You put on mask and look happy and do all the things you need to do everyday but then when you’re all alone you are sad, lonely and hopeless.
I've always felt this weight that only gets heavier the older I get. I told my mom I was born unhappy and wasn't a happy kid. She argued, saying yes I was. I informed her I could keep up an act, but when I was alone, I was miserable. I said as I got older I lost the ability to keep it all in, and needed to work on containing it again. She said yeah, I need to keep it to myself again. No mention of being a miserable child
I feel this. I was both a happy and deeply sad child (and now a happy and deeply sad adult). My life is, overall, great, with many things that bring me joy. But in the background, or when it’s just me and my thoughts - and my thoughts periodically overwhelm me and the external joys - I am so down. And it’s a lot harder to bring forward the happy me as I age.
Yes!!! I wonder how many people feel this way. Is this just what life is?
THIS ONE
Yeah, I’m kind of like this. I put on my mask and I show up for my family and try my best at work. But I’m the one carrying the load for everyone right now. My kid is at a day camp about an hour away this week and I have a good cry on my way home in the morning, ready to take in whatever I have to. It’s been therapeutic these past few days.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I hope everyone here can find meaning and happiness.
Not sure if that's what I'm experiencing, but I can do everything I have to, and I make sure I do it well. But when it comes to free time and doing what I want to, I'm unable to do anything else but crash and turn inwards.
If this is high level depression, I’ve always done this. Damn
For me I sing that Creed song where he’s like HOLD ME NOW, IM SIX FEET FROM THE EDGE AND IM THINKING
For me it’s: Wif Aums Wide Opeh
UNDAAAH THE SUNRISE
WELCUMM TEWWW THIS PLAAAAYCE I’LL SHOW YEW EVERYTHANG
MAYBE SIX FEET
Noone said high level depression. Title says, high-functioning depression. So you are functioning quite well(high) but you are also depressed(no indication of level of depression).
Tho, it is probably a few steps away from a high depression unless proper care is taken. I believe any level of depression is like an invasive plant that can grow/expand rapidly.
This, exactly this, when given tasks - fine, deadlines - great, me time or too much time - mind falls apart.
Self sufficiency is indeed one of the pillars
You can always do what is necessary.
What is necessary can definitionally never be too much to do.
It’s just all the other 90% of shit you can convince yourself is necessary that’s the problem.
Ok, no need to type my experience. That nails it.
This this by far the best description by someone who truly experienced that and recognizes all the signs .
Getting a dog/cat honestly helps. (To those that can manage it).
1) theres somebody in the house that depends on you, and needs you to stay outside your shell to thrive (or factors them into your personal shell, whichever gets the job done)
2) They really do sense all your emotions, and can tell when you need a little extra TLC.
3) and this one's most important, theres just something special about knowing the moment you walk back in your home, theres someone waiting who's absolutely THRILLED your back (zero exceptions to that rule in my experience)
I dont recommend anyone getting an animal, though, that can't guarantee they would treat the animal as they would themselves in regards to activities of daily life/support.
You do the things you're supposed to do. Maybe not very well, but you do them. You don't want to do them. You don't want to do anything and when you have a bit of free time you spend it sleeping or existing horizontally. You don't do your hobbies or other things that used to make you happy. You don't really feel sad, angry or happy. You just exist.
I don't know how universal this is but I used to play a game while driving where I'd imagine that someone on the road makes some massive mistake and I end up dying because of it. My psychologist said this is suicidal ideation but I don't know if I agree with that. I wasn't thinking about committing suicide, I would never do that. I was just thinking about dying and being dead.
It’s my understanding is that having suicidal ideation is basically not caring if you live or die e.g. for me it’s like “well at least I won’t feel anything anymore” whereas as suicidal is actively wanting to die, and taking steps toward it. A lot of people mistake the ideation for the active desire, particularly because the word “suicidal” is involved.
Existing horizontally. Yikes. I may or may not be doing that right now
My whole day is spent thinking like this. Maybe this crazy guy in the bus will stab me, maybe this doctor's appointment they'll find cancer, maybe I'll slip in the tub and crack my head open. But they aren't feelings of fear they're feelings of desire. I want these things to happen.
Yeah and you have no desire to socialize or date. People go out and do things all happy and it’s a foreign concept.
A lot of masking. You pretend that everything is fine, because you don't want to talk about it. You don't want people prying into things.
You wake up, and lay in bed for longer than you probably should, before begrudgingly dragging yourself out of bed with just enough time to brush your teeth, wash your face, and get dressed before you go to work. You may or may not eat breakfast.
At work you go through the motions of pretending everything is fine. You do your job. You even do it well, if your coworkers and performance evaluations can be trusted. You feel like you suck at it. You feel like you're doing everything wrong. During breaks you probably do not interact with coworkers. You may stay in your office, go to a corner of the breakroom, or go sit in your car.
After work, you probably grab some fast food on your way home because you're so drained from the day that you know you won't have the energy to cook a proper meal. Or you doordash something once you get home. At the same time, you know you probably shouldn't be spending all this money on takeout or delivery on food that is probably unhealthy, and that makes you feel even worse.
You ignore phone calls from friends and loved ones. You don't enjoy the things you used to love. Maybe you tell yourself that its just because you've been so busy and tired. You don't return calls. You don't return texts.
If you remember, maybe you'll take a shower before you go to bed. Either way, as you do pass out, one of your last thoughts for the night is that if there is a just and merciful god, you won't wake up in the morning.
Then, the next day, you do it all over again. And because you've gotten so good at masking, noone will ever know.
And you dread when someone asks what you did over the weekend or anytime outside of work because you have no social life.
And God forbid anyone asks if you have any big plans for upcoming holidays.
Better get real good at lying about it, too, because if people find out the answer is always no, guess who's going to be asked to cover shifts over those times.
