putting her stepkids ahead of you.
Poor fucking daughters, not only is your mom a AH, but lord your stepdad…. He’s in a few years gonna wonder where the hell is daughters went off to cause they gonna be out the door the second they 18 and your stepbrother either never gonna move out or be in jail with that mindset. NTA at all, I would have run the first chance I got too
I can see him ending up in prison long term. He says really disgusting things about girls and his sisters. There have been incidents in school with him and girls too.
I hope you the best and your mom's first priority should have been your mental well being becasue you are her child .But,instead she wants you to be with her just as miserable.Wtf.You deserve better than this.
Yep. My mom stopped putting me first when she married the guy who's son was over the top clingy with me. And she never tried to make it better. She just expected me to tolerate it.
I think she expected you to take some heat off from the rest of them, basically throwing you to the wolves so they could run. SHE chose to marry a POS man that clearly has the same mindset as his son or he wold have done something..
Sounds like a classic case of choosing a partner over their own kids.
She expects you to he miserable becasue she chose that miserable life.She expects too much from you.Your step family should have been grateful that your being this good of a teenager who actually showed patience. LIKE...GEEZ.Your have much empathy and goodness in you but your mother is too much at this point.You are her first priority, NOT HER STEPSON.
And in that regard, OP, she has failed to protect you, her child.
Obviously, the 10 year old needs special education and monitoring. His father is seriously failing him.
Tell your Mom your reason for moving out was FAR from unkind. It was self protective. What is truly unkind is the way they give a pass to the treatment of the girls. Neurodivergence is NOT a reason to allow him to get away with his behavior. There are other ways of handling it and your mom and step father are too damn lazy to learn how to properly parent the kid. Instead they are taking the lazy way out and causing real and lasting harm to every other child who lives in the home - especially the girls.
THEY are the problem. Not you. Can you offer to allow the girls to come stay at your Dad's when they need a break? Because I can not imagine how truly awful this must be for them.
Again, neurodivergence is NOT a pass. The kid is 10. They can simply cut off his internet access to the red pill crap he is absorbing. He learned that crap somewhere and its likely from the permissive approach they have taken with his connectivity. No 10 year old regardless of neurodivergence - ESPECIALLY with neuodivergence - should be permitted freedom on the internet. If you wouldn't allow your kid in a dark warehouse unsupervised you should not allow them unfettered internet access.
NTA but don’t cut your mom out completely. Be super honest about the misogyny and make sure she understands your uncomfortable about your stepbrothers feelings about men and women and those feelings come from somewhere. She needs to take a good long look at her husband and see if he, even covertly, feels the way his son does. That type of mindset doesn’t just happen, it’s exemplified, he got it from somewhere.
Right now I kind of need to cut her out completely. It's impossible to talk to her and I feel completely let down since she was so okay with so much happening.
Sending her this post, as an explanation might help 😉
Glad you're out of that house, OP. They didn't want to parent their kid, and they put it on you to be a rolemodel (or better object of utter obsession) for the stepbrother, and the protector of the stepsisters. 'The brother who isn't an AH to them'. The bar is in hell.
And your feelings are totally valid and whatever you choose to do should be what’s right for you.
Send her a link to this. Send it to her and tell her you will talk with her ONLY after she and your step dad read all of the responses and have a plan for how to safeguard the girls and you from his behavior. ONLY after they have read everything and have a plan. Not one minute before hand.
You could try to make arrangements to meet her somewhere in public. Need to let her know if she brings any of the steps, you will leave. If she tries to guilt you into a relationship with the steps, you will leave. This is only about the two of you no discussions about the steps or you will leave.
That's if his mother will see him apart from this boy. He has already told her he isn't coming over there anymore.
I do assume that they will speak again whether or not that’s in person is up to the OP. But he did not mention going no contact with his mom.
OP said he would never go back to the house. This means mom will have to see him away from the house and time will tell if she is willing to do that. I hope she does but I have a feeling she won't. She puts all of them before her own child. OP made it very clear he wants zero to do with the rest of them.
It’s so disturbing to me because his attitude is not related to his neurodivergent issues at all. He’s just an asshole and his dad is using the neurodivergence as an excuse to not parent him properly.
