I (24F) have a cousin who is moving to the UK soon. She’s my dad’s niece (her mum and my dad are siblings).
My parents divorced 10 years ago after a messy and traumatic relationship involving domestic violence. They’ve had no contact since the divorce, and my mum has removed herself from that side of the family in terms of personal ties, though she remains friendly and cordial with her ex in-laws when necessary. I live with my mum, and my relationship with my dad is separate.
To make things even more emotionally difficult, my mum recently lost her own mum (my maternal grandma), so we’re both grieving.
When my cousin’s move to the UK came up, my mum spoke directly to my aunt and made it very clear from the beginning that she would not be housing her. She said my dad should take responsibility for his niece. As far as my mum was concerned, the matter was settled.
But despite that, my cousin, aunt, and dad all seemed to just assume my cousin would be staying with us, meaning at my mum’s house.
Then my cousin casually told me I’d be picking her up from the airport. I didn’t mind doing that, but I let her know I’d be dropping her off at my dad’s. She looked confused and said, “Nooo I’m coming to your house.” I asked if my mum knew about that, and she said her mum had spoken to mine. But when I brought it up with my mum, she was like, “I told them your dad should house her.”
When I relayed all this to my dad, he said his living situation isn’t ideal as he lives with his girlfriend in a flat share. I said, “She’ll have to stay with you,” and he looked shocked. His response was, “Isn’t she your cousin?” and I replied, “Isn’t she your niece?”
It’s not my house, and it’s not my place to offer anyone a place to stay. My mum has no obligation to house her ex-husband’s relatives, especially not while grieving her own mother. She was clear and respectful from the beginning, and still this has somehow landed back on her doorstep.
I care about my cousin and want to support her however I can, but I feel caught in the middle of something that was never mine to handle.
Am I wrong for backing my mum? Should I be doing more, or is this really my dad’s responsibility to sort out?
Edit: I can’t pick her up from the airport as she is landing while I’m away on holiday, I told my dad that he would have to pick her up and he just gave me so much attitude, asking me why I didn’t tell my cousin to chose a different flight and why I didn’t let her know before she booked the flights that I’d be away
You're absolutely right, and you must back her up. That is pretty shocking entitlement, to expect her to take this person in. Just say absolutely not, and do not try and fix the situation beyond that, it's your Dad's job. NTA.
Exactly—this is your dad’s circus, his monkeys. Your mum set her boundaries clearly; it’s not her job to be the fallback plan.
NTA. Your mum was clear, they ignored it. Your dad’s trying to dodge his own responsibility not your problem.
NTA
Cousin and her family are ridiculously entitled.
Just a thought: Does your cousin require a visa to move to the UK? Is it possible they have made a visa application on the basis that she would be staying with you and your mother? Is it possible someone has presented themselves as you or your mother to UK immigration authorities during a visa application?
She does need a visa, and in the early days of her application process her mum had asked my mum to use our address in which my mum said “no, use your brothers” so they could have well have used our address anyway as my dad use to live here before he was sent packing 10 years ago
You should contact the local office for whoever handles those visas and ensure someone did not fraudulently use your address for the visa. If they did, the visa would be voided as a fraudulently gained document iirc and they would need to resubmit for her visa under legal and true circumstances. Do not let her arrive with a visa showing that yall are sponsoring her.
Providing just an address does not mean that you’re sponsoring. A person who is coming on a visa can literally put down the address of the hotel they are staying at when they first land. It’s just so the UK govt has some indication of where you’ll be/how to contact you (and historically which post office to send your documents to).
Start a chat with cousin, dad, and her parents.
Let them know to coordinate cousin's travel with your dad since as HER relative, he'll be the one hosting her. And should be the one picking her up from the airport. (Doesn't matter whether you're around or not when she travels. Do not pick her up. Stay away from that whole mess)
Tell them your mom's home isn't an option and hasn't been since the divorce.
Tell them you'd hate for her to come all the way to the UK and then have to travel back to the home country or end up homeless due to lack of planning.
And then leave the chat.