Yep. Just did this for the long 4th of July weekend.
perfectly explained
It feels like you're running on 10% charge... but everyone thinks you have 100%.
You go to work, you smile, you reply to messages with emoji's and exclamations. People call you “dependable,” “fun,” even “strong.” But as soon as you're alone, the mask falls off. You're exhausted - not just physically, but as if your soul is weary. Even simple things get put off, and then you quietly hate yourself for it. You keep asking yourself: “Why am I like this?”
You keep “functioning” because to stop is to invite questions you're not ready for. That's why you're playing a role. And because you're still acting, no one notices how much you're hurting. Sometimes even you yourself.
This, to me, is the most accurate description of all replies.
Especially the part where you put off replying to friends or family because you're either too exhausted to formulate a response, or you're too exhausted to start a conversation.
After a while you are left with no-one to talk to, because you left so many messages on read.
That question part is real. 🥺💕 Sometimes it's easier to work later or just go to bed ... Instead of opening that Pandora's box.
Damn.. I feel this so much. Just remember you people aren’t alone ❤️.
It's like being the actor, director, and spectator of a life you're not really living. You're laughing on time, saying the right words, meeting deadlines - but it's all like a script. You're functioning, yes. But joy? The connection with someone? That part of the script is gone.
You do everything because you have to do it.
Not because you want to.
You don’t want to do anything.
It’s hard to describe since I’ve had it since I was 8 years old. I can be happy it spurts, but I have no long term happiness. I can do the things I “need” to do but the things I want to do are super hard. Like I have to force myself to do things I enjoy becuase you get tired so fast. It’s actually the reason I use reddit so much, typing doesn’t take a lot of physical strength. Here’s a list of things that I struggle with
Constant dissatisfaction- I am never satisfied with anything I do. It sucks knowing where my talent lies but not being able to find joy in things like doing a good job, getting better, learning, or collaboration. Sometimes I think that my brain wires things I should be proud of as if they’re obligations, and I can’t feel happy when my subconscious views things as the bare minimum
Executive dysfunction- this is heavily affected by having ADHD, but imagine that feeling you get when you think about putting your hand on a hot stove, how your brain sort of forces you not to do that. Imagine that with literally every task. Like just brushing my teeth fills me with a sense of dread that I have to physically push through. It’s exhausting.
Procrastination- this is different than executive dysfunction, but I realize I put off a ton of things over the fear of being more depressed when I don’t do it right. As I’m typing this I’m putting off a video game I’ve been excited to play for… some reason
Nothing has emotional weight to it- all my emotions now have become cognitive experiences for the most part. It’s like a “I should feel happy right now so I’m going to act like I’m happy” the masking of numbness is exhausting
Time goes by too fast. When you’re a kid everyone goes at the same pace. You aren’t getting left behind when you can function. But now I’m an adult in charge of my own opportunities and I jsut… can’t do anything. I’m 20 and I feel 14. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t grown up at all. I mean I still like and do everything I did when I was 14. What sucks is feeling like my younger siblings are more mature than me interest wise when they’re 13 and 16. Like they’re into all this grown up stuff and I’m into like… pokemon and shit
Chronic pain- your emotions manifest physically, and your pain manifests emotionally, creating a cycle of just constantly hurting
For me, I was working as normal as possible but I was losing interest and motivation. Sometimes, I just stared at my screen for 30 minutes incapable of doing anything productive. Also avoiding colleagues more
You go on in your life wearing a mask and people around you think your doing good. On the paper, you might be doing good. Good job, a loving partner, hobbies and friends.
But when you are alone, there is this sadness and void you cant explain.
Exhausting
Hoping to heaven you get to shower alone so you can bawl your eyes out without having to answer questions. And when your eyes are swollen and weepy it is hay fever.
For me, it's like most days are normal, then I suddenly fall into a really dark place without warning. Once I stayed in bed for several days, contemplating the worst, unable to do so much as write a message to another person for help. I slowly pull myself out of that and continue, sometimes for days, weeks, months, but eventually, it boils over, and I have to struggle.
Autopilot.
It sucks. You have to push yourself hard just to get through the day. There's no enjoyment to be found in anything. It takes almost nothing to make you spiral down into wishing for death. You don't fear it anymore and the only person you're scared of is yourself.
On the good days, I feel mostly like having a brain fog with an underlining of sadness beneath. It's like floating through life, not really reacting to events until much much later (or not at all), and feeling exhausted all the time. But I smiled and laughed when I am around people, and through the years it has taken its own facade and personality. I am mostly known as the funny one, but again when I am home and all alone, the sadness surfaces, and everything is incredibly exhausting. Rinse & repeat for decades. Let's just say if someone shot me d**d in the next 3 mins, i would be more than fine with it.
On the bad days, I just lay flat on my bed not being able to do anything. Sometimes I would cry, but it is exhausting to cry. There are voices in my head that most times wouldn't stop yelling at me. Then when they're gone, it's back to the numbing silence and sadness. Sometimes I would binge eat disgusting food like bags of chips, etc, and then feel disgusted at myself. But again, I can't wallow for too long cause I need to pay my bills, so back to work the next day.
This resonates with me soooo strongly. We just got through the motions because people depend on us and react in socially acceptable ways. Even though we are dying inside. I hope you find healing and peace. Love to you…
It’s different for everyone, of course, but for me personally I just kind of fall into this routine of going through the motions until I can distract myself with games or YouTube or social media. I sleep, eat, go to work, and then do absolutely nothing productive. The thought of doing chores or even bathing feels overwhelming sometimes. I have to psych myself up for the smallest of tasks, then I’m super proud of myself afterwards (but then my hours of doing nothing productive are justified in my mind).
It’s not so much a feeling of sadness or hopelessness, just apathy and exhaustion.
Very well stated. I finally put together my granddaughters new booster seat in my car
It feels like a strange kind of hell.
