I (29F) and my husband (35M) are part of a close group of friends. We’re all in our late-twenties to mid-thirties, most of us are married or in serious relationships, and we usually celebrate birthdays together. The usual setup has always been that the birthday person hosts and pays for everyone.
But about a year ago, this weird new tradition started. For each birthday, someone opens a WhatsApp group and says, “Let’s all chip in for this really expensive gift.” We’re talking about things like Hermes flip-flops, Formula 1 tickets, Gucci bags. It’s all very public and a bit uncomfortable to say no. My husband and I have always gone along with it, even though it’s felt a bit much at times. For example, we paid around €300 towards a €1,500 Formula 1 ticket for my husband’s best friend, let’s call him Tom.
At the time, it felt okay. But now things are different. We’re already parents to one child, we’re trying for a second, and we just opened a new business which we fully funded from our own savings. Everyone in the group knows this, including Tom. We’re doing fine financially, but we’re definitely being more careful. These expensive group gifts are not something we feel comfortable doing anymore.
A few weeks ago it was my husband’s birthday. One of the friends asked if I was going to open a WhatsApp group for a gift. I said no. My husband didn’t want anything. We hosted everyone for a pool party, paid for everything ourselves, and were happy to do it. For the record, Tom gave my husband a nice bottle of tequila worth around €100. We appreciated it. I’m not complaining at all. I’ve never judged or compared gifts, and I’ve been genuinely grateful for every single one, no matter the price.
Two weeks later, it was Tom’s girlfriend’s birthday. He opened a group chat and said she would like a Gucci bag. I told my husband I didn’t want to participate in this one. He agreed. We didn’t reply in the group, but we bought her a €120 massage voucher as a gift.
Her birthday was held at a really fancy and expensive beach restaurant. We went, enjoyed the event, had fun and made sure the birthday girl had a blast. A few days later, Tom wrote in the group that the bill was €3,000 and said that if anyone would like to contribute, they could.
I told my husband I didn’t want to chip in. We didn’t choose the place. We gave her a gift. And again, we’re being more mindful about money right now. He obviously agreed.
Then Tom messaged my husband privately and said he expected us to help with the dinner bill since we didn’t join the group gift. He said our €100 gift wasn’t enough, brought up the fact that we had always participated before, including for his Formula 1 ticket, and said we were being jerks for not pitching in at all this time.
I honestly don’t understand it. I’ve never once complained about the gifts we got. I’ve always been thankful. But suddenly we’re being labeled as the rude ones just because we made a different choice this time based on our current situation.
TL;DR: Our friend group does expensive group gifts and dinners for birthdays. We used to join in, but now that we have a kid, are trying for a second, and just opened a self-funded business, we’re being more careful. We didn’t pitch in for a Gucci bag or a €3,000 dinner at one friend’s girlfriend’s birthday. Gave a €100 gift instead. Now we’re being called jerks.
NTA You can tell him that you are opting out of the tradition and since you already had a birthday and didn’t ask anyone to pay that’s the proof.
I think ...unfortunately...with many if these entitled, greedy people, you need to spell it out.
You should have opened a group chat for your husband and explained your situation and said whatever you want to bring is fine but we are opting out of these gifts for now and still look forward to celebrating with everyone...see you at our party.
Subtle doesn't work on the clueless.
There's none so blind as those that refuse to see.
That's a great quote. Ima steal it.
Be proactive and walk out on them first cos it sure sounds like they'll walk out on you once you assert yourself
Clueless? you mean brazen, right?
People who want to spend other people's money are just not needed in life.
100%, if they hosted their own party and didn’t expect anything from the group, it’s wild for anyone to act entitled later and tbh people forget generosity isn’t a subscription service :))
Priorities change as time goes by. They need to understand that. When they start having babies they’ll see it changes things.
“Generosity isn’t a subscription service” Good one! Tucking that away for future use.
It's a huge financial ask; not everyone can keep up with those expensive traditions.
Even if you can keep up with expensive traditions this one was doomed to fail. What started from friendship and generosity became an ambiguous obligation with an open ended amount.
It is way more gauche for her to accuse you of being broke than for you to politely decline an excessive birthday tradition.
Totally agree. OP set clear boundaries and still gave a generous gift. They didn’t owe anyone extra, especially not for a party they didn’t plan. People acting entitled to other folks’ wallets is wild.
I would agree with this except the clear boundaries part. They never told anyone in the group they were going to opt out of the gift contributions. They had participated before then just stopped without telling anyone. It's fine, they didn't HAVE to tell anyone but they definitely didn't set clear boundaries beforehand.
They don’t offer money in the group text. Not sure how much clearer you can be.
Absolutely nailed it. OP already gave a thoughtful gift and was transparent about not joining in on the over the top tradition. No one should be guilt-tripped into spending beyond their limits just to keep up appearances.
Or, when OP or OP's husband's birthday next rolls around, say that what they really want is $20,000 in cash, then send everyone a Venmo request.
I’d tell him that you got her a gift that was worth more than what he got your husband for his birthday. If he can’t afford to host a birthday dinner he should choose somewhere in his budget.
Who ever heard of a party host asking the guests to pay for the dinner?
You nailed it. Traditions should not become obligations. People’s budgets change, and no one should be guilted for not blowing hundreds on every birthday.
Since you participated, you kinda have to inform that you're withdrawing. You helped set the expectations by previously participating, so you have to tell them you're out.
