When my sister was pregnant with her second child. Her and her second husband bought a house together in a very nice neighborhood. Six years later I was visiting my step father and he let it slip that my sister had not paid back any of the 75k he and my mom had loaned her for a down payment on the house. He immediately saw my shocked face and said “oops, I’m in trouble”. When I confronted my Mother and Sister they admitted to the loan but insisted they just forgot to mention it to me.it wasn’t secret it just hadn’t come up for six years. A year before the loan, I borrowed 1/10 the amount for a car down payment. I was required by them to email my sister about the loan. If they died before I paid them back they wanted to be sure she got her $3750. Less than two years later they loan her 75k, no email. What if they died? You think sis would’ve let me know about the 37.5 k that she owed me? Anyway, I just bought a house without a secret loan and my mom called me this morning to offer me an ugly chair for free. She said I didn’t sound appreciative and I lost it.
nah you’re not the ah. they didn’t forget, they just didn’t want to admit they played favorites. it’s not even about the money, it’s about the double standard and the lie by omission. holding onto that kind of grudge isn’t petty when trust was clearly broken. they made it uneven you just finally called it out
Don’t forget the sister hasn’t paid back ANY of the 75k, and likely never will.
Don’t forget the sister hasn’t paid back ANY of the 75k, and likely never will.
Whatever about Stepdad, I’d say that, as far as Mom was concerned, it was a loan in name only. She’ll need to be in pretty bad financial shape to ever call it in. And, if it was used for a downpayment on a house, chances are that the mortgage company required that Mom and/or Stepdad sign a declaration that the money was a gift.
And if that "declaration of a gift" paperwork is the only thing she signed, there is no obligation she has to pay it back or calculate it in the distribution amounts if your mom does. If your mom had $150k, and "gifted" $75k of it to your sister, that leaves $75k. She dies. Your sister gets $37,500, you get $37,500.
Your sister gets $37,500, you get $37,500.
Or OP’s sister gets $37,500 and the remaining $37,500 goes to the Sacred Grandchildren, hallowed be Their names.
Exactly this, OP! It’s not even just about the money, it’s about the fact they made you feel like you didn’t deserve transparency or equal treatment. That kind of favoritism hits way deeper than people think, and you have every right to be upset when trust like that gets shattered.
Exactly. This isn’t about the money, it’s about the blatant favoritism and broken trust. They didn’t forget; they just hoped you wouldn’t notice. Calling it out isn’t petty, it’s honest.
Some kids just get…more from their parents. Fuq them.
Make sure they know you’re tracking the interest of what she hasnt paid back and could have been accruing in a high interest savings account.
NTA
Like my sister-in-law. FIL always was giving her money, nonstop. Never helped the other kids. (And SIL is the f up in the family.)
Its always the f up in the family thats favored, it seems. My mom was the same. I asked her why she favored my sister more than me. She said because she knows im responsible and will always do the right thing and make sure my family is taken care of. She said my sis is the opposite so she worries about her. Wtf? Idk.
It’s almost like being punished for doing well. Same thing in my family, but instead of it being my sibling, it’s a felon cousin. Some people can’t handle relationships where they’re not in a position of superiority over the other person.
My mom was the same. I asked her why she favored my sister more than me. She said because she knows im responsible and will always do the right thing and make sure my family is taken care of. She said my sis is the opposite so she worries about her.
Your mother is likely to expect that, once the family fuck-up has burned through every cent of the inheritance, the responsible one will make sure that she’s taken care of.
I wonder sometimes if the family f-up is that way because of the favoritism instead of the other way around.
It probably depends on the family.
In some cases, the child might have very minor difficulties but one or both parents coddle them into uselessness, and expect their siblings to pick up the slack because they can’t take care of themselves. The “sweet, sensitive boy” in his 30s, with no disabilities, who lived off an allowance his siblings were pressured into paying him (https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/hmv86q/wibta_if_i_drove_400_miles_to_confront_my_older/) or the kid who was diagnosed with high functioning autism as a small child, but was coddled and spoiled to the point where he could barely function at all (https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/zeeuvj/parents_and_entitled_brother_who_cannot_handle/).
There are also likely to be children who learned at an early age that when they kicked up, their parents would rush to placate them, basically trained them to pander to their whims, and can’t cope with a world outside the family where nobody treats them like they’re God’s gift to the world.
I can also see a situation where parents had a favorite child early on, designated that child the star of the family, and can’t cope with the idea that their Precious Princeling/Princess isn’t anywhere near as wonderful as they deluded themselves into thinking they were, so they continue to pour resources into them in the hope that they will magically begin to excel. If the scapegoat child is doing well, it’s a fluke.
Thanks for this thoughtful rationalization in answer to my thoughts on the matter. The examples you provided were helpful illustrations, too.