Edit: After your dad moved out, did you guys change the locks? If your dad still has keys to your house, he might give them to her.
yep, this, change locks and try to check with immigration if your address has been fraudulently used in the visa application.
also blocking everyone after leaving the chat is an option, or mute them and don't read a thing. some leaving message can be used, like "I advise all of you to not try to push or gaslight me or my mom about my dad's relatives or responsabilities. I already received very innapropiate messages about this."
Suspicious!!
OP please do more digging!
NTA - the only person responsible for your cousin’s housing is your cousin
We don’t know how old the cousin is or what she was promised when she made the decision to come. If she took a job there or signed up for college classes specifically because her uncle promised her housing, I’d say he owes her that.
Op and her mom have no obligation to anyone in any of this, but I don’t think you can immediately throw blame on the cousin when this could be a kid coming for school, or a young adult coming from another country who’s relying on her family to help her assimilate. We don’t know anything about her situation or what she was told prior to this.
We also don’t know if the cousin is being demanding, or if she simply thought she was going along with the set plans. If her mom said “your cousin will get you at the airport and take you to her house” then it’s not that wild for her to text op and say “hey! I hear you’re picking me up and bringing me home”. Op even said she seemed confused by the response. Not mad or defensive, simply confused.
This all falls back on the dad and the aunt, who were specifically told “No” by OP’s mom and went ahead anyway.
Yeah, cousin might be innocent in all this, which makes her a victim also. But that does not require your mom to house her.
NTA. If your cousin was misled by her mom, show some pity on her. Not by offering her a place to live, but by meeting her for lunches out, showing her some sites, doing normal cousin things.
That might not be true, we don't know how old the cousin is. Either way it's not OP or her mother's responsibility.
Just make sure that you prepare your mother - your father will 100% deliver the cousin to her doorstep. She should not answer the door. Or her phone.
NTA
NTA. This really isn't your...or your mother's...responsibility to fix. Everyone else involved is guilty of playing the pressure and assumption game and that's on them.
Exactly. They assumed, ignored clear boundaries, and now want you to clean it up. NTA your dad needs to step up, not pass the buck.
Aah, the old classic of inviting people to live in other peoples houses. Your dad is the AH.
NTA. Your father is trying to continue his abuse. He's trying to exert control over your mother's house. Contact your cousin and TELL her she cannot stay with your mother. If she tries, she will be trespassed. That means an interaction with the local police and as a new arrival to the country, that won't be a good start. Period. "No" is a complete sentence.
NTA it’s mind blowing to me that someone would move entire countries without serious discussion about where they would be staying when they moved to the new country.
Is your cousin looking for an accommodation for a few months while she finds a job and her own place to stay or does she think she’s moving in longer term?
How old is she? Is your dad’s family usually this bad at planning? Are they usually this selfish?
My cousin is 26 and has a been given a job in care. I think she was looking to stay long term and yes my dads family are horrible at planing and selfish
Please keep sticking up for you and your mum. I wouldn’t even let her come over, she’ll probably bring her bags and you won’t be able to get her out. Your Dad can grow up and deal with this nonsense.
She can arrange her own transport from the airport too.
My mum was even nice and said she could come for weekends, but said that our home will not be my cousins main residence when she arrives
No. Do not do this.
And, most importantly, if any post comes to your house for your cousin, write 'not at this address, return to sender' on it and put it back in the postbox.
Do not give her any chance to try to claim she lives at your address.
Your mom should take back this offer.
You should NEVER EVER invite your cousin over to your mom's. Not even for a visit.
Always meet in public places.
You think the cousin would become a squatter? It sounds like the dad is shitty, but we don't know about the cousin's character. She might be a lovely person with crappy family members. OP doesn't seem to dislike her, she just doesn't want to house her full time. I feel bad for the cousin.
Anyone else really concerned for the people your cousin is supposedly going to care for when she’s this entitled and out of touch with reality?
I was wondering the same. Also which country are they moving from?
I don't know that many people, well none actually that just move countries to go to live with distant relatives without a proper agreed plan of living accommodation sorted with family prior to booking tickets.
Someone has been telling far too many porky pies to other relatives. "Of course they would live to have you"
Sorry but if you didn't hear it from the horses mouth it didn't come out of it.
Updateme!