NTA! Just tell him you’re opting out of the tradition like it’s a bad haircut. You already had your birthday no need to pay for someone else’s party when you can just enjoy the cake in peace!
Or go you’re right, I’m sorry my husband would now like 10k tickets to travel to USA for vacation. Let’s chip in, it’s a surprise. You first Tom.
" Im sorry you feel that way. Our situation has changed, and our finances are important to us, especially now we have our business and dependents. We didn't ask for something for my husband's birthday and footed the cost, we are happy not to receive gifts, but we can not afford to shell out $500-1000 for every birthday. If you all wish to continue this amongst yourselves, we obviously dont mind, but please don't pressure us. "
NTA
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I would suspect that there are probably several more friends in that group that will also opt out of these lavish friend group “co-funded” gifts and dinners. Probably the ones in the more serious relationships and friends with children.
Be the trailblazer in the group!! I think you’ll be surprised
I thought the same thing. There will likely be other friends that think, "Oh, thank God!" Because they weren't comfortable speaking up.
Exactly this, OP! You handled it with more grace than most people would in that situation. People love generosity until it stops benefitting them directly. You're not obligated to bankrupt yourself to keep up with some ridiculous group tradition. You were still thoughtful and gave a gift, that should’ve been enough.
Or tell them OP's husband has a gambling addiction and they're now broke. For some reason being broke shuts down a lot of requests for money.
This needs to go out to everyone in the group NOW. Don’t wait until the next birthday!
UPDATE
After reading all the comments here, we realized we might not have been as clear as we thought. So we decided to write a message in the group chat with all our friends:
"Hi guys, first of all, we love you all. Just wanted to say we’re no longer participating in the group gift tradition. With our growing family and the new business, we’re trying to be more mindful with money. We’ll always celebrate you in our own way. Thanks for understanding.”
Everyone in the group were super supportive and said they understood completely. Everyone decided to just stop this tradition and go back to just celebrating eachother's special day.
Then, privately, one couple reached out to us and said they’re currently going through IVF (which is super expensive) and have also felt uncomfortable with the pressure but didn’t know how to say it. They were relieved we spoke up.
Tom, on the other hand, texted my husband saying the message felt passive aggressive and like we were throwing shade. His girlfriend messaged me saying we should have just said privately that we “don’t have the money” and that now we’ve ruined the tradition for everyone. She doesn’t know about the other couple.
I told her, “Well, my birthday is coming up and I want a trip to Thailand for my whole family.” No answer, obviously.
It stirred things up a bit, but it also helped more people feel comfortable. So I think it was worth it.
Good for you. Tom is obviously a spoiled brat and so is his a counterpart. Let them give each other lavish gifts, no one said they have to stop. It was kismet that you spoke up, now you’re helping another couple save money too. Some will always see change as an adversary, and others will have trouble seeing anything but good in their own ideas. Finding the balance is key. Best of luck with your new business and your growing family.
Is this the same friend that was rude to your parents?
Hahaha I can't believe you made the connection but YES! He apologized (sort of), they went on with their lives... and now this
He also ruined your wedding. Why do you still have him around?
Sounds like Tom might be the issue in the group tbh
It was a stupid tradition. Good that it stopped.
It makes way more sense for the birthday person to just host a party and pay for it all. Can be a relative cheap one like barbecue with inexpensive meat in the garden or on the other hand going to a fancy restaurant. That should be the decision of the one celebrating. Or the one having a birthday can even decide not to celebrate at all.
And then the guests can decide if they go to the party at all and what they want to gift. That might depend on their income. It might also depend a bit on how expensive the party is the birthday person throws. I might be a bit more generous with someone inviting me to a fancy restaurant than with someone whose party consists of an afternoon with self baked cake. Not that the last one is bad or anything, but it would be clearly way cheaper than a fancy restaurant.
Give Tom $20
To match the 120 gift + not helping for your birthday party costs.
Then directly say "we are even now, and I'd like our relationship to move away from a transactional one"
OP + husband are the ones who paid $120 for Tom's gf's gift, so he would have to pay them to be even. Apparently his own gift doesn't meet his own threshold for "appropriate(ly valuable)" gifts. which should really say something about what kind of person he is and how he feels about OP's husband.
NTA you friends want to pretend to be rich off your pocket, it's pathetic and silly and I also wouldn't participate. Begging for assigned gifts is tacky, varuca salt behavior.
But I want an Hermes Oompah Loompah NOW!!
Doing what "Tom" did is just bad manners. If I am hosting a get together I PAY. I certainly wouldn't dream of asking other people to cough up and say that the gift they sent wasn't expensive enough.
On my last birthday I received a beautiful teapot, a selection of teas from all over the world and my favourite biscuits. My family chose these things because they knew I'd love them. My Grandma also said she'd buy me three e-books of my choice.
I was very grateful. It's not about the monetary value. Or at least it shouldn't be.
The world is so materialistic these days, it's sad.
Not only is the world driven by consumerism, seems that every event, even a dang nap is staged and posted online to show what perfect lives I'm missing out on.
Yes, I saw a fake nap posted the other day. She was napping with perfect hair, make up, and new engagement ring for all to see. It's nauseating and they don't know people are laughing at them behind their backs for their phoniness.
NtA.
Chipping in for the gift AND the festivities? At that price point? I would be too embarrassed to even ask.
And tom complaining about your gift while gifting a 100$ tequila while knowing that your contribution to his gift was 300$ is rich.