You’re trapped between being what everyone knows you as, productive, easy going, good all around person. And who you really are, a scared, lonely and empty soul just barely existing.
I would describe myself as this when I was younger. Had good grades, did sports and clubs along with plenty of personal software projects between middle-high school. I ended up getting hospitalized a couple years into school and dropped out but still somehow got a corner office at my programming job. It ended up with me getting extremely burnt out in my early twenties due to balancing my mental health and crazy hours and deadlines. I basically just said fuck it and booked a one way flight to Thailand on a Saturday while in my office. Left everything where it was, wrote down all my passwords for the CTO and wrote my resignation email right after I bought the flight. I'm still in Asia since then years later, happy now.
You wake up at a decent hour. Do your chores and responsibilities mostly, but dont want to do much of anything else. Nothing really does anything for you and you look forward to ending the day but also dont want a new one to start
My therapist's analogy: "Riding a bike with the brakes on."
Everything sucks, there’s no point, you just want to lay down but you get up out a smile on your face and do it anyways
It's your brain knowing everything it needs to do and being able to do it, but having absolutely nothing that you want to do. Even things that you feel like should be fun or exciting are just chores; there is no joy in anything. Every act becomes an obligation.
Even things like hiking, travelling, video games, reading, watching movies, going on dates; they feel like you are doing them because you know it should be something enjoyable. But it just isn't anymore. You stop making plans outside of what's mandatory because those things drain every bit of energy you have. There is no you left over. You feel exhausted 30 minutes after waking up, and it doesn't go away until you're asleep again.
Life becomes stale, because it feels like you are forced to participate in your own life without ever feeling any of the joy or excitement from being there.
It fuckin sucks.
This is very parallel to how I felt when I had depression.
Having zero hobbies because nothing is enjoyable was soul sucking, and simultaneously having no hobbies made depression worse because I felt void of entertainment, fun, purpose, and leisure. It’s a vicious cycle. No drive to do anything is miserable.
I dont know if it’s common but when I forced myself to try new things, I would also give up quickly if I had any hardships or wasn’t good at it right away (example: crocheting). Depression made my confidence in getting better and willingness to try at things nonexistent.
I hope you are doing ok right now. Things will get better if not now. Reminding myself progress is not linear was and is so important. I am proud of you for still doing things even if they aren’t enjoyable now. It really sucks doing numbing “chores” every day but it is worlds better than sleeping or lying in bed all day(what I did :(). So it is good in a way, even if it doesn’t feel like it, that you do them. I’m sorry if anything I said came off insensitive or condescending, I suddenly wanted to offer words for someone similar to me lol :)
Not at all, I appreciate it. Therapy is helping, shit is just very persistent, but hopefully I'm getting there. We're all works in progress.
Like being normal except you're wearing a very heavy weighted vest and your feet are in cement blocks. After a while it just becomes tiring and exhausting and puts it emotional strain on you. Sure you can make it through the day but this is what it feels like just being weighed down and not be able to control it in any way fashion or form.
I think that is the one where one day you find yourself thinking
'apparently I have been depressed, but nobody told me'
You fantasize about not existing
I have major depression with atypical features. After getting on medication, I'm quite functional in my work life but that's the extent of my energy and motivation.
Home chores are rough. Haven't folded my clothes in years. Cooking is a pain and general exercise is really low.
The main bummer is the anhedonia (not taking pleasure in things).
I don't enjoy gaming like I used to, even if I have the "energy" to do so. I can't find pleasure in any hobbies. Sex, being a high dopamine response action is rewarding and nice.
Other than that, I don't enjoy anything like I used to (cubing, gaming, exercising, cooking, etc.).
I feel like I just get things done to pay the bills but get no satisfaction out of anything else. I try to pick up a game or exercise but I'm done after like 10 minutes due to extreme boredom.
Note that I'm also a recovering addict going through PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) which may be playing a role in the anhedonia.
Time will tell if this is the case. Should take roughly two years to get my brain back in shape.
Best of luck to those struggling with depression who haven't found any relief. It's a hard life.
It’s like. I wake up in the morning dissapointed i’m alive. Try to enjoy things i used to love or new things, but that doesn’t give me any joy.
I put on a fake smile mask for my kids and wife (wife know i’m depressed so i’m real with her when we are alone)
Sometimes i cry when it’s overwhelming and i tell my kids it’s because sometimes grown ups get’s sad.
Nothing gives me any joy except for the 3-4 times i go out in nature with some friends and enjoy a joint or shrooms infront of the bonfire with some good music. (That gives me a weeks long boost where i’m generally happy)
Before any questions; 1. i don’t smoke on a regular basis because; a: it’s illegal and the government would take our kids, loose my licence and generally be at odds by society. b: i have the «alcoholic gene» in both my families so i don’t risk becoming addicted to that feeling.
Yes i have tried antidepressants and all those keeps me flat. I’d rather enjoy the times i’m happy and endure the times i’m really depressed because «this too, will pass»
I have a good job with a good income, a wife I love, a house near the sea and two great kids. I am a nationally respected and renowned expert in my line of work, and I have a circle of good friends who care about me. I also keep myself fit, being able to do good numbers of pull ups, dips etc. at age 52.
On some days, the feeling of self hatred is just some voices in my head telling me what a failure I am and that some day I will be found out as the fraud I am. Those are the better days. On the worse days (or rather weeks), it becomes a physical pain that is almost insufferable, it's a feeling of disgust of the sheer being my, as if my body was allergic to my soul.
You'd kill to actually feel something. Just numb with the grim certainty that things won't get better. Even sadness or anger would be better than nothing.
