I’m 22 and married. He’s 27. We’ve been together for almost four years now. We got married super young, and honestly? I knew it’d be hard. I just didn’t think this would be the thing. When we first got together, I dropped out of college to help him get through his final year. He was struggling with bills, rent, everything and I was working two jobs just to help us survive. I figured I’d go back once things got better. Well… things did get better. He’s working full time now, we’re stable, not rich or anything, but we’re okay. So a few weeks ago, I brought it up. I said I wanted to go back to school. Finish my degree. Not just for me, but for us for our future. And the way he shut it down so fast? It caught me off guard. He said it’s “a waste of time,” that “I already have a good life,” and that “school’s just going to take me away from him.” Like... what?? I'm not trying to party or run off. I'm just trying to get a degree so we’re not both stuck forever. He literally said, “I thought you were done with that dream.” Done with it? I paused it. For him. For us. Then his mom jumps in and basically sides with him. Says I should “just be grateful” that I have a husband who provides and that “education isn’t everything.”
Like I should just play housewife forever. Like me wanting something more is wrong. I’m trying not to be bitter. But it hurts. I sacrificed so much my time, my dreams, my future plans for him. And now that I want something for myself, it’s selfish? I don’t want to leave him. But I’m starting to feel like I’m not even allowed to grow. Like I’m stuck in a life I didn’t choose so much as got shoved into. Anyway. We had a huge fight about it last night. He said if I go back to school, he’s “not going to support it” whatever that means. Emotionally? Financially? I don’t even know. But I told him I am going. Because I have to. For me. He hasn’t talked to me since. Just cold silence. Like I betrayed him or something. I don’t want to ruin our marriage. But I also don’t want to give up everything for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me. So now I’m sitting here, wondering... AITAH for choosing my future over keeping the peace?
NTAH You put your dreams on pause so he could pursue his. I don’t know your husband but it either sounds like he doesn’t care that much about your goals or that he is worried if you finish up your education you will be financially independent. Either way it’s your choice and it’s your turn now. If he doesn’t support it, I’d say do it anyway.
Also your MIL has absolutely no say and shouldn’t have even had an opinion on the matter.
100% this. @OP, I wanted to get my masters less than a year after I got married to my husband. The man not only supported my dream by cheering me on but also supported me financially. He knew that getting it meant more opportunities for me, and therefore, us. That’s what a good man does.
If he hadn’t supported me, I would have done it anyway.
Do it for yourself.
This is dealbreaker kinda stuff. If he doesn’t support your dreams (after you supported him), run. You are very young- gonna be honest, it’s highly unlikely your marriage survives. You married at a time both of your brains weren’t fully developed. Who you each are now is not the same as 4 years ago, and you each are likely to change more in the next several years. So what he’s saying now may be an indication of the kind of husband he’s going to be. Proceed very carefully, but NTA for investing in yourself and your future
100% correct. I think it’s going to fail. Like even if she gave him an ultimatum today. Let me go to school or we divorce he 100% would say divorce .
Then he’ll hopefully be paying for her schooling anyway, with alimony.
Got that right 😊
or if not labeled alimony, it'll be court-mandated reciprocal settlement or something.
NTA
It sounds like you are in a stifling controlling relationship where he holds all the cards and wants to keep you as an uneducated housewife, he chose to marry young to prevent you from having anything but him to rely on.
His wording ‘done with that dream’ sounds like he is trying to quash any autonomy you have. Having others like your MIL echoing these words helps reinforce the message and further break your resolve.
I guess the question is outside of love what does relationship give you, are you happy, is this a life you would be happy for your children to lead if their partner was this way?
Do what you need to for yourself and your own happiness or stay and make yourself smaller, the choice is yours.
That last line really nails it. It's heartbreaking how she’s being made to feel like wanting something for herself is wrong. The way everyone around her is echoing the same dismissive message just makes it worse. It’s not selfish to want a future you actually chose. Hopefully she sees that this life she’s being boxed into isn’t love, it’s control disguised as support.
The age gap was a red flag---while 22 and 27 doesn't sound bad, they got together when she was 18 and he was 23----that's two completely different stages of life. The fact that he runs to his mommy to try and keep her in line is gross.
OP--- consider this your 'starter marriage', get out, and follow your dreams. Don't dim your light for him.
I was in a relationship with this exact age gap. And although in my case it was healthy and 100% consensual, I do agree that in majority of cases it’s a huge red flag. When my ex and I started showing interested when I was just 18 we had long conversations and I did a lot of internal thinking to make sure that I was truly 100% consenting and there was no power play there. This man isn’t doing that. He’s a red flag.
Yeah. I'm not going to say relationships with an age gap can't work out- my husband is 8 yrs older than me. But you both have to be aware of how that gap affects the relationship, and take it real slow. My husband always supports me trying to better myself, and I support him the same way. The conversation is "how do we make this work" instead of "don't do that"
nta at all, this whole thing feels like he picked her young so she’d never realize she deserves better
PSA.... LADIES.... NEVER MAKE YOURSELF SMALLER FOR A MAN!!!!
PLEASE
Nta you should always want to be able to provide for yourself if something should happen.
right? what if he gets hit by a bus?
Life Insurance isn't going to be enough for her whole lifetime!
This, 10000 times!!!