I've already told her NOT to expect that lol
That doesn’t mean that she isn’t deluding herself into thinking that, if it comes to it, you won’t have the heart to leave the family fuck-up to fend for herself if she’s in trouble because faaammmily.
I already have the heart. I haven't had anything to do with my sister in years now
Good for you.
I'm was in the same situation as you. My parents would bail my sister out all the time. Down payment on a house? Sure. Needs a car? Here you go, we bought you one! Got legal troubles? Bailed out and bills paid.
Me, not so much. I even ended up homeless for a little while in my 20s when I lost my job and forclosed on my house. I was told I couldn't even temporarily stay with them.
Their reasoning is that I'm smarter than my sister and a harder worker, so I'll figure things out and don't need any help.
Ugh, sorry that that happened to you. Saying it out loud somehow makes it seem worse to me, like they consciously chose to do that. My ILs were doing estate planning and wanted their son/my husband to do all the heavy lifting by acting as the executor while blatantly stating that everything was going to his sister, her daughters and granddaughters because they needed it more.
Sounds like stepdad is bitter that they haven’t repaid them and intentionally let you in on the secret
NTA
Legally she doesn’t have to repay it, it would have likely been a tax free ‘gift’
You can only gift a certain amount per year tax free, it’s like $10k or something per parent.
NTA. I'm in a similar situation with my family. I am doing my best at keeping my cool while I explain the hypocrisies. I have considered cutting all ties with my family, and I decided not to do that. I hope you find what works best for you. Do know they will never see you as equal to your sister, and they will never admit to themselves that there is anything but fairness. My "golden child" younger sister unfortunately died of a rare, incurable cancer, and I'm only learning about more and more hypocrisies. I miss her despite her involvement in this.
My sister was one of my favorite people before this. It fucking sucks. I really wish I hadn’t found out. I’d rather be oblivious than feel this way about them.
Yeah, it really sucks when it is blatant that a sibling is favored. I'm definitely not the favored child, but it's funny, I'm the one that's just expected to do things that the others aren't expected to do. There's been times when I've been excluded from things as well, and it definitely hurts, but they never see it that way. I'm sorry you're going through that.
Same. My sis was my bestie. We are 6 years apart, and we were pregnant together so that our kids would be besties too (and they are). I do my best not to blame anyone. My parents put us in our roles without realizing they were doing it. My parents grew up with their traumas. I'm enduring my traumas. I'm going to do my best to make sure I do not do the same to my kids. The hypocricies stop here with me!
100% best attitude!
It’s worth reminding yourself that your sister is not the problem here. I know it’s not that easy or clean, but still. This is on your parents.
I think it's both. The sister knew OP had to email her about the small car loan, she could've confessed about the house downpayment without being asked by the parents but she didn't.
Depends how much the sister knew, I think. I could imagine getting an email saying, "By the way, I borrowed $7k from mom and dad" and... never thinking about it again. Or not realizing that it was a requirement of the loan. Something that was understandably very upsetting and frustrating for OP might have been a non-event for the sister.
She knew. My aunty gave me $10k towards a house deposit, I was so grateful I told everybody. Parents being able to lend you that much money to avoid a bigger mortgage is huge. If you're not telling your sister, it's because you intentionally don't want her to know.
Eh. I could easily see someone being super appreciative but mildly ashamed of their “financial inadequacy” and not inherently a terrible person because of it.
But this whole situation and the email? Yeah she likely knows.
I agree it doesn't make her a terrible person, I just think it's shitty that they've all kept it a secret from her, sister included.
Nah sis is definitely just as bad as the parents.
Well, given the sister has paid back zero of the loan, she is part of the problem. Plus, at the beginning of all this the sister was ok with OP being kept in the dark.
She kept a secret for six years. And still to this day says she didn’t know it was a secret. I can’t reconcile with that.
You had to email her about your car - how did she “not know” when she didn’t do the same? And your step father said “oops I’m in trouble”. So HE knew that you didn’t know.
You aren’t respected in your family. So fuq them and their high horses.
You know your family best, but is there any chance she DIDNT know it was a secret? I borrowed money from my mom at one point, it was for sure not a secret, but I honestly can’t remember if I told my brother and I might not have because it wouldn’t necessarily have naturally come up. I would be surprised if he was upset about it, but I definitely wasn’t intentionally keeping the secret. And in the unlikely event my mom had died while I owed her money I would 100% have brought it up then. My family dynamics are mine, and yours are yours, but especially if it’s out of character for your sister it’s maybe worth considering she either thought you knew or didn’t intentionally hide it.
My mom isn’t one to hand out any money. My sister and I used to joke about how tight she was. If mom gave us a 20 to get a pizza it was a fucking miracle.
Send an email to your mom and sister saying that she acknowledges the debt and will have to pay you the ½ should mom die.
