First, I wanted to thank everyone for their advice about whether I should lock the bedroom door when I'm away. The original post is here, if you missed it.
I did read the comments and some of you asked a few questions. So here are those answers: no, this is not my step-daughter's childhood home. Her father and I bought it when she was 18. Her father and I met two years after his first marriage ended in divorce. He and I have been together more than 20 years.
On with the update: I did talk with my husband before we went away. He agreed that it was completely reasonable to expect our bedroom and bathroom to be private and that the boundaries should be equal on all sides. I asked him to discuss it with my step-daughter and he did let her know that she shouldn't go into our bed and bath without permission.
Nevertheless, I did listen to everyone here who said to lock the door when we left for the trip.
My step-son was ending a vacation with his step-father's family and starting a week with us but his arrival date was on Saturday evening before we returned. I always take the time to set up everything for my guests. That includes leaving clean towels specifically for them. I placed a couple body and hand towels on the guest bed. The bedding is dark blue and the towels were white so they would be obvious. Also my stepson takes a shower every single day, usually in the late afternoon--it's important to remember this and that he arrived Saturday.
On Monday morning, my husband asked if I had locked our bedroom door. I said that I did lock it and asked why. He said that my step-daughter had been looking for towels to give to our step-son. So I simply replied that I had left towels on the guest bed for him. My husband softly said, "Oh."
I am letting my husband handle the issue of her trying to enter our room without permission and that step-daughter made up an excuse to justify that.
I will always lock the bedroom door when we're away as long as SD is living with us.
NTA. You found out that she has boundaries for you that you have to respect, but that she doesn't feel that the same boundaries apply to her.
Once you are an adult and leave the house, upon return you are not the six year old that pretty much has free reign of the house. You set the boundaries and enforced them with a lock, yet she still chose to test that boundary.
Continue to lock the door when you are away, she is not going to follow your rules if nobody is looking.
Exactly—locks aren’t just for keeping people out, but for keeping boundaries clear when respect alone isn’t quite enough.
As six year olds, my kids knew that our room was out-of-bounds unless we were in there and they needed us.
Basically, your average six year old has better respect for boundaries than SD.
My sons are 25 and 29. My master bedroom doubles as my office, and I'm usually sitting at my desk. The only time they come into the bedroom is to change the litter box in my bathroom or if they're looking for one of th cats when my husband and I are not at home - and they've lived in this house since they were 10 and 13.
They respect our space and we respect theirs. OPs stepdaughter seems to think that she's got free roaming rights in OPs house.
Lock the door at all times, OP.
You and your husband talked and came to an agreement, and you followed through. Good, keep it up
Thanks for the support!
<my husband asked if I had locked our bedroom door. I said that I did lock it and asked why. He said that my step-daughter had been looking for towels to give to our step-son. So I simply replied that I had left towels on the guest bed for him. My husband softly said, "Oh.">
That's the soft sound of someone waking up to reality...
NTA
Everything clicked into place!
NTA she wants you to respect her space in your house but doesn't want to respect yours. That's a problem for your husband to handle or a family meeting.
I’m happy to let him be the bad guy.
I don't know what the step-daughters situation is as to why she had to move in with you, but it sounds like it'd be better if she moved back out since she has no respect for boundaries. Plus she's a full grown adult.
She has a high school diploma (the story goes deeper) and doesn’t earn a lot of money. She’s had trouble keeping jobs and also has problems keeping friends. Bio mom refused to cooperate with diagnosis and treatment during childhood so here we are.
Honey, she is almost 30. Her choices are HER choices. I was a slow to launch adult… and it wasn’t until I was FORCED to stand for myself that I actually did. It’s sink or swim time.
That’s fair. She finally says she’s going to get diagnosed but we’ll see.
That's awesome, but she should keep in mind that one doesn't need a diagnosis to seek therapy to address the symptoms that have been interfering with making progress in life. For every ten therapists in the area that offer cognitive behavioral therapy there's maybe one psychiatrist who performs evaluations for the alphabet diagnoses and their waitlists are significantly longer.
I think you are entitled to privacy and not having a nosy stepkid go through your things and use them while you are out. I also didn't see an issue with you going into a room in which you had items and clearing the room for a now permanent guest was ever an issue - but, you apologized and moved on.
It sounds like it was a win-win.
NTA, it's crucial to set boundaries right from the start, maybe next time, just lock up before leaving for work too?
Yep, this is my plan. Date night? Door locked. Grocery run? Door locked. Lunch with in-laws? Door locked.
you could also upgrade to a doorhandle with fingerprint scanner. i think those lock everytime you close the door.
I'm curious: Did stepdaughter need to locate towels because the ones you left for your stepson were taken and used by your stepdaughter? Did she not only try to breech your boundaries and, arguably, your stepson's boundaries?
The old saying, fences make good neighbors. Simply clear boundaries help all of us navigate each other.
Good on you. We lock ours and put our valuables in there. We shouldn’t have to, but my wife’s son has no boundaries and ignores our rules, one being not to have people/parties while we are away. Things have gone missing in the past. I also leave a camera in our room, on the bedroom door and garage.
Edited for an error: bedroom not groom.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through with your son.
I took every set of our car keys with us on the trip too.
I feel for you so much. My extra key is hidden. Not even the wife knows where it is. It’s a total sin. It’s her kid. Has hated me for 15 years now. Makes things tense, to say the least.
Your husbands quiet oh honestly said a lot. He knew that she was trying to get into your room even after setting a boundary with her that she couldn't go in there. That oh said he gets what you were saying to him completely now. I'm glad your husband didn't turn this into an ugly fight with you trying to protect her
NTA but I am curious. what kind of lock do you have on your bedroom door? A child could pick the locks of all my interior doors!