Listen here . And this coming from experience. If you don’t go back to college you will eventually resent him for holding you back and your marriage will fail. You will always look at him with disgust because you couldn’t grow. And he was the reason. In the end you will get joint custody of the kids and half the marital assets but hate him as a person. That’s the end result . Here could be your future . Don’t ask your husband .TELL HIM! That you going to finish your degree . That you put effort into your marriage and him to become stable now you need time for you. To build your future as well as add to the household. A good husband will appreciate you and support you every step of the way. A bad husband gone do what your husband did and shut you down . So I’m telling you. Either suffer mentally because you know what you wanna do and somebody is holding you back who pose to love and support you or go for your dreams and flourish. If your husband don’t do the same for you . He not the man you thought he was. Which in the end mean it’s not going to workout with him. Marriages are 100/100. You put everything you can into it. If the other person not doing that like you then it’s time to reconsider.When somebody truely loves you it never hurts. The emotions you feel is realizing he doesn’t love you like you love him. I’m telling you this is the beginning of you resenting him if you don’t go for your dreams and it will only grow and become something dark and ugly.
Divorce that man. My ex-husband did the same thing, except he expected me to work full time and make a bunch of money with just my associate's degree. When I brought up finishing my bachelor's or getting certified in my field, he threw a hissy fit. He made $130,000 and I made $30,000. He left me within a year of my return to school (part time, online, and still working full time). My ex was 12 years older than me. Granted, post divorce I can't afford to go back to school, but I have a higher paying job, and I got certified in my field. I'm content with that.
He doesn't get a say in this. NTA.
His response is a huge red flag. He's controlling, and it's easier to control someone with no education and no job prospects.
NTA. People who don't support education are a MAJOR red flag in my book.
It's your turn now. Always give yourself options for the future. You sacrificed; now it's his turn.
Do it quietly and get the hell out. He and his controlling b of a mother aren't your people.
Finish your education and don’t get baby-trapped in the meantime. This man will financially abuse you throughout your marriage if you let it happen. You have your whole life ahead to do better than settle for him.
If your marriage fails because you go back to school, you would not be responsible for that failure, he (and his mom) would be. Even if he earns more money than you need, that is not a guarantee he will always be able to.
Layoffs are a fact of life.
Stress to him that you both are a team and you want to be able to contribute and not have the pressure of earning enough to support you all by himself.
NTA. Story time.
I was 31 when i married my husband. I was a single mom. Never did get to go to college, even though it has been a lifelong hope and dream. Even joined the military at 17 to get that college education. Got pregnant instead and life....
We married. I worked full time and did EVERYTHING.
He worked part time and did school.
He finished, graduated, has a wonderful career. We got his student loans paid off when i was 43. I started talking about i wanted to FINALLY go to college and get my degree.
What was I met with after my sacrifice for him and my family.
No. It wouldn't be worth the financial investment because of my age. I'm now too old for school.
Well I turn 60 this year. He has what he wanted and i didn't go back to school. I took one class one semester and realized how NOTHING fell off my plate to enable me to be a good student who had time to study. I still worked full time, I still did all the kid things, all the emotional and physical labor of the home. Hell. I even mowed the yard.
He worked his 7.5 hours a day with his 2 hour a day commute and that was all he did.
Now my physical health has broken. My mental health broke. And now i can't work full time. He has what he wanted.
I make minimum wage. And i currenlty only work 5 hours a week. Trying to get more hours but aren't any more clients at this time. He mourns that he can't have all the toys in life he wants because i don't work enough or earn enough.
Now whose fault is that? Both of us. Me for not standing up for myself after a lifetime of being beaten into submission. All the things i now understand.
Well. If you hadn't made sure that my life was as hard as possible, allowed me one or two of my dreams in life. Maybe it would be better. It is what it is.
I'm doing what i can and that is all i'll do.
NTA, go back to school. You're only 22, what are you going to do for the next 60 years if you don't. Please get the contraceptive implant as I think he will try to get you pregnant to keep you home now that you're showing signs of wanting to go back to college.
Go back to college now. It gets harder as you get older
NTA, and this is a terrifying red flag. This sounds like a man who wants to control you by keeping you financially dependent on him. Definitely go back to school. You don't mention kids, so I'm really hoping that means you're still childless. If it were me, I'd make sure I'm on really good birth control and start actively planning my exit strategy. You deserve a real future.
DO NOT GET PREGNANT
Your husband is being a complete ass. It’s about control. He is throwing up huge red flags. Though the fact that you started dating when you were 18 and he was 23 is already a red flag. Go to school and better yourself so if you ever have to leave you can. NTA.
THIS
At 23 if someone flirted with me and I realized they were 18 I recoiled - brains grow so so fast but also so so slow and the age between 18 at 23 feels small numerically but those are some of the most intensive developmental years of your life as they form who you grow into as an adult.
Also my wife literally would give anything to elevate me and I would her. She is my biggest cheerleader and my most beloved confidant who makes me feel like I can do anything and only ever gets annoyed or mad at me when I tear myself down. She wants me to be my own foundation, my own person. I want that for her. Partners.
OP I hope you have a serious convo with him alone; or better with a therapist. Snip his toddler tantrum silent treating ass in the bud or so help you - you'll be the one to pay. You deserve the best for you; you're the only one who will always be there for yourself.
NTA but there is a reason he ruined your prospects and married you young. This is how you end up trapped.
I understand that you don't want to leave your marriage, but this is absolutely controlling behavior. The longer you wait the more in debt to him you will be, and it'll be much harder to fight your way to independence.
Be in control of your own birth control and do not trust him with it. If you are taking pills hide them.
Do not get pregnant. Do not. Go back to school and get your education. I was made to quit school and I have been financially abused and also other abuse for over 20 years. This is how it all started looking back. They shut down any chance you have of being able to leave. You will be stuck and trapped. Run. Take care of you and go back to school. No matter what.