Gotcha. Yeah, that feels super disrespectful in that case. So sorry you’re dealing with this.
If Opie had to email her sister to let her know about the small loan, there's no way that the sister didn't know that it should have been done that way. Or the least if Mom said to keep it a secret, that it should have been known to be wrong.
Your sister is just as culpable- she knew what YOU had to do and let it go. Can’t blame her for that, but if you were as important to her as she was to you, it would have been at least told to you by her
Is this a half sister? As in biologically your step fathers? That’s what I had to live through - bio kids got cars, college, and an emotionally available parents. And the jacked up was it was mostly on the part of related parent. Like they just needed to “prove” that they aren’t favoring their other kids or something.
Oops, I forgot to talk to you for the rest of my life. Funny how karma's a bitch.
NTA.
NTA- it’s messed up enough that they never told you, but add the previously required email from OP makes it 100x worse!
OP should require a notarized letter from Sister that she owes him half if anything happens to parents.
They didn’t just forget. They hid it. For six whole years. That’s not a slip..it’s a choice. And only owning up after getting caught? That shows they were never planning to be honest in the first place…
This isn't IMO about money for you - this is about favoritism. I get it - I have a younger brother who gets mentioned every time I talk about the piece of property where I want to build a house. My brother doesn't care (there are plenty of assets to pay him out, if my parents pass before we finalize selling the property to me) but every single time I move forward they say "it's half your brothers property, too" like i haven't been the one taking care of it (renting out houses, snow plowing, cutting lawn, maintenance, etc) for 25 years, for free, while he lives 8 hours away.
So frustrating to have parents with such a weird and stupid view on what “fair” is.
Your parents sound like mine 😭
Your time is worth money. Perhaps they should pay for your work, then when the land split happens you will not feel used.
They should just sell it to me now for a loss.
We will see. If they want market value for it, they will sell it to someone else and then I'm moving up north and they can kick rocks and ask my brother when they need help with their various medical issues.
It's the EXCUSE as to why they won't move forward. My brother. Who doesn't care.
I’d tell them “ Don’t worry when your gone, I’ll give him his share (wink wink)”
It just seems they don't think you matter. It must be very hurtful.
Absolutely this, OP!! They’ve shown you where you stand in their priorities and it’s nowhere near where it should be. That kind of dismissal from family hurts more than anything, and you’re absolutely allowed to feel upset about it.
Nta and make it clear you expect that 37.5 to be included in her will if she wants to speak to you again.
This 👆🏼
Plus interest!
Parents always lie and say they don’t have favorites.
The fact they didn’t tell you PLUS them not actually enforcing any repayment is such a bullshit thing for them to do. They know it’s wrong. They just don’t care.
Your mom sounds like a real gem. Definitely NTA.
NTA….. makes me wonder if stepdad wanted it out in the open since she hasn’t paid them back.
I mean if you're lacking ideas in places to put the ugly chair, I have some ideas for you.... 🤦♀️
It’s their money and they can do with it what they please without your input or knowledge.
However, your life is yours to spend it how and with whoever you chose without their input or knowledge.
I’ll hand you the scissors.
This
Update the email to factor in this new information.
My parents put up their house for collateral so my brother could build a huge house and then let it slip and then tried lie and say they never did that. They also bought his ex wife a house and then proclaimed they would never do that again. Guess who is the favorite?
NTA guess you found out who the favorite is. Sorry.
Your parents are playing favouritism. They are going to end up alone with none of their daughters taking care of them. Your sister clearly has no intention of ever paying that money back so they got no chance of her taking care of them.
NTA
Tell me your Sister is a Golden Child without saying she's the Golden Child.
At some point in the future, your Mom is going to ask you for some kind of help. Feel free to tell her she needs to get help from your sister instead.
NTA. Can think of a few thousand ways she could make it up to you
PS Step Dad is a real one, that was no accident. He wanted no part in this BS
I think so too.
Hey mom. No worries about my half of the $75k . Sister is going to need it to take care of you guys when you're old. Shes always been the golden child so she can return the favor sonce I won't be doing it
This definitely can put a wedge between sisters. My aunt was loaned a bunch of money by har father when she got divorced and my grandfather then put it in his will, that my mother got a part of her inheritance if she didn't pay it back. After my grandfather passed away and my aunt's inheritance was lowered, she was mad as hell and lied about my mother stealing part of her inheritance. Most people took my aunt's side because she was the gregarious, outgoing one, and my mom was the quiet one. Tore the family apart, and the two of them never spoke again.
We moved back to our small home town, and took on the project of renovating a house that my mother had bought for cheap from a neighbor. We spent 2.5 times what she paid for it - $20k - to tear out everything and rebuild. We paid her $2k of the purchase price, and then neither of us bothered. She said, “Don’t worry about it.” None of this was below boards: most of the siblings pitched in to help in the tear-down, and rebuild. We never hid who was paying for what.