You do stuff you love that makes you happy and you feel absolutely nothing. It feels like you’re buried underground while the rest of the world goes on, and you can’t even bring yourself to care about that either
you just know there's no point in life and you wake up every day wishing you'd die, but keep living and thriving nonetheless, there's a point when you've been depressed for a really long time in which you just start ignoring those thoughts and keep on living even tho you see no point in it at all
It feels like getting up in the morning, getting to school/work on time, doing whatever needs to be done, coming home and doing chores, maybe pittering away your time on social media watching the clock change until it's time for bed then falling asleep.
You go through your day just like every other person, without feeling at all fulfilled by it. It's hard to find joy, even in joyful things. Someone might even have the observational skill to notice your "dead eyes". You're like a puppeteer controlling a meat sack because you were told that's what you have to do. You dont feel attached to your body or your identity. You look in the mirror but cant seem to fully conceptualize that the person staring back is you. This isnt what it felt like to live when you were five, was it? You cant fully remember. You're just burnt out, exaughsted, and numb/sad all the time with MAYBE small pockets of a smile that goes away the second you think about it or get a bad thought. The life you're living doesn't feel like your own.
And if you open up to someone who isn't in a position to understand, you're probably going to hear back "there's no way! You do xyz! People with depression dont do xyz, you're just a little sad" or "ah, thats a hormonal/diet/excersize issue. Just do this thing Im going to suggest and it'll go away" (spoiler: it wont).
Your last paragraph is exactly why I don't really share my burdens with people anymore. Everyone wants to be a good person and help you. Maybe you open up some time. They hit you with the same Hallmark card lines you've heard 1000 times, the same empty platitudes, they have no idea what you're going through but society tells them they need to be supportive of people they care about, so they try... but it's useless.
In the end the support fades. They don't want me sucking the goodness out of their life by weighing them down with depressing shit. They did their piece and now they can say they tried to help. Then they either fade entirely or keep trying to help and end up overburdening themselves emotionally.
So I don't tell anyone anything anymore. I care about them and don't want to see them suffer as they struggle to help in a futile situation. People I love, for the sake of honesty I let them know what's going on, but they still don't see the worst of it, because I've found it to be a private affair that only hurts others if I let them in.
Like being a cog. Constantly working and spinning and keeping the machine alive. But you're rusty and falling apart and the rest of the machine just keeps doing what it does. There's no acknowledgment or help. Just... existence. Continuation.
Like auto pilot mode, you learn to think less and go with the flow, low interactions with others, a lot of memory loss, it’s hard to retain info said to you because you’re not all there, it’s hard to sleep at night and for some reason you feel way older than what you should which is probably from years of sleep deprivation and a poor diet.
It's like having the best people around you and still feeling completely alone.
This
I get up early, go to work, do my job, go home, and get in bed. I might just lie on top of the sheets and scroll, watch videos, or take a nap. I have no desire to really do anything and making plans feels like an inconvenience.
I will piddle around the house and stare at my bikes and wish I had the motivation to ride them. I'll stare at my camera and wish I care enough to take pictures. I'll take out the trash and feel like I've done enough for the day. I'll take naps just so I don't have to experience a few more hours in my day.
I get really emotional at random things. The underlying cause is just a looming, vague dread with hints of paranoia and low self-worth. Sometimes I just stare at the wall.
Repeat that day after day for months or years and occasionally snap out of it to do the things I like, only to abandon them and go back to being reclusive.
Lowest possible effort day to day, mustering just enough energy to do my job well and get paid. Realize every few months that life is quickly passing me by and lament a future of mediocrity and numbness.
It's super duper cool.
For me, I am basically always passively suicidal. You know, the "Im not gonna swerve into traffic, but if a semi truck were to swerve towards ME I wouldnt move" kinda mentality. I wake up. I walk my dogs. I go to work. I play on my phone. I go to bed. Every days the same so my memories are foggy, as is my sense of time. If you ask me "well how long ago did this happen?" I genuinely couldnt tell you. It feels holllow.
It makes life feel like one long job that you're good at but have zero passion for. And you're not allowed to quit, and there's never retirement. It's a job you'll have until the day you die. So you just spend every shift (day) waiting for the shift to end. And you go to sleep every night dreading your next shift.
I call it "Robot Mode." Get up, do the bare minimum, sleep, repeat. Some days are better than others and I might clean something.
You go through the day without experiencing any moments of joy and the highlight of the day is going to sleep at night.
It feels like you are dying because you are holding so much anger grief and pain inside but know that nobody cares to listen
Think back to when you were young and you were discovering music for the first time. Imagine your friend brings you a CD, claiming it’s the best band ever. Their absolute favourite band. You listen to the CD, you give it a really fair shot, but it just isn’t for you. You find it a bit boring. A bit samey. You don’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings so you tell them, “yeah it’s alright.” They seem a tiny bit crestfallen but you both move on.
For the next few months you notice this band is everywhere. They’re extremely popular. You hear the singles from that CD a lot. Any time you’re in a café, or a colleague puts on some music to work to, or you’re at a party or a social event… it’s that band… over and over again.
You think, “well maybe there’s something to this that I’m missing.” You do a deep dive into their discography, it’s surprisingly extensive. Decades of material. You’re a diligent person, you work your way through most of it over the next few months. There are moments of inspired music, maybe a bridge with a cool groove, or an intro to a song that sounds like it’s about to be really good but the track suddenly falls flat. But ultimately, you just can’t see what all the fuss is about. This band just isn’t for you.
It’s been years now. The band has been grating on you for almost that long. You’ve given them as many honest chances as you could stomach, but the disconnect between what everyone else is experiencing and what you’re experiencing is starting to make you feel a little bit crazy. You’ve discovered that you can tolerate listening to the band whilst a little bit drunk or high, but beyond that, you feel slightly triggered every time one of their songs start– and you know them all by heart. One day you’re riding in the car with your friends, and the driver puts in that CD that they first brought to your house all those years ago. Your mind quietly snaps.
“Can’t we listen to something else for a change?” You ask.