So he was 23, and you were 18. At that age, that is a big gap. Red flag. You worked two jobs and quit college to support him to finish college. You sacrificed your college for him. He used you to get through school, and now he won't do that for you? Now, somehow, you going back to school is some betrayal? The only person here being betrayed is you. You gave up something for him. Now, his selfish ass wants you at home to be at his beck and call. He doesn't want to sacrifice Jack for you. Sounds like he wants a very one-sided marriage.
Obviously, he wants you trapped, so you have no options. And he can have total control over you. To me, your marriage is already ruined. It seems that he wants all the benefits to be on his side and not yours. Basically, for you to be his slave.
Please don't let him get you pregnant. You are young, and there are better men out there. You just didn't get time to meet them because he swept in and got to you when you were naive enough to believe he would reciprocate your generosity. Which you now see was a lie. Go back to school. If he doesn't change his tune, it is time for a divorce. Get a lawyer to help you get back the money you gave for him to finish school.
And as far as his mother's comments. They aren't worth the air she breathes. She wants what is best for him. Which is you without a degree and at home at his beck and call.
Sorry, but this marriage is over, and he got an education from it. Which he isn't willing to give you.
Updateme
Divorce and sue him. You Gave up your studies to help him, Im pretty sure a good lawyer Will help you on that pary.
This is why you don't get married before your brain is finished developing. Dropping out to help him was a stupid move. Get a divorce and go back to school.
You’re NTA. My partner’s out of school and plans to return, and I fully support her, even if it means long distance. A partnership in my opinion means mutual support, not control. You paused your dreams for him, and wanting the same in return isn’t selfish either, it’s fair.
NTA. You have quit school on his account and now he is complaining because you want to go back to school? That is not a partner, that’s someone who liked you dependent. Keep going ahead
Nta
Do not start a lifetime of putting your own needs and wants aside to keep the peace. You were not put on this Earth to be miserable in order to keep a controlling person happy. You are worthwhile enough to also live a life you want and enjoy. Today you would be giving up your education, tomorrow. It will be something else. He will always demand you do more for him and give more of yourself to him. Please start planning your exit now!
NTA.
And I think that you have to rethink your perspective.
If staying education-less with a limited capacity to work is the thing that is ruining your marriage, then your marriage is not a healthy relationship to be in.
Don't let those horrible people convince you that your only worth in life is to be dependent on another.
Also, even if you get the education now - what do you think they are going to say, when you two have children...?
NTA. Do NOT let him control you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 This is scary behavior.
Go back to school. It’ll help if you can find a career because this guy isn’t worth staying with, long term.
Girl, this is literally what happened to me, except I had his children too. Don't make the same mistake I did.
He's showing you his true colors. Believe him, and go. Choose you. NTA.
I have a masters degree now, plus a very nice second husband who respects me as his equal.
NTA sorry but school comes first. You want to further your education not just for the relationship but for YOURSELF
Surround you with smarter, brighter and more ambitious people that will inspire you. You will find your future partner among them. NTA.
Age gap and he married you so young. He wants control. Your bettering yourself makes him feel insecure and out of control. NTA. Consider leaving him if he doesn’t support you bettering yourself
NTA! I'd tell him that either I go back to school and get me degree and I also get a good job and you can support me like I supported you, or you can look for a new wife because I will not be a housewife dependent on you.
not the asshole. he moved into your art/work space and now wants to change it. this is your dream and livelihood ,he knew that. if he can’t handle it, he should move out.
NTA, follow your dreams and never give them up. Never. I've given it all up and didn't stand up for myself and it's not a pretty life. Don't turn into a bitter hag like me. Go back to school. Education is so important.
NTA - you have a right to pursue your dreams. He is behaving like a controlling a-hole. Get therapy for both of you. If you don’t stop this now his manipulation of you will continue. Keeping you without a bachelors degree makes it harder for you to get a job that pays real money. You need to take care of yourself!! Please be strong & go to schools and DO NOT get pregnant!!! Take care of that yourself or he’ll trap you with children.
This is man who wants you to be dependent on him, until he leaves you high and dry for the next young filly that takes his fancy.
This man's ego couldn't cope with having a wife who earns the same or more, it's an attack on his masculinity. But when he leaves op with kids they will have, he will fight tooth and nail, because he's paid for it, and if he leaves her with no income, well that's her fault for not standing up for herself.
Either way op can't win, unless she leaves him now with no ties, cos he will wear her down until she's a husk of herself, and he rides off into the sunset with a new model, with no conscious about how she helped get there.
NTA. he sounds like a control freak. You need your own life.
If he loved you, he'd want you to fulfill your dreams and become the best person you can. Don't let him clip your wings. He wants to keep you as that dependent, naive 18 year old you were. I'm sorry, OP, this situation screams he's trying to control you. He insecurely thinks you becoming more educated detracts somehow from him. Do not bring children into this relationship. Is this the type of partner you would pick for your child if you had one? The person you were when you were 18 is not the person you are when you're 25. NTA
NTA. Please don't have kids with this guy. Watch your birth control. He wants a permanent servant, not a wife. Apparently you aren't allowed to spread your wings. And he owes you for helping HIM get through college.
Guys like this scare me tbh. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He is right, you know
School will take you away from him!!!
It might give you a better paying job and financial stability, independence, and the ability to easily leave him if he ever turns out to be not worthy of you.
You think it through Whether to go back to school or not, and do what you think is better for you, not what he thinks is better.
And I would also consider separating your finances and signing a Post-nuptial agreement to protect yourself and your savings in case of divorce
Run Run Run as fast as you can. I hope you haven't had children yet. Make him wear a condom when having sex. He will try to baby trap you.