Contrast that with 15 years later, when my mother was doing poorly, health-wise. We saw some dudes doing some shady work on the garage roof, and mentioned it to her while she was in the hospital. She said, “Take it up with your sister; it’s her house.” Wtf? When did that happen? We’ve lived next to you for all these years, I stop in almost every day, and you can’t mention that you and sis had an arrangement for her to get the house? Sis didn’t pay anything for it, either, and it didn’t need any work, aside from the garage roof.
I get that I also got a sweetheart deal, though it was hardly free. Suffice to say, I haven’t spoken with sis since mum passed, and have no plans to relent.
Did your mom will it to sister?
No, it was transferred before mum’s death. Evidently, the arrangement was that mum would live in “their” house rent free for as long as mum was around. Worse, they paid for the garage roof of sister’s house, technically, with mum’s funds.
It wasn’t really the money: it was the deceit. All of us siblings were kind of shocked that the transfer was made, and none of us knew.
NTA
As someone with pretty broke parents, I know that large monetary gifts/loans are not something that anyone is entitled to. I just can't get over the level of petty favoritism and hypocrisy your parents showed by making you send an IOU in writing to your sister in the event they died before you paid back the money over a few thousand dollars but completely kept secret giving your sister tens of thousands of dollars.
The way it happened though, I'm wondering if the stepdad didn't like the fact that the sister didn't send a message to OP, like the one that opie's mom made her do for the smaller loan, and he did what he did to bring it into the light, and to also make sure that the sister pays him back.
NTA make a copy of the loan email and send it to your mom and sister next time they ask you why you don’t speak to them anymore.
75k sounds like a nice down payment on your mother's future senior living facility (aka your sister's house).
NTA.
You’re not wrong for being upset, anyone would be if they were treated like a risk over a $3.7k loan while their sister quietly got $75k with zero strings. It’s not about the chair, it’s about feeling like the less trusted, less favored kid, and yeah, that stings.
Tell your mom and dad you want an explanation as to why you were required to inform your sister about a $4000 loan but she wasn't required to tell you about a $75,000 loan
Tell them both until you get an honest, truthful answer from them and an apology...you're going to take a break from speaking and seeing them
You also want to know when and how your sister is going to repay that loan because according to them, if they were to die, that money should be going to you...and not just be a debt that gets wiped away for free
So tell them point blank they have to explain themselves and detail how this is all going to get fixed because you won't abide a double standard like this
NTAH
Wow, golden child who knew? Total gaslighting and hypocrisy. They never would have told you about the loan. I would take it as a dagger to the heart. I wouldn’t let them off the hook. Oh, send new email with chair burning in the background ( make sure they send chair). What a disgrace. You know where you stand. Remember, they did this you didn’t.
Regarding the chair, I would have asked the mother: “What’s this for”? And, if true, added: “I’m not interested in it”….”maybe sister would like that, too”
NTA. This is stuff that breaks a family. I'm so sorry. I have been in your shoes when my mom bought my sister a brand new car. I bought my own car at that same age that was an old beater with no features. My mom wondered why I was upset. Uh...
Did you tell her?
Oh yes, I did. She just acted like she couldn't understand why I thought it was unfair.
NTA just ask mom if she thinks that 75k will cover all her care she will need eventually, because she won’t be seeing a dime or a hand from you when she needs it.
"Am I holding a grudge, or am I accurately remembering how I was treated, and refusing to artificially rehabilitate the reputations of the people who treated me like that?"
Hahaha NTA, and I’m in a similar situation. Several years ago, I asked my parents for 10k for a down payment on a tiny condo that they would own and I would pay on. I needed something for me and me kids post-divorce, but it would have been an investment property for THEM…since it wasn’t my money putting the down payment. They said no.
Two weeks ago they called and told me they were giving one of my brothers money for a house. Doing the math between my brothers profession (teacher) and the price point (over 400k), it’s probably a six figure down payment. They specifically said they’d given him enough to where they could afford the mortgage. They said they’d make it up in the inheritance.
Suuuuper. This is the same brother whose life was subsidised (home, groceries, childcare, etc) while he, his wife, and sons lived with them for nearly a decade well into a six figure range. They couldn’t/wouldn’t help me with childcare or even company because they were exhausted by my brothers 3 kids.
I needed their help for survival. He basically is getting their help to thrive. It feels terrible, and the resentment is real.
I don’t have a solution, but I see your situation. Hard NTA.
NTA- step dad said “oops” but he knew what he was doing he was like oh nah they ain’t playing her like that. But heck no that’s shady asf on their part !
