Growing up, my mom wasn’t really present. She was around physically, but emotionally? Never there. She missed school events, didn’t care about my birthdays, and would often disappear for days to “clear her head.” When I turned 18 and moved out, she didn’t even call. We haven’t had a real relationship in years, and she never tried to fix that.
Now I’m 27, have a stable job, and just got my own apartment. Out of nowhere, she called asking if she could move in “just for a few months” because she’s having financial issues. I told her no. I said I’m sorry she’s struggling, but I’m not comfortable letting someone into my space who was never really there for me when I needed her most.
She called me ungrateful and selfish. Some relatives are siding with her, saying she’s still my mother and that I “owe her.” But I can’t forget the years of silence and neglect. Am I the asshole for refusing?
Her calling you “ungrateful and selfish” is incredibly manipulative
And inaccurate. nta
your mom wasn’t there for you growing up, and now she wants help. you said no because she didn’t support you when you needed her. now she’s calling you selfish, but you’re just setting a boundary. you’re not the asshole.
NTA at all! And don’t believe for a second that it would only be for “a few months“. You have every right to say no and why is it that everybody uses but it’s family when they were never your family growing up tell your relatives that if they feel so strongly about housing, your mother let her move in with them
Nta , Why do you care what other people say?
NTA. Those relatives can have her
NTA and all those other people have clearly volunteered to take her in. Why would you disturb your peace now. She and they can go pound sand. And why are you still in touch with her?
While I don’t suggest you offer this up to her because she may use it as a wedge, many rental and lease agreements require a background check on all residents who stay more than a few days a month. So someone you’re dating who stays over occasionally doesn’t count but someone moving in would.
NTA
And I would like to know what you owe her? She decided to get pregnant and give birth. She failed to do the bare minimum. That behavior is not one of a mother. She is, according to this discription, only a stranger to you
Anyway you actually can help that woman, give her the adresses of the relatives who try to scold you, they all just offered their own home to her! Thats the minimum you owe her I think.
Edit: my terrible spelling
NTA Tell those relatives they're welcome to her.
Just because she pushed you out of her vajayjay does not mean you owe her a damn thing. NTA.
This—we don’t sign contracts in blood on the way out.
NTA. Being a blood relation doesn't give people special privileges. People have to earn privileges by their behaviour. Your mum didn't earn any. She's now paying for her poor parenting, which is only right and proper.
You don't owe your mother a thing. Your parents owe you for bringing you into this world. After that it all depends on how your relationship is. Which isn't good. She's your mother, she still owes you a happy childhood. Tell her she can move in when you've had that.
NTA
NTA. She only contacted you when she wanted something. The relatives can house her since they're so concerned.
NTA
You are literally giving you the same energy she has been giving you all your life!!
NTA! Keep your peace and don’t let her in! (She’ll never leave…) Let her relatives take her in!
NTAH
Tell those relatives that yo don't owe her a thing, you didn't ask her to be born, she had you without your consent because she wanted to become a mother. And since they side with her, they can offer her a place to stay
We all evolve. We are not the same people we where a year ago. So they want you to have a complete stranger in your place
NTA- Exactly what do you owe her for? Providing you the bare minimum - food, shelter, and clothing? If she didn't, there would have been legal implications.
She can move in with one of those relatives who are horrified with your behavior. You didn't have a mother, you had a roommate. And you don't need one now, much less one who needs financial assistance.
Ungrateful and selfish is when you get a child and selfishly chose not to be when so many people would be grateful to even have one but her ungrateful self just doesn’t care!
If the flying monkeys care so much let them take her oh wait, THEY WONT.
Sick of this you owe your parents mentality WE DON’T OWE YOU FOR THE BARE MINIMUM THATS WHAT YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO AS PARENTS !!!!
NTA She can move in with those relatives. She might be your mother but, you don't know her. Do not allow her to disrupt your peace.
So, did all these relatives call your mom all those years back when you needed her??
NTA Children never, ever owe their parents anything. And when someone tells you that you do, your response should be “I see it differently“. As for the relatives who believe you should be taking your mother in, let them house her.
NTA, ask those relatives what you owe her? I am assuming they knew what was taking place when you were younger and didn't say anything then, so they don't get to say anything now. They can let her move in with them. Updateme
NTA.
Even if she were there for you, you still get to have the choice to say no. And no, you don't owe her anything.
Someone as selfish as her would likely be a problem. "Just a few months" is a common ploy to get in, and never leave. Unless you go the route of a legal, costly and stressful eviction to get her out.
NTA, you have already resolved this by telling her no. Tell any relatives that contact you to put her up at their place to prove their concern.
The only 'owing' here is that a parent 'owes' their children a healthy environment in which they can grow and blossom. If that isn’t done, if the parenting isn’t done properly or is done unhealthily, then the parent is in debt to the children. A child, whether still young or grown, never 'owes' anything to the parents.