Nope. When the kids are grown and he decides to stray from the marriage you'll be stuck with zero options. Then he'll divorce you and leave you with nothing. It's hard as hell to get a job with a lot of experience, you would have no experience for years and years and you won't have an easy time being hired. My mother wasn't allowed to work when I was growing up, my dad kept her green card from her so she couldn't work. Guess what happened? Exactly what I described. I know this from experience. Luckily my mom was stubborn and started being a bus driver aid 30 years ago and my dad would taunt her about her "stupid little Mickey mouse job". She's been a paraprofessional with special education students for 25 of those years now. She is very loved and paid well by her school. Had she listened to my dad and not worked, she would've been completely screwed. She's been happily divorced for 24 years now. Don't set yourself up for failure. Hugs
Nope! Get out of that marriage and go gwt your education. He's not being what a husband should be. I've been out of undergrad for a years and married for 7 I told my husband next spring after having this baby I want to start apply for masters programs. He fully support this want and desire of mine because that's what a husband does they support. If he cannot support you do not chain yourself to him for life do what's best for you find a man that will fulfill your desires to be educated and wants to build a life together.
op, you got married young. you were 18 dating a 23 year old. the age gap may not seem large, but its significant enough at those ages. and now he doesn't want you to be able to get an education that might give you more power in the relationship. this red flag central
NTA. My parents told me repeatedly that no one can take your education away from you. Love and marriage shouldn't be a sacrifice, it should be a support for you. Go out there, get your degree, and just imagine how proud you'll be in your cap and gown. Good luck!
You have to go back to school, period. He's setting you up to be completely dependent on him. Without an education, you have nothing if he or you want to end the marriage. I wonder why he doesn't want you to bring in an income. Is he possessive and jealous? It's a weird hill for him to die on in these times.
Plus, the silent treatment is abusive.
This checks all the boxes for the kind of relationship where you wake up at 35 realizing your life has been ruined and you can't afford to leave because you have no education. And the only reason he wanted you was because he could control you.
NTA
You're 22, starting over right now is a perfectly reasonable option. My advice? Get out. Now.
Dude purposely went searching for someone right out of high school they could manipulate and basically convinced you to put your life goals on hold (permanently most likely) be his wife.
Edit: oh and double Eff your mother-in-law for telling you to just be grateful for a life role you didn't ask for and ultimately don't want.
GET. OUT. NOW.
Wait. You supported him financially, emotionally, physically etc., and he won’t do it for you? This is the type of selfish behavior that screams misogyny. We’ve see his kind: if you were sick, he would walk away, as many of them do. Finish your degree regardless of what his, probably stay-at-home mother or anyone else says. This is why women in the previous century were stuck with abusers and alcoholics - they were unable to support themselves. Also, many of his kind have left their wives after they’ve supported their educational journey. I colossal res flags all over the place. NOT THE A$$HOLE.
I have been married for 15 years. A few years ago my wife decided to go back to school because she was tired of dead end jobs. She's now a year out from graduation and I am very happy for her. Also, her doing better means we are both doing better. A marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Your husband's behavior has multiple red flags. Anyone who is trying to stand in the way of you being your best is not on your side.
Honey bun, he is telling you what the rest of your life should be and figuring you won’t be able to tolerate the silent treatment. He should not just fuck off, he should fuck all the way off.
NTA, and at the very minimum you must put this controlling fellow on notice.
This is controlling behaviour that is probably red flag material, and will not only leave you vulnerable, but hamper your family economically as well
My god, What a selfish jerk. Do Not Get Pregnant. Do Not Get Pregnant! Tell him you are going to go to school then enroll and get on with it. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. Or… you can leave. Can you envision your life with him like he is at age 50? If not, it’s better to move on sooner than later. He’s a pathetic whimp. dump him tonight.
NTA
This was a 22yr old male using a 18 yr old gf to support his financial and physical goals while he was in school.
He had no intention of returning the favor. He used you -
You are still young. Learn from your mistake. Dontva waste another of your best years on a selfish user.
Run like the wind. Make a plan. Be safe.
You need to get out as fast as you can, and get on with your life without him
Girl….if you do not have a work history and either you divorce or he dies you are totally screwed. I found this out the hard way. Never put yourself in a position where you have no options. He attitude towards you wanting to better yourself is so suspect. What is his real reason.
Go back to school. He is a controlling person. His mother probably doesn’t have a degree. I went through that also and I got my masters degree. We are still married but I am not his stepping stone. I don’t have to wait on his paycheck. I know my worth
Ew. Go back to school asap or u really will be stuck forever. And get that degree in something useable. Nursing. Teaching. Engineering. And do not have a baby with this man.
18 and 23 was your first red flag ...
NTA, get out while you still can, he wants to be able to control you and not have anything to fall back on if you were to leave
23 guy goes for a newly legal 18 year old girl…you dropped out of college to help him with his bills…
Please go back to school, get a good career, be financially independent from him, and get away. In the meantime, some fool proof birth control is in order.
NTA. Do not become the next Betty Broderick.
NTA. feels like a control thing. you absolutely should go back and get your degree if that’s what you want. you don’t need it to have a successful career, but it unfortunately definitely helps land a job! good for you for holding your ground, and i’m so sorry the person who should be in your corner supporting you isn’t. big red flag :(
Could you have a relaxed conversation say somewhere out in public. Stops the discussion going to screaming and ask him how he felt about you supporting him to finish his education and that learning never stops and shouldn’t otherwise you don’t grow and that you don’t want this to come between you but if he insists it well could and his mum should have some STFU 🤣 what is it with mothers and sons. I’m a male and a son but if my mum ever went there it would be me shutting that shit down immediately 🙂
NTA. Run don’t walk to complete your admission application.