Yikes! Tells your mom and sister you want your sisters loan in writing as well. It needs to done immediately and all can be forgiven! 🤔
I would ask for the same 75k. Put in an investment account for yourself. Match any repayments your sister makes on her “debt” on your own 75k “debt”. Alls fair then! Sounds a bit convoluted but if she doesn’t pay it back, neither do you. * side note- maybe the dad let that nugget slip to the one sister on purpose? 🤔
"If you build the debt into the will, since you made SUCH a big stink about my car payment, then I'll forgive you. I won't forget, but I'll forgive the drama that you created. But I don't want to hear a peep about my debts to you ever again."
Your stepfather also kept the secret, did he deliberately admit it out of guilt?
You're not ungrateful for the chair, you just don't need it and it's not suitable for the house. You are awesome not willing to be fobbed off with crap.
Sit your folks down and say that you need the matching $75k now. If your sister's not paying it back then it's part of her inheritance.
Fucking hell do we have the same parents? My father made me sell literal blood to pay him back for an emergency brake repair job, but then turned around and loaned (gave) my sister almost $20K for a down-payment on her house.
I got hounded daily for two weeks until he flew from New Jersey to Nevada to literally collect the money from me at a blood bank. And I'm very much aware his plane tickets cost more than what he loaned me.
If you weren't in America, I'd ask if we had the same father
NTA
Glad they chose the favourite, tell your parents when they are old and senile that your sister will obviously look after them and move them into her home.
My parents paid in full for my sisters wedding and knocked $100k off the market price of their home so she could buy it from them.
While they acknowledge they've basically given her $150k and me nothing and would like to make it up somehow, they don't have a pot to piss in and I'm just SOL.
Could be worse for you!
I honestly think it's about the transparency, they made her tell the sister about a small loan, but they forgot to tell OP about a $75,000 loan. I honestly think the stepdad did it on purpose just to bring it all full circle to make sure OP knew about it, and force the sister to actually start paying on it.
NTA. The favoritism is appalling. Tell them that when they gift you $75K, you will be ready to not be bitter anymore. Tell them it’s up to them to fix things, not you.
Hoping that people will hold themselves accountable for moral compasses they set isn't unreasonable. Getting treated poorly because of that certainly creates azzholes, though you're not 1.
OP, you are certainly NTA. Your parents are treating your sister in a way that's unfair to you. One day they'll likely be gone and only you and your sister remain. Your parents and your sister have destroyed any chance of the siblings having a good relationship. That's lousy parenting!
My older sister, who cannot adult (she’s over 60 now) always went to my parents for $. I never did. I feel for them - as a parent myself I would find it hard not to help my kid. Once. Or maybe twice depending on the circumstances. But over and over and over she did this. I was in a meeting with my parent’s financial advisor yesterday. They are very elderly now and I take care of everything for them. The freaking advisor was aware of how much $ she got from them. I have to work at living my happy life and not being bitter. I refuse to let her failures change my zen. Try not to let this change your zen.
This is NC territory. I’d be LIVID. Guess you know who the golden child is and it’s not you.
I get why you're mad, OP... Hell, I'd be furious if my family kept a 75k secret from me while expecting me to appreciate their love and support. That's some twisted shit. NTA
You say your mom offered you an ugly chair for free because she thought you weren't sounding appreciative enough? Honestly, that's rich coming from someone who let her kid buy a house with no help or transparency whatsoever... She should be giving YOU something nice as a sincere apology.
So yeah, I think hiding that loan was wrong and you have every right to feel bitter. But it sounds like your family is at least trying now, the chair thing might just be their misguided attempt at making amends. Maybe we could help them figure out better ways to show gratitude? Like... an actual heartfelt "we're sorry" instead of material crap?
I read it more as "her mother thought that her REJECTING the ugly free chair showed a lack of appreciation."
Because you know, it's an equal gift to the significant deposit her sister had.
Damn! Favouritism happens and destroy relationships.
Has she emailed you now? Is she still on the hook for the loan in the case of death
NTA. Tell your mother to eff off in no uncertain terms. You now know who the "golden child" is.
Tell Mom you will only be appreciative of a $75,000 secret chair.
She knows the rules.
Wouldn’t go off the deep end but you can ask (calmly) how they think it looks to you and why on God’s green earth did your sister need to be on notice of your car loan? Clearly also a different trust level. Sis definitely complicit here and sounds like she and your Mother run that roost. … Sis will continue to angle going forward.
Agree with putting a little space there. Kudos to you for buying your house w/o the help.
It is mortgage loan fraud to borrow money for a down payment and not disclose to the mortgage lender. If the loan is disclosed, you're almost certain to be denied.
NTA tell your mom to appreciate that chair up her lying biased ass and you are still waiting for an apology for the way she treats you differently.
Yea... family is shit like that.