“Yeah sure, I’ve got all of their CDs in the boot–“
“No, I mean can’t we listen to a different band?”
They look at you like you’re crazy. They start laughing at you. You shrink into the car seat. You feel yourself blushing. Suddenly you realise you’ve never heard another band. Never mind that, you’ve never even heard of another band. You remember when you looked at their discography in the record store, they were the only band there. The same faces on every album cover. Different haircuts, different makeup, different spandex, but always the same band. There are no other bands. This band is all there is. All there ever will be. And it just isn’t for you.
The band's name is Life.
What I'm trying to describe with this metaphor is how in much the same way as you might just not be into sport or cooking or movies or whatever example applies to you– take the complete disinterest that you feel towards something that other people seem to enjoy, no matter how many times you've tried to feel the same way they do–and try to imagine feeling that way about living itself. It's brutal. It's like a complete all-encompasing exhaustion and confusion and boredom. A desperate quiet internal search for anything that you can connect with until, presumeably, some people just give up searching.
Waking up with and are already exhausted. Going to work and although you enjoy your co-workers, likely your boss makes it insufferable. You relish the commute home because it's one of the few chunks of time you have to yourself to destress.
You love your home life but sometimes just need to be alone. It feels like you want to do everything yet nothing at the same time...you want to go out but you're hoping the plans get cancelled
You perform all of your responsibilities while enjoying very little to nothing of your life
Work hard play hard. High income and lots of blow. Burnout a decade later. 😅
Zero motivation to do anything, but a set of habits that work well enough to keep you employed and relatively healthy.
You go and your work everyday, you come home and do your chores, you come out and play with friends, come home to have some rest yet you are always tired. And empty. But you get up in the morning and do it all over again with (mostly) a smile on your face.
Like your just going through the motions, there are very very few things that actually make you happy.
Exhaustion.
What is the solution? I have this, but I just scramble to get through life without seeking help.
Is pills the solution?
Pills never helped me but they help many people. Exercise used to help me alot. Walks, bicycle rides and just moving
Perpetual sleep deprivation
Having high functioning depression to me, feels like pretending to be a team player, dreading every second of it and counting down the time until you reach comfort zone, alone with no one else around.
The best way I can put it is you always have a grey-tinted filter on everything.
Things are getting done and done well, able to conversate normally and functional but everything was colourless. No life, no sound, nothing but grey and clouded. I’ve found myself being extra cautious about my own feelings because it can catch you pretty fast, once it catches you the brink of crumbling isn’t too far.
I do everything I'm supposed to but not because I want, but because not doing them would lead to issues. Like, not showering would show other people my issue. But I have no drive to shower or take care of myself. In front of other people, I always put on a smile and make sure they feel good even though I never experience being happy or content. I mostly feel nothing and withdraw from others who are too busy or uninterested to care. I stay in bed in the morning until I only have 5 minutes left to get ready, but I get ready enough for my struggle to not be noticable. It's basically performing well enough for your depression to not be noticable.
(For me) go to bed late because you don’t want to have to deal with tomorrow. Alarm goes off, hit snooze. Shit, not I’m late. Guess I’m not taking that shower. Go to work, late and already feeling behind the 8-ball. Browse emails, put off replies because nah. Drink way too much coffee for breakfast. Trudge through work, maybe eat lunch. Procrastinate until it’s way too late in the day to actually be productive. Stay late to try and offset that. Go home, lawn is long and laundry is piling up. Fuck that, I’ll do it tomorrow. Find rabbit hole of bike shedding task and get immersed. Realize it’s midnight and I should go to bed. Repeat.
Well it turns out if you’re stressed for long enough you start lactating, so I’d say it feels like sore breasts and dissatisfaction in yourself
Have you ever had a new video game and all day long you can't wait to get home and play it? That is kind of what it feels like, but instead of a video game its just crying. In my darkest (but still functional) moments, I felt like I was being held together by duct tape and chewing gum. I'd hold it all together with everything I had and the second I got home I'd just lay on the floor and cry. But it got to a point where I was looking forward to that release. I felt like crying all day most of the time but I pushed it all in until I was at home and alone.
I'm doing better now! I actually get excited foe video games again.
It's hard to explain, but imagine it like this. For everyone else, you are basically normal. You have friends you frequently meet, you go to school and have good grades, you take care of yourself, but instead of doing it for yourself, you do it for others. You do it so people won't see something is wrong. Your mood jumps from one emotions to the next and you feel empty inside. You don't find enjoyment in new things and keep a routine so you don't have to face the fact that you don't have anything else to go on. Your life has no meaning and you don't know how it's going to continue
For me it’s just waiting to die. I don’t have nothing really in my life that makes me happy, no kids, my wife who was my everything just broke up with me one day, no explanation other than I don’t love you anymore that way anymore.
I have hobbies and friends, but I have to force myself to do things or I’ll just sit here. I have a decent job but I’m the miserable one in the team, everyone knows this so I don’t get bothered and I purposefully avoid social interactions with them outside of work. I function, I get done what I need to get done, but I don’t have much motivation, that has been sapped from me over the years.
The final thing that kind of locked me here was finding my brother dead who had been there for 2 days and having to break the news to my mum and sister who were outside his door, since then I’ve become very withdrawn and only socialise when I have to
I’ve tried therapy, antidepressants, meditation, everything. Nothing works, so I’ve accepted my fate and that I will feel this way until the day comes that I don’t wake up
Be half awake all day
You're asking a fish what water feels like.
I’m not all that high functioning but I work 40 hours a week and get errands and chores and shit done. I don’t sleep my days away, at least. It often feels like I’m sleepwalking through life. I’m here, but not present. Just trying to get through the day a lot of the time. I wake up already exhausted. I want connection with people but often can’t muster up the energy to reach out to folks. I worry I’m not great company anyway, and just bring people down.