The statements and actions of your husband are controlling and abusive. Period. That his mother has an opinion or say in your life decisions is insulting.
A partner who is not supportive in your goals to reach your full potential is not a partner.
Good luck and post your graduation announcement! You can do it with or without him.
First, the age isn't a big deal in this situation. Second, lack of communication is. Had the conversation about future expectations been had prior to all this (dating, engagement, marriage, moving in together, supporting him, etc.) that's where the relationship could have ended. Third, it is a disgrace that him and the mom are double-teaming you with this. Not sure if you tried to talk to just him about it. Would ask what your degree and potential career would be in?
He is setting you up to be forever dependent on him so he has absolute control. Go to school. And if he won't let you, divorce him, seek alimony, and go to school. You supported his career and his schooling, you're owed the same.
NTA. Clear as day
Pursue your dream. If he is so insecure to oppose that, it's a big red flag. Run.
I did it, you can do it!
Dude he started dated an 18yo. He was looking for a child to train and be his servant. If you have an education, you have a way out. He doesn't want you to have a way out. Please get your degree. Going back to school isn't a group decision. He has no say
Finish school!
NTA
You do whatever you have to do. If anything happens to him or your marriage, you need to be able to take care of yourself, and you need to get your own retirement going.
He played you. He assumed you'd stop to take care of him, and he had no intention of supporting your dream. Play the long game to get your education but keep in mind this is who you married. If he doesn't change and come around, then this marriage isn't sustainable.
His mother has no business commenting on this at all. He has no business talking about it to her.
That's bullshit. His unwillingness to support you is a very bad sign. I was only a few years into my first marriage when I began to seriously consider going to law school. It meant our standard of living would decrease and I would be less available to my wife. But she understood completely and was 100 percent supportive. That support never wavered throughout the three years I was in law school, nor did she complain about my long hours during the years I was an associate attorney. Bottom line? My wife loved and supported me. Your husband sounds like a big asshole.
NTA but your husband is! He doesn't want you to have the option of taking care of yourself without him. Also write down everything you've done for him since you've been married. How much money you put in in case you get divorced. Also make sure you can't get pregnant and then are stuck with a child and a man who acts like one.
“It will take you away from him”
He means he won’t be able to control you anymore because you’d be capable of living without him if you wanted.
This is a major red flag. It’s also not something that is fixable. He will never agree to it and if you try to do it without him he will try and sabotage you.
DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH HIM!
Why would your husband not want you to grow? His mother’s opinion doesn’t even matter. She’s being ignorant. But, your husband wants to keep you in your place and have you be happy about it. That’s some abuse right there. You should have the opportunity to flourish in your life. Don’t let anyone stand in your way.
Keeping their women from being educated is how men ruled the world with financial abuse for so long. He's using literal pre-medieval tactics of spousal control.
Leave ASAP and in the meantime keep your legs closed
NTA never feel bad for choicing the future. Sit down and try to show him how you sacrficed and tell him.how you feel. Perfurbly with out MIL there she seems to stir the pot for him. Then if you cant come to a compormise or soultion lay down that you feel this relationship is one side.
Nta. He had his turn its your turn. Fairs fair
You can’t better yourself, because then he can’t control you and hold you hostage.
Choose yourself. And lose the prison warden.
You aren’t ruining your marriage. A marriage is a partnership where each support the other in what they feel,is important. You don’t have that. Keeping the peace means losing your own. His statement that school would take you away from him is a glaring red neon light. Especially after you dropped out and worked to help him get his degree. His and his mother’s view appears to be that a woman is supposed to sacrifice to support her husband but that is a one way street. She is supposed to submit to his view, his way of thinking, and if she doesn’t then he will punish in one way or another.
You were 18 and he 23 when you got together…you had dreams, goals for your life which you put on hold for him. He felt you dropped them completely…EXPECTS you to drop them completely and simply accept the life HE feels YOU should accept. What else does he expect of you? What else will he restrict you from? How much interference will you experience from his mother? NTA and watch your birth control. If he feels he is losing you, he will very likely try to get you pregnant, thinking a baby will tie you to him permanently.
He wants to control you
Ahhh the silent treatment. One of the most insidious tricks in the abuser’s playbook, because there’s no words that can be used against them.
I understand you love this man, but he does not love you. He wants a housewife, in the same way he’d want a gaming chair, or a coffee machine. You are an appliance to him, if any of these things stop working, he will discard them for a shinier model. I fear he’d treat you the same.
I hope you have separate finances, but they aren’t separate, I implore you to start building your own savings so you can leave this godawful human being. You deserve so much better.
PLEASE develop your own plans for the future. Even if you stay in the marriage, there are tons of online classes in every subject. If you stay focused on developing your exit plan you can continue your education.
UpdateMe
NTA. Wow! You pitched in to help him get his degree but he won’t reciprocate? It appears that he is super insecure and controlling. Hold off having kids and register for classes.
And you should NEVER justify your own feelings. They’re not negotiable.
NTA - This is how you get trapped and end up living a life you didn’t want. Go back to school. If he isn’t supportive of your dreams, leave him. And be very careful about sex and birth control, he may try to baby trap you.
NTA
That's sad.
Updateme!
Do NOT forgo your education to placate him or his mother.
If things go badly in your marriage, some day, you want to have an education.
And yes, it sounds controlling.