Tell your parents she can pay back the loan by being their primary caregiver as they age because you’re out. NTA.
Go LC with all of them. If they ask what they can do to repair the relationship, tell them it comes with a $75K price tag.
But also remind them as they age, when they need help (and they probably will) to remember to call the $75K golden child and not expect anything from you. Then block them and go live your best life.
Yup. My parents moved 3 miles away from me yet wonder why I don't come over. My driveway is gated so they can't come here. All because of shit just like this.
Similar situation. I feel your pain and anger. You are a better person and not a moocher so keep that in mind. Also, your mom can keep her ugly chair.
NTA. That's a HUGE!
Updateme
Life ain't fair, but this is ridiculous.
NTA
NTA... ALL reasons previously stated
Thats some shit show parenting. This type of parenting divide family and siblings.
NTA.
Consider the financial favoritism your mother’s way of choosing who is going to be stuck helping her in her old age.
You should also operate on the assumption that most, if not all, of any inheritance will be going to your sister. She has produced the Sacred Grandchildren, which I’m guessing is why the “loan” was extended to her without the same requirements as those imposed on you.
Oh, man, do parents have favorites! The talent in parenting is tamping down the desire to do something unfair. It is possible.
Oh, is the chair worth 75k ? You stuffed 75k in the cushions? Oh, well, sister, with her big ol house that she didn’t exactly pay for and all probably has a place to put that chair
And that is another reason to not loan money to family.
NTA but i suggest to get something in writing for confirmation of the loan you might need this later on.
Updateme
NTA - but just stop being in contact with your mother. She has nothing of value to add to your life.
NTA, I had something similar happen to me.
I don’t ask my dad for money because he’s always been controlling and manipulative. When I was transitioning from high school and college, he once threatened to take my cell phone away because I wanted to go out ‘on a school night.’ So, I gave him the phone and bought my own the next day, and never asked him for money.
Many years later, I’d moved out into my own apartment with no help, moved half a dozen times with no help, and finally ended up buying my own house with no help. No down payment assistance, no moving, nothing. In the meantime, my older brother has bought/sold into his 4th house, and the whole family helped him move every time.
So, I got married a few years ago. My dad offered to help with the wedding. My wife and I had already budgeted and planned for a wedding within a reasonable budget and had gotten help from her family, so I basically replied ‘we’d be happy for any help, but it’s already planned and budgeted, so no worries.’ It’s worth noting that my dad has money, and has always been the one to point out how much money he makes. Anyways, he insisted and said ‘ I can help, I paid $10k for your brothers open bar, how much is yours?’ I reacted sort of surprised and he said ‘yea, I’ve helped him out a ton, I loaned him money for every one of his houses that he’s bought.’
I was furious. It wasn’t the ‘but what about my inheritance’ because I honestly don’t expect any inheritance from him. It was just the fucking frustration of him spending years and years bragging about how much money he’s made and how many times over the years I’d been BROKE and barely getting by, yet my brother was getting tens of thousands, likely hundreds of thousands, in down payment assistance from the bank of dad, when both he and his wife have always made good money. And it’s not like I would have wanted bailouts or loans from him then either, but just the idea that he was so nonchalantly helping my brother all these times when my brother didn’t need it.
A little off the question, but I thought there were rules about parents loaning money for a down payment and a form has to be filled out that it does not need to be repaid. Could that be why they didn’t say anything or put it in writing?
Sounds like my boyfriends family. His sister got a whole ass house. Him? Nothing. Well I shouldn’t say nothing. A promise to help him with a new car. It’s been two years now. Still no new car lol. NTA it sucks to be treated differently by your own family.
Asked my parents for a loan. 2 options Pay it now in installments Or It's taken out of your side of the inheritance If my bro gets some extra cash I ain't gonna complain
Why are you all borrowing money from family? What do you expect?
Your parents have shown you who they are and what they think of you.
They don't owe you anything. You're an adult.
NTA. I’d call them out on the obvious double standard and say you want sister to do an email like you had to. Could also point out that the chair wouldn’t help you financially as much as a secret 75k would (but that’s a petty response that I would do and could cause other issues)
Doesn’t seem fair but it’s their money to be fair or not fair with. Also who said being petty is a bad thing. You have every right to disagree with their actions
You’re NTA, but your whole family is so tacky to be talking about inheritances like this. It’s gross.
NTA
It's their money after all. They are behaving unfairly but it is their money still. You can take distance tho
NTA. Now you know who the favorite kid is. Act accordingly.
updateme
Kudos to step dad: sounds line he knew exactly what he was doing!
I'm wondering if stepdad did it on purpose also, one, to make sure OP knew about it, and two, to make sure that the sister started paying back the loan.
Your mom reminds me of my Grandads.