My man opening a WhatsApp group to crowdfund my Gucci bag would be my 13th reason why😭😫
That part got me too. Got me wondering if Tom started this tradition and whether his GF is part of the WhatsApp group. Because like you I would be hella embarrassed that my man had to crowdfund my birthday gift from his friends.
Tom's gf is actually the one that started the whole thing with his F1 ticket
There’s your answer. Tom & his bougie GF are grifters
just be happy she didn't ask for a car..the damn cheek..this is why I dont people
F1 ticket? Fuck that. I want my own racing team!
What were the gifts they got you guys during this whole gift crowdfunding expedition(not including the alcohol)? Because if the price of the things they got for the both of you doesn't match anywhere near the price of any of the gifts you've gotten for them, it looks very shifty and I'm going to believe they're tossing you crumbs in return for pricier stuff.
Nothing tbh, it started in January. My husband’s bday is in July and mine is in Nov
Wait hold up so the only crowdfunded gifts have been Tom and his GF’s?
Bro used his friends to buy expensive gifts for himself. What an asshole lmao
Oh everything makes sense now 😭
Now how am I to carry and enjoy this bag knowing my friends had to skip out on snacks and treats for their kids … 😭😭 bring back shame and manners. People don’t get embarrassed enough for me anymore 🤣
UPDATE #2 AND IT'S A HILARIOUS ONE
We've been trying to figure out who keeps logging into our tv streaming service (we live in Europe and the streaming service is to watch tv from our home country - we pay about 280€ a year for it and can only use it on 2 devices at once, we kept being logged out of our living room tv). TURNS OUT TOM WAS USING IT SINCE MY HUSBAND LOGGED IN AT HIS HOUSE A YEAR AGO.
Guess we're even lol
Change the password so he can't log on.
Done now, for sure
NTA. Possibly time to look for a new friend group. Possibly one that also has children and doesn't throw around other people's money so willingly.
This might be the future realistically anyway. It’s very hard to maintain relationships when you have children and your friends don’t. And this situation is so weird it would be like lightning striking twice if it happened again.
But I thought the Birthday haver paid for the dinner? If Tom's GF couldn't pay for a €3000 dinner she shouldn't have held one.
NTA. But Tom sure is by unilaterally changing the tradition to now demand the guests pay for dinner. I wonder how the rest of the friend group feel about this new change? 'Cuz if I'm suddenly pitching in for an expensive dinner I'm NOT pitching in for an expensive gift.
Me thinks Tom doesn't have as much money as he is pretending.
Didn’t Tom spend only €100 on your husband’s tequila?
NTA. Life got more expensive as your family grows. Totally OK to not participate.
They’re also trying to grow a business 😭 first 3-5 years of a new business are hell, everyone should know that😫😫 I feel bad for OP.
You may be outgrowing your friend group.
NTA. Your husband should explain to Tom that you don't have that sort of money spare, and that's why you didn't ask for a big present for your husband's birthday and why you had your party at home.
You and your husband could open a WhatsApp group with everyone and say that while you have enjoyed pitching in with the extravagant present giving in the past, your circumstances and priorities have changed. You will contribute a birthday present according to your budget and when going out to celebrate will pay your own way and not expect the birthday person to pay for you because you will not be able to reciprocate paying for everyone. I'm quite willing to bet that others in the friendship group would be relieved that someone is speaking up first and will back you up.
"He said our €100 gift wasn’t enough"
aah and directly blocked on all accounts...
NTA
NTA. The concept of friendship isn't about keeping a tab on expensive gifts, it's about understanding and respecting each other's situations. It sounds like Tom finds it hard to grasp this.
NTA. Gifts and contribution should be voluntary, not an obligation or a competition. Human relationships shouldn't be defined by the price tags of the gifts we give or receive.
why are y’all being around the bush? imo that’s whag makes you assholes.
You did something consistently and now instead of telling them you don’t want to join in anymore your just going dark.
I really don’t understand adult birthdays being such a deal, you’re not 5!
Whose idea was this, initially? Asking your friends to cover the bill for a three thousand dollar party and a designer bag that probably costs around the same is wildly selfish and unrealistic. I can't believe people are going along with this. At some point your "friends" need to grow tf up and realize they can't have a new pony every single year.
Edit NTA
ESH. You could have been upfront about stopping these traditions instead of giving a voucher separately. They probably feel the hosting is expensive so they want an expensive gift - which makes 0 sense.
If you paid €300 towards a €1,500 gift, that means you're 20% of the friend group which means there are 10 of you. A €3000 dinner means €300 per person. I've been to plenty of high end restaurants, and unless you're at a Michelin star restaurant with an expensive wine pairing, you have to work to spend that kind of money. I don't know what a Gucci bag costs, but let's just say €3000 as well. That's another €300 per person.
Let's play that math out across the year. 10 birthdays x €6000 (meal + present) = €60.000 spent per year by your friend group just on birthday celebrations and presents. I'm in the US so I don't know what kind of tax you have to pay on your salary to net €60k, but let's call it 40%. That's €100k in salary just to keep this going.
Does that sound like a reasonable use of that much money? Even if you're all very well-to-do, this is how high earning people still live paycheck to paycheck.
The restaurant you would have to cover your own bill, the rest of it, not liable for any additions. Dafuq Gucci bag, get bent.