Disgusting. He expected your sacrifice and now he treads on your butterflies. Fuck him
NTA but a friend of mine told her partner she wanted to finish her degree (she was one semester shy of graduation when she took off with him, sigh). And, shocker! Suddenly she was pregnant and there went that dream. You’d be surprised how many men are the actual baby trappers. It’s shockingly easy to tamper with women’s birth control. Protect yourself.
My daughter is your age, and is engaged. She quit school to work, and I'm pushing her to go back and finish her degree. While her live may seem good now, two incomes make life easier. Plus I want her to have her own degree just in case life doesn't go the way she plans. She needs to be able to support herself.
Have a sit down with him, and see what his concerns are, my guess is he's afraid you will make friends while at school and he will be left out, or you will find someone better at school (us males have really fragile egos).
Are you happy? Like do you have JOY every day? Why does your MIL get more of a say in your life than you do? Why does her opinion matter? How does she even know about your married life or your plans to go back? Why wouldn't your husband do for you what you did for him? If it's good enough for him why isn't it good enough for you? Is there more in your marriage that is a one-way street?
NTA
Go back to school, do it for you.
NTA Go to college and dump your controlling husband.
NTA
🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩 run OP run! It will be so much harder if you wait. Get out asap! You were so young and dropped your life for this “man” and now he thinks he owns you. Go back to your parents (if you can), divorce him, and live out your dreams. That ah will not let you ever!
Totally controlling behavior. Go to school and get out or get out and then go to school.
Whatever you do, go to school.
NTA. If he’s a supportive husband, that includes supporting your ambitions for your life as well.
NTA
Hey OP. It sounds like we married the same guy. I put him through college first and when it was supposed to be my turn, I heard similar things. I stayed and had children with him. My EX mother in law supported HER son no matter what he did, and he did some terrible things.
I finally made it my turn after I divorced him. I earned my degree at 39.
Advice from someone who is now in her 50’s. Leave this man and go to college now. I also went to therapy and feel/think everyone can benefit from that!
You are an intelligent, strong young woman who has a bright future. Don’t let him take that from you.
No you’re not the AH. First of all ignore his mother. She’s going to support him no matter what. He’s freaking out for many reasons. I’ll try to explain but he will have his own reasons. Some men think that they should be able to provide everything. Security, contentment, happiness, etc. He may be feeling incompetent at being a provider. He may also feel like you’re going to surpass him intellectually. There’s also the stories of women being exposed to other people, cultures and lifestyles and he won’t pass muster. There’s also his selfishness of wanting an adoring trad wife tending to his every need. And what happens if you end up earning more than him? To some men that’s just emasculating. Many men feel more secure in knowing that their spouse is utterly dependent on them so they never have another option. Never apologize for trying to improve yourself because you’ll just be unhappy in your own skin. Give him some time to adjust. Anything is possible with gradual exposure.
So, you worked your butt off to help him graduate from college, and now that he has a good job he refuses to do the same and support you?
Talk to a lawyer and find out how much he’ll have to pay you in a divorce. Either the threat of losing you and having to pay you for what you wanted in the first place will be enough, or you can actually do it.
Don’t be stuck in this relationship that isn’t what you signed up for. You’ll be his prisoner.
Updateme!
NTA
Go to school. Get on birth control.
Have another discussion with him. If he still won’t change, then you should consider leaving.
NTA He's afraid going to college will empower you to leave his controlling ass. Prove him right and divorce the asshole.
Solution
Divorce. Take half of EVERYTHING. Sell it. Pay for college that way.
Oh and NTA
You don’t say if you’re still working. But if your family needs your income to stay afloat, then it would be silly NOT to go back and finish a degree while you don’t have eight million other responsibilities. (I finished my degree in my 30s while married and pregnant; ask me how I know.)
If you aren’t working, then him refusing to let you finish while you’re not doing anything else is selfish and a clear sign that he wants to limit you.
NTA. He doesn’t want you getting an education because then you have a means of escaping him. His response is a huge red flag. Never mind the fact that he was 23 dating an 18 year old. Seriously consider marriage counseling and tell him to cut the apron strings to his mommy. This is an issue between you and him. Not you, him and his mommy.
NTA I am guessing he is insecure and believes that having a degree allow you to leave him. Because he does not believe he is good enough for you in his own. Try counseling, but get your degree even you never get a job it will help you relate with your kids and their friends parents as they grow up.
And this is what happens when you stop your education for a man
NTA. Do. It. For. You! Do. It. For. Your. Future! He sounds controlling. Protect yourself and follow your dreams!
NTA
First of all: education IS everything, mainly if you don't want to be controlled and under his power for the rest of your life.
That is so sick... And I am getting pretty scared seeing these post in Reddit...
NTA but PLEASE, please, go get your degree.
Oh sweet summer child... Do you know why men marry young girls? They want to lock them in before they know better.
He is not your husband or your partner...he is your keeper. If he can keep you uneducated and unemployed, he can't lose you. The next thing he is going to do is try to get you pregnant so you are tied to him forever.
Put your foot down and go back to school. If he fights you, LEAVE. I PROMISE IT WILL NOT GET BETTER!!!!
NTA What are going back to school for and do you have a plan to finance it in case things go further south with the hubs?
NTAH but your husband is abusive. My ex husband did the same, and we were the same ages when we got married. I had to drop out, and I didn't get to go back until I left him. Of course when I left I had a baby and I went back to studying when she was 1.5y, but I was now studying as a single mum of a toddler with 100% care (fortunately my ex didn't ask for any visitation or contact at all until years later at which time I crushed him in court). Leave now, before it's harder to start again because of kids or debt he causes you or any number of ways he will ruin your life.