Grand dad 1-
He bought 2 parcels of property. Later, he gave each of them to 2 of his favorite Kids (Kid 2 & Kid 4). He asked the other 2 (Kid 1 & Kid 3) to "sing off" that they legally give away any rights to claim the property (though that is technically not needed as he has every right to give away his property to anyone). He also "asked" the 2 Kids who got the property to "compensate" the other 2 Kids by paying the equivalent of the property's value in 1995. There was no legal obligation though. He could have very well made it a legal obligation in the "agreement" he made the Kids 1 & 3 to sign. But didn't do it. Because - Favoritism.
Kid 2 paid off the monetary value of the property she got, to Kid 3 over 20 years (in the meantime the property value literally sky rocketed 15 times from 1995 valuation). Kid 4 should have paid the monetary value to Kid 1 (my dad). Instead he decided to blow up a "non-issue" into a huge family fight and went incommunicado, and avoided paying even a single penny.
My uncle (Kid 4) decided it was easier to Not have any relationship or communication with his elder brother (my dad) than to pay the property's value. He very well knew my dad cannot do anything other than "asking" him, which he cannot do if they're not in speaking terms.
Grand dad 2 -
He wrote a will, and showed it to his Son, and didn't even inform his daughter (my mom) about the existence of a Will. He was friendly & cordial his whole life with both his Kids. He died. There was no discussion about inheritance of the property. A decade later, my Uncle sends my mom the will my grand dad had written in Whatsapp. My Grand dad had written the will stating his properties & investment will be going to his "only son". The language in the will was written in such a way that, if a stranger reads it, they will think my Grand dad had just one son & no other Kids.
My mom felt heartbroken & saw her sobbing, after she read this. She didn't give a damn about the property, but not even recognizing her as Child broke her heart.
Parents showing favoritism are the worst.
stuff like this happens in all families. my grandfather left my sister a significant amount of additional real estate a while ago ... for a while it really rankled that my sister bought the "logic" behind the bequest and I just stopped talking to her. after a few years I just had to let it go in the interest of having a relationship. I'm sure my sister thinks she's been treated unfairly relative to me in ways by other family members so there's probably never going to be an accounting that we both agree on. ... i've seen stuff like this in my wife's family too. i think if I had less money than my sister it would probably be more of an issue.
I understand the hurt. But having lost much of my family due to much much much much worse, I hope you guys can work it out to move forward.
It's not up to OP to work out, now is it? She didn't break it, so how can she fix it?
No, this is up to mother and sister to make it right. But they won't.
Sister needs to be paying back that loan. I am guessing that mum and dad, like most of us, aren't in the income bracket that this sort of money doesn't matter.
Apart from anything else, it would have given OP a chance for an equivalent leg up. Sister is taking the piss.
You need to get it in the will that if the money isn't paid back and notorized that it is you get the 75k before anything is split. Alternatively they could give you 75k so you can pay down your mortgage.
UpdateMe
I read a parent can gift $19,000 each yr to child, both parents $38,000 per year. If there is a mortgage, parents probably needed to document w/ signatures that it was indeed a gift w/ no pay back requirement, or the sister prob wouldn’t qualify. If a gift, IRS would prob be informed automatically. Something’s wrong w/ this whole setup as presented to you. IRS is diligently looking at big money transfers that are recorded, such as cash for a house, asking for proof where it came from. Hell, banks have to report transfers of $10,000 or more. If your county has open records, go to clerk of the court to view the mortgage. Go to property appraiser to see who holds the deed (& what type of deed it is). Would anyone ‘loan’ that amount without legal input? I doubt it. I don’t believe an email can obligate you to pay your sister any $ your parents ‘loaned’ you. Unless your parents had you sign an IOU, right? Are you getting signed & dated receipts as you pay back the car loan? Then there’s the fact that it is actually their money business anyway. What would your reaction have been if informed. Outrage, maybe? Joy that they could help your sister? It’s horrible the always needy child gets way more of everything, including financial help, over the responsible sibs. But it happens frequently. Step away & look at your actions & reactions w/ these people, including why step dad actually ‘let it slip’. Tell them you need time away from them to accept who you now realize you are to them. Take time, & let them in later, if YOU want. You may find you’re in a better place w/out them in your life, like a weight off your shoulders. And, frankly, if you believe you & sis are equals in any will they leave, you probably shouldn’t not count on it.
NTA.
Your sister now has a nice home for your parents to live in when they can‘t take care of themselves.
NTA- similar situation here. Sister lives on a $3 million piece of property my parents own and pays $400 rent (apparently) I asked them to co-sign my mortgage after my divorce so I wouldn’t lose my house. They said no 🤷♀️. I lost my house. She still lives on the farm. It sucks and it’s hurtful, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with that 😟
Since I don’t know your stepdad, so I don’t his reasoning behind it, but I don’t believe your stepdad let this information slip on accident. Whatever his reasoning was, the relationship between your mother, your sister and you is different now. A free ugly chair isn’t going to fix this.