You need to be more upfront with your group of friends. Say something like Hey Guys-due to starting a new business we won’t be participating in group gifts for the rest of the year. We will evaluate where we are in January and let you know
Also, if you went to an expensive restaurant you should probably kick in to the cost of the meal
No don’t even open the door to reevaluate again next year. “We would not be participating in group gifts from now on.” That’s it, that’s all. There shouldn’t even be a promise of getting them a gift in the future…who does that? I have never once had to tell my friends that i promise i will get them a gift. When the birthday comes I just buy something based on my budget and take them somewhere also based on my budget.
Also disagree on paying for the restaurant simply because up to this moment the birthday person paid for everyone else (weird imo but their tradition). If the dynamic will change now that’s fine but it should be discussed beforehand. Like she said, for her husband’s birthday they threw an entire party which I assume costed around the same price than the restaurant they were taken now. So they paid for the party for everyone and now have to pay for the meal for the other person’s “party” without a warning? Hell no. They should have been told and given the opportunity to say yes or no to it.
NTA.
It's always sad when friendships run their course. It sounds like this is what happened here. It's best to just block these people and focus on your own matters.
You need better friends.
Are these people seriously friends or simply “acquaintances“ with a taste for the highlife ?
As for the text saying $100 isn’t enough and you are jerks, that shows them up a grifters.
I’m more surprised people have The audacity to ask such things, id never speak to the guy again.
NTA
Maybe it’s just me, but your group of friends sounds like a nightmare. Like, straight up hell.
NTA. Gifts are not mandatory. but can I ask if you were going to spend $150 on a gift card why not just put the $150 on the gift request instead? Is it not the same thing?
If anything:
a. You should publicly declare to the group that, at this stage of your lives, you will no longer be able to participate in the gift-giving when the gifts exceed a certain amount, and
b. Offer to pay for your own dinners when you dine out as a group rather than to chip in on the entire bill.
Chances are there are others in the group who feel the same way. If you get pushback for this, then it's time to ask if you really want to be part of the group anymore.
You're all idiots.
lol🤣 straight to the point.
NTA You no longer have to participate in these celebrations. Your milestone is approaching, just do something low-key with your husband and your child. That's your life now as financially responsible parents. Also, Tom should have told everyone beforehand what the expectation is. Tom and your husband can go out for a few beers on the next birthday while Tom celebrates his extravagant birthday getting a WhatsApp/GoFundMe Porsche with his other.
Your family is no longer on the same path as this friend group and it's okay. You will miss them BUT you will make other friends that are on the same path as you.
This gift thing is getting out of hand, either you all talk about it to put an end to it or you dissociate yourselves from this group.
NTA. Not wanting to receive without giving was why you opted to skip the group gift for your hubby and host your own party. Which is what you should state to Tom.
Sounds like Tom is having money troubles and trying to hide them from his new gf by making them your problem. But how dare he say your gift ‘wasn’t enough’? That’s so tacky.
So Tom needed his friends to fund his girlfriend’s €3k birthday dinner and €1k-3k Gucci purse?? If he’s broke, he can just admit it
Also, that tradition sucks because there’s no reasonable limit set on it.
NTA
NTA they sound immature and honestly spending so much money on dumb shit if you can't really afford it is pretty lame
You paid $300 on a $1500 gift which implies you’re paying a fifth, so now they want $600 on a $3000 gift. It’s getting out of hand, just say no you want no part of it.NTA
So you didn’t actually tell anyone that you weren’t going to participate in this anymore? Why didn’t you just say something?Ngl it’s really frustrating that so many posts in this sub are just OPs failure to communicate at a basic level
NTA. I am positive most of the others would be relieved to have someone put a stop to this nonsense. It is turning friendship into a membership club.
ESH - you should’ve been more upfront about how uncomfortable it made you. Your friend is probably confused. Also I’d discourage you guys from giving gifts with clear cash equivalents ($120 massage voucher seems cheap after formula 1 tickets was set as the expectation lol). If anything maybe they thought you chipping in $120 for this Gucci bag or whatever would’ve been better. Next time either pick a gift that’s a little more thoughtful, or a nice bottle of liquor like Tom gave is an easy gift. I suck at giving gifts but I know Vouchers are tacky in some situations - like you might as well be giving cash and you clearly didn’t think about it very much. Trading $$ for thoughtfulness is the move here.
I stopped my wife from going to this expensive restaurants to celebrate her friends birthdays. Same crap, they expect you to put money together for a present and then I’m having to pay for an expensive bill of a restaurant that I will never go to.
The mistake here was in the lack of communication ahead of time.
ESH - Yes, this is an obnoxious practice and making people feel pressured to participate is also obnoxious. At the same time, you are grownups and grownups sometimes have to do uncomfortable, awkward things, like make it clear in advance that they will no longer participate in a system they have regularly participated in.
It’s so silly to have this level of gifting as adults. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a very nice thought, but it shouldn’t be something that expensive every year.
CLARIFICATION
We had absolutely no problem paying for our meal - but for the past decade, the birthday person always paid for the lunch/dinner. We only found out about the high bill a few days later. None of us ever asked anyone else in the dinner party to pay.
When we were still young and couldn't afford it - we used to host at home.
NTA. These so-called friends should have followed your lead. Find better friends because these people only care about money.
ESH - $3000 dinners? $1500 sporting event tickets? Talk about the problems of the 1%.