NTAH. 18 and 23 is a wild age gap purely because you were BARELY legal. This is giving grooming. He wanted to mold you into who HE wants you to be and not support who YOU want to be and that is showing up now. Leave. It’ll only get worse
He doesn’t want you to be financially independent. When they abuse happens will be easier to control you if you have fewer options.
Go do you. Get that education. Personally, I don't like people who put down someone's desire to improve expand grow.
Its his time to help you out. I would stand my ground and demand you be allowed to continue YOUR education.
Welcome to your life as a prisoner, trad wife. He planned it all along!!!!!
Now you know. You didn't drop out to help him through his final year. He tricked you into dropping out so that he could make you financially dependent, isolated from friend circles, and limit your job prospects.
That's what his comment about thinking you'd given up that dream means. He hasn't changed his mind. He targeted you from the outset, thinking you were a good option for trapping into a marriage where you will look after him, the house and kids for the rest of his life.
You, your needs and your wants are irrelevant. You exist solely to serve him.
His mother backing this further proves he hasn't changed. She raised him to be this person. He was just hiding it better before.
He is controlling, manipulative and coercive.
Now that you're trying to stand up for yourself and what you want, he's already told you what his next step will be. Zero support. You will have no financial support. No emotional support. No travel support. You will be expected to continue your current role in the marriage without cutting back, thereby ensuring your money, savings, time, energy, attention is constantly funnelled to him, his family and the house, which destroys your ability to study, and may even destroy your ability to attend classes.
The point of this step is to make it impossible for you to study, and to bleed you dry financially, physically, emotionally and mentally so that, not only will you give up studying, you will no longer have the energy to fight him or the resources to leave him.
The next step, which may happen in parallel with the above step, will be to sabotage your birth control and baby-trap you. If you're on pills, get on an IUD asap and don't tell him. Pills are easy to sabotage. He can just microwave them. You won't even know they're ineffective until you're pregnant.
There is no compromise possible where you are equal partners with two careers. He's made that absolutely clear.
That leaves you with two choices. Stay in the marriage and live his life instead of yours, or get out of this marriage and live yours.
And he's made it clear that he's going to do his best to destroy your "leave marriage" option, so that you only have a single choice, which is to dedicate your life to serving him.
NTA - get an IUD if you don’t already have one. This man took you away from school and doesn’t want you going back and earning a life outside of him. His mother wants you to give her grandchildren and be subject to her son. Do not give up on your dream.
You just found out how incompatible you are with your husband. If you stay, this will forever be an issue.
NTA, sounds like a control thing, and it is weird. Who would deny anyone a further education if you can afford it? Time to stand up for yourself! This would be my hill to die on!
Please rethink this marriage. And absolutely finish that education.
NTA. He doesn't want you to be able to leave.
He wants you completely under his control.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That’s what I’ve been starting to realize. Thank you for the insight.
Birth control. That you control. Go back to school.
Partners support each other’s dreams. He sounds like a Tater-tot.
Get an IUD or something tamper proof.
Or just don’t have sex
Yep, the power of the pu... you know what I mean.
If he "won't let" her go to school, there is no way she should let him inside her.
Yes, hun, I thought you'd given up the dream of regular sex.
Agreed
Absolutely this. If you need to make sure you're on birth control because you're worried that your abusive partner might baby trap you, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them. You definitely shouldn't be in a relationship with them.
Of course, but sometimes you have to pretend everything is normal while you're putting together your plan and resources. Especially if there's a strong risk of abuse escalating when he's denied.
Aristophanes approves!
Make him wear a condom.
and just a reminder that pills, the patch and the ring, can be damaged by heat without tampering with the packaging. leaving it in the car on a hot day, popping it in the microwave for a few seconds...
condoms can have holes poked in them.
so whatever you do, make sure it's not something that can be damaged.
Yes. Read up on reproductive coercion, contraception sabotage, and baby-trapping.
That!
Sounds like coercive control... probably could gave damaged without you dropping out to support him. If he doesn't support you, leave him!
This!!
25 year olds don't troll for high school seniors unless they're severely emotionally stunted or most often just straight up controlling predators
We would have been 23 or 24 but it still is the same. He looked for someone young who didn't have the life experience to see what he was doing. One that he could hook tight enough to con her into quitting school for him.
She said they married young...no she married young.
This comment does not have enough up votes. This is so true!
this part, right here
You got tricked into the Trad-wife trend. He duped you and thinks he has you trapped now.
When I was 19, I was dating someone and things got serious. I had already graduated high school and I did have plans to go to college, just not right away. He tried to talk me out of it.
Thank heaven I had enough sense between my ears. I told him that it's great if when we are ready to have children, that I could be home with them and he could support us, but I was not going to even entertain having a baby until I had at least one BA under my belt. He could step off a curb tomorrow and get taken out by a bus...then how am I supposed to raise and support his kids with no money, no degree, and limited employment options? He didn't get it. He got the ring back instead.
I have never once regretted that choice I made for myself.
Chose yourself and your education. Now when you are younger is the best time to be this type of "selfish". (I personally don't think it is selfish. I think it is common sense. But people have feelings about what they consider "selfish").
He doesn't get to trick you like this though. That is dishonest. If he really wants a specific type of partner, then he owes it to himself and those he is with to be honest with himself and move along if he has to fundamentally alter how his partner is to get what he wants.
You have a serious issue on your hands here. Giving up yourself and especially your education is a recipe for disaster, resentment, and overall an unhappy way of going through life.