For me, it’s a feeling of being lost in an ocean without a boat or life raft, but as long as you keep swimming (working, moving, forcing yourself to “do the things”), you can keep your head above water.
Even then, sometimes you get exhausted and start to sink. Or, a wave crashes on top of you and pulls you under. That’s when you really have to fight to get your head back above the water.
At least, that’s how it feels for me.
For me? Dependence on alcohol I'm afraid.
It feels like you’re constantly exhausted, mentally and emotionally, but still getting everything done: work, chores, social stuff. On the outside you look fine, maybe even successful, but inside it’s like dragging yourself through mud every day.
Like you’re winning the game on the outside, but losing quietly every day inside. Smiling through storms no one else can see.
For me it’s getting through the day without curling up into a ball and rocking back and forth in a corner. Unfortunately today is not one of these days.
It feels like your constantly fighting
I am luckily out of it but for me it felt as though I was running on autopilot and looking at myself from the third person moving through monotony and not making any effort to improve my situation due to exhaustion.
Happy in the moment sad when given time to be
I usually just still work, take care of my kid and enjoy something’s with her. My depression hits mostly when I’m alone. Nobody ever knew I was bipolar and had severe depression
like beeing a machine...realy good at the stuff I did in those times...reqly productive...but empty on the inside. no joy even after the best shifts, not even happy about good grades...only...functioning and feeling empty and lonely...
when fighting back to joy again...some parts of my life still are sad and breaking me down...but I have the good things back...and the bad. I can cry about the lack of love in my life and be happy from the inside out when a patient walks out fine...I am still good at what I do...but I can realy life with it and not just...function.
Work gets accomplished well enough because there is no choice in it. You must do it.
Outside of that, you lack mental energy or interest in almost everything, even things that might make you happy, because nothing really does.
Based on the definition, I think it means you feel generally sad but still go to work lol. This sounds like most people.
probably me
It can feel like constantly wearing a mask of normalcy while battling inner turmoil.
Like nothing.
I can work and most everything but when marriage was disintegrating I just couldn’t eat much. Half a slice of pizza would be filling. Just no appetite at all.
A purple cat who tells you to get high. His name is Cat Stevens.
Just keep shoving it deeper inside.
Probably like an existentialist philosopher.
Getting up and going to work. Usually in some sort of mood no matter what's going on. Comes home and does as little as possible. Rinse repeat.
Things get done like others have said, but even when things are done well or there are things to be celebrated (maybe a promotion at work or passing your classes in school), you just... can't. Your continuously making so the minute you unmask it gets worse.
You go to work (if you work) because you need money. You stop seeing friends or only occasionally see them and don’t feel any type of excitement or anticipation to hang out with them. You have sex, but might do it more as an obligation than anything. (If you are married or dating). You smile, laugh and make small talk with coworkers but when you get home the mask is gone and you are stoic and numb. You always feel like you have no energy but sometimes force yourself to do the essentials like cook and clean. You spend anytime you aren’t working in bed or on the couch watching tv or doing other non physical activities. Nobody knows you are depressed except maybe your significant other because you hide behind a smile.
Like being on auto-pilot. I get the stuff done, that I have to do, but i mask the whole time. There's little to no enjoyment but when I do find some pleasure, I try to prolong it, which winds up making it exaggerated. I talk too much and am over-enthusiastic. Once the pleasure is gone, I feel deflated. The whole chasing dopamine thing, I guess.
Imagine having to carry somebody around on your shoulders all day and said person won’t stop lamenting about things. Sure you can carry them around and tune them out just fine but you feel the weight of their body and you eventually you just get exhausted and you start hearing all the depressing things they’re saying and you kinda just. Crash.
I think it's the ability to supress your depression and anxiety to achieve the standard of perfection you feel you'll never achieve. Either for yourself or your family. But every once in a while, it starts breaking out and bits come up and it feels like you wanna just end it once and for all. But you don't, and it slowly gets put back into a box and your back on a weird happy friendly autopilot, all while knowing it's all fake but also knowing that nobody would care if you were to talk about it. Wondering how long you can stay like this before one day or won't work. But until then, stay perfect and do what needs to be done. Cause nobody is coming to save you.
Depression
it feels like i’m trapped in a well with cinderblocks on my ankles trying to drown me but i keep treading water every fucking day because the only other choice is death. so if i’m gonna tread this water, i’m gonna do it hard and well and try and find as much peace as i can in this life. but every single fucking day is a battle.
The sadness is unpredictable. One day you might have the energy to mow the lawn, the next day you are too sad to get out of bed.
“High functioning” is not an actual clinical term and is becoming a bit frowned upon in the mental health world. It’s kind of a dismissive term and not very person-forward.
You wake up, do your job or whatever else you need to, and then go to sleep, all the while feeling like there is a lead weight bound to your eyes and forehead. You don’t want to do anything but you do it anyways because that’s just what you’re supposed to do. Caring about stuff for real just takes too much effort, more than your mind is allowing you to exert. No matter how much you accomplish, no matter how many compliments and how much praise you get, it all just invokes the same reaction of “Woo. Great.”
Exhausting. You go through all the day to day motions necessary to get by and you’re silently miserable the entire time. It takes an immense amount of effort to mask. Once you have down time there’s no energy left to do anything besides the basics of surviving.
Have you ever done Ecstasy or Molly? If so, you know that feeling you have when you come down? The deep sadness/empty/despair feeling that lasts from 1-3 days? That’s what it’s like but always.
It feels like shit.
I explained it to someone once this way. You know those days you wake up and just don't have it thay day? You ain't all in. You're tired, brain is slow, everything seems harder, you just are off your game? That might happen what a couple times a year maybe?
Well, for me that is every damn day. But I still accomplished everything I have in my life.
High level depression usually means people close to you feel you are not living up to your potential where people you work with or see you only in certain contexts think you're doing awesome.