Tom sure likes spending other people's money! A hundred bucks is fine when it's his gift but he's expecting hundreds and thousands for him and his gf? he can gtfo
NTA I've had friends like TOM. it's not really him speaking. It's his girlfriend.
And I would bet that the new "tradition" idea from her with the specific purpose in mind of getting free expensve stuff. Keep doing what you are doing!!!
Do you really want to remain friends with these snobby assholes who feel entitled to your money?
ESH. You could have been upfront about stopping these traditions instead of giving a voucher separately. They probably feel the hosting is expensive so they want an expensive gift - which makes 0 sense.
What the hell kind of elitist crap is this?
Tom - and the whole group TBH - sound like they need a reality check. Fancy dinners and extravagant group gifts sound so pretentious. Life changes, as do financial circumstances. Either your friendship group goes back to what it was before this ‘weird new tradition’ started, or you move on and find new friends who aren’t quite so stuck up.
I think ESH - your friendship group for honouring an expensive and unsustainable ‘rich person’ tradition, Tom for being selfish and unreasonable, his girlfriend of who knows how long for wanting the best of everything on everyone else’s coin, and you and your husband for not communicating.
I think you’ve outgrown your group of friends to be honest. Don’t know the others but it’s time to distance yourself from Tom. These are core values , and I admire yours. Keep them as they’re worth more than the Gucci bag or demand to participate to “show off” life of theirs.
When will the insanity stop? Will it be every birthday for every year for the rest of your lives? What happens when someone asks for a $15,000 Hermes bag?
I get where you're commin' from but just reply in the group chat
"Hey, this is awesome but sadly because of our kid, business and other stuff we can't really be doing this anymore. Cherrios"
And it´s over.
ok - obviously NTA - there isn't an admission price to a friend group...
I think to resolve it - you need to start a chat saying that the luxury gift idea isn't sustainable. of course you have to do it at a time when its not too close to anybody's bday so it doesn't feel like youre singling them out....
Then to make it fair to everybody involved, have an itinerary so that everybody in the core group gets 1 nice bday - then it stops...
luxury bdays etc should be for big things like turning 40 or 50, getting married, etc so that they are memorable.
Sounds like Tom was supplementing his gf’s gift with his friend’s money.
The whole idea smells like someone in the group managed to subsidize his or her expensive lifestyle and making it into a cultish behavior out of social pressure. It sounds innocent at first, until the magnitude of the gifts and dinners become more lavish. I can sense someone in the group tries to one up each time.
NTA, and you should be glad you and your husband are out of this game.
Did you pay for your own meals at the dinner?
Omg NTA. People need to understand that money doesn’t fall out of the sky. 😓 wtf is wrong with others. Just say you have other important things to put money towards and it isn’t in your range. Even at that, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
These are not your friends. They are ungrateful horrible leeches. Time to cut them out of your life. Tom is a piece of shit and the way he's treating you is NOT how you treat friends. I can't believe he had the audacity to say what you gave wasn't enough. Fuck him! Update us when you've cut them off.
I'd have waited until everyone had their birthday gift for that year/round and then made it clear we're out. But, if the gifts came about as an offset to the party costs then you shouldn't attend.
Yall are weird and have more money than sense
NTA, but it would have been better to tell everyone clearly ahead of time that you needed to start opting out of these expensive gifts. If you have gone along with it all this time I can see why there might be an assumption that you were planning to continue.
ESH. If you’re going to stop doing a longstanding tradition, you need to tell the group instead of assume they know your financial situation has changed.
The longstanding tradition was that the birthday person paid for the dinner and people gifted them independently. This greedy guts whatsapp behavior is so new it hasn't even rolled around to everyone's birthday yet.
So when Tom asked you if you were going to do a whatsapp for your husband's birthday you should have said "no. We aren't participating in that tradition anymore so won't be asking for donations and we won't be making any in future. We will purchase individual gifts"
YTA
Info: did you tell everyone that you wouldn't be participating moving forward prior to the event?
This is the difference between YTA and NTA
💯
What a crazy friend group. Like is the person getting the gift still in the group when other people discuss it?
Who the fuck asks for $3000 gift in such a situation. Tom and his GF can dream all they want, no one’s obligated to giving this ridiculous request.
You should tell them you’re out and leave the group chat. Maintain friendships where possible but anyone who only cares about the money are friends you can stand to lose!
NTA, it’s nice when a group of people do chip in for birthdays but I would say it’s only really needed when it’s a big birthday like a 21st or 30th. The fact your group of friends are doing this for everyone’s birthdays every year is just crazy and it’s not even that they’re asking, they’re demanding these extremely overpriced gifts. Tell them you’re no longer interested in contributing to the presents and if they don’t accept that then tell them you’re no longer interested in being in the friend group
NTA
Tom is being ridiculous. I’m sure lots of others in your friendship group are over this silly tradition. Time to retire it.
NTA, it seems they want to benefit from friends generosity
I would end that ASAP
Hermes slippers eh ? Jeez. Unfortunately, your friend group is still stuck in some teenage level drama and a search for identity through buying pathetic little status symbols. NTA, but you are at an age when people start to drift apart and making friends becomes harder, so think carefully how to navigate this.
Don’t ask people to pay for gifts you can’t afford. I didn’t ask anyone to chip in for my wife’s Gucci or Louis Vuitton shit. Some people are so god damn cheap
Let me get this straight, they know yall are trying to save and still are demanding money. These are not friends.