These kinds of men don't want to find a woman with similar values. They want to break one instead. To quote Trevor Noah:
Beautifully said, and I’m so glad you got away from him. I’m hoping OP can do the same.
I was too stubborn and set on my path to deviate or settle. I am so happy I can be hard-headed in situations like this.
He wasn't a bad guy. We just wanted different things. Years later, we ran into each other and caught up. He actually apologized! He stated that he now understood where I was coming from and that i was right. He actually thanked me for opening his eyes and stated that I was right! Apparently, he has respect for me because I did not cave. It was an unexpected conversation, but it affirmed to me that the choice I made 25 years ago was the right choice. I don't have any regrets about how it played out. It sucked going through it at the time, but I believe it made me stronger.
He was able to learn and grow from what happened. I also learned a lot about myself and what I was and was not willing to compromise on. Don't know how I ended up with a good head on my shoulders so young, but I am glad I had that and still do.
In this particular case, though, OP needs to cut them loose. This type of self reflection and acknowledge is not going to happen with this partner.
Your response made me smile. I’m happy for him and proud of you!
I agree with you, OP needs to run. He isn’t going to change.
If you are on birth control you need to secure it so he doesn’t tamper with it.
Or meet other people. Or have a broader perspective.
Time to point out you don't need his permission, but his support would be nice.
Him clinging too hard to holding you back will cause what he is afraid if.
There's a reason he went for a freshly legal partner.
You were never meant to be an actual partner.
There is a reason why a 24 yo married a teenager. Control.
Yep, pregnant, barefoot and tied to the kitchen stove.
OP needs to get out while she can.
Just so you know this isn’t a change in your husband. You were 18 he was 23 when you started dating. All the girls his age saw the red flags that you didn’t. He was always just looking for someone he could control.
You're super young, please get divorced and start over, you deserve so much better than this!!!
It's time that you write him a huge bill for everything you paid for him. Get back your money you've earned while he was at school and do your thing. You don't need him.
Have you got a IUD or a rod? Do not trust this man with tamperable birth control. NTA
He's afraid of losing you if you become educated enough to not be easily manipulated.
His big mistake was underestimating your natural intelligence enough to think you wouldn't see through his manipulations.
In acting out of fear that you'll leave him if you become educated, he's actually created a situation where you will leave him because he's a controlling dick! The irony!
You gave your labour, youth and the earnings from your 2 jobs for him. What do you mean he won't support you financially and emotionally?
& just a heads up, he WILL leave you for another woman eventually, this type always has a "Starter Wife" get them through school
It's a very common tactic for abusers. He doesn't want you to better yourself because he wants you to depend on him so he can trap you. I'm surprised he hasn't gotten you pregnant yet. In your shoes I would be re-evaluating the relationship. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a bang maid. If that's not what you want for yourself get out and find something better. You're too young to get stuck in this bullshit.
100% this. OP, he’s not thinking about what’s best for you, he’s thinking about what keeps you in his comfort zone. That whole “I already have a job, that’s enough” mindset just screams control. You have every right to pursue your goals, and honestly, it’s scary how quick he shut that down.
Not in his comfort zone but under his financial control. He doesn’t want her to be her best.
That was my EXACT thought! He wants OP to be completely dependent on him. Honestly, I see the age gap at their age as a bit concerning. She was 18 when they married, how old was OP when they started dating? OP, your husband sounds controlling and potentially abusive. If I told my husband right now that I wanted to go back to school, he would absolutely support me. The only reason not to is because he doesn’t WANT you to grow because then he knows you’ll see that you deserve better. Sounds like he’s the type of guy that wants his wife barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen and that her place is in the home and only in the home. If I were OP, I would seriously reflect on this relationship to see what other red flags this guy is waving, because I have a feeling there are a lot.
Next part of this story is birth control tampering and a baby.
and a mistress
Or a divorce in a few years because he wants a wife that has an education and income to pay half or more of the household expenses, so he has money for his hobbies.
Yea I'm not the type to take this opinion, but this time it's most likely correct. It sounds like he's expecting OP to conform to a lifestyle that neither of them had actually talked about, as if he just expects it so that he can fulfill his ego, even though you wanting to continue your education has nothing to do with it
Amen
OP do not let this jackass get you pregnant. He wants financial control over you and he got you young enough you couldn't tell the difference. Gtfo now.
Such controlling behavior from him it's actually crazy
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding JFC love you need OUT of that shit!!!! Or you WILL be his prisoner....
This seems most likely TBH. Before you have kids is exactly when you should do something like this. Then you could potentially have two incomes without kids to set yourself up with housing, no debt, etc.
Unless the reason he thinks it's a waste is because he thinks it'd be wasted on you, in which case, why doesn't he believe in you?
OP this. Please listen to this I beg you. One of my closest friends (at the time) was dating an absolute asshole who married her at 18 and immediately got her pregnant so she couldn’t continue school. He was physically abusive (I’ve seen the bruises in photos since he didn’t let her meet anyone) and cheated on her and when she said she wanted a divorce he laughed at her and said “who is going to give your uneducated ass a job - are you going to clean toilets”. She got out thankfully but you don’t want to waste your youth on this loser.
My ex did this to me. He financially abused me for years. I could never go to school ‘bc we couldn’t afford it’ but he’d buy himself whatever he wanted whenever he wanted while I had 7 year old work shoes. He’d get two pairs every six months.
This! OP, imagine things were the other way around, and your husband had dropped out to support you finishing your degree. Wouldn't you be thrilled if he wanted to go back to school, get a better job, and massively increase your household income?