I banked on her not knowing how to do that and also left a couple things around that would get moved if she picked the lock and went in the room.
My steps all know how to lock pick as do all their friends. It's a past time in their age cohort. (Early 20s to late teens) I did it too as a youngin, it was easier to pick locks than remember keys or combinations.
I'd get a fancy lock.
I'd also start a step down plan for her to find a path to self sufficiency. With monthly progress reports. Good luck my friend.
My parents always had a room with a key. My brothers are thieves.
Geez, a 29-year-old brat.
Has her father ever given her boundaries?? Sounds like she's been his little princess all her life...
When I house-sit for my auntie (we have a very close relationship) I wouldn't dream of using anything in her room or her ensuite. Hell, I messaged her to ask if I could look in there for a pair of tweezers when I got a splinter before going in to look for something very minor. Never mind boundaries, it's common courtesy.
Well handled. Done in such a way that you cannot be made to look like the bad guy.
Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't clean towels, bedlinen etc be in a linen cupboard, not in a private bedroom?
If you’re having guests, you put them out. I wouldn’t expect or want my guests to have to find the linen closet.
Agree that guests should have the towels given to them; I was thinking more about the step daughter, who lives there, who should know where the linen cupboard is.
A lot of sneaky liars like to think they’re smarter than everyone else.
The stepdaughter was banking on dear daddy buying the “I was doing a nice thing for my brother, papa! Whyever would that be a problem?” excuse instead of using his brain.
I would look in the linen closet, any cabinets in the hall bathroom, and not in other bedrooms.
We have a linen closet and a second hall closet. I keep extra towels in the linen closet.
This plus if she was really looking for extra towels and couldn’t find them she would have called you and your husband to ask where they’d be. So obviously her excuse was total BS
Totally depends but at my house the only airing cupboard is in a bedroom, and at my dads towels are in the spare room in a chest of drawers. Agree that SD should know where to look though and if that’s not in the locked room she has no excuse.
Not OP, but in my house the linen cupboard is in the bathroom.
Also not OP. Our linen closet was never used for linens, just miscellaneous storage. Towels and such are in storage tubs in a couple bedrooms because we keep forgetting we have some somewhere, buy more, and start stocking them up elsewhere.
Weirdly enough, our house has no linen closet, and the bathrooms, other than the en-suite master, have very little storage space. So we keep all the clean towels in the master bath. So coming into our bedroom to look for towels could be a plausible excuse in our house. But since we always put towels out for guests, like OP did, it’s a pretty weak one.
I have a small home, and our towels are not in my bedroom, so anyone can access them.
Honestly I'd kick her out and change the locks. Let everyone know that her time is up for mooching in your house. And I would also let her know that I'm going in any room that I want to in my own house. Just because she's a guest there doesn't mean that she has any say in that.
The last time I wandered my grown ass into my parents' bedroom without permission, I saw evidence that they were still sexually active. I didn't say a thing, but you better believe I dont enter their room without permission when I visit anymore.
Lmao they had a swing set up didnt they
shudders Nope. I refuse to revisit that memory in detail. Good for them that they still have a spark at their age after almost 40 years together, but I really preferred to pretend they stopped having sex 28 years ago when the youngest child was conceived. 😳
Tbh I think you now have every right to address this situation with stepdaughter, especially as she confidently confronted you over going into the guest bedroom she currently is staying in. To which you apologised.
Yet she has entered your space twice, with zero shame? THAT is a huge problem, her comfort in blatantly claim territory in your home.
Any conversations need your husband's presence, so nothing can be twisted, but I would make it clear he is not to undermine you or indicate to stepdaughter that he will shield her. As frankly, I would be on guard for manipulation from stepdaughter.
You need to demonstrate to stepdaughter that you are not afraid of her and that this is your home that you are currently kindly, but temporarily allowing her to stay in.
I would show her I see through her game, by asking her why she feels entitled to privacy in your guest room, in your home...which you conceded on, yet apparently it's not reciprocated?
Does she have a longterm plan for housing? I wouldn't appreciate how she is treating your home like it's only her fathers and how comfortable she is, especially as it appears as if she doesn't respect you 🤷♀️
Anyone else get the feeling that she used those towels for herself and then found the door locked when she went to replace them...?
Honestly didn’t consider that. But you know, she had to walk past the washer and dryer to reach our room. If that’s what happened, she could have thrown all of the towels into the washer.
NTA Why is ur step daughter like that? I think it would be best if she move out in ur home
una cámara con sensor de movimiento con vista hacia la puerta estaría genial si te hace sentir mas segura.
I don’t understand step daughter’s obsession with snooping in your bedroom. That’s so weird ?? What could she possibly be doing
Updateme
She might not have lied.. she might have grabbed the towels from the bedroom you set up for your stepson.
So, she used the extra towels, and went looking for more??
I think in this case, she needs to do some laundry.
Updateme!
you set a clear boundary by locking your room and even left towels out for your stepson. your stepdaughter tried to go in anyway with a weak excuse. you’re not the asshole. you handled it calmly and let your husband deal with it, which was fair. keep locking the door if needed.
Exactly. Setting boundaries isn’t being cold it’s protecting your space. She ignored that and played victim. OP handled it just right.
Stepdaughter needs to learn some respect. She was allowed to move back in but OP didn't need to say yes. There should be a plan in place for when she's leaving.
OP handled it better than most of us would do
I would keep the door locked even when you are home. If OP is cooking dinner step daughter could be raiding the room. I would also invest in a safe and put valuables like jewelry etc that could easily walk away.
not everything needs to be a whole drama… lock the door and keep it pushin
I hope that means whenever you’re out of the house, even if doing errands.