NTA, of course. These are the kinds of people who are going to be in real trouble in hard economic times. You never honestly know when there’s gonna be a downturn, if you are already spending more than you can afford when one hits, you could lose your home, or be allowed to keep it but forced to declare bankruptcy and owe everything you earn over the next 10 years to the bank. It happens, so far three times in my lifetime, and it’s always worse for the big spenders who were already carrying debt. Anyone who expects other people to buy them a Gucci bag can’t afford the life that they are trying to live. It’s smart of you not to get involved in that but if you think they’re pissed at you now wait till they run into some kind of trouble and suddenly they’re underwater financially and you’re not. They’re gonna call you out as selfish.
Time to say good bye to the birthday group
You need a whats app group to be like.... Yo this bday shit has gotten out of control
I wouldn't have gone to the restaurant, as you had to have a pretty good idea that Tom was going to pull this. IF you decide to contribute, this would be the last outing I would make with this group. It is so beyond the pale to ask your so-called friends to contribute to a €3000 designer bag. I'd be embarrassed to use it! NTA, but I guess you could have warned him first. Maybe he would have chosen a less expensive bag in that case.
I think it’s time to send the group a note stating that you and husband cannot afford to contribute to such lavish gifts and if the others wish to continue then you’ll understand if they no longer wish for you to attend the parties.
It’s up to you both if you want to say cannot afford or phrase it as moving into next chapter of our lives and giving such large financial gifts is not sustainable, or say how about as we’ve grown as adults let’s donate to a charity, etc.
Girl, you have one child and another on the way. You need to be saving every penny for your family and your future.
NTA. This is why I don't do gifts. It gets out of hand. The most my group does is buy a drink or split a meal between everyone who is there, so like $5/ person. This thousands of dollars thing is ridiculous unless you're willing to cover it all.
For my last big birthday I rented a house in Croatia for a week and invited a dozen friends. I paid for the house and a group excursion to a national park and wine tasting the first day as a thank you for celebrating with me. After that we all did our own things. Just the thought of my friends spending thousands on me makes me cringe so hard.
In the group chat, tell your friends you are opting out of the expensive gift giving due to your changed financial circumstances. You need to use any “extra” funds (if any) toward your growing family and new business. Tell your friends you expect no expensive gifts for you and you understand if you aren’t invited to any more birthday celebrations. I bet that opens the flood gates of other like minded friends who would also like to opt out.
Tell them you are sorry, but your financial situation has changed and you can no longer afford to participate in expensive group buys.
If that costs you friends then they weren't really friends in the first place.
Excellent point! It seems odd to me that even after receiving OPs gift, Tom is asking for them to also contribute to the group gift and also help pay for the dinner.
I wouldn’t be able to be friends with people like this. When you’re financially on different pages, people should understand when things change, and not be expecting such lavish gifts requiring large donations. Nope. No way. We already have way too much mindless consumerism. Just think how much all of these donations cost you every year. If your friend group is quite large, then you end up spending a lot more than you probably would like to. I hate being expected to fork out money that I wouldn’t even spend on myself, just to fit in with the group, or to not rock the boat. These days, money is not easy to come by or easy to make stretch, especially on grown ups who can get things for themselves if they really want it. They shouldn’t be expecting other people to shell out gifts of $100 dollars or more! That’s way too much in my opinion and based on what I can afford. The point is, you shouldn’t have to be spending so much money for friendships when you have a family and life of your own to support.
After calling your $120 gift "not enough" I'd nope out of all birthday gifts going forward. I'll get you a $25 gift card, but that's all I'm willing to offer.
Or you could come up with a birthday cap rule. Set an amount you're comfortable with and that's what everyone gets every birthday no matter what.
For me, everyone gets $50 worth of gifts, gift cards, or experience gifts for their birthday.
NTA, but perhaps you should have made it clearer that you wanted to opt out of this sort of arrangement, especially as you had participated in them in the past.
So I'd pay up this time, but let them know you don't want to continue with this in the future as it's too expensive for you, and have other priorities for your money. Instead you will privately give gifts and join them in a meal or drinks out if it's not too expensive.
And of course they're all welcome at your next birthday bash.
What's up with this group for expensive gifts? This is some ridiculous high school crap. Definitely NTA.
"He said our 100 gift wasn't enough."
"They're called gifts, not requirements. If you're going to start demanding a specific price tag for a gift and restaurant we have no say in, then we will opt out going forward." NTA.
Stop going to these group events. If you actually want to be friends with any of these folks (not sure why you would), see them one on one or in smaller groups and not for special events. Have your husband tell Tom that he didn't realize that they had to pay to be friends with Tom and his gf and that since you have a family to support, you will be opting out. Again, stop going to these events and remove yourselves from any group chats.
NTA but your friend group is changing.
Wait, have a new open for business party and ask for cash and gifts to help your business along first then stop the ridiculous gift party giving pyramid schemes. Just kidding. Just opt out.
NTA
I would be curious though if the other friends are relieved that someone said no more first. It seems like the expenses keep going up.
What’s next? A Lamborghini on someone’s 40th birthday?
NTA - Open up a group chat and tell the group, these gifts are getting out of hand, and you will not be participating in the gifts. If everyone wants to go back to the old way, you would be happy to join in the future.
You should have made clear that you were gonna pay for your own food and drink. I dont believe you mentioned that. Did you make it clear that you were not gonna be participating in those expensive gift giving?
NTA
time to message the group chat saying it’s no longer financially prudent for you guys to keep up with the tradition. Your family is growing, and your priorities to shift to closer to home.