She’s moving from Nigeria
I know some cultures claim the woman even after she divorces one of their own. Still feel like they own her. Especially if dowry was paid. I even know some women who've gone to extreme lengths of paying back dowry to their in-laws to nullify that claim.
Is your culture like this?
NTA. There are plenty of hotels, hostels, airbnbs, etc. around.
NTA. You and your mother owe nothing. You do not need to pick her up from the airport. You do not have to provide accommodation. They may as well not come to the UK till they have somewhere sorted that is not with you.
This should have been settled long before cousin's flight food off. People should never assume that someone is going to do something this big. Cousin should have clarified her living arrangements a long time ago. Really, it's her job to secure housing.
There could be some difficult conversations at passport control. If you are on a long-term visa, they will check details. Where you will live is likely one of them. Border Force are quite happy to make 'phone calls while you sweat outside their office.
NTA. They're entitled and had no consideration for you or your mom. Your dad is TA for pawning your cousin off on your mom even though she told them she would not be hosting her. They were informed, now they have to deal with the consequences.
What the actual, your father has some nerve. Nta for backing your mum i hope the nice isn't forced on mum.
NTA - Make sure mom doesn't let her in!
NTA. Your mother has zero connection to this young woman, and you do not have your own place. Dad needs to step up and arrange housing for his niece.
WHY is your cousin moving to the UK? Is she a citizen of the UK? NOW is the time to contact your aunt directly and be very very clear that if your cousin comes to the US your mom will not be housing her under any circumstances and that either auntie needs to talk to her brother about housing her OR rent her a hotel or air B&B.
Use direct unequivocal language.
You really don't matter in this situation. It's your mum's house so only her opinion counts.
Kind of true. But OP needs to have her mother's back.
In the hierarchy of responsibility the bio family are at the top of the list. So your dad needs to step up and sort it out.
It’s not mums responsibility.
Sounds like dad just wants to pass the responsibility to someone else. Boohoo you can’t pick her up from the airport and now HE has to take care of her.
My bet was he was banking on you picking her up and then not being home when you tried to drop her off - now he HAS to step up. Let him. And don’t lift a finger.
I see why your mother divorced your father. NTAH
ALSO does your dad have keys to your mom's house? If so you need to change the locks IMMEDIATELY.
Okay, right off the bat, NTA. Now, important: DOES YOUR DAD HAVE KEYS TO YOUR MOMS/YOUR HOUSE? If the answer is yes, changes the locks before you go away. Your dad is out of his mind with entitlement and there is a non-zero chance he tries something. Prevent all avenues now.
NTA
How entitled of not only your father but your cousin. Doesn't even ask if you can pick her up, just tells you. Sheesh.
What's your relationship like with this cousin? What about your mother's relationship with her? Obviously you are NTA, I'm just asking for curiosity's sake.
Nope. I’ll drop you anywhere but my house.
NTA. Your dad needs to grow up. It’s ludicrous to assume or even ask your ex wife who you abused to take your niece in. If he can’t house her then she needs to back to her parents and stay with them.
NTA but your dad sure is!! Your cousin should have spoken to your mother before ever booking a flight!! She's going to learn that the hard way. Block her number, tell mom to block her too and tell dad it's HIS job to pick up and house her. NOT his ex wifes!!!!!
Updateme
NTA. None of this has anything to do with you. You don't own the house that your cousin thinks she's staying at. Your mom is not related to or has any obligation to your cousin or their side of the family. Their assumptions, even after being told that your cousin won't be stating at your mom's house, has nothing to do with you.
NTA
None of this is your problem. Why is your dad expecting you to handle picking her up? It isn't your responsibility to organize her travel plans or living situation.
Your mother made it clear from the start that your cousin, someone she isn't related to, was not able to stay there. Why is any of this your mother's problem? Your mother shouldn't have any part of this.
This is your paternal cousin. Your paternal side of the family should be handling all of the arrangements. Their request, which seems more of a demand for your mother to assist, is ridiculous. Especially considering your recent loss.
Tell your family to leave your mother alone. Help out if you can, but don't do all the work while they do nothing. I am sorry for your loss.
