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Who wants to take a crack at how to baby proof these stairs😂
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Sweet Jesus those things aren't adult-proof with a BAC above 0.02...
Those stairs look like they were built for the beneficiary of a high-payout accidental death policy.
Or someone that has intentions of suing ems constantly.
Put a baby gate at the top and it's practically suicide stairs.
"I'll just step over it this time and..."
OMG! I came here to say the same thing. Looks horrifying.
Right I'm cooked never mind the baby
You swish mouth wash longer than 30 seconds and can no longer use these stairs
I don't even drink, and those stairs are unsafe for me! 😄
I fell just looking at them.
Evolution. Keep having babies and breeding the survivors until they stay away from stairs automatically
It's the same way with leaving babies in hot cars! Eventually, humans will evolve to survive extreme temperatures, and then what does global warming matter?
This is the way
Who is breeding the survivors though? I certainly hope not the original parents
Yeah. You gotta leave the bodies in place though. How else would they know it’s perilous?
Glue traps should do it 🫡
I mean... I guess if it works...
Dangit, this was way smarter than quintuple amputation. Oh well, live and learn.
lmao i hate this, thank you
Lollll WTF, I love Reddit.
Edit: the one with the 3 Indian Blokes carrying that massive pane of glass up the hollow stairs covered in loose shoddy plywood…😂☠️
Curse you for making me scroll ten miles to find it 😂
There's a serial killer out there who went to school, became an architect and now designs stair specifically to murder people. Nobody will ever make the connection.
came here to say this.
From a building code perspective it isn’t happening unless you manage to close the gap on the stairs because the baby can go thru them. You could essentially cage in the landings to lock the baby away from any stair access but it probably won’t look great
Why cage the landing when you can cage the baby?
However they wanna do it but something needs caged lol
because babies can escape from cages. Most stairs cannot
For those stairs I'd start with a condom.
Move
Slide?
I vote fireman's pole.
Babies don't have the upper body strength to slide down a pole silly
But they're made of soft rubber so they will bounce; it will really be okay
I mean if you want it actually baby proof and not super janky, may just have to build a custom gate deal. Attach to wall, bring a strip along the floor, 90 degrees turn to other wall. Then frame out two gates basically. Or build 2 or 3 sections that attach to each other. You’re not gonna find anything that really makes this work though 😂
Yeah maybe hire a contractor willing to do a small job.
Not a pro but hear me out: get a fence post bracket that you can mount into the floor at that right angle, then build out two custom gates mounted to each wall.
I mean you can just buy kits that are made for this.. for example: https://www.argos.co.uk/product/9650640
I’m not able to see what on the other walls. Are you able to buy a long get straight across like this?
That's what I thought immediately, block the entire area off if possible.
I wouldn’t do this if op plans on living with this solution/in this house for more than a couple or few years. This is great for keeping the baby out of the kitchen or certain areas.
But as a solution to deny access to death stairs, may not be viable.
My child at 3yrs could lay on his back and kick out the bottom as hard as he could, bust it out in 3 kicks, breaking through the reinforced mounting cups that were anchored into the doorway.
It was fine for us, we caught on quickly, and corrected the behavior. But we had to learn, and learning your kid could bust through to the kitchen vs busting through to death stairs are two entirely different risks.
OP this will work if you come up with a new solution in 3yrs, or move out by then.
OP needs to bolt a real, unclimbable fence securely into the studs in the wall. Maybe the floor too but with enough support they might be able to get around that.
Are you serious? Hire someone to sit there
This is the answer.
Don't listen to these people saying don't have a baby or move or any of that crap. The easy fix is to put a harness on your kid and tether them with a cord that's too short to reach the opening. Works great in the yard with one of those screw in spike things. No need to watch them or worry about them getting into the road.
You had me in the first half
That’s a horrible idea! The obvious answer is to tether the baby to a dog of equal pull strength and put some kibble across from the stairs. This will create a pull equilibrium between the baby and the dog.
Notes: regularly increase the size of the dog to align with a developing baby…obviously
I’d be intimidated to use those stairs myself. I don’t know if you can build locking doors to cover each landing or something of that nature, because a child gate (if you can find one big enough to cover this) isn’t going to hold for long.
Put the house up for sale.
It's giving, "Rest in Peace." I've already tore my ACL just looking at this photo.
I'm thinking more "Long live the king!" after realizing if you slid just right, you'd be dangling over the stairs below.
I'm 100% certain these are baby proof.
No baby can defeat these stairs. They should come with a Boss HP bar and a auto-save point.
They look sturdy enough to stand up to a full grown adult falling down them. Why are you worried about the weight of a mere baby? 🤔
/s
Babyproof? Those need adult proofing!