I’ll bet you any money, ass soon as you step up, almost everyone else will too. Because that’s garbage.
ESH - you and your husband for your lack of communication and Tom for blindly expecting your contribution and his shitty response to your refusal to contribute.
ESH, though it is more like “everything” sucks here, rather than “everyone.”
The pay for your own birthday sucks. The chip in or be shamed sucks. And the general imbalance of this entire party/gift system sucks. People have wildly different incomes and expenses, that is never gonna work without someone feeling embarrassed or disappointed.
NTA. My husbands friend group does this - but the rules are more reasonable. You contribute what you CAN, and the partner of the birthday person takes care of the rest. No pressure to the friends. The partner also usually chooses the gift (with input from the rest and within reason and budget limits to the value of the gift - think 500€ max).
We also have an unofficial rule where if we go to dinner, if we chose the wine, we pay. Mostly because we know not everyone wants to splurge on good wine like we do.
I think you need to have an honest conversation with your husbands friend face to face - texting can lead to bad blood quickly. Stick to the facts. And then say going forward let’s set rules if you all do that…. If he’s not nice about it, then he’s not your friend.
I'm going to make a bold stance and say perhaps YTA only for a very specific pair of reasons: the precedence that was already set within your friend group that you've been complying with, and the fact that you haven't actually spelled it out to them (at least, according to your story).
You've been going along with these traditions for some time now, and suddenly pull back without explanation. You need to explicitly tell your friends that you are not participating because your budgets no longer allow it. It might be embarrassing but from their point of view they might not be aware of this. I personally find it odd that the birthday-haver is the one paying for dinner but if that's your groups tradition so be it. I'm also not sure why you'd give your friend a €120 voucher instead of the cash value towards the bag the rest of the group is already chipping for? It does seem like a weird choice as that's still quite a bit of money. I'd suggest you guys talk it out and come up with a reasonable contribution limit or change the ways you guys celebrate.
NTA- ' tom' is just being inconsiderate ,and you have very right to opt out of a silly " tradition" if it feels off and obviously too much given your financial conditions, not like it was a legal pact or smtng . Birthdays are not a - money transaction event - it's just pure intentions and well wishes - that's too rude of him to call you out and disrespect you - messaging abt that . How are they friends if they don't understand the conditions . Wasn't it obvious before planning this sort of tradition that someone could opt out if they couldn't afford it at some point of time - that's kindness and understanding .
NTA.
He's either being rude or oblivious, but in either case he's being very entitled. Your massage voucher was very appropriate IMO.
For the sake of your friendship with him and the group, it's probably worth taking a deep breath and then being blunt but as kind as possible.
"We've always contributed to these expensive gifts when we could, even when we didn't expect similarly expensive things ourselves. Unfortunately now with kids and the business we just can't do it. But we loved celebrating with you guys."
This tradition needs to stop. I would only spend that kind of money on a partner or a parent. You already broke the tradition with your husband’s birthday. So tell him that. Possibly tell the whole group that you would like to stop doing this gift contribution.
I would however pay for the entrees you ate. I don’t think you should expect him to foot your dinner bill but certainly not subsidize other people’s more expensive meals. Just pay for what you ordered.
NTA. Friendship isn't about who can gift the most expensive presents. It's about understanding and respecting each other's situations.
NTA for not joining in with the group gifts; things change. However, if you went to the event knowing it was normal to chip in, ate and drank, and now aren't chipping in, I think that's pretty bad.
NTA but I would have been upfront in the group chat that you were no longer pitching in.
I have a group of friends where we all chip in for each other’s gifts. But it’s more like €10-15 pp (most of us are pretty well off). We also don’t ‘dictate’ what we expect others to buy for us! Seems to take the joy out of it, rather! NTA!!!
NTA
So, everyone decided to play the Elite of Monte Carlo and now want everyone to join because the fantasy is too expensive...
Find new friends.
If you didn't preemptively have a conversation with your friends, you need to have one now. Make it clear that these extravagances are no longer in your budget. If you will be expected to pay for a dinner or what have you, you need to be told in advance; and from here on out you'll be dialing back on what you contribute to group gifts.
Meanwhile, regardless of finances, I can tell you: It is RUDE to bill someone after the fact for a dinner (or anything). It is RUDE to say a gift is 'not enough'.
Your friends kinda suck, OP.
Huge group gifts are so weird - absolutely not! Only exception is for major milestone birthdays, then sure I’ll chip in up to $200 for a fun gift.
NTA You should have asked for gift yourself or not and then said you won’t be participating in these anymore
NTA. Just be upfront.
"Our budget is X, we also don't expect lavish gifts from you guys since we're no longer in a position to return the favour."
You could still contribute the money to the larger gift.
You don't tell people your budget. They don't want to do it anymore because of the business they started and wanting another baby. They tell them we can no longer participate.
Wow. This friendship feels so transactional. I cannot fathom spending so much on a birthday (unless it's a significant milestone one, and even then...). I feel like it's losing the whole spirit of giving but that's my poor-arse bias talking probably and a different issue altogether. If your mate has decided to do this big thing for his partner, that's his lookout, not yours. Not unless it was agreed to by everybody beforehand but it does not appear that it was discussed. From what I can see you've always been fair and haven't taken advantage of the gifting arrangement. But I do question the wisdom of the arrangement as disputes and misunderstandings can so easily arise if everyone's not on the same page.