It feels like nothing. You just autopilot your way from one end of the day to the other with no excitement or enjoyment. Then you go to bed low-key hoping you don't wake up the next morning.
I think the hardest part is knowing something is good or happy and knowing you should feel good or happy and its just not there. Its an amazing meal that tastes like cardboard.
It feels like you're swimming and just barely drowning, constantly almost about to come up for air, but right before you can break the surface and get that breath, something pulls you down just enough to keep you where you started.
Reposting from: https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/eqy6qi/my_description_of_what_depression_is_like/
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Here's the analogy I use when describing it to a non-depressed person...
Imagine that you have to move yourself from point A to point B, 50 feet away. For a normal person, they just stand up and walk across the ground for the fifty feet and they're done. Very simple.
When you're depressed, the task is the same, but it's not solid ground. It's loose, wet mud that you sink into up to your knees, and it's completely surrounding you. To move, you have to lift your leg up so high as to get it completely out of the mud, then plant it back into the mud somewhere in the direction that you want to go. Then repeat until you get there.
Sometimes you fall down, and get covered by the mud...which sucks because you don't want to look like you've been traipsing through the mud, but your legs are already covered in it anyway.
It's not that your destination is that far away. It's that the effort involved to do even the simple act of trying to get there is exceptionally draining. You can still get there, but it's slow and exhausting.
To top it off...when you actually arrive at your destination, you're still covered in mud.
What antidepressants do (in this context) is lay down planks over the mud for you to walk on. You get where you're going with a lot less effort and a lot more speed. You can focus on doing the thing you meant to do once you get there, instead of on the act of getting there. It won't guarantee that you'll be completely mud free, and you can still fall off the planks right back into the mud...but it's better than no planks at all.
Source: personal experience as a depressed person.
Constant foreboding and disappointment but you have to go to work to feed yourself.
You wake up, do the things you're supposed to do but every second you hate it. Every second you're awake you wish you were asleep and able to escape.
"I need to go to the grocery store and have that appointment later. I also need to get laundry done. My life is utterly pointless. I could just kill myself. But then my parrot and husband would be alone and they hate one another so I guess I'll just go start laundry,."
Like a duck on a pond… on the surface you look calm but underneath your paddling like fuck just to do the next task…
Silent depression. You can still work, sleep, eat. But mentally you’re dying
Always tired, like body and mind are tired, nothing is exciting, all thoughts are negative
constant dread and nervousness peppered with general enthusiasm and good cheer. sometimes hungry. sometimes crying in a parking garage. usually not.
Like nothing, just blankness. I am just along for the ride in my own body, going through the motions. Wake up, work, food, sleep, repeat.
Wake up wanting to go right back to bed, however you can't do the whole day feels heavy to you.
Capitalism
People doing well at job they dislike
It feels like limbo. I’m sick enough to be unhappy but not sick enough to qualify as recognizably sick. All the expectations and none of the empathy. It would piss me off if I wasn’t so tired all the time. Still have enough energy to drag myself thru the motions of the day and spend my free time worrying about a future I don’t really believe I’ll ever see.
Hell
an empty pit of nothing. and after a few decades you just sit on the fun train and anticipate the cliff, with relish. even suicide is too much effort.
imagen all you felt is emptiness, sadness and anger.
thats it, you´re just flowing trough life, everything is tasteless, nothing makes you happy, you enjoy nothing in the long run, everything that you "enjoy" is momentary and short term, like chocolate or jacking off, it just takes your mind off it for a second or two. everything else is just wasting time for everything to be over.
High Anxiety
Swimming in custard.
You are numb. The only thing you can feel is fatigue. No joy. No love. The world is grey.
I can do everything seemingly normally, but when I’m alone, I want to crawl in a hole. Also, when I think back on what I did, all the memories from that time are in black and white instead of color.
It just makes everything harder. It’s like you’re getting shit done but you’re trudging through mud the entire time. It’s tiring.
A grinding existence peppered with thorns of anxiety
Joyless.
And you can't imagine anything will ever get better, and you know if you slow down and let yourself think for even a second you're going to crash and burn.
running through your whole day with a short rope tied around your waist. Your day only exists to go back to bed
Numb. Every day is the same. No joy, no sadness, just numbness
You pour into other people, are seen as upbeat or capable—whether it be at work, at social events, or even in romantic relationships. But when you’re alone you can barely find the strength to do anything but sleep, or doom-spiral about how you ~should clean or ~should bathe but just CANT. And you never ask for help even though you really need to talk to someone because you’re so hyper-independent and used to carrying depression with you. It’s not a phase or an episode, it’s a constant presence that nags on you. I’ve had happy moments, and times where I’m full of gratitude, but I’m never ever truly happy or at peace because I am ALWAYS sick.
For me, my day is on autopilot. There's no emotional anchor, and idgaf about anything besides what my autopilot does.
I would wake up and just feel empty. Cry at work hidden in the laundry room on breaks and not care that people can probably tell that I cried. Do my tasks without interacting with people. Go home and just lie awake spiraling and then get up at 2am to walk around outside while crying and avoid any other people. Go back home and to sleep once I was completely exhausted and empty feeling. Then drag myself out of bed at 6am to go to work again. My hair starting falling out, I didn't eat much and lost weight, permanent dark circles too. I was diagnosed with chronic depression a few years earlier and thought I had it under control but during my internship abroad it was like that the entire time. When I came back home I had actual bald patches and it took a few months to shake the suicidal thoughts.
Obligation and guilt are your motivators.
You get up go to work put on a face that doesn't show you're bothered, make it seem like everything is fine go home bed rot and doom scroll thinking about how much you hate yourself and life and being alone, cry sometimes, just lay there in silence most times, go to bed, get up and repeat, mainly don't show it to others and keep it to yourself
You go through the day "as normal" , but maybe every 5-10 minutes you think about and glorify suicide (idealation?). Sometimes you fight them off other youlet yourself be distracted.