NTA. This is between dad, aunt and cousin. I’m so sorry for you and mom’s loss.
NTA. WTF is wrong with your father and his family?!?! I'm guessing you're from a culture where family is intensively involved in supporting family, but this is an overreach. You're right, if your father wants his niece to be taken care off, he can do it himself. Even if you did own the house, he doesn't get to tell you someone has to stay with you.
NTA. This is one of the weirdest situations I’ve read on Reddit, and I’ve read some freaky stuff.
It’s very presumptuous of your cousin and your father’s family that your mother would agree to host her.
Your cousin is not your responsibility and your father will have to figure it out.
NTA. Its your dads niece. Its not your moms obligation to house her. She can if she wants to, but she doesnt have too. Being your cousin doesnt make her your moms responsibility, but your dads.
The cousin is not yours or your mom's responsibility. I know it will be hard but stand your ground. It seems like your Dad wants to push off his responsibility.
Your dad, your cousin and that entire side of your family are a bunch of assholes. Cut 'em off. NTA
Why is her mom doing it why isn't your cousin booking her own living arrangements
Now you know why your parents are divorced. Your father is foisting his and his sister's responsibility on you. Do not let any of them get away with it. And don't put up with any nonsense from your cousin either. This is called setting boundaries. It's for your mental health and your mom's too. You are not a doormat!
NTA, your father is totally out of touch with reality.
Wtf, what kind of shitty level entitlement is this? I am guessing Asian? Coz we do have that kind of entitlement.
NTA, the audacity of offering someone else's home! Especially the home of you ex-wife! Niece can come and stay with him and you should start ignoring them.
The woman is 24. She can find her own accommodation.
I said, “She’ll have to stay with you,” and he looked shocked. His response was, “Isn’t she your cousin?” and I replied, “Isn’t she your niece?”
😙👌
NTA of course.
NTA
And your dad's about to find out that there's nothing he can do about it.
She is your dad’s problem not your mother.
Change the locks to make sure your dad doesn’t house her in your place. Get a cheap camera from Amazon to record the entrance. Send a message to your aunt, cousin, dad, his girlfriend, anyone else who might do something stupid, that she is not welcome at your place. And under no circumstances allow her to even visit. She can claim you changed your mind and asked get to live with you and then it would be practically impossible to remove her any time soon. NTA and please listen to me, we essentially had to sell our house and leave the country because of a similar situation with relatives.
NTA.
NTA. The cousin is 24 yrs old, man the ship yourself as an adult!
Edit: I can’t pick her up from the airport as she is landing while I’m away on holiday, I told my dad that he would have to pick her up
NTA but you’re not handling this well. This holiday timing is actually great for you. I would’ve suggested you find a way to be unavailable. And warn your mom of the expected arrival date too, so she has more time to decide how she wants to handle it.
Presuming your cousin is an adult, just text her directly: Sorry, I can’t pick you up from the airport after all. Let’s catch up after I’m back in town! How about <lunch or activity> on <date>?
It’s presumptuous of you to tell your dad what he has to do. “Sorry, I can’t pick her up.” And subject change. Deciding how and when she travels or where she stays is not your responsibility and you should avoid commenting on it especially with a third party (your dad).
She can get a taxi. She can ask her uncle. There might be public transit. She has options, and she has authority of the decision not you or your dad. (If she’s underage, this is on her parents or guardian, still not you.)
Your play is to avoid getting into a situation where you can be used against your mother. They are trying to manipulate you through triangulation.
For example, the airport ride, when they would’ve pressured you to take the cousin to your Mom’s so then it’s YOU asking her for the favor of putting up your cousin, rudely at the last minute when she already said no. Your best bet is to be unavailable. Let cousin figure out what to do on her own. If they show up unexpectedly at your Mom’s, it’ll be easier for your mom to hold her boundaries, without having to worry about hurting your feelings.
Wow! The comment that got me is she is your cousin. It seems like your father has a problem taking care of his own family shalom you're loved 💔
I believe TA here is your dad ngl,he offered up a space that was not his,a space where he was clearing not welcomed and expected you to suck up to it,it's extremely insensitive to also know you're grieving and instead of allowing you your space,try and push someone into it, you should definitely not let them know where you live if they don't already and not involve yourself in their shenanigans,it's not your responsibility.