Should be no obligations
Setting a value on what someone can give you is so tacky. What does he mean it was not enough? You have already opted out and he was fine not giving you anything over a 100 so I am not sure why he thinks it reasonable to demand more now.
Contribute to this then publicly bow out of participating in future group gifts. You're likely not the only ones feeling that public pressure.
NTA. It’s his gf, he can pay. I hope your husband told Tom to pound sand. Your friend group has grown entitled. Who is driving this new trend within the group? I’ll bet it’s only one or two ppl (Tom, obviously being one of them).
Just be honest with your friends that you're watching your spending. Explain it once so you don't have to individually opt out of every chat.
That's some real choosy beggar energy to be demanding money from your pocket.
"I'm not obligated to chip in for anything. I'm not obligated to give you money. If you wanted to get her the gift, put in more hours or get a better paying job." I'd triple down.
These aren't friends I'd care about losing.
NTA. Circumstances can change and you're not able to pay for extravagant gifts anymore. If they don't understand that, there not friends. I find all of this very weird but I'm not rich. To me it looks like a group of people who only wants to show off towards one another who got the biggest gifts. Just be honest and if he's offended, you know enough.
Updateme
I think you need to lay out a clear boundary about these extravagant gifts and party expenses. That’s a LOT of money to be doling out multiple times a year. Others may find it rude but you need to be clear that those kinds of expenses are not really feasible for you any longer, and if you need to pay for your own food at the parties and/or abstain from the parties altogether, then you will. But no, throwing a bill at you without talking about it first is a dick move. NTA, but make sure you are very clear and firm on this stance.
This is for a GF?!
NTA. If he couldn't afford to spend 3000 euros on her birthday party, he shouldn't have spent that much in the first place. That is a really expensive amount!
NTA. You're not a bad friend for having boundaries. You're a bad friend if you don’t.
NTA - ditch the friend group.
NTA, but a conversation should have been had so everyone is aware that you have chosen not to participate
NTA, you guys either need new friends or have a heart to heart with them and explain that this needs to stop.
I would have said no from the get go. Why are adult friends giving expensive gifts to each other? That would be reserved for partners or family members.
NTA, it was never mandatory. However that being said, I would have publicly opted out in the first place to avoid this situation.
Can I ask what lines of work you and your friends are in? This seems quite excessive!
I'm a lawyer and my husband is a real estate broker (we work together and own the company), our friends are in finance/a doctor/digital marketing
NTA ... but you need to initiate a conversation with your friends about your new plan for birthdays going forward. If you have always participated in the way things were done in the past, it is reasonable that they eclectic you to continue. Open a group conversation, let them know that based on the financial needs of your family, your plan going forward is to host and pay for your own birthday parties and spend $____ on a gift for the birthday person ... that it can either be a contribution toward a group gift, or can be something you choose independently. If you can't have this conversation with your friends and set this personal boundary, they aren't true friends.
NTA
Serving you with a bill after the fact, without informing you before the event that this would be expected is not a fair friendly move.
If Tom wants to buy expensive gucci bags to his girlfriend and plan 3K dinners, that's great, but he can't expect the same level of chipping in from everyone else. It's his girlfriend, not everyone's.
If Tom was a good friend he wouldn't have stepped on multiple boundaries and calling you "jerks"?... For not paying for his ideas.
Exactly! It’s wild how quick some people are to throw labels like “jerks” when you simply set financial boundaries. OP was more than generous, and expecting anything beyond that without upfront agreement is just entitled.
I must be a bad person because assuming my affordability and planning with my money is something I can be called a jerk for and not mind. The money is mine😭😭
It sounds like Tom overestimated his means when it came to this birthday and is now attempting to recover costs. 💀💀Crowdfunding both the dinner and the gift is nasty business. Not to be misunderstood because I’m not saying the lady doesn’t deserve to be celebrated on her day. They’re more than welcome to discuss beforehand with their friends what they wish for so everyone can consider their affordability.
Splurging €3k on a dinner then hitting your guests with the bill AFTER is wild. The Gucci bag probably brings this birthday to €5k. That’s serious money😭
Second year in uni, my friend had a very horrible year; muggings, abusive relationship and lost her part-time job. Before this year, she’d been saving to throw herself a 25th birthday as a weekend away for all of us but it just wasn’t possible with all that happened. As her friends, we took the initiative to plan a weekend away for her. Contributions were not equal but everybody did what they could to make it special and that is still one of my favourite weekend aways we’ve ever done.
I'm honestly kinda surprised that the parent is organizing the friends gift/telling them what to buy. My friend group also likes to do group gifts but what usually happens is we pick an amount we all want to contribute, usually $50 a person, then see how many people what to participate in the gift, and then pick what to buy based on our budget. The budget per person can flex up to ~$100 if it's a smaller group buying, a closer friend, or there is something really cool we really want to give them, but it stays within a reasonable limit we agreed on.
honestly this has worked great over the years. We got a friend some Valentino shoes, an apple watch, etc.
One year my friends got me a nice bag but it wasn't totally my style, still lovely and I thanked them all profusely. the gift organizer showed me the bag the really wanted to give me but were a few hundred short. needless to say I fell in love with the other one, so, with the groups permission, I returned what they gave me and payed the difference to get the more expensive one and I couldn't be happier. I was thankful for their gift and happy I could cover the difference to make this happen cause I use it all the time and think of them :)