First of all, you don’t owe anyone anything. I’m not sure why your mom behaved the way she did but it could be more than she’s a jerk, not that I’m ruling it out. Did you have other siblings? How did she behave toward others? Did she have a friend group? How did she behave toward them? It’s just not nearly enough information to make an assessment. Could she be clinically depressed and not be diagnosed? It’s true that some are not cut out to be parents. It’s also true that there could be something else going on.
I was raised by an emotionally unstable mother. Abuse and neglect were a way of life. It changed who I was meant to be and it wasn’t all her fault. Please be careful and know that it can be great but it can also mean you can’t get rid of her. Take care of you.
I'm a mother, and my son is an adult. You don't owe your mother anything. She didn't do her part as a mother she has absolutely no right to ask you to take care of her. It would be different if she brought you up and sacrificed for you or even did Mom things for you.
No one else in your family is willing to help her, probably for the same reasons. Don't let anyone guilt you into letting her live with you. You've made your decision, it's a good decision based on your past with your mother. Don't let anyone convince you that you owe her anything.
It's funny how the relatives come out of the woodwork to defend somebody that wasn't even there for you, but they had no problem with how your mother treated you but yet they have a problem with you. If they have an issue, let them house her
NTA.
Regardless if she's your mother. She was never there for you emotionally or otherwise.
NO, you're not. She can go to a shelter if she needs to. She'll take over your life if you do. Look at the names she's already calling you. Protect yourself,. first and foremost.
NTA. The relatives of their protesting can take her in. They're feeling so generous and want to take care of her and they can do it. No you don't owe your parents anything. Especially one that never was there for you.
NTA.
Ungrateful for what? She’s delusional.
Tell anyone who says that she’s still your mom, etc., that they are SO KIND to offer her a place to stay!
Do NOT cave in! She will be there forever and you will be footing the bill.
NTA.
I think your mistake was framing it as somehow she wasn’t there for you, so you’re not gonna be there for her. Sounds like revenge. Or telling her she should’ve thought of that when you were Young. Sounds bitter.
Maybe you are.
I think the best way to handle it might’ve just been to tell her that your apartment is not set up for two people. Tell her that the landlord doesn’t let you have guests for more than 10 days a month. There are a lot of things you could’ve told her that would’ve been true and not hurtful.
No, Mom you are correct. I am selfish and ungrateful. Those are two things you taught me well. How to care for myself and put myself first since no one else did. I'm ungrateful because I never learned to be grateful of others because no one was there to be grateful for. NTA..... Tell her and her flying monkeys that you owe her silence and neglect since that's what she gave you. You are grateful that she has shown you how not to treat others. And that actions have consequences. You owe her absolutely nothing. Put everyone in a group text and say Mom these are the people who will offer you a place to live until you can get back on your feet. I wish you all well. Then block all of them.
What do you have to be grateful for from her, she left you to literally bring yourself up so she could "clear her head" and it's absolutely fine to be "selfish" and refuse to allow someone into your space. NTA
NTA
Anyone saying you "owe" her needs to be reminded you're giving her exactly what she gave you...indifference.. They should house her if she's so needy..
She tried to manipulate you with the name calling and it didn’t work. Now she’s using relatives.
Tell them directly or via a group text that they’re welcome to help her out and open their homes.
Been a part of a similar situation where a mother came back into her daughter’s life after being estranged for decades. The mother was having medical and financial issues and had used up all her goodwill with family and friends. The daughter visited and kept her at arms length. She did agonize over peer / family pressure and expectations but she knew that didn’t like her mother and that they would not get along. She knew that it would disrupt her life.
NTA. Do not cave in.
NTA. We both know that a “few months” means considerably longer. Was she a single mother, raising you on your own? That could explain some of her behavior. But, if you’re going to be miserable. Be honest and say that. To all the relatives chiming in, tell them to open their doors to her. Good luck.
She failed you when she owed you.
Your relations are only saying that because they don't want her staying with them
Ask her to explain IN DETAIL how you are ungrateful and selfish.
Ungrateful for what? What did she do for you that she now expects gratitude for?
Selfish how? How is living independently on your own after a lifetime of HER mistreatment and NEGLECT … misconstrued as selfish?
You want details. What about you is… selfish if you’re just living your life?
Then have a list ready of all of the neglect, absent, and uninvolved life experiences she MISSED … thanks to her disappearing acts. You raised yourself, so you have NOTHING to feel grateful to her for. And supporting yourself isn’t selfish. It’s called “Being responsible”; and she should try it!
Then text your relatives the link to this post and say you wrote it. Let them see that she was a neglectful, absent, uncaring, uninvolved parent and you had to raise yourself. Where were THEY when you were a child and needed them?!
It's easier to say no than time to go, NTA. If her family cares so much why don't they let her move in?
All these chat GPT posts really do end the same way.
Person who ghosted me wants something. They are calling me two negative adjectives. Some people are siding with them. But I disagree. Am I the asshole?
Nta and anyone on your case can house her.
NTA. Tell her that since you moved out at 18, you owe her nothing. Everything before moving out was required by law to be provided.
She is now reaping what she sowed.
NTA she got the relationship she built
Tell those relatives to open their own home for your mother if they are so worried. Pretty sure she is not going to move out in just a few months