You worked hard to save the money for the down payment on your home. You should’ve been offered the same opportunity. I would be bitter too.
NTA
I would send your stepdad some flowers just to say “thanks”. Give yourself as much time as you need to come to terms with this. It won’t be easy because you have integrity, there are others that don’t.
。 ，。 子UC。，先。
Just to spell it out: THAT 75k WAS NOT A LOAN, IT WAS A GIFT!
NTA
YTA it isn’t your money until it is given to you. it isn’t your sister’s fault that they didn’t want you to accidentally end up with more should they die before your loan was paid off, and that they’re comfortable with your sister getting more in the same circumstance. there’s no way of knowing if they intend for you to inherit anything at all and that’s fine.
So does your sister now owe you 37500? It doesnt seem lkke they plan on paying that. Id be pissed too.
I got told their grandchildren needed a roof over their precious little heads and since I got the male genitalia tough noogies for me! NTA
Why tf do yall owe each other if your parents die. Neither of yall are ta but your parents are.
Sis is the ta too. She knew OP had to email when she borrowed a much smaller amount and knew she didn’t have to do the same. She’s just as much to blame as the parents.
If her parents didn't set these kind of expectations then they wouldn't be having this problem.
Owe the estate.
It’s not your business
Normally I'd agree with you, but if they die and she hadn't known about the loan she'd be out that part of her inheritance.
OP is clearly not the favourite child and it shows.
But they don’t “owe you” an inheritance. Anything we get is a gift, not a guarantee, and should be treated as such.
Not the AH , my mother in law is like this, her whole world is secrets,wife found out that her little sister was gifted well over 100k for her house, first time I ever seen my wife lose it. Of course her mother says it was a loan and the little sister lost it because she said it was a gift and it can’t come out of her inheritance. Mother in law is still alive and refusing to even mention it even there is no paper trail at all.
One of many things that are not spoken of.
Tell your mom to go appreciate the wedge she drove between you and your sister and how she won't have family to lean on because of of her favoritism. Then wish them both good luck and take some space for yourself.
Exactly this, OP! The whole situation just screams favoritism and they don’t even seem ashamed about it. You’re not being dramatic or petty, you’re reacting to a clear betrayal. Taking space is the healthiest thing you can do right now.
Tell mum you hope sister has a spare room in that big house first, because OP won't be taking care of mum in her old age.
Then take a nice big break.
Exactly, your feelings are valid, I get parents have favorites, they just can’t help it, but making it this obvious at the detriment of the other is just wrong NTA in any way
Favoritism like this can cause long-lasting damage to family bonds. It's understandable to feel hurt and betrayed. Focusing on your new home and creating a positive environment for yourself sounds like a healthy way forward.
Yeah I feel damaged. I’m going to try and take y’all’s advice.
Putting them in timeout -- just ghost them -- for a year and see if you want them in your life.
Because apparently your sister is worth a $75k gift, while you have to be babysat over $7k. Oh yeah, sure they were going to pay that back. By the way, they lied on the mortgage paperwork and said it was a gift. In a certified letter even. Or no mortgage. So it is legally a gift with abundant paperwork to back that up.
Does that mess with the taxes involved in the purchase?
this gift is probably tax free. Each person in the marriage can gift each of sister and her husband $19k tax free. $19 times 4 is $76k, so this is probably free and clear.
Even above that there is no tax hit until the 10's of millions, it just needs to be reported.
You should also demand that email be sent to you by your sister. You need to have a paper trail for that loan. Or get them to admit to it in a text message.
Are you the more responsible sibling? The one that parents never had to worry about and your sister is the hot mess they need to constantly help?
Focusing in this context means very low to NC with mother and sister. Throw in stepfather too.
"...they just can’t help it..."
They can, if they are GOOD PARENTS.
OP's obviously aren't.
NTA, OP.
Best wishes for a bright future! ☺️🥰🙏❤️
My mom would say, “when you have kids, you’ll see that one of them will need you more than the others.” It’s shit like that that led to none of her kids having children.
It’s not really about the money, it’s about feeling left out and treated differently. That would hurt anyone. Wanting the same honesty and fairness your sister got isn’t being petty; it’s completely human.
Or....you can pick her nursing home. I'm sure sister won't be around....conveniently of course.
Perhaps there needs to be a master list compiled of the worst nursing homes available, to help guide decisions in cases like this.
Nursinghomedatabase.com ask and ye shall receive.
Agree.
This is the only way
Yes. This.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let’s find out their net worth first. Don’t wanna do anything too hasty and get cut out of the will.
On the ugly chair
This is the best way to deal with this bullshit.