Your dad can’t outsource responsibility just because it’s more convenient your mum set a boundary, and you’re just respecting it.
NTA. Your dad needs to take the stick out of his rear. It’s not your responsibility to house your cousin and it sure as hell isn’t your mom’s responsibility either.
None of that is your responsibility or even your dad's. Let them fuss over it.
You’re 24, get out of their petty fight. Just tell your cousin you’ll visit her when you get a chance and step out. Not your monkey, not your circus.
HIS family - HIS problem.
And as you pointed out - it is your mothers house, and she said no - end of story. No discussion possible.
NTA
How embarrassing how your dad that he can’t house his own sisters child. Like if family is so important to him he would make it work. Your cousin is his own flesh and blood yet he doesn’t want to house her and would rather someone unrelated to her take care of that?? And his sister is cool with that?? These people are weird, NTA
I do feel sorry for you (and your cousin maybe?) this can’t be an easy situation
NTA. It sounds like your father and his family believe all domestic labor belongs only to women. So, naturally, they assume your mother should gladly accept responsibility for housing someone else’s child. Refusing that obligation is the correct course of action.
NTA- but your father is. He has absolutely no business committing your mother’s house to his niece. Technically, she is no relative to your mother since they are divorced, and your mother made it very clear that she cannot stay there. Definite plans for your cousins housing should be made before she makes the move. The house is not yours to invite guests to stay there and your father is trying to shirk any responsibility to her. Stand your ground and don’t give into his bullying. If your cousin can’t find housing for herself, she better not move. It’s really her responsibility to take care of herself if she is an adult.
Updateme
you got this, girl
NTA
They're attempting to steamroll your mother. The only one who might be unaware that your Mum said no is your cousin. The rest are thinking if the cousin just turns up, your nother will have no choice. Speak loudly, speak clearly.
Absolutely no one makes plans for you or your mother. If you're on holiday, well, too bad cousin, you should have discussed dates with me first.
NTA the entitlement of your dad and aunt is fucked up they assume that u would house your cousin just because they said so .
"all seemed to just assume" and "somehow landed back on her doorstep"
Because your father and his family still believe your mother has no say in her own life. She does and was clear that her ex-husband and ex-inlaws are no longer her duty, as it should be.
Your cousin is the only person you need to clear up the situation with as it seems her mother and uncle are lying to her. I'd make it clear to her that you are not involved in her immigration process, so she needs to sort out the facts herself as you don't have anything to provide beyond a city tour once she arrives.
Beyond that, you don't need to be involved. NTA
Oh, let her stay, it'll be like a '90 sitcom
Updateme
NTA
"No.". Repeat as necessary. Neither your cousin, aunt nor father should have assumed your cousin could move in with you without discussing it with you and your mother. Nope.
Their lack of planning isn't your emergency.
Odd . Did she not provide a UK address oh her appliccation?
You've got the right of it, don't let yourself get roped in. You didn't invite her, don't pick her up.
Update
Updateme
You should put up your cousin for a few weeks until she settles in. Your parents problems are not her fault. You might find she’s a nice person and you like her.
OP lives with her mother, who is under no obligation to host this young woman. Liking her is not the issue. Not having her own place to offer is.
If she is coming for a holiday you can house her for a few days since she's your cousin. If she's moving permanently for study or job then she's way out of line to just presume that she will be handed over accommodation without you and your mom expressly offering to house her first. NTA.
I think you and your mum should stop punishing other family members for your dad's transgressions.
You'll damage your relationship with your own cousin (and your mum with her niece, because whether she likes it or not, she is her niece) doing this stuff.
But tbf, it seems like you're all terrible at planning and organising things. ESH.
The cousin in question is 26. She's coming for a job. She is not a minor needing a guardian. No one is responsible for housing her other than her. Entitlement ruins relationships. Setting boundaries and saying no, makes for healthy relationships.
I agree I did say this whole extended family as a whole are clearly terrible at planning and communicating with each other.
They all clearly hate each other.