You get home do what needs to be done, try to do a hobby or sympathy don't really enjoy anything and go to bed hoping you won't wake up.
Doing everything because you're supposed to, and not knowing what it feels like to want to.
Anything good you have going on feels like an accident of circumstance, and you've never planned anything.
You're passionate about doing nothing, which isn't an option.
You spend years thinking that people who are driven are also just faking it.
A therapist told me in the past what can be common among men (and this is how my depression is) is that we just don’t feel feelings. I think of the song Narcolepsy by Ben Folds. I just walk through life doing everything I need to do but don’t much feel anything for anyone. I’ve ended many relationships in the past because of this. Thankfully I got it figured out enough to be lucky enough to have gotten back together with one of the girlfriends and now wife to my 2 beautiful boys.
An unrelenting sense of alarm and a constant heaviness that even sleep can't ease
I was on Automaton. I did things because I HAD to, because bills. I lived my whole life with a blank expression, the whole time another quite awful scenario playing in my head in repeat. Constant negative thoughts, zero socializing, uncomfortable, gained a ridiculous amount of weight (which I'm still struggling with to lose). Yet bills got paid, things got done, people had no idea. Then I imploded.
It’s dark and I’m totally empty inside, I’ve lived a life full of deep loss,trauma, abandonment on n on 💔😢
Walking into work , when I walk out ,I'm cured !
You dont quit no matter how hard it gets, no matter what happens around you, you keep doing the things that you have to do. Your inner voice is crying and screaming for some rest, shut everything down and stay in bed. But then you end up working 12 hours. You travel, you have a social life(maybe) and even your parents cannot recognise your depression. Outside, you look like you have accomplished a lot.
You’re an actor. The people in your life your audience. Every day is a perfected performance, you smile just right making sure your eyes crinkle so they don’t see the fakeness to it. Your casual conversations are light and funny. It keeps them off your scent. To your friends, you make yourself curable just enough so they don’t worry. So they don’t ask. So they don’t come to the mess that is your house. Life. You make sure that at work you’re the best. You need money to survive, to keep up appearances that nothing is wrong. Because nothing can be wrong. If something is wrong then i am not perfect. I am not all seeing. My contempt for humanity will then be misplaced. Because there is a contempt for humanity inside me, how easily they are fooled for believing me. How easy it is to lie if you say the right things, show empathy at the right times and smile the right way. Fools.
It becomes meaningless this act. This performance. You do it because humans are suppose to want to live. Because you have been told that humans feel sad if you were to yeet yourself. Yet, are they not the selfish ones for wanting you to stay in hell?
You get home after work. Set your mask with your keys. You are submerged by depression. Drowning over and over… and no one knows or hears. Water silences all sounds. Then you’re in bed, crying and wondering why does no one want to dig deeper? Why does no one see past my performance and look at the real me? Why does no one see me ?
Am I the greatest actress of my generation? Or do people care so little of me that I should die? Maybe staying alive was never worth it and I lied to myself.
Tendrian que legalizar la eutanasia
Taking a shower, exercising, eating when I have to, but just a general fog.
You are capable of getting everything done but even during things you enjoy doing you are filled with disappointment that the moments over passed and never to be lived again. No matter how good a moment is I’m devastated by the fact that it’s over when it’s done. And you feel as you’re living the moment the entire time that it’s not going to be long enough to enjoy. In the end. My problem is life is going to feel like the end of a festival and yeah they stopped playing music but I don’t want to leave. I want to remain in a moment forever but can’t. It started to make it feel like there’s no point to experience anything because it’ll have an end and no amount of enjoyment is going to outweigh the disappointment of something being over and done with.
A lot of ignored feelings.
For me, I can get through daily life, but often I just lack the energy and mindset to do hobbies or experiences. Sometimes all you have the energy for is to lounge on the couch, or need to even take a nap to make it through.
You wake up grudgingly.
You go to work hating every second of your existence there feeling nothing but fatigue no matter how good a day you had .
Then go home and sleep becaue the effort to do anything is too great
“ no matter how good a day you had “ this part is big for me. my lack of self-accomplishment eats at me regardless if i surpassed ‘my’ quota by 1,000%
1000% & 10% work comes with the same exhaustion, and its hardly the people or the day..
I saw a quote recently that said something like “I never get a sense of accomplishment after achieving something, just a mild sense of relief that it’s done.” And then an added bonus with depression is the dread of having to do it all over again.
This describes my relationship with cutting grass. Relief when I get it done but the constant dread of knowing it will just grow back.
Relief and then "So now we wait for another stress inducing thing, there will always be something else" lol.
"Then go home and sleep becaue the effort to do anything is too great "
Then you struggle to sleep because you are rumminating on all the things that didn't go right during the day.
You’re functioning… but it’s all duct tape and autopilot.
My therapist told me "auto-pilot" was a great descriptor.
People think depression is sadness and crying.
For me it's nothingness. No hope, no joy, no dreaming of better days... its just... NOTHING
The response to waking up is “shit, not again.”
And when you have small children you do the stuff because you have to, so you stand there crying silently while washing the dishes or folding the laundry. And when they go to bed you sit and stare at the wall. Then the next day you turn up at nursery smiling and making small talk on autopilot while you feel dead inside. You do the bare minimum for yourself, no energy to eat a proper meal or brush your teeth or hair, you put all the little energy you have into taking care of them.
Reading this and comparing myself. Surely, this ain’t like me. Holy fuck! I’ve been doing the same thing every workday Wait a minute. I like going to work when there’s work to be done.
I feel like "hating every second" is almost too energetic for being depressed. You just...do it. You don't feel anything, particularly, except sadness.
You explained it perfectly
I was going to give a reply, but this just explained it perfectly.
Yup.