Leave th stairs and put the kid in a bubble ball
Oh god, why
Wait 10 years. Problem solved.
What about that twine people weave around trees
Hear me out… lasers
wouldnt even let my cats play on them steps
Remove the baby.
Condom.
Don’t have baby🤷🏻♂️
Electric fencing which fits the vibe since nothing else is safe.
Install a slide. Make your life a lot easier.
As an emt, these stairs give me serious agida and anxiety. If you must, baby gate all around them with a good sturdy baby gait. Imagine carrying someone incapacitated down those stairs. Christ. There's no equipment we have that would make it easy or safe for the patient or most importantly....us! I think there should be a clause somewhere that if you choose to modify or build your house with shit like this, the fire dept/ems is in no way responsible if youre injured upon extrication and that personel should be able to refuse the call of its a risk of injury to themselves and they cannot reasonably make it safe.
Put a trapeze net down covering the opening. If the baby falls, it lands in the safety net.‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
WINNER! WINNER! CHICKEN DINNER! 👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼👼🏼
‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
Struggling to see how to make them adult proof
Plywood, duct tape, drywall screws /s
Needs a freaking railing
place a couple heavy objects there that a baby can't move 😄
I had impossible to babyproof stairs, so we did zones - a baby gate on her bedroom door upstairs, and a big 12' gate across the living room and a gate on the other door to the dining room in there, so there were safe zones. It also kept her out of the kitchen, bathroom, other dangerous areas but gave us peace for taking a shower or whatever.
I’d put basically fencing across the whole thing wall to wall with a gate somewhere convenient.
EASY. Don't let the baby live here
You move bro, that's what you do....
What’s it like living in a castle?
Lots of chicken wire.
This seems like a hazard for any age personally dang. The only thing I would say kill it with fire.
Baby gate at very the bottom of the stairs (first floor)
Moving should be easier. 🥴
Don't proof the stairs proof the entry ways to the stairs.
Baby proof? I’m trying to figure out how to me-proof those stairs!
Probably using a condom? Those aren't even adult-proof so preventing the baby from existing is probably the only way to make these stairs baby-proof...
Only for a lighthouse keeper. Totally bonkers. The only way to babyproof those stairs is birth control, really.
You should probably just move. 😂
remove the stairs or the baby
I’d consider moving altogether. A lot of parenting is just keeping kids from accidentally taking themselves out and it doesn’t stop after toddlerhood. These stairs are going to make keeping your kid alive that much harder lol My kid went headfirst down a whole flight of stairs after trying to come down them in princess heels. First thing she did when she came home from the emergency room was try again.
Maybe just move…
Those stairs are a deathtrap for all living beings.
No drinking or drugs. No babies or stupid pets (most of them). Nobody with balance issues. Nobody mobility limited folks. No kids and certainly no rambunctious teenagers. You have created the perfect stairs for an introvert.
That’s not even me proof.
Jesus. I think a firehouse pole would be safer.
Condom!
Put a mattress at the bottom and hope for the best
Condoms
May I suggest a condom?
Heavy-ass trap door. With cameras. And alarms. Maybe a net too. Fuck me, that's like a woodchipper for babies... You own a babychipper, bro!
Why have the wall turn?
By a long baby gate that SCREWS to the wall. Use some structural screws into studs. If there are no studs where you need them, open up the wall and put some blocking in where needed. And do what you can to keep baby away from those stairs in the first place
Just put up a gate right about where you are standing. On each floor
Stair-proof the baby instead!
take wood and never use them again
Baby Dan modular baby gate. You’ll create an L with a door, or three panels with a door, similar to your drawing. You can order different parts online. We have regular stairs, but they do have a tricky landing to box in, and that’s what we did.
Turn it into a slide with bean bags at each landing
Safety gates on every floor the child (or pet) may have access to. They are an accident waiting to happen.
Move !
Best way to baby proof the stairs? Don’t have a baby
Condoms
these aren't even adult proof. just looking at them is making me heartbeat faster
Baby proof? Anyone over 4 beers that could be dangerous lol
Move.
Rip them out and start over...
Lots of gates top to bottom..very European.
Simple. Wear a condom
Are these even adult proof? I could imagine my foot just going through a crack on a sleepy night
Vasectomy.
You can’t. I would recommend you have two babies, one for when you’re upstairs and one for downstairs.
Screw the baby - I’d need to me-proof those things!
Holy hell. I’d need to me-proof those things.
Vasectomy?
They need adult-proofing, too!
Remove the bottom 12 steps
Those stairs cannot be human proofed, no less baby proofed.
There ain’t no baby proofing that disaster 😂 get a moving truck and find a new place
Condoms
I'd think about how to adult-proof them, first...