How is she OP’s Mum’s niece??! She’s the niece of her ex husband, who physically abused her. There is nothing in the post to suggest that OP’s Mum has any relationship with her ex’s family, now or ever. They don’t even live in the same country. For all you know, OP’s mum has never met her. And no battered woman should be made to feel obligated to maintain ties with an abusive ex’s family, because it inevitably becomes a means of continuing the abuse.
She's her daughter's cousin.
She's her niece.
That's how the title works. It doesn't matter if you don't live in the same country or don't share blood.
The majority of people don't share blood with one of their cousin's parents...
And due to the divorce, is no longer her niece (which was only through marriage)
Yes, it absolutely does matter if they share blood because the marriage is no longer.
Her mother does not owe anyone in her EX husband's family shit.
That's not the same thing.
Through marriage. Not blood.
Just because she's her daughter's cousin does not mean she has any obligation to any one in that family. None.
Ridiculous to even think that.
What if she remarried?
Would that make that young lady the new husband's niece as well?
Got me f'd up with that nonsense.
That's not how it works . She's still the auntie.
Same as how divorce doesn't remove parental titles.
Yes, it does, unless they are the biological parent.
If it's a STEP parent and that STEP parent adopted the child, then yes. Otherwise, once divorced, that STEP parent is now, an ex wife/husband the USED to be STEP parent.
Which country do you live in?
Doesn't work that way in most countries, but maybe there are a few that if you marry someone you are now stuck with their whole family even after divorce for the rest of your life, regardless of marrying someone else.
Guess that means all my husband's are responsible for my children's welfare.
Damn, I did this all wrong!! I could have made bank and just kept marrying a bunch of guys and never had to become self sufficient. Just made all their family responsible.
My daughter could have had 3 Daddy's 3 extra set of grandparents (not including and divorced and new marriages which would have added more grand parents).
Yeah I just can't even wrap my head around this.
That's one of the most stupidest things I've read today.
If she married into a family and her husband already had her daughter and the daughter wasn't biologically related to her, she wouldn't be the auntie of the cousin. Auntie and uncle titles are based on kinship ties, not blood.
That's the entire point of extended families.
Uncles and aunties who are not genetically related to their nephews and nieces are called non-consanguineous aunties or uncles.
Okay, lmao.. you win.
I've lost interest in the contradictory statements.
It's not contradictory. Auntie and uncle titles are based on kinship, not blood, because there's always one partner not related by blood to the nieces or nephews.
Nope, that's not how the titles work. If your child has a cousin, you're either their cousins auntie or uncle. Marriage doesn't determine the title. Neither does blood.
The kinship bonds do.
And there are no 'kinship' bonds between mom and her ex-niece, so zero obligation to this young woman.
Unfortunately for you. There is.
Well, unfortunately for the traveling cousin, unless her uncle steps up, she has no place to stay.
NTA but your dad is. He has no business offering space that isn't his to offer. He's an entitled idiot.
This isn't over. The deadbeat branch of the family is going to keep pushing. Under no circumstances should OP let the cousin come to their home; it will be impossible to get her out. She should be picked up and driven to father's house (so she can't take a cab to OPs). Good luck!
At this point, OP may want to rescind the offer to pick her up. That will complicated OP's life when dad refuses to buzz couz in...and OP needs to find a solution on the spot. Let that entire side of the fam deal with it all because any involvement at this stage of the problem would be a required involvement in the solution...albeit temporal🤷🏽♂️🤷🏽♂️
I think autocorrect struck again. And changed your rescind to remind.
Might be confusing for some.
Thanks for pointing out. Man I changed it at least 3 times when typing too lol
Lmao exactlyyy like how u gonna volunteer someone else’s house?? wild behavior haha! Your dad really said “not my problem” and tried to pass it off like a hot potato.
*abusive entitled idiot. Are we just flooding over the fact they divorced because of violent abuse???
not your circus not your monkeys. dad needs to step up or shut up.
Exactly. He had no right to volunteer someone else’s home like that. It’s wild how entitled people get when they’re not the ones actually offering anything.
Exactly. He doesn’t live there, doesn’t manage the house, and still thought he could volunteer it like it’s his. That’s not how it works.