100% not your responsibility to deal with. Your mom chose this new family, you did not.
Have you considered contacting child protection for the girls sake?
They don't sound safe in that environment. I know it's not your responsibility, and there's no pressure from me.
However you might be the only one that knows.
I never did because the school knows and gets involved semi-regularly so I expect them to call if needed.
Keep in mind the school doesn't know what happens at home. You have that insight. CPS would put weight behind what you tell them.
I will word this carefully.
If you say the right things to the right teacher at school, then CPS will get involved, and possibly the police if necessary, before you get home from school, and nobody will tell them that you said anything.
Like others have said, the school might not know the full scope BUT it is absolutely not your responsibility. Regardless of that, they are mandated reporters and are required by law to report suspected abuse in the household. If they are in the office constantly already about their brother it's the failing of the school and they may be liable if something happens to the girls. It's a really shitty situation to be in.
Tell your mom quite clearly, in simple language, that if she keeps this sh1t up, you WILL tell the 10 year old what you think of him and let her deal with the fallout and then you will cut them all off, including her, and never see or speak to her again. Ask her if that's really what she wants?
This is a cps call. Those poor girls having to live with this nutter.
NTA. Your mom is the biggest ahole for not protecting her daughters
NTA.
So sorry your stepdad is a misogynistic loser who's enabling an AH to claim autism is the reason for his woman hating ways turning him into an incel, at his tender young age.
And your mom is just going along with it, apologizing for that loser and his soon to be criminal son, instead of protecting you like a real mother would.
She needs to see this thread because she's an AH, stepdad is an AH, step bro is an AH.
When is she gonna woman up and leave that useless guy who treats her like a doormat? Or is she so spineless she can't stand up for you, herself or the step sisters?
kids with neuro behavior issues, need set bounderies and punishments for bad behvaior they are setting him up to be a danger to others.
and yes i can say this from experince because my family has alot of neuro issues. ADHD, ODD, Austism and Bipolar disorder- and the thing they all have in common, they need set and clear lines of what they can and can't do. this kid will end up in jail.
And where did he 'learn' those disgusting things about girls/women? Your mother will find out .... FAFO. NTA
Your mom and step dad were slowly trying to make your step brother’s care taker.
I’m glad you have your father’s house to get away.
NTA
Yeah. The moment a kid has to give up personal space, comfort, and emotional health to keep the peace, the adults have failed. OP did what the adults should have done long ago.
Seriously, those poor girls are probably counting down the days till they turn 18 and can disappear. Mom and stepdad basically handed their son a lifetime pass to be a spoiled menace. Give it a few years and he’s either still living in their basement playing victim, or calling collect from jail. Massive parenting fail all around.
At this rate, he might need a GPS just to find his daughters after they escape! And let's be real, if your stepbrother thinks he's going to be the next big reality TV star from jail, he might want to rethink his life choices. NTA all the way run like the wind, girls!
I read a few comments and none is saying this…but he learned that shit about women from someone close…like…his father…
Totally agree, OP! The kid's been through enough and has every right to want peace in his own space. If the adults can’t respect that, that’s on them. Nobody should be forced into a “blended” family situation that’s just making them miserable. You made the right call, 100%
OP choosing to prioritize your peace and mental health over forced bonding with someone who disrespects your boundaries isn’t selfish it’s survival. You’re not rejecting family, you’re just rejecting drama.
She is probably really mad cause now she will have to pay child support . Do what makes you happy . You can still visit after school Or Saturday . You don’t need her out of your life unless she make it unbearable
He said he isn't going over there anymore. That's what he told his mom.
I know but a visit to see her or meet for lunch somewhere . Doesn’t sound like she was mean to him . Just hate this relationship being over
WTH do you call forcing him to deal with her stepsons bullshit? She's doing what so many parents (and steps) do: burning OP to keep the other kid warm.
He’s 16 stepson 10, sure he is a pain in the ass, but also think a 16 year old would rather be with one person ( dad) and quiet house . Still Think he should still see his mom . He was living both places so he chose the dads which is fine.
That's if mom will meet him away from the home. I seriously doubt she will. She has put her husband and this kid over OP. I hope I am wrong but I doubt she will go out of her way to see OP. She will try to force him to come to the house.