I would just move lol. My kid fell down our carpet stairs and even though I knew he’d be fine, it was terrifying. He would not of been ok falling down these stairs. Kids find ways especially when you’re making dinner or something you cant watch 24/7.
I wouldn’t even let my 6 year old go up these stairs especially with how clumsy they can be with adjusting to growth spurts. He would definitely find a away, even if we proofed it just so he could go on an adventure or something. Absolutely not lol.
Don’t have baby
A baby straight jacket should keep him from crawling to the stairs
get rid of the baby
A wide baby gate that also blocks off the door on the right?
I would baby gate the doors leading to the stairs.
Glass hand rail. Hope you got some money. Wood risers for the spaces going up
The only Crack that earns is the one in my Tibia after falling on it.
Vasectomy?
use a gate like this and secure to each wall along your red line, with a bend in the middle. not sure where that door goes
Bay gate the entry to the left and down stairs as well. Like everyone is saying do not let the baby near the stairs
I got queasy just looking at the photos.
Get rid of the house.
Netting lots of netting
Look into dog/puppy gates; some are longer, have doors to pass through, and mount to the wall
Baby Gate at the bottom.
Fine and thank you.
I’d start with the practical application of a sledgehammer….
Baby Zorb.
Other way around. Stairproof your baby.
Some kind of tethering needs to be involved.
Pirate ship style rigging nets?
Safety net. Done.
There are gates that accommodate this, but If say watch the baby and move into a less stupid house.
Go straight across from wall to wall
And this is why we didn’t move into a Trinity house when we lived in Philly! Those tiny spiral staircases scare the shit out of me.
70s kid here. In my parents house you got to fall down that once and you'd learn. Next time you fell down them it'd be assumed you were drunk.
Fix the stairs so everyone can use them.
Move
You live in a lighthouse? Or the tower of a castle?
Fuck that they need to be drunk-proofed first
Baby proof?Those are not even safe for an adult.
Remove or keep the baby downstairs 🤷♂️
I came to say this. Don’t let baby anywhere near those stairs.
And pets
And me.
And my axe
you need people of intelligence on this sort of... mission... quest... thing.
Well, that rules you out, Pip!
Fool of a Took
What about a catapult?
Six-ish companions… So be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Stairs
One Tread to rule them all, One Tread to find them, One Tread to bring them all, and in the darkness maim the person who walks down them.
Also people of balance, coordination and spacial awareness with a sober streak 🙊 😂
The slinky tho.....
Broken ankle and leg coming in hot for me. This looks disorienting to walk up.
When you say hot you're talking about the coffee I spilt all over me whilst breaking my ankle?
Roll for Dexterity check.
Ok, rolled my ankle. It’s swelling now.
What do I do now….???
And into the dice jail it goes.
and me after 6 beers...
And me perfectly sober on a random Tuesday.
Especially me.
And drunk people
Don’t let me anywhere near those stairs.
Condom , birth control.
😂I have a condom baby!! Don’t trust condoms!!! As for the stairs, move if possible. I hate spiral stairs. They are an accident waiting to happen!!!
Don’t trust someone is on birth control either. That’s how my friend has a son.
This is the only applicable answer. If it’s too late for these methods. MOVE.
Who keeps a baby in a lighthouse anyway?!? 😆
Holy shit this got me good 🤣 I scrolled too fast and had to come back, this is the best /r/nocontext I’ve seen all day
PS I just realized I read this in John Mulaney’s voice, I assume because it make me think of “horse in a hospital” lol
Omg! I actually only know about that quote because the singer/songwriter Ondara wrote a song about/around it.
Ondara - Days of Insanity
Agreed. Baby should go. Stairs were there first.
I vote remove the baby per the suggestion. But to point out they make baby gates that attach to a wall and then unroll to reach the other wall and latch on and lock. I will say that once they get a little older they will figure out they can get under it but with the minimal trim that you have you should be able to minimize it as much as possible and SHOULD be good.
IDK...those are great for keeping baby in a level room or from going UP the stairs, but they aren't enforced enough to safely protect a baby/toddler from going DOWN the stairs. All the ones I've seen only ratchet lock from the top and they aren't sturdy enough if they are pushed on hard. I wouldn't trust it anyways.
Nothing here but solutions! Remove the baby, can't believe I didn't think of that.
adoption is always an option
Ironically, those stairs seem like a very efficient baby remover now that you mention it.
Don't have the baby in the first place, the best solution!
I read this as "Remove the baby"
Giant Hamster ball
Yup, removing the baby seems like the best solution
If I was the baby, I'd want to be raised in the shed.
It's nice out there. 😊
Downvote if you wish, but Karl from Sling Blade was raised in a shed, and I love Karl. ❤
FRENCH FRIED TATERS
Yes. Remove the baby from the